Dealing with ex wife baggage

[ashleyo]

My boyfriend and I have been together for four years. His previous relationship ended in divorce after 10 years of marriage. He and his ex wife have two children together.

The issue I have is that I'm confused by their behavior and would love feedback or advice from someone that has dealt with establishing boundaries with an ex.

The most recent occurrences include their constant text dialogue mostly unrelated to co parenting and kids. She'll ask him how his work meetings went, give him professional advice (she's a physical trainer, he's an attorney ). She'll text him job notifications, tell him what businesses to invest in etc...

In addition to this, they'll discuss mutual friends and old memories.

 

On social media, his ex will post pictures of their children and him on his birthday or Father's Day with a long spill about how she's grateful for their friendship and for him giving her the chance of mothering their children.

She stays in close contact with his family.

She'll repost pictures from the past involving her with him and his family.

Recently, she reposted a family group photo from 7 years ago and with it a message thanking his family for not divorcing her and still being involved in her life.

My sister, who was friends with her in annoyance and defense of me commented on the post asking where I was...not realizing this was a picture taken 7 years ago.

This sent his ex over the edge and she called his sister asking her why she wasn't sticking up for her...I later found this out from his sister who told me that we all know how dramatic his ex can be and rolled her eyes at his exes behavior.

 

To keep the peace, my boyfriend talks me into apologizing to his ex on behalf of my sister. I figured it was such a petty thing to begin with and to squash the drama, I acquiesced and apologized for my sisters benign comment.

 

To make things more interesting, my boyfriend insisted that his ex wife and her husband, over Memorial Day weekend, come to his families get together at a small intimate resort.

 

To add insult to injury, she's recently texted him "love you" and that she says that out of respect of their friendship and relationship as co-parents. That she doesn't want to make waves or step on anyone's toes.

 

In my heart, this feels abnormal and I'm slighted by it. The confusing thing is that I'm met with opposition from my SO when I express hurt or annoyance. He gets very defensive and it's hurtful that he's a white knight for his ex even when she's in the wrong. So, I'm left feeling that I'm the one that's at fault or with the problem. That they're extremely progressive and that I should evolve personally to be more accepting. The only thing is, that he's a very jealous person. Even if I have dialogue with a coworker of the opposite sex at a work party (even if very platonic) he gets insecure. It just seems very double standard all the way around.

 

I guess my question is, how do you establish boundaries with an ex who has more weight to throw around (kids, past marriage, family ties). Should I confront her? I've already confronted him with little success.

Any advice or experience would be helpful.

Thanks

[kendahke]

Your sister's comment wasn't benign. It was sent to send her a message. She was instigating some BS and needed to apologize. This isn't about her or you: it's about a 7 year old picture at a time in their lives when you weren't even a factor. She is entitled to her relationship with his family--she was a part of it at one time and just because she and your boyfriend divorced doesn't mean that it ended her involvement with his family. They're entitled to their memories and to talk about them if they so choose. Your sister isn't her bestie, so she was starting mess she wasn't going to be cleaning up--you had to clean it up.

 

Keep your sister out of your business since she doesn't know how to act.

 

If your boyfriend feels you are overstepping yourself with regards to his ex and his children, then guess what? He's not emotionally done with that. Doesn't matter how many years you've been together: he's not done with that aspect of his life.

 

You can't make her respect your boundaries if she doesn't want to. There is nothing you can do that you haven't already done. Do not confront her unless you want your relationship to come to a screeching halt today. That conversation is between him and her and if he's not willing to have it because he's still tied to her on some emotional level, then there is nothing you can do that won't make you look like a crazy girlfriend to make her do something she has no intention on doing.

 

If he's worth it to stick it out with him and put up with what you're putting up with, then stay. Otherwise, he is showing you through his defense of her that she holds more importance in his life than you do. If that wasn't the case, he would be snatching the knots in her behind and not yours.

Edited July 4, 2016 by kendahke

[ashleyo]

I'm not saying that they aren't entitled to memories with his family. I feel that the texting about past mutual friends, professional consulting, going on vacations and texting "love you" is inappropriate. I don't keep in close contact with my ex whom I was married to but have no children with in that capacity at all. I feel that doing so would be disrespectful to my partner.

I agree that my sister shouldn't have commented on the photo but also feel I shouldn't have to apologize for someone else's actions.

That's neither here nor there. Perhaps sticking it out through all of the unnecessary bs with someone that doesn't respect my feelings isn't worth it.

