Ocino Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 Yikes...just need to blow off some steam. Came back from a first date with a Christian girl who blew up at me because I told her I was agnostic and didn't believe in her god. She showed up 30 minutes late to the date. Dinner at a Mexican restaurant. I let that go. Conversation started off pleasant enough. I'm a reasonably attractive guy with a good job. She's getting her masters. We talked, basically asking and answering questions. Making an effort to keep the conversation going. Ran into a bunch of dead ends, so it got to feel a bit like a mutual interview, but there were moments of fun. Towards the end of the date we stumbled on the topic of religion. She told me I don't seem like a Christian. I told her yeah, my family is Christian, and Im spiritual, but I dont believe in God. I dont think there's any real evidence for me to. From that point on things just turned combative, and I was at a complete loss as to why. It was as me describing my issue with the logic behind religion was equivalent to cursing her family name. So what, maybe lack of faith is a deal breaker. Maybe she doesn't want to see me again. But why does it have to turn so hostile? Why can't we be civil about it? I just don't get it. It turned what would have been a pleasant evening of dinner into a conflict that just didn't need to be there. And I feel like the bad guy just because I don't believe in the god of her holy book. After the date she didn't even thank me for paying for her meal. I just walked her to her car and gave her a side hug and she drove off. No text. No nothing. I just don't get it.
todreaminblue Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 you arent the bad guy.....even if you dont believe in god theres a way to treat people and a way to not treat people......you were honest and upfront with her......that's you being a good person....... i will say religious differences are an issue....they are with me....but i wouldnt be combative ....in all honesty i would ask before the date if the guy believed in god...so as not to waste time....theirs or mine.....the lady in question should have shown you common courtesy.....not all women would behave in such a manner..maybe next time...bring it up before you actually go out...or search for women who hold the same view as you...it gives you a better starting point..regardless ...you are not a bad person..........i wish you well on your future dates...deb
angel.eyes Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 Were you really expecting a follow-up text given how combative the discussion got? Obviously you weren't compatible. Vent away, then on to the next.
bu2002 Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 I look at this as a positive that this was vetted on the first date. It would suck if you guys got along really well and then 3 dates in, this was discovered and a deal breaker for her. Religion is something i vet early on. It's easier with online dating, but if I were to be set up with someone, it's something i will inquire about. It's a big deal and deserves to be addressed as such. I think it was good you were upfront and wouldn't shy away from it in the future. 2
Author Ocino Posted July 4, 2016 Author Posted July 4, 2016 Were you really expecting a follow-up text given how combative the discussion got? Obviously you weren't compatible. Vent away, then on to the next. I wasn't necessarily expecting a follow up text, but I mean people with religious differences coexist and cooperate every day without quarreling. I get that we weren't compatible, clearly not as future BF/GF, but I would expect anyone to be compatible enough as a dinner date partner to attempt to end the night pleasantly. I was disappointed there.
angel.eyes Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 I would expect anyone to be compatible enough as a dinner date partner to attempt to end the night pleasantly. I was disappointed there. Apparently you were that incompatible! So incompatible that a civil ending wasn't possible. It was a single date. You really shouldn't have expectations of a complete stranger you just met. That's how you set yourself up for disappointment. 1
Author Ocino Posted July 4, 2016 Author Posted July 4, 2016 (edited) Apparently you were that incompatible! So incompatible that a civil ending wasn't possible. It was a single date. You really shouldn't have expectations of a complete stranger you just met. That's how you set yourself up for disappointment. Well I'm not going to lower my expectations of civil discourse for the general populace to the point where I think a pleasant date is too much to ask for, stranger or not. I mean we're in out late 20s for goodness sake. If that comes at the price of more frequent disappointments, so be it I suppose. Sigh..yes, on to the next. Edited July 4, 2016 by Ocino
bathtub-row Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 I wasn't necessarily expecting a follow up text, but I mean people with religious differences coexist and cooperate every day without quarreling. I get that we weren't compatible, clearly not as future BF/GF, but I would expect anyone to be compatible enough as a dinner date partner to attempt to end the night pleasantly. I was disappointed there. It's because a lot of religious zealots have a "my way or the highway" attitude. So, no, they'd prefer not to co-exist, but to convert. She's actually pretty dumb to have not made her ridiculous and judgmental position clear before ever going out with you. It's as though she's looking for opportunities to get into combat with someone. 1
Author Ocino Posted July 4, 2016 Author Posted July 4, 2016 She's actually pretty dumb to have not made her ridiculous and judgmental position clear before ever going out with you. It's as though she's looking for opportunities to get into combat with someone. So get this. I met her on an online dating app (Plenty of Fish). And now that you mentioned making her religion clear, I just went back to check what her profile says. Would you believe under her religion it actually says "non-religious"? What in the world?.. I remember being vaguely confused during our date when she discussed her faith because I thought I remembered seeing "non-religious" in her profile. But I completely dismissed it because A) I personally don't care too much about what my future GF believes so I hadn't really registered it, and B) I thought I might have been confusing her with some other girl's profile that said non-religious. But no, it's actually her. I can't fathom why she would put that. Non-religious people seem like the minority on that app, at least in my area. Maybe it was a mistake. So weird..
