elaine567 Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 For the longest time, I thought no way would he get back with her. He has someone with a career, younger than he or his ex, according to his friends (out of his league) someone that truly cares about him. I realize all of that pales in comparison to the mother of his kids and doing what's best for his family. That was your ego talking and no doubt why you have stuck around so long, of course he was going to choose you, you were the newer, faster, sleeker top of the range model, she was the older, slower, beat up old banger, but when it comes down to it, she is also the more comfortable and more familiar family saloon. What happened when the two of you went to therapy is quite revealing, get yourself out of there. 2
Author ashleyo Posted July 9, 2016 Author Posted July 9, 2016 (edited) Roll your eyes all you want, but the fact remains she made a mess he insisted you clean up. As I said earlier: If after 4 years you're wondering about how to establish boundaries with an ex wife and he's done absolutely nothing to straighten her out of his own volition then you don't have a relationship like you think you do and THAT is your problem here, not his ex. That right there is a no-brainer for anyone who is calling themselves in an intimate, emotional relationship with someone for the past 4 years. At what point will you be good enough to be put first in consideration? When will he figure out that he should be esteeming you waaaay better than this? Have you even had a talk with him about all of this? If so, what did he say about what he's been allowing? If not, why are you so afraid to own your voice and speak up for yourself? The ex should have been in her place a long, long time ago--like 4 years ago. She's probably saying that stuff because he's telling her something that makes her bold enough to put that statement about being grateful for him being the father of her children out where everyone can see it... and there are no repercussions from him about what she's doing. Just because she's got a husband doesn't mean your boyfriend and the ex can't be trying to work their way back to one another. Something is afoot here and he's allowing it. Give that some thought. I think you misinterpreted what rolling eyes meant. I was rolling my eyes at my sister lol I feel like I can't win for losing online sometimes The point I've felt good enough to deserve better treatment than this, was when I signed a lease on a new place today and started organizing my belongings to move when he goes out of town next week. I know 4 years seems like way too long for any self respecting individual to put up with this bs. However, 4 years ago I was in my 20s now 30s and I've grown, learned things from this and thankfully can see the red flags when I encounter an individual like him or her for that matter. All I have to say at this point is better her than me. Edited July 9, 2016 by ashleyo 2
Author ashleyo Posted July 9, 2016 Author Posted July 9, 2016 That was your ego talking and no doubt why you have stuck around so long, of course he was going to choose you, you were the newer, faster, sleeker top of the range model, she was the older, slower, beat up old banger, but when it comes down to it, she is also the more comfortable and more familiar family saloon. What happened when the two of you went to therapy is quite revealing, get yourself out of there. I wouldn't describe her or I in such extremes...but, ok. The main reason I thought he'd choose me is that I actually loved him. His family knows this. He knows this. They recognize she's machivalean and competitive. She jumps from one guy to the next. She wants him back for financial security and the kids...it's obvious to most that know them and love him. Being younger and having my **** together as far as a career matching his success and being independent of him seemed like the nail in the coffin (an afterthought). After this period of growth (I know, 4 years holy crap) I just feel empowered and more self love than I ever have and I had to figure it out...earn it. I don't regret this and maybe to some I should and I should beat myself up. I'm walking away with a lesson learned and a newfound self respect and I'll say it again "better her than me".
Author ashleyo Posted July 9, 2016 Author Posted July 9, 2016 If you had put those details in your original post my position on this would have been different. If you don't paint a true situation how to you expect to get good related advice. It's not about doing your dirty laundry in public, we are all anonymous here, it's about being accurate. There is a world of difference between posting an old family picture and posting an old family picture with a comment thank you for fathering my children. I was initially writing in a stream of consciousness and continue to do so. I'm sorry I left a few details and I did mention something to that effect earlier. any details like that one that may have been left out wasn't intentional. Although things like our therapy and his pathology weren't revealed til later when I felt comfortable enough to do so.