Thanks for input and insight.

[MissBee]

 

I guess my question is, how do you establish boundaries with an ex who has more weight to throw around (kids, past marriage, family ties). Should I confront her? I've already confronted him with little success.

Any advice or experience would be helpful.

Thanks

 

You're not the one who needs to establish boundaries. He is. It's his ex and the interactions are entirely with him and about their friendship and it's what HE allows.

 

If your man sees nothing wrong and says you need to be more progressive, how can you expect that now you need to go talk to the ex. If your own boyfriend refuses to respect or listen to your feelings, why would she, when she isn't obligated to you?

 

She isn't the problem here. He is. He should be the lead here and he should be the one to set the tone...he has explicitly said you need to accept that this is their relationship and he doesn't respond positively asking for change. You can try couple's counseling to have a third party to hash this out with or you can decide if this setup, if it never changes, is something you're okay with. Me personally, nope, especially if your boyfriend refuses to understand how weird and uncomfortable this is for you, then there is a huge problem there with him and how he values you that should be addressed. Confronting the ex though is the complete cliche of what NOT to do and directing your attention at the symptom and not the main person, your man, who is A-Okay and allowing this.

[Toodaloo]

Oh she is one of "those" ex wives...

 

She has a new bloke that she is married to?

 

Hate to say it but I think you need to bail. FAST. These two are going to end up getting back together.

 

Neither of them are done and their behaviour is really REALLY inappropriate. Your sister see's it, his sister see's it the only people who don't are the pair of them. How does her new chap feel about her telling her ex she loves him? He is a total door mat if he is happy with it.

 

You are not wrong. Your beau should stick up for you. He should listen to you. He should be concerned about your discomfort at the very close nature of their relationship. He hasn't and isn't going to, so get the hell out asap.

 

You can use the "its not you - its me" line you can tell him you just need more from a relationship and its not going to work but if you carry on with this you will end up feeling worse than dog poop on his ex wifes shoe and apologising for breathing then ditched anyway when they get back together.

 

GET OUT NOW.

[ExpatInItaly]

Your boyfriend is quite the hypocrite. He gets upset when you talk to male coworkers, yet he's allowed cozy chats with his ex-wife?

 

That would not fly with me.

 

Sorry, but I think they are both still quite emotionally attached. It's one thing to be civil or friendly with an ex-partner (especially when there are kids involved) but in my mind, this situation goes beyond that. Your feelings aren't being considered, and the person who should be setting boundaries isn't.

 

Sounds to me as though you're going to be faced with two options: 1) Accept that he's not going to change the nature of his relationship with his ex-wife, or 2) leave.

[elaine567]

Has this excessive closeness with the ex wife been going on the whole four years you have been with him?

[ashleyo]

Oh she is one of "those" ex wives...

 

She has a new bloke that she is married to?

 

Hate to say it but I think you need to bail. FAST. These two are going to end up getting back together.

 

Neither of them are done and their behaviour is really REALLY inappropriate. Your sister see's it, his sister see's it the only people who don't are the pair of them. How does her new chap feel about her telling her ex she loves him? He is a total door mat if he is happy with it.

 

You are not wrong. Your beau should stick up for you. He should listen to you. He should be concerned about your discomfort at the very close nature of their relationship. He hasn't and isn't going to, so get the hell out asap.

 

You can use the "its not you - its me" line you can tell him you just need more from a relationship and its not going to work but if you carry on with this you will end up feeling worse than dog poop on his ex wifes shoe and apologising for breathing then ditched anyway when they get back together.

 

GET OUT NOW.

 

Yes. She is one of "those" exes. The funny thing is he comments that I have it easy when it comes to what other women deal with as far as exes go because his wife has been "friendly" to me. Gone out of her way to befriend my family (my mother and sister) and me. She's taken me to lunch when I've had problems with my boyfriend (she found out because he told her). She's not rude to me to my face. Yet, my sister, my best friend and even acquaintances see right through her. Yet, he's the one blindsided. Encouraging this fake friendship between us. But I have it sooooo easy.

I've always had a feeling that they may end up back together but for the fact that he didn't go back to her when he had the chance. Everyone in his family says he's so happy now and he was miserable married to her. Embarrassed her in front of them. Never was affectionate with her in public. They've never seen this romantic caring side that they see now while he's with me. I'm just confused about her undying loyalty to him if he was so ****ty to her and why she isn't more devoted to her current husband.

