Came home to his things gone. What do I do?

[Hurt2Much]

OK so I'm sorry if this goes round in circles and gets quite lengthy but that's how my head is right now. First time I've ever felt the need to write in a forum too.

 

So in brief. I have (had) been with my boyfriend for 6 1/2 years (lived together 5 years) and he has just broken up with me. Or at least I think that's what this is. That's my problem I am just so confused.

 

 

He has broken up with me in the past.

1) We were apart for 6 months but still living together. At the time he said he wasn't in love with me anymore and needed space and to gain his own independence. We got back to together after he realised that isn't what he wanted after all, he was just in a bad place.

 

2) He broke it off with me again about 2 months ago. He just packed a bag came downstairs and said I can't do this anymore, no other explanation. I did the no contact and by the end of the week he wanted to talk. He had realised that everything he was unhappy with wasn't to do with me or us. It was him. He agreed to go to the doctors about it knowing that his anxiety was getting much worse. I wasn't going to give him another chance because of the first time. But he had thought deep and hard what he was unhappy with and the fact he admitted he needed help, I thought with the help he/we will be OK.

 

3) This time was the worst one yet. So cruel the way he has done it, not that there is such thing a nice way. I came home after a night out to find out he has taken most of his things (not all though). He hadn't even hinted that he was unhappy so this has been a complete shock to me. All i know is a about a week before he stayed out for a few days telling me he needed to be alone, he just needed some time as he was struggling and at a low point; but assured me that I had nothing to worry about with us and that it was just him. I don't know even know where he is now.

 

I don't know which I am more, upset or angry. Angry that he has done this especially in this way but also angry that I let it happen to myself.

 

Now I don't know what to do. He wasn't answering his phone so I have text him saying that he at least owes me an explanation. He agreed but said not today as he also said that he does owe me an explanation. I then left it a couple of hours and asked how about after work the next day and that we need to arrange this because I can't wait around feeling anxious all the time. I just need an explanation. He hasn't replied and he has now unfriended me on Facebook. I don't know if thats to push me away completely or if it is so he can't check on me. Last time he admitted he was worried about me so kept checking if I had been on Facebook to make sure I was OK. Or is it because he knows I would check if he's been online when he's not even replying to me.

I usually respect his need to be alone. But he has always told me before doing anything like this. But nothing has been this extreme. Now I am just wondering what went wrong. Have I done something.

How do I even know if this is real or just an episode if he won't talk yet. This is why I want to talk sooner rather than later. If it's over it's over but then we have a lot to sort, but then the sooner I can start to try and move on.

If it's just an episode, as hard as it is I want to be there to try and help him get through it.

 

There could be so much more I could add but I don't want to bore people and go overboard. But if anyone has any questions that might help I will answer.

 

So I suppose my question to everyone here is what do i do now?

Also, I have it set in my head he won't but what if he decides it was just an episode and wants me back? I love him so much and with or without him I want him to get better.

 

I know what I would probably tell anyone else. But telling myself isn't that easy.

[salparadise]

If it's just an episode, as hard as it is I want to be there to try and help him get through it.

 

This is at least the third time he's left in a few months. He has said he doesn't love you and he can't do this anymore. He leaves and refuses to communicate, leaves you wondering wtf... and you're wondering if this is just an episode, so you can be there to help him through it? Sheesh!

 

You are an enabler.

 

 

So I suppose my question to everyone here is what do i do now?

 

1. Change the locks.

2. Put his remaining sh*t on the doorstep and tell him he has one day to collect it.

3. Start figuring out why you think so little of yourself that you're willing to let this guy treat you like a doormat, and you're still there holding the door open.

 

I know what I would probably tell anyone else. But telling myself isn't that easy.

 

Get someone else to tell you, and listen.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you need to stop blaming this on "episodes" and see it for what it is. He doesn't want this relationship anymore and he's been struggling with that idea for a long time.

 

I don't doubt that anxiety can contribute to uncertainty and distress, which directly affect a relationship. But at some point, you have to admit to yourself that he's not totally off his rocker, with no control over his own actions. He knows what he's doing. He had the capability to pack his bags and leave and block you on social media.