phineas Posted July 9, 2016 Posted July 9, 2016 (edited) Yes. She is one of "those" exes. The funny thing is he comments that I have it easy when it comes to what other women deal with as far as exes go because his wife has been "friendly" to me. Gone out of her way to befriend my family (my mother and sister) and me. She's taken me to lunch when I've had problems with my boyfriend (she found out because he told her). She's not rude to me to my face. Yet, my sister, my best friend and even acquaintances see right through her. Yet, he's the one blindsided. Encouraging this fake friendship between us. But I have it sooooo easy. I've always had a feeling that they may end up back together but for the fact that he didn't go back to her when he had the chance. Everyone in his family says he's so happy now and he was miserable married to her. Embarrassed her in front of them. Never was affectionate with her in public. They've never seen this romantic caring side that they see now while he's with me. I'm just confused about her undying loyalty to him if he was so ****ty to her and why she isn't more devoted to her current husband. I've been planning on getting out. Looking at new places but keep second guessing because he is so good at convincing me that I'm the one with the problem and that there's nothing to worry about. Thanks for the validation and advice He's feeding you a line of crap. I'd verbally pimp-slap & publicly humiliate my ex-wife if she EVER interfered in any relationship I was in then follow up with a letter from my lawyer. She is my ex-wife for a reason & she sometimes forgets that so I will only discuss the kids and nothing else. PERIOD. Every time her BF (the guy she cheated on me with & left me for) doesn't feed her enough attention she texts me more than is needed and tries to keep me on the phone more than is needed & I cut her short every time. When she started cheating on me she brought the kids around this guy all the time & moved him in with her and the kids without even telling me yet she loses her chit EVERY time she see's me with a woman who is younger & hotter than her and basically accuses me of bringing women around the children who are unfit. I tell her to basically STFU and walk away. Yes, i sound like a jerk, but being a jerk to her keeps her in line and out of my personal life. and FYI I met a woman whose ex-husband lived next door to her & would spend his time with the kids at her house. They shared yards, ex. It was WEIRD. like an creepy open marriage but they were divorced. I bailed REAL fast. 4yrs of this crap OP? Is your man a stallion in bed or something? Edited July 9, 2016 by phineas
phineas Posted July 9, 2016 Posted July 9, 2016 If you had put those details in your original post my position on this would have been different. If you don't paint a true situation how to you expect to get good related advice. It's not about doing your dirty laundry in public, we are all anonymous here, it's about being accurate. There is a world of difference between posting an old family picture and posting an old family picture with a comment thank you for fathering my children. That is so VERY creepy and made me cringe. Who the heck says that to an ex? Who the heck says that to someone they are still with? Chick is either cray cray or likes stirring the pot and feeds off drama. Oh wait, is there a difference between the two? 1
Author ashleyo Posted July 10, 2016 Author Posted July 10, 2016 He's feeding you a line of crap. I'd verbally pimp-slap & publicly humiliate my ex-wife if she EVER interfered in any relationship I was in then follow up with a letter from my lawyer. She is my ex-wife for a reason & she sometimes forgets that so I will only discuss the kids and nothing else. PERIOD. Every time her BF (the guy she cheated on me with & left me for) doesn't feed her enough attention she texts me more than is needed and tries to keep me on the phone more than is needed & I cut her short every time. When she started cheating on me she brought the kids around this guy all the time & moved him in with her and the kids without even telling me yet she loses her chit EVERY time she see's me with a woman who is younger & hotter than her and basically accuses me of bringing women around the children who are unfit. I tell her to basically STFU and walk away. Yes, i sound like a jerk, but being a jerk to her keeps her in line and out of my personal life. and FYI I met a woman whose ex-husband lived next door to her & would spend his time with the kids at her house. They shared yards, ex. It was WEIRD. like an creepy open marriage but they were divorced. I bailed REAL fast. 4yrs of this crap OP? Is your man a stallion in bed or something? Yeah, I feel that most guys will check their ex if they are making waves in their current relationship if they give a damn about the one they're with (so, good job). He just defends her for whatever she does or says and he tries to check me instead. As for being a stallion? Meh. But he's no slouch. When I first met him I was 26 and he was 40. He was much better than anything I had ever experienced...which isn't saying much. I talk to girlfriends that seem to be having a much better time than I am especially the ones in their 40s lol!!