I've been planning on getting out. Looking at new places but keep second guessing because he is so good at convincing me that I'm the one with the problem and that there's nothing to worry about.

Thanks for the validation and advice

[MissBee]

Your boyfriend is quite the hypocrite. He gets upset when you talk to male coworkers, yet he's allowed cozy chats with his ex-wife?

 

That would not fly with me.

 

Sorry, but I think they are both still quite emotionally attached. It's one thing to be civil or friendly with an ex-partner (especially when there are kids involved) but in my mind, this situation goes beyond that. Your feelings aren't being considered, and the person who should be setting boundaries isn't.

 

Sounds to me as though you're going to be faced with two options: 1) Accept that he's not going to change the nature of his relationship with his ex-wife, or 2) leave.

 

I agree.

 

It's one thing to have a cordial or friendly relationship with your ex. It's another where you are acting like besties to the detriment of your current relationship.

 

It is evident that, even though he is with you, there are zero boundaries with the ex, because they are still both emotionally attached, and he chooses this arrangement, hence, he in fact gets defensive and upset when you suggest altering their relationship. This is a HUGE red flag. For starters, most people done with their ex emotionally maintain cordial but not super close relations like these two (advising him and all this). The second major thing is, those truly done with their ex, if somehow their interactions are being misconstrued or are interfering with their current relationship, because they are not attached, they are happy to alter their behavior in order to maintain their current relationship. Here, you bf explicitly refuses this and he seems way more willing to lose you,and is fine with ignoring your wishes, in order to keep his friendship with the ex. I would walk in this case. You cannot compete with his ex basically...and you shouldn't.

 

They may have divorced and no longer live together or have sex, but they are emotionally conjoined, her feelings take priority, and she is still acting like his wife with what she does for him. It's clear that maintaining their bond, regardless of your discomfort, is more important to him. I am not sure how to move beyond that if a man makes it clear that this is the case. Do not be fooled into thinking a man is all in with you just because he lives with you or is in a relationship with you....it is not uncommon for people to leave a relationship physically but never really leave it emotionally and the big clue in your case is you can see that he hasn't.

 

As Expat said...you really only have 2 choices, well let's say 3: 1)suggest couple's therapy and see if this is something you can work through and come to a change 2)accept what he's already shown and said, no he will not change his relationship 3)move on if this arrangement doesn't work for you. My suggestion: try number 1, if number 1 doesn't work...walk...as it makes no sense to be the Other Woman in your own relationship.

Edited July 4, 2016 by MissBee

[Gaeta]

I'm not saying that they aren't entitled to memories with his family. I feel that the texting about past mutual friends, professional consulting, going on vacations .

 

I see nothing wrong with this, this is how adults with respect will treat each other. I did all of those things with my ex-husband except his wife was more mature than you and him and I included her. They regularly invited me over, I did the same, I made her a Resume and helped her find a job, my ex would never miss a visit at my parents - and brought his wife along. I even remember one day my ex-husband dropping my daughter off and offered his help to my boyfriend to fix my car and they fixed it together.

 

That is how mature adults act and it's all for the sake of the children.

 

 

Iand texting "love you" is inappropriate.

this I don't like. It's hard for me to judge as this expression does not exist in my language. It's ILY or nothing.

 

 

I don't keep in close contact with my ex whom I was married to but have no children with in that capacity at all. I feel that doing so would be disrespectful to my partner.

This is you. Not everyone sees things the way you do.

 

 

 

What I wonder is why this is coming up after 4 YEARS dating? If you disagreed with it, or didn't speak up about it for 4 YEARS then you silently gave him your agreement for this friendship and behavior. You cannot re-invent the wheel after 4 years.

[ashleyo]

Has this excessive closeness with the ex wife been going on the whole four years you have been with him?

 

It hasn't been this bad...truthfully, people can only hide their true colors for so long. We've reached a point where facades and passive aggression are coming to the surface. Of course, I have only discussed very recent events and there are layers and things that have been unsaid. It's just come to a point where my patience and understanding have run thin and feel like I'm being cornered into making a decision and perhaps starting a new chapter very soon. It's never been this bad and I haven't walked out completely in hopes that what is happening will diminish quickly. It just seems to get worse with time.

[ashleyo]

I agree.

 

It's one thing to have a cordial or friendly relationship with your ex. It's another where you are acting like besties to the detriment of your current relationship.