 

While I understand you want an explanation, you also need to draw a boundary for yourself. You've allowed him to come and go twice now. Where is your limit? He's not treating you well, whatever the reason may be. It's not right. Stop enabling this mistreatment.

 

Treat this as a breakup. He made a very clear choice.

[Satu]

It sounds like his heart hasn't been in the relationship for a long time.

 

This cycle of splitting and back together isn't good for either of you.

 

If I were in your position, I would bring this relationship to a close and let him go.

 

Then you'll be in able to get on with your life, without having to wonder when its all going happen again.

 

As much as you may love him, this relationship doesn't work.

 

Let him go.

 

 

Take care.

Edited July 4, 2016 by Satu

[salparadise]

And, if you take the assertive stance and tell him, "this is it- you're done," then you can be the dumper rather than the dumpee. This may help some with the self-esteem issues. Why do you not feel that you deserve to be treated with a modicum of respect and dignity?

 

I'm sorry for what you're going through, but constantly hanging by a thread, always wondering either when is he going to leave again, or whether he'll take you back again after another episode is just not healthy. You need to take control and put an end to it. This is not going to suddenly become a fully functional relationship. It is what it is. It's up to you to hit the kill switch.

[Hurt2Much]

Thank you for all of your replies.

 

Just to clarify a few things (not that it will change what I know is the right thing to do) -:

1) We were together for a full year after the first breakup. And I do know depression/anxiety is a big part. He won't even talk to his family about it, but even they can see he needs help. And he never suffered from either before the 1st break up.

2) When he's not feeling low he is the best most caring boyfriend you could think of. Always putting me first, always making me smile.

3) It isn't that I don't feel like I deserve to be treated better. I do. But I want to be treated better by him. Like I said when he isn't on a low he treats me perfectly, just like I'm his princess. I also want him to be better. And like I said I want that even if it's with or without him. If it was a mental illness causing this I wouldn't want to just walk away. Not completely. I am thinking to myself what I need to do is step back and hope he gets the help he needs. And then if we are meant to be we are meant to be and will end up back together again and for the right reasons. And that way I wouldn't have put my life on hold for something that might not happen.

4) I can't change the locks because we rent the house. The contract is also under his name but with money coming from my account. A bit messy.

 

 

Depending on what if any explanation I get should I offer support on a friend level. Not straight away as I know I need to heal but in time. It is a lot to throw away when he has also been my best friend for so many years.

 

Also, how can I force him to talk to me. Not only about the explanation I need. But there is to sort for him to move out. Like I want him to respect that I don't want him just coming by whenever he wants to get his stuff just because he has a key. But if he's not answering me at all about anything how do I provoke him to. Provoke is probably the wrong word.

 

To be honest it is still very raw and I haven't given much cooling down time it only happened at the weekend, but for me the sooner we can sort this the sooner I can heal.

 

How long should I leave it before I ask him again to meet and talk about everything that needs sorting.

[Zahara]

He wasn't answering his phone so I have text him saying that he at least owes me an explanation. I just need an explanation.

 

So, he's mentioned that he is not in love with you anymore and has left you three times. You still need an explanation?

 

At what point do you accept that he isn't in love with you, and make the proactive decision of choosing your own fate and kicking this numbskull to the curb rather than keep waiting for him to cut you loose?

 

If it's just an episode, as hard as it is I want to be there to try and help him get through it.

 

An episode? He's dumped you three times.

 

So I suppose my question to everyone here is what do i do now?

 

You gather all his belongings. Send him a message that it's sitting out on the porch. Change the locks. NC. Suffer the pain of this ending, heal and move on. It's absolutely ridicilous on your part to wonder if this is just an episode when this man has treated you so poorly.

 

Of course, he may want you back, but everytime he's wanted you back, he's followed up with a dumping. Will "episode" 4 be any different? No.

[Satu]

I hope I'm not being too blunt here...

 

He may suffer from anxiety and depression, but that isn't the whole explanation of his behaviour.

