ashy555 Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 So I have recently developed a pretty fairly decent crush on a friend who I have known for about 4 years. He used to like me a few years ago but I never saw him like that because i was always focused on someone else. Most likely one of the many jerks I have dated(including one in our friendship circle) I finally got the courage and asked him out a few weeks ago. I have never asked out a man before so was quite proud. We went on our first date this past Friday. He is tall at 6'5(I am just under 6 foot), fairly attractive and a very smart intelligent sort of guy who comes from a great family. I actually can't believe I never saw it earlier and am so happy I have now. Basically I have actually come to the realisation that I have been the problem from the start. I have been hurt in the past by every man that I have seen, which usually involved being ghosted after a certain amount of time. I have also pushed away every nice decent man that has shown interest. I don't know what is wrong with me but i start to feel the pressure, feel trapped and mess it all up. For me I think it has always been that I like the thrill of the chase. I would never have admitted that until now. The only chemistry I have ever felt with a man.. is with the men that blow hot and cold. I have said it in the past that I just want a nice one, but as soon as one comes about, I don't know how to handle it. My parents have been trying to tell me this for years but I never listened and now it makes sense. The last guy I dated for about 5 months and it was the most carefree fun experience I have had dating a guy. Now i know the reason for that was because I knew he wasn't right for me and that it wasn't going anywhere. The passion there was strong but he was also a massive player. Now i have chased down this great guy and had my first date. He picked me up, drove me to dinner and paid for everything. During the date I couldn't quite let go of my fears. I was already thinking of how awful I would feel to end it if I am not interested. i kept focusing on the shallow negatives like his dress sense, and his stutter. I pushed myself to kiss him despite not knowing whether I wanted to or not(I think I did which is a start). In the end, the kiss was actually quite pleasant. I didn't feel a huge surge or fireworks though, but I enjoyed it. My problem is that I really don't want to let this one go. I want to let go of all my stupid fears and go with the flow. All weekend i almost felt anxious and trapped already, yet found myself fantasizing about kissing him again all at the same time. I am 26 and never had any serious kind of relationship and I need to change the way i think or else I will never find anyone. It has to be all in my sub conscious. When i was 18 and 19 I dated anything that moved. Now i feel so much more reserved. Then i date total losers who cant treat me right. I would love any advice from anyone who has ever been in this kind of situation or faced the same kind of problems? How did you change? I am scared of something but can't quite figure out what it is. :confused:
ExpatInItaly Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 Hey there OP, The first step in making a chance is acknowledging that there's an issue, which you're now doing. So you're already on the right track! I don't share the same fears you do, but a close friend of mine (male) does. He has some other problems he wanted to sort out so he sought therapy, and his therapist brought up Attachment Theory. You may want to look into this too. Broadly, there are a few different types of Attachment, which are reflected in our romantic relationships - Anxious, Secure and Avoidant; they all have variations within them as well. You're describing a pattern that sounds somewhat like Avoidant attachment, though only a professional could really determine this. There are lots of resources out there but it might be a place to start.
Author ashy555 Posted July 4, 2016 Author Posted July 4, 2016 Thankyou ExpatInItaly... I'll look into it. From what I have seen so far it kind of sounds like me but not to the full extent. My upbringing has been great and I have loving parents who are still together(they are best friends) but I do have problem getting too close and intimate with people. Sometimes even my best friend. Yet I have no problem getting intimate with and close with these men that are bad for me. I would like to figure out a way to see a therapist of some sort. I am so happy that I have realised it though.
Redhead14 Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 So I have recently developed a pretty fairly decent crush on a friend who I have known for about 4 years. He used to like me a few years ago but I never saw him like that because i was always focused on someone else. Most likely one of the many jerks I have dated(including one in our friendship circle) I finally got the courage and asked him out a few weeks ago. I have never asked out a man before so was quite proud. We went on our first date this past Friday. He is tall at 6'5(I am just under 6 foot), fairly attractive and a very smart intelligent sort of guy who comes from a great family. I actually can't believe I never saw it earlier and am so happy I have now. Basically I have actually come to the realisation that I have been the problem from the start. I have been hurt in the past by every man that I have seen, which usually involved being ghosted after a certain amount of time. I have also pushed away every nice decent man that has shown interest. I don't know what is wrong with me but i start to feel the pressure, feel trapped and mess it all up. For me I think it has always been that I like the thrill of the chase. I would never have admitted that until now. The only chemistry I have ever felt with a man.. is with the men that blow hot and cold. I have said it in the past that I just want a nice one, but as soon as one comes about, I don't know how to handle it. My parents have been trying to tell me this for years but I never listened and now it makes sense. The last guy I dated for about 5 months and it was the most carefree fun experience I have had dating a guy. Now i know the reason for that was because I knew he wasn't right for me and that it wasn't going anywhere. The passion there was strong but he was also a massive player. Now i have chased down this great guy and had my first date. He picked me up, drove me to dinner and paid for everything. During the date I couldn't quite let go of my fears. I was already thinking of how awful I would feel to end it if I am not interested. i kept focusing on the shallow negatives like his dress sense, and his stutter. I pushed myself to kiss him despite not knowing whether I wanted to or not(I think I did which is a start). In the end, the kiss was actually quite pleasant. I didn't feel a huge surge or fireworks though, but I enjoyed it. My problem is that I really don't want to let this one go. I want to let go of all my stupid fears and go with the flow. All weekend i almost felt anxious and trapped already, yet found myself fantasizing about kissing him again all at the same time. I am 26 and never had any serious kind of relationship and I need to change the way i think or else I will never find anyone. It has to be all in my sub conscious. When i was 18 and 19 I dated anything that moved. Now i feel so much more reserved. Then i date total losers who cant treat me right. I would love any advice from anyone who has ever been in this kind of situation or faced the same kind of problems? How did you change? I am scared of something but can't quite figure out what it is. :confused: Unless and until you can pack up the negative thinking and projection from previous bad experiences, you will likely not be able to fully connect with a new person effectively. You will subconsciously self-sabotage things before or when things do start to get close emotionally. You need to focus on the here and now not fall back on the past. It's a difficult thing, but it is unfair to yourself and the new people you date if they become attached and you are not allowing yourself to focus on the other person for who they are, whether or not they are meeting your dating needs, etc. If nothing else, it's a matter of resolve and inner strength to accept and leave the past in the past. And, you will certainly have more failed dating experiences than "successes". It's just the way it is. Try not to take the "failures" personally and realize that if things don't work out in particular dating scenarios, it simply wasn't a good match. Make sure to keep a positive, open mind when dating new people. If you find it difficult to do that, you'd best take some time for yourself and not date for a while. Let yourself heal from the past before you attempt dating.
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