 

It is evident that, even though he is with you, there are zero boundaries with the ex, because they are still both emotionally attached, and he chooses this arrangement, hence, he in fact gets defensive and upset when you suggest altering their relationship. This is a HUGE red flag. For starters, most people done with their ex emotionally maintain cordial but not super close relations like these two (advising him and all this). The second major thing is, those truly done with their ex, if somehow their interactions are being misconstrued or are interfering with their current relationship, because they are not attached, they are happy to alter their behavior in order to maintain their current relationship. Here, you bf explicitly refuses this and he seems way more willing to lose you,and is fine with ignoring your wishes, in order to keep his friendship with the ex. I would walk in this case. You cannot compete with his ex basically...and you shouldn't.

 

They may have divorced and no longer live together or have sex, but they are emotionally conjoined, her feelings take priority, and she is still acting like his wife with what she does for him. It's clear that maintaining their bond, regardless of your discomfort, is more important to him. I am not sure how to move beyond that if a man makes it clear that this is the case. Do not be fooled into thinking a man is all in with you just because he lives with you or is in a relationship with you....it is not uncommon for people to leave a relationship physically but never really leave it emotionally and the big clue in your case is you can see that he hasn't.

 

As Expat said...you really only have 2 choices, well let's say 3: 1)suggest couple's therapy and see if this is something you can work through and come to a change 2)accept what he's already shown and said, no he will not change his relationship 3)move on if this arrangement doesn't work for you. My suggestion: try number 1, if number 1 doesn't work...walk...as it makes no sense to be the Other Woman in your own relationship.

 

I don't think this could've been put better. A few weeks ago we tried couples counseling. The therapist was so manipulated by him that she talked with a co-worker and got a second opinion before reaching out to me. He even had her second guessing herself. She reached out to me privately after the session and suggest I see her on my own. She recommended a book. "Women who love psychopaths"... My boyfriend said that what she did was malpractice (which is probably true) and said I'd be crazy to go back. To me, her reaching out and wondering if it was the right thing and her level of confusion about his behavior just spoke to how manipulative he can be. He's very skilled.

 

I've tried to leave a handful of times only to be physically stopped or to acquiesce to his bawling at the top of his lungs and emotional manipulation. At this point, I'm just very tired.

I know people have their opinions and will call me weak or immature either for not leaving sooner or not understanding and accepting the relationship with his ex. At any rate, it is good just to write it all out, get validation and good advice.

Thank you

[ashleyo]

I see nothing wrong with this, this is how adults with respect will treat each other. I did all of those things with my ex-husband except his wife was more mature than you and him and I included her. They regularly invited me over, I did the same, I made her a Resume and helped her find a job, my ex would never miss a visit at my parents - and brought his wife along. I even remember one day my ex-husband dropping my daughter off and offered his help to my boyfriend to fix my car and they fixed it together.

 

That is how mature adults act and it's all for the sake of the children.

 

 

this I don't like. It's hard for me to judge as this expression does not exist in my language. It's ILY or nothing.

 

 

This is you. Not everyone sees things the way you do.

 

 

 

What I wonder is why this is coming up after 4 YEARS dating? If you disagreed with it, or didn't speak up about it for 4 YEARS then you silently gave him your agreement for this friendship and behavior. You cannot re-invent the wheel after 4 years.

 

I can only hope they will be lucky enough to find someone as mature as you to go along with them

[MissBee]

I don't think this could've been put better. A few weeks ago we tried couples counseling. The therapist was so manipulated by him that she talked with a co-worker and got a second opinion before reaching out to me. He even had her second guessing herself. She reached out to me privately after the session and suggest I see her on my own. She recommended a book. "Women who love psychopaths"... My boyfriend said that what she did was malpractice (which is probably true) and said I'd be crazy to go back. To me, her reaching out and wondering if it was the right thing and her level of confusion about his behavior just spoke to how manipulative he can be. He's very skilled.

 

I've tried to leave a handful of times only to be physically stopped or to acquiesce to his bawling at the top of his lungs and emotional manipulation. At this point, I'm just very tired.

I know people have their opinions and will call me weak or immature either for not leaving sooner or not understanding and accepting the relationship with his ex. At any rate, it is good just to write it all out, get validation and good advice.

Thank you

 

Wow...well at this point it goes beyond just him and the ex then and much larger issues .