 

For whatever reasons of his own, he's done his thinking, and he doesn't want to continue in this relationship. Those reasons might be vague and poorly defined, but he's made a decision on the basis of them. It might just not feel right to stay.

 

We aren't always able to articulate the reasons why we do things; sometimes its just a feeling.

 

I wonder if him remaining in this relationship has exacerbated his depression and anxiety.

 

He might heal better outside of it.

 

You should think about that.

 

If he says he needs to leave, you should accept it and let him go.

 

 

Take care.

Edited July 4, 2016 by Satu

[PegNosePete]

I want to be treated better by him. Like I said when he isn't on a low he treats me perfectly, just like I'm his princess. I also want him to be better. And like I said I want that even if it's with or without him.

What you want is pretty irrelevant to be honest. I want a million bucks, a Ferrari and a full head of hair. That doesn't mean I will get those things.

 

He has shown you 3 times now, that he does not want a relationship with you. He has shown you quite clearly that he is not going to give you what you want.

 

how can I force him to talk to me

Force him? Well you could hold a gun to his head. What do you mean "force" him? If he doesn't want to talk to you then he won't, no matter what you say or do. You can't make someone do something they don't want to.

 

But if he's not answering me at all about anything how do I provoke him to.

Well since you're stuck paying the rent for the flat that he is co-signed to rent, you could tell him that if he doesn't talk to you in order to sort that situation out then you'll take him to court to get half the rent off him. That might provoke him to respond. Most people respond to money threats.

[Hurt2Much]

Zahara, as I said I can't change the locks its a rented property and under his name. And it was the first time we broke up, he said he does love me but didn't know if he was in love with me. Since we got back together he has been in love with.

 

I do understand that if he says he needs to leave that I need to let him. I can't stop that. And like you said it might help him heal.

 

I know other people with mental health issues and I do know this can be the cause. As what they do is try to push someone away to protect them and also be alone fully; not because they don't love the person anymore. I can't say this is the case and I won't be stupid enough to tell myself that's what it is especially when he won't talk to me, but that is what makes walking away fully very difficult.

 

I do still feel like I deserve an explanation, whether I agree with it or not at least then I have one. The way he has done it is just so out of character for him.

 

My problem at the moment is I am the one in the house that is under his name but comes out of my bank account, with all of his stuff. Whilst he has a key and come and go when he pleases. I am not comfortable with that.

[Redhead14]

OK so I'm sorry if this goes round in circles and gets quite lengthy but that's how my head is right now. First time I've ever felt the need to write in a forum too.

 

So in brief. I have (had) been with my boyfriend for 6 1/2 years (lived together 5 years) and he has just broken up with me. Or at least I think that's what this is. That's my problem I am just so confused.

 

 

He has broken up with me in the past.

1) We were apart for 6 months but still living together. At the time he said he wasn't in love with me anymore and needed space and to gain his own independence. We got back to together after he realised that isn't what he wanted after all, he was just in a bad place.

 

2) He broke it off with me again about 2 months ago. He just packed a bag came downstairs and said I can't do this anymore, no other explanation. I did the no contact and by the end of the week he wanted to talk. He had realised that everything he was unhappy with wasn't to do with me or us. It was him. He agreed to go to the doctors about it knowing that his anxiety was getting much worse. I wasn't going to give him another chance because of the first time. But he had thought deep and hard what he was unhappy with and the fact he admitted he needed help, I thought with the help he/we will be OK.

 

3) This time was the worst one yet. So cruel the way he has done it, not that there is such thing a nice way. I came home after a night out to find out he has taken most of his things (not all though). He hadn't even hinted that he was unhappy so this has been a complete shock to me. All i know is a about a week before he stayed out for a few days telling me he needed to be alone, he just needed some time as he was struggling and at a low point; but assured me that I had nothing to worry about with us and that it was just him. I don't know even know where he is now.

 

I don't know which I am more, upset or angry. Angry that he has done this especially in this way but also angry that I let it happen to myself.