Author ashleyo Posted July 10, 2016 Author Posted July 10, 2016 That is so VERY creepy and made me cringe. Who the heck says that to an ex? Who the heck says that to someone they are still with? Chick is either cray cray or likes stirring the pot and feeds off drama. Oh wait, is there a difference between the two? Thank you. She's very dramatic. One of the reasons why he left her. I've tried not to make a stink and definitely will not confront her over it because that's what she wants. It'd be interesting to see what the next woman will do or how she will handle this bs. But, not that interesting. This past Father's Day in a separate photo/Facebook photo she wrote "thank you for giving me our kids and allowing me to be a mother to these two precious humans". One of his sisters at a BBQ mentioned that it was a sweet post. To me, it was kind of sick lol but I'm a very visual thinker. Wow just writing this out just makes it seem that much more preposterous. Glad I'm not the only one that thinks thanking someone for fathering their children and giving them the gift of motherhood is cuh- reeeepy.
elaine567 Posted July 10, 2016 Posted July 10, 2016 she wrote "thank you for giving me our kids and allowing me to be a mother to these two precious humans". One of his sisters at a BBQ mentioned that it was a sweet post. To me, it was kind of sick lol but I'm a very visual thinker. Yes I see where you are coming from there... 1
BlueIris Posted July 10, 2016 Posted July 10, 2016 (edited) ... The only thing is, that he's a very jealous person. Even if I have dialogue with a coworker of the opposite sex at a work party (even if very platonic) he gets insecure. It just seems very double standard all the way around. I guess my question is, how do you establish boundaries with an ex who has more weight to throw around (kids, past marriage, family ties). Should I confront her? I've already confronted him with little success. Any advice or experience would be helpful. Thanks I've known people who have close friendships with exes, especially where they have kids together, so even though this version is odd and I think his ex is overstepping and seems to be marking territory when she says things like "love you." BUT! this part above? that he has a double standard, is very jealous and possessive? Pfft. Forget that. He's not "progressive." If he was, he wouldn't hold you to a standard that he doesn't live by himself. If you want the relationship, I think you do have to point out the double standard. If he doesn't get it or gets defensive or any of that, he's too messed up for long term. Your later posts confirm- leave this guy. Edited July 10, 2016 by BlueIris 1
Author ashleyo Posted July 10, 2016 Author Posted July 10, 2016 I've known people who have close friendships with exes, especially where they have kids together, so even though this version is odd and I think his ex is overstepping and seems to be marking territory when she says things like "love you." BUT! this part above? that he has a double standard, is very jealous and possessive? Pfft. Forget that. He's not "progressive." If he was, he wouldn't hold you to a standard that he doesn't live by himself. If you want the relationship, I think you do have to point out the double standard. If he doesn't get it or gets defensive or any of that, he's too messed up for long term. Your later posts confirm- leave this guy. Oh I definitely have pointed out the double standard and he either isn't hearing it, talks over me, puts us in a "courtroom" and lawyers his way out of it. I feel like apart of me will miss the good parts and love parts of him forever but this relationship with his ex, how he's treated me has hurt my happiness and compromised my own sanity. I know it's scary to be my age and single but I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than miserable in a living hell. 2
phineas Posted July 10, 2016 Posted July 10, 2016 Thank you. She's very dramatic. One of the reasons why he left her. I've tried not to make a stink and definitely will not confront her over it because that's what she wants. It'd be interesting to see what the next woman will do or how she will handle this bs. But, not that interesting. This past Father's Day in a separate photo/Facebook photo she wrote "thank you for giving me our kids and allowing me to be a mother to these two precious humans". One of his sisters at a BBQ mentioned that it was a sweet post. To me, it was kind of sick lol but I'm a very visual thinker. Wow just writing this out just makes it seem that much more preposterous. Glad I'm not the only one that thinks thanking someone for fathering their children and giving them the gift of motherhood is cuh- reeeepy. It all reads as " thank you for filling me with your superior seamen. Twice.":sick: Get an exit strategy and don't looks back. I suggest the classic take what you need while he is at work then send biker friends or the police for the rest later strategy. Very effective in even gated communities where it draws the attention of the home owners association. He's too old for you anyways. 1