 

If he is emotionally manipulative, to the point that your therapist needed her own therapy from him and even suggested he might be a psychopath, well....I don't see how ANY therapy would help you two or why you'd want to continue being with him.

 

Cut ties and move forward. His ex-wife may still be mind-warped after 10 years of this, it may be too late for her, but not for you.

[smackie9]

You have no voice in this, so you have no choice but to not play into the drama that goes on between them. Ignore her crap. Put on a smile and be sweet as pie when her and her husband come over for a BBQ. As long as the kids are involved, she will be involved...they all come as a package deal.

I think their relationship is the lesser of the two evils.....the relationship could be horrific/vindictive/hateful. I believe it's pretty good that they are civil with each other and pretty much act like good friends. Also sounds to me everyone knows she's a little on the nutty side and acknowledges her bs.

[Gaeta]

You know what they say, if you can't fight them then join them. Have you tried to be included here? or for you the word EX is synonym of enemy?

 

If your therapist suspect a pathology in this man then you are hiding a huge junk of information from us because I doubt being friendly with an ex and helping each other with finding jobs qualifies as being psychopath or sociopath.

 

Some of that stuff is worrisome like physically forbidden you from leaving but as for visiting his ex in-laws is normal. They are his children grand-parents and will always be.

 

But again, I think all of them being civilized toward each other is not the heart of your problem. There is something much deeper you are not naming.

[Poutrew]

10 characters.

Edited July 4, 2016 by Poutrew

[BaileyB]

Wow...well at this point it goes beyond just him and the ex then and much larger issues .

 

If he is emotionally manipulative, to the point that your therapist needed her own therapy

 

This! This is what scares me. He is a lawyer so he is smart and knows how to present his case, argue a point, and exploit and manipulate your weaknesses (and let it be said, I don't think you are weak, I think you are being manipulated such that you don't know what to think anymore).

 

I think what they are doing is really inappropriate. I think that by not listening and attempting to deal with your feelings/concerns, he is is not treating you with the respect and consideration you deserve. I personally would be so long gone... He wouldn't even see me any more... And there would be little he could say or do to convince me to stay in this relationship. He is very manipulative, bordering on emotionally abusive, and I would encourage you to think very hard about whether this is someone you want to stay with long term.

[kendahke]

I'm not saying that they aren't entitled to memories with his family. I feel that the texting about past mutual friends, professional consulting, going on vacations and texting "love you" is inappropriate. I don't keep in close contact with my ex whom I was married to but have no children with in that capacity at all. I feel that doing so would be disrespectful to my partner.

.

 

He's grown. Talking about mutual friends or having a business-related conversation isn't inappropriate or disrespectful. Besides, they do have to talk about the children, so their conversations most likely aren't structured how you want them to be. You just don't like he has any conversations with her because he's not willing to put her in her place to your satisfaction.

 

I agree that my sister shouldn't have commented on the photo but also feel I shouldn't have to apologize for someone else's actions.

 

And you're right--you shouldn't be apologizing for your sister. She was out of place and should not have done what she did in the first place; and she needed to be an adult and ante up an apology for sticking her nose into something that is none of her business. She didn't--she took the coward's way out and left you to do it. That's why I'd keep her out of my business--she causes problems you then have to clean up. This is a clear issue of boundaries that seems to have flown past you.

 

That's neither here nor there.

 

I bring her up because you were calling what she did "benign" when it wasn't. She intended to cause a problem with your boyfriend through his ex and that's called "being malicious".

 

Perhaps sticking it out through all of the unnecessary bs with someone that doesn't respect my feelings isn't worth it.

Thanks for input and insight

 

If after 4 years you're wondering about how to establish boundaries with an ex wife and he's done absolutely nothing to straighten out that mess of his own volition 1. before meeting you or at the very least 2. after all this time and declare for you because he sees his life moving forward with you in a primary role, then you don't have a relationship like you think you do and THAT is your problem here, not his ex. Neither you nor his sister knows what agreements the two of them have made with one another about how they're going to proceed---if he wasn't down for what's fallen out in experience, you wouldn't be in a quandary.

 

You need to have a very serious talk with him. At the 4 year mark, you shouldn't be wondering where anyone stands with him.

[Toodaloo]

Right - so you have tried to leave before and been cajoled into staying despite not wanting to so you need to prepare this one.

 

Move out as much of your stuff as possible before hand. Pack up as many clothes and belongings as you can and get them out.

 

Get a new place lined up or friends to stay with lined up in advance.