 

Now I don't know what to do. He wasn't answering his phone so I have text him saying that he at least owes me an explanation. He agreed but said not today as he also said that he does owe me an explanation. I then left it a couple of hours and asked how about after work the next day and that we need to arrange this because I can't wait around feeling anxious all the time. I just need an explanation. He hasn't replied and he has now unfriended me on Facebook. I don't know if thats to push me away completely or if it is so he can't check on me. Last time he admitted he was worried about me so kept checking if I had been on Facebook to make sure I was OK. Or is it because he knows I would check if he's been online when he's not even replying to me.

I usually respect his need to be alone. But he has always told me before doing anything like this. But nothing has been this extreme. Now I am just wondering what went wrong. Have I done something.

How do I even know if this is real or just an episode if he won't talk yet. This is why I want to talk sooner rather than later. If it's over it's over but then we have a lot to sort, but then the sooner I can start to try and move on.

If it's just an episode, as hard as it is I want to be there to try and help him get through it.

 

There could be so much more I could add but I don't want to bore people and go overboard. But if anyone has any questions that might help I will answer.

 

So I suppose my question to everyone here is what do i do now?

Also, I have it set in my head he won't but what if he decides it was just an episode and wants me back? I love him so much and with or without him I want him to get better.

 

I know what I would probably tell anyone else. But telling myself isn't that easy.

 

I don't have any questions. The writing has been on the wall for quite some time. The man is "broken".

 

What do you do now? You pick yourself up and move forward. Don't put your emotional life on hold for a man who isn't capable of being in or attempting to have a healthy relationship. Don't reach out to him in any way Period. Let him go if that is what he wants. And, if he attempts to come back, you tell him that you are going to move on and find someone who can give you want you need. Three times now this guy has bailed on you.

 

Yeah, it's been 6 years and some people might say, you kinda owe it to try to be supportive and understanding talk to him, etc. However, that sentiment, in my book, would only apply in a marriage. And, why should you do that when he clearly isn't.

 

I say this all the time -- When someone tells me they need space. I become NASA. They can contact Houston when they figure out what their problem is. And, when/if they do, and they think they can come back, they will find that there is another problem -- I don't want them anymore.

[Zahara]

Zahara, as I said I can't change the locks its a rented property and under his name. And it was the first time we broke up, he said he does love me but didn't know if he was in love with me. Since we got back together he has been in love with.

 

Based on his words of not being in love with you anymore and his actions -- leaving you three times, I find it hard to believe that those actions have anything to do with someone being in love. Just because he's come back after every dumping doesn't indicate that this man has a sense of what it means to love someone with depth, on a healthy level.

 

I do understand that if he says he needs to leave that I need to let him. I can't stop that. And like you said it might help him heal.

 

Help him heal. While you are so focused on him "healing", you are surely stripping yourself of your worth and damaging your own sense of self. If anyone needs, healing it is you. I can't imagine anyone tolerating this kind of behavior and that in itself speaks of your own emotional and mental state.

 

I know other people with mental health issues and I do know this can be the cause. As what they do is try to push someone away to protect them and also be alone fully; not because they don't love the person anymore. I can't say this is the case and I won't be stupid enough to tell myself that's what it is especially when he won't talk to me, but that is what makes walking away fully very difficult.

 

You don't sit there and tolerate being treated poorly because someone has issues. You let them go. That's because you need to prioritize your own mental health. He's a grown man. How long do you continue running yourself ragged, walking on eggshells, waiting for an axe to fall because YOU need to be understanding and tolerant of his issues? How much of that at some point starts to break you and wear down on your own emotional and mental state? At this point you are an enabler. His mental health issues aren't worth the pain and damage it inflicts on your own psyche.

 

I do still feel like I deserve an explanation, whether I agree with it or not at least then I have one. The way he has done it is just so out of character for him.

 

It's not out of character. It's just a step up from packing a bag, heading downstairs and telling you he is leaving.

 

My problem at the moment is I am the one in the house that is under his name but comes out of my bank account, with all of his stuff. Whilst he has a key and come and go when he pleases. I am not comfortable with that.