Author ashleyo Posted July 11, 2016 Author Posted July 11, 2016 (edited) It all reads as " thank you for filling me with your superior seamen. Twice.":sick: Get an exit strategy and don't looks back. I suggest the classic take what you need while he is at work then send biker friends or the police for the rest later strategy. Very effective in even gated communities where it draws the attention of the home owners association. He's too old for you anyways. He's going on a family vacation for two weeks in a week from now. I have a condo waiting. Normally I go on this vacation every year but I told him I couldn't get out of work (total lie). I'm planning on moving my things while he's gone. It's totally calculated and hard to be with him while I have these plans but just trying to stay strong for one week. Counting down. When we picked up his kids from his exes house this morning, she's telling him how her dad and mom are moving in town and how he should go check out the house her parents bought with her dad and he's all for it and catching up with the guy over beers too. I know this isn't as bad as some things or bad at all but it still makes moving easier. Every day they make it easier for me emotionally to cut ties completely. Edited July 11, 2016 by ashleyo 1
Popsicle Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 I have children with my ex and we get along and co-parent well together but we don't have cozy chats or anything like that. Far from it. The bottom line is, this bothers you and you need to tell him that it does and that you don't want to live like that. Let him think about it make his decision and let that be that. Be firm and dont let him string you along in his little game. 1
stillafool Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 I'm just wondering why after 4 years together he hasn't asked you to marry him. That would put his ex in her place. 1
Author ashleyo Posted July 11, 2016 Author Posted July 11, 2016 I'm just wondering why after 4 years together he hasn't asked you to marry him. That would put his ex in her place. Right? He gets all teary eyed and romantic when he talks about spending the rest of his life with me. Tells me he promises that one day when he's worth saying yes to, he'll ask me to marry him (I just laughed because I knew that was the worst excuse he could have used on someone that knows him). He really thinks the world of himself. Although, he was looking at engagement rings on his computer when I walked into his office. God. I hope he doesn't before he goes on vacation. His ex took him for everything after he left her for some other woman who eventually split. Then his ex became engaged to a guy that split for similar reasons as I am. Then immediately started dating the guy who is now her husband. Imo he didn't have time to process the end of their relationship or divorce before it was over and done with. He still needs closure or has loose ends there. That seems evident. I'm happy to give him but most importantly myself the space he needs to grieve that loss and move on. He had so many opportunities to get back with his ex. The irony is that their relationship works now but knowing them both, they'd be at each others throats under the same roof (they were when they were married according to the both of them). They're friends. A little too close for comfort. I think that will dissolve over time. I'm not going to stick around for the process. It's too much. He really needs to be single for awhile before getting married again. That's just my opinion.
Author ashleyo Posted July 11, 2016 Author Posted July 11, 2016 Because of how he left his ex, perhaps she's still hurt and pissed over being dumped after 10 years. Hell, I would be. When I ask my higher mind or self (sorry, I'm a little new age lol), it seems she's not ready to let him be happy because she's not. Perhaps someday she will let him be happy when she finally is and perhaps she won't. I don't blame her for being hurt. He needs to do the right thing and process. Get closure. Mend hurts or transgressions against the ex. Apologize. Move on. He's simply not ready to be with someone he'd consider marrying. He isn't ready for another marriage when this one isn't over (at least emotionally). I hope he does right by her and himself. Like I said before, I'm tired of sticking around waiting for a process to start (one I shouldn't be around for anyway). This is really the only viable conclusion I could arrive at. 1
phineas Posted July 11, 2016 Posted July 11, 2016 He's going on a family vacation for two weeks in a week from now. I have a condo waiting. Normally I go on this vacation every year but I told him I couldn't get out of work (total lie). I'm planning on moving my things while he's gone. It's totally calculated and hard to be with him while I have these plans but just trying to stay strong for one week. Counting down. When we picked up his kids from his exes house this morning, she's telling him how her dad and mom are moving in town and how he should go check out the house her parents bought with her dad and he's all for it and catching up with the guy over beers too. I know this isn't as bad as some things or bad at all but it still makes moving easier. Every day they make it easier for me emotionally to cut ties completely. I approve of this plan. No interference from him either when you do it. Change your cell phone and I hope the condo is gated.
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