 

Get your finances in order and make sure any joint bills are paid and your name removed from any further obligations to those bills.

 

You know this guy will manipulate you - heck if he can do it to a trained counsellor then he is good, very good at it.

 

So prepare, get ready. Then go.

 

This is all highly inappropriate, it has been for ages, he keeps turning his inappropriate behaviour back on you.

 

Just get out.

[NTV]

Wow... I feel like no matter what advice I give you, you will allow him to lawyer his way around it. So instead of giving you advice on what to do/say, I will give you a prediction. A prediction allows you to formulate your own game plan on how to deal with it.

 

 

Prediction 1: He's either already or about to start seeing his exwife

Prediction 2: He feels your malleable enough to stay with him while he does so.

Prediction 3: Her current husband just wants to be rid of her with the least impact to his wallet. Getting her back together and 'in love' with her first husband is in his best interests.

 

 

Don't be surprised if he starts trying to talk you into a threesome with her in the near future.

 

 

So my advice is to prep for those predictions. Worst case you're prepared for something that doesn't come about. Best case, when his **** hits the fan, you've already got a game plan in motion to either get out of there or to countermove him into submission.

 

 

BTW... gotta love sisters! lol.

[ashleyo]

You know what they say, if you can't fight them then join them. Have you tried to be included here? or for you the word EX is synonym of enemy?

 

If your therapist suspect a pathology in this man then you are hiding a huge junk of information from us because I doubt being friendly with an ex and helping each other with finding jobs qualifies as being psychopath or sociopath.

 

Some of that stuff is worrisome like physically forbidden you from leaving but as for visiting his ex in-laws is normal. They are his children grand-parents and will always be.

 

But again, I think all of them being civilized toward each other is not the heart of your problem. There is something much deeper you are not naming.

 

There is a difference in being civilized and crossing lines that are detrimental to relationships. There's a difference from visiting in laws and being cool and civilized and going on intimate family retreats with them. From reading your responses to my post, it sounds like you may be projecting. My situation is different from yours. I thought his ex wife was my friend and happy to be her friend (despite criticism from others). Her recent actions such as telling him she loves him and posting pictures of him on her Facebook page thanking him for fathering her children is a little over the top at a minimum. You helping your SOs gf find a job and helping her with a resume isn't the same as you texting your ex all day asking him how his work meetings are going and telling him what he should be doing with his career unsolicited. Your drawing comparisons about two different situations. On top of it calling me immature for not handling a situation that is different from yours the way you handle your dynamics with your ex and his SO. No, I'm not airing ALL of my dirty laundry on an online and going over all of the details surrounding my relationship not because I'm secretive or hiding something but because I chose to maintain some privacy. My question was how to go about establishing healthy boundaries with an ex and I've gotten helpful sound advice.

It's pretty obvious that I should leave the relationship because it's not one founded on respect.

Like I said before, sometimes it just helps to write it out and get advice from unbiased parties.

I am not you and my situation isn't like yours at all. To me ex isn't synonymous with enemy. You said that not me. How about before assigning feelings or thoughts to others you don't know, you actually read what they say and not make it about you. Thanks.

[ashleyo]

Wow... I feel like no matter what advice I give you, you will allow him to lawyer his way around it. So instead of giving you advice on what to do/say, I will give you a prediction. A prediction allows you to formulate your own game plan on how to deal with it.

 

 

Prediction 1: He's either already or about to start seeing his exwife

Prediction 2: He feels your malleable enough to stay with him while he does so.

Prediction 3: Her current husband just wants to be rid of her with the least impact to his wallet. Getting her back together and 'in love' with her first husband is in his best interests.

 

 

Don't be surprised if he starts trying to talk you into a threesome with her in the near future.

 

 

So my advice is to prep for those predictions. Worst case you're prepared for something that doesn't come about. Best case, when his **** hits the fan, you've already got a game plan in motion to either get out of there or to countermove him into submission.

 

 

BTW... gotta love sisters! lol.

 

This actually made me laugh...your predictions are similar to mine. I'm thinking no way on earth is her husband cool with their interactions. Your perspective makes total sense. I actually feel really bad for the guy. It's funny because while they were separated, his family and his ex have admitted to the fact that she was in two relationships (in the span of one year) and had an engagement to one guy that split. My boyfriend was really cool to all of her boyfriends/fiancées and I found that attractive in the beginning. Yet he displays very jealous behaviors toward me. What I wear, where I go, how long I'm gone etc...