 

Ask the landlord what it takes to break the lease. I was in a similar situation once and the landlord was nice enough to break the lease without much of a penalty. Let your ex know that you need to communicate about the home and next steps and that you have contacted the landlord about breaking the lease, or next steps in that he can take over the payments on the home since the lease is in his name and you will be moving out. While you are doing that, start grabbing all his things and piling them into a spot of the house.

Edited July 4, 2016 by Zahara

[sooshi]

Based on his words of not being in love with you anymore and his actions -- leaving you three times, I find it hard to believe that those actions have anything to do with someone being in love. Just because he's come back after every dumping doesn't indicate that this man has a sense of what it means to love someone with depth, on a healthy level.

 

 

 

Help him heal. While you are so focused on him "healing", you are surely stripping yourself of your worth and damaging your own sense of self. If anyone needs, healing it is you. I can't imagine anyone tolerating this kind of behavior and that in itself speaks of your own emotional and mental state.

 

 

 

You don't sit there and tolerate being treated poorly because someone has issues. You let them go. That's because you need to prioritize your own mental health. He's a grown man. How long do you continue running yourself ragged, walking on eggshells, waiting for an axe to fall because YOU need to be understanding and tolerant of his issues? How much of that at some point starts to break you and wear down on your own emotional and mental state? At this point you are an enabler. His mental health issues aren't worth the pain and damage it inflicts on your own psyche.

 

 

Wow. This.

[PegNosePete]

My problem at the moment is I am the one in the house that is under his name but comes out of my bank account, with all of his stuff. Whilst he has a key and come and go when he pleases. I am not comfortable with that.

Well, this has a relatively easy solution.

 

First, find a new place for yourself. Get your stuff out of there.

 

Second, cancel the standing order that pays his rent from your bank account.

 

Third, tell him that you are not paying his rent any more, and he should start paying it from now on. Failure to do so may result in the landlord taking legal action against him, which could give him a criminal conviction and will affect his credit rating.

[angel.eyes]

He's treating you like a princess but living rent-free on your dime? How does that work exactly?

 

The sooner you can admit to yourself that he really doesn't want a relationship with you, the healthier for you. By your own admission, this cycle of him abruptly breaking up with you has been going on for a year. There is no long-term future here. You're wasting your time and energy clinging to someone who has wanted out for a long time.

[Hurt2Much]

I probably should have said. He doesn't live rent free. He transfers his share into my account before it goes from mine to the landlord.

 

I am not clinging onto him as a boyfriend. I need things sorted and it is not in me to just dump his things on the doorstep and tell him to collect them and definitely not in me to just move and tell him he better start paying rent before the landlord takes him to court. Maybe I'm soft but I couldn't do that to anyone. Maybe my mind will change as time passes.

 

Like I have said I do know I need to see it as over. But how long would people give it before suck drastic measures?

[angel.eyes]

Well, this has a relatively easy solution.

 

First, find a new place for yourself. Get your stuff out of there.

 

Second, cancel the standing order that pays his rent from your bank account.

 

Third, tell him that you are not paying his rent any more, and he should start paying it from now on. Failure to do so may result in the landlord taking legal action against him, which could give him a criminal conviction and will affect his credit rating.

 

Correct. If your name isn't on the lease, find your own place, move out, and stop making payments.

 

If it is, have a chat with the landlord to see if he'll let you break the lease with minimal penalties given your circumstances. Even if he won't, in many jurisdictions, the penalty for breaking your lease is just losing your deposit.

[elaine567]

Can you afford the rental on your own?

[Zahara]

But how long would people give it before suck drastic measures?

 

The man has left you three times. Three times. I mean, he packed a bag, came downstairs and said he had to leave. Then a step further, you came home with his things gone.

 

This isn't drastic anymore. This is you taking control of your life and moving on. This is you deciding for yourself that enough is enough. This is you picking up your self-respect.

 

The only thing drastic is the fact that you've allowed yourself to be treated poorly one too many times.

[angel.eyes]

I probably should have said. He doesn't live rent free. He transfers his share into my account before it goes from mine to the landlord.

Thanks for clarifying. Is your name on the lease?

 

i I am not clinging onto him as a boyfriend. I need things sorted and it is not in me to just dump his things on the doorstep and tell him to collect them and definitely not in me to just move and tell him he better start paying rent before the landlord takes him to court. Maybe I'm soft but I couldn't do that to anyone. Maybe my mind will change as time passes.

 

Like I have said I do know I need to see it as over. But how long would people give it before suck drastic measures?

 

So his behavior of just disappearing doesn't seem drastic to you? Neither did breakup #2 where he abruptly packed a bag, claimed he couldn't do this any more and disappeared?

 

For most people, someone breaking up with them is drastic enough for them to walk away too. He's done this three times and you're still making excuses for why he doesn't really mean to break up with you.

 

What exactly will it take for you to finally walk away?

[salparadise]

Is the lease in both names or just his? If it's just his then you're free to get another house or apartment and just move, instantly. If both, then you'll have to talk to the landlord and tell him that the bf has vacated the premises and that you need his name removed and the locks changed. He may agree since you've been the one paying anyway.

 

The excuse you're using to cling to this is not valid. The words mental health do not constitute a free pass. People terminate relationships all the time due to, or in spite of, mental health issues. If he were depressed, still treating you well and asking for understanding it might be different, but he's not.

 

The other thing is, you can't fix him, and it's not your job to try either. Your job is to hold up your half of a functional relationship. Your job is to take care of you now, because he's gone. Why do you refuse to accept what is clearly evident from both is words and actions?

 

He has told you he doesn't love you, can't take it anymore, and has left you three times. You're making every excuse in the book for him to justify for clinging to and enabling a totally dysfunctional situation. I know it's hard, but you have to deal with what is, and quit idealizing this guy as if he holds the key utopia.

[elaine567]

The minute he said he didn't love you, this relationship was over, the rest is just him dillying and dallying, and trying to pluck up the courage to actually go for good.

 

I guess his anxiety and "depression" will disappear once he frees himself totally from this relationship.

 

This is over, sort out the lease with the landlord and if you can afford it and want to, then stay, if you cannot and don't, then pack your stuff and leave.

I am afraid the only love story here is in your head.

Grieve, heal and move on.

[VeveCakes]

5 years... this relationship has run its course. Sorry you are going through this.

[Els]

OP.... listen to what all these people are telling you. Stop putting the blame on his anxiety. I suffer from anxiety as well and I have NEVER done this! There are parts of anxiety that you cannot control, like the panic attacks, the sleeplessness, etc. I know that too well. But there are parts that you CAN control, and being a total asshat by removing all your stuff from a shared house with a partner of 6 years is one of them! That is NOT what you do when you have a panic attack, the attacks actually tend to leave you physically drained and shaking and you certainly are NOT able to pack up all your stuff and move in a few hours during one of them.

 

You need to take off the blinders and accept that this man does not want a R with you. He may well suffer from anxiety but that is irrelevant to the choices he is making here. Please, for your own sake, cut him off and move on. If the lease is just under his name and not yours, you are not liable to stay at all. Just pay up your share of rent for this month, then leave him a final text message letting him know that he has to sort next month's rent out by himself, and block him.

Edited July 4, 2016 by Elswyth

[MovingOnIsHard]

OP, my bf is diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder, but he has taken the steps in controlling it with the right meds and therapy.

 

Mental illness is not an excuse to neglect taking responsibility for your own actions. I work in the healthcare field and we help people with mental illness take responsibility, not encourage them to have self-pity and be helpless.

 

I've had to deal with someone with possible mental illness. The natural reaction for a caring person would be to try to understand that person, feel sorry for them, and help them. However, it is easy to go down that slippery slope and become a co-dependent to that person, which is not right.

 

You cannot set aside your mental health for the sake of another. Likewise, you cannot save everyone from themselves. There comes a time when you have to walk away.

 

Your ex has chosen to walk away many times from you. Please show some love and care for yourself by walking away from him as well.

 

Get your apartment situation sorted out (as what other posters have suggested). That would be my first priority. Then either move out or move his things out.