 

The fact of the matter, their behaviors and interactions with eachother and other people are for lack of a better word, confusing. The therapist mentioned that they're both "sick". There are other instances and nuances that made her arrive at that conclusion. Maybe they are and maybe they aren't. I'm not qualified enough to really be able to make that discernment. What pisses me off aren't the interactions or their relationship, but the covertness. The confusing aspect. I'm an open minded, liberal person. I'm cool with polyamory, but just call it out. Be open about it. Quit the double standard bs. The passive aggression from his ex (being super friendly and cool to my face and then talking crap behind my back) is annoying. Yet I'm defenseless and she's so defended (also annoying and not her fault but his). 4 years is a long time to go through **** in a relationship. I know people that split as soon as sh** hits the fan or stay for ten plus years...it's all apart of the process. The things we do for love I know that a lot of this is beside the point you made.

I'm glad you called it out and I feel validated in my predications instead of crazy (maybe a little crazy now especially after these 4 years lol).

 

For the longest time, I thought no way would he get back with her. He has someone with a career, younger than he or his ex, according to his friends (out of his league) someone that truly cares about him.

I realize all of that pales in comparison to the mother of his kids and doing what's best for his family. If it's getting back with her, more power to him. Just don't ruin other people in the process through lies, Abuse and manipulation.

 

Anyway off of my soapbox. Thanks for helping loveshack. Even critical advice or input is appreciated.

 

Oh and yes, gotta love little sisters for being "helpful" (rolling eyes) lol

[Gaeta]

There is a difference in being civilized and crossing lines that are detrimental to relationships. There's a difference from visiting in laws and being cool and civilized and going on intimate family retreats with them. From reading your responses to my post, it sounds like you may be projecting. My situation is different from yours. I thought his ex wife was my friend and happy to be her friend (despite criticism from others). Her recent actions such as telling him she loves him and posting pictures of him on her Facebook page thanking him for fathering her children is a little over the top at a minimum. You helping your SOs gf find a job and helping her with a resume isn't the same as you texting your ex all day asking him how his work meetings are going and telling him what he should be doing with his career unsolicited. Your drawing comparisons about two different situations. On top of it calling me immature for not handling a situation that is different from yours the way you handle your dynamics with your ex and his SO. No, I'm not airing ALL of my dirty laundry on an online and going over all of the details surrounding my relationship not because I'm secretive or hiding something but because I chose to maintain some privacy. My question was how to go about establishing healthy boundaries with an ex and I've gotten helpful sound advice.

It's pretty obvious that I should leave the relationship because it's not one founded on respect.

Like I said before, sometimes it just helps to write it out and get advice from unbiased parties.

I am not you and my situation isn't like yours at all. To me ex isn't synonymous with enemy. You said that not me. How about before assigning feelings or thoughts to others you don't know, you actually read what they say and not make it about you. Thanks.

 

If you had put those details in your original post my position on this would have been different. If you don't paint a true situation how to you expect to get good related advice.

 

It's not about doing your dirty laundry in public, we are all anonymous here, it's about being accurate.

 

There is a world of difference between posting an old family picture and posting an old family picture with a comment thank you for fathering my children.

[kendahke]

Oh and yes, gotta love little sisters for being "helpful" (rolling eyes) lol

 

Roll your eyes all you want, but the fact remains she made a mess he insisted you clean up.

 

As I said earlier:

If after 4 years you're wondering about how to establish boundaries with an ex wife and he's done absolutely nothing to straighten her out of his own volition then you don't have a relationship like you think you do and THAT is your problem here, not his ex.

 

That right there is a no-brainer for anyone who is calling themselves in an intimate, emotional relationship with someone for the past 4 years. At what point will you be good enough to be put first in consideration? When will he figure out that he should be esteeming you waaaay better than this?

 

Have you even had a talk with him about all of this? If so, what did he say about what he's been allowing? If not, why are you so afraid to own your voice and speak up for yourself?

 

The ex should have been in her place a long, long time ago--like 4 years ago. She's probably saying that stuff because he's telling her something that makes her bold enough to put that statement about being grateful for him being the father of her children out where everyone can see it... and there are no repercussions from him about what she's doing. Just because she's got a husband doesn't mean your boyfriend and the ex can't be trying to work their way back to one another.

 

Something is afoot here and he's allowing it. Give that some thought.