losangelena Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 It's because a lot of religious zealots have a "my way or the highway" attitude. So, no, they'd prefer not to co-exist, but to convert. She's actually pretty dumb to have not made her ridiculous and judgmental position clear before ever going out with you. It's as though she's looking for opportunities to get into combat with someone. I agree with this. Those who don't want to date outside their religion shouldn't. She should never have accepted a date with you in the first place. Sounds like you dodged a bullet, OP.
Hyperion227 Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 Just view it as dodging a bullet. Any religiosity is a red line for me. I'd be a bit annoyed that it took so long to find out she was a God-botherer but once I did I'd be looking for the metaphorical bathroom window to escape through. 1
bathtub-row Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 So get this. I met her on an online dating app (Plenty of Fish). And now that you mentioned making her religion clear, I just went back to check what her profile says. Would you believe under her religion it actually says "non-religious"? What in the world?.. I remember being vaguely confused during our date when she discussed her faith because I thought I remembered seeing "non-religious" in her profile. But I completely dismissed it because A) I personally don't care too much about what my future GF believes so I hadn't really registered it, and B) I thought I might have been confusing her with some other girl's profile that said non-religious. But no, it's actually her. I can't fathom why she would put that. Non-religious people seem like the minority on that app, at least in my area. Maybe it was a mistake. So weird.. Obviously she's not the sharpest knife in the drawer. She needs to be on that Christian dating site if religion is such a big deal to her. As for you, you should absolutely care what a girl's beliefs are because that kind of thing can cause huge conflicts. For instance, if they're Jewish, then that's probably no big deal. But if they're, for instance, Mormon, you'd have a very serious issue on your hands.
bubbaganoosh Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 for someone so religious, she sure didn't show it. Ignorance comes in many sizes, shapes and forms. Do not like people like that that is so ready to judge someone else and they in turn go against everything their supposed to believe in. 1
ChancesAre24 Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 So get this. I met her on an online dating app (Plenty of Fish). And now that you mentioned making her religion clear, I just went back to check what her profile says. Would you believe under her religion it actually says "non-religious"? What in the world?.. I remember being vaguely confused during our date when she discussed her faith because I thought I remembered seeing "non-religious" in her profile. But I completely dismissed it because A) I personally don't care too much about what my future GF believes so I hadn't really registered it, and B) I thought I might have been confusing her with some other girl's profile that said non-religious. But no, it's actually her. I can't fathom why she would put that. Non-religious people seem like the minority on that app, at least in my area. Maybe it was a mistake. So weird.. Not that Im agreeing with her or anything because she both misrepresented herself and was rude but this part right here:" A) I personally don't care too much about what my future GF believes so I hadn't really registered it, and" I feel like you should actually care what your future GF believes.
Author Ocino Posted July 4, 2016 Author Posted July 4, 2016 But if they're, for instance, Mormon, you'd have a very serious issue on your hands. Potentially, yes there are a few exceptions where if the religion is practiced in largely orthodox fashion, then I would be shafted. But what I should have said is I don't care what my partner believes spiritually, as long as I don't have to conform to it.
Author Ocino Posted July 4, 2016 Author Posted July 4, 2016 Not that Im agreeing with her or anything because she both misrepresented herself and was rude but this part right here:" A) I personally don't care too much about what my future GF believes so I hadn't really registered it, and" I feel like you should actually care what your future GF believes. Depends on what you mean. If it's something extreme, devout or radical I'd be a little worried, but it all depends on how they practice their faith. If I found a smart girl who shares my philosophies and values in life but happens to have a different religious belief, I feel like I could deal with pretty much any belief. What's the difference? And to clarify. by "not caring," I mean it wouldn't be an issue for me. I've dated Christians, gone to church and participated in their faith as a demonstration of support. I just don't buy into it.
Mikau Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 I'll give a bit of a different view. Note that I'm an atheist myself, and that I don't condone her misrepresenting herself or the hostility. But, try to look at it from her perspective a bit. Many religious people (even those that don't practice actively) get a large part of their identity from their faith. You mention in your opening post that you explained why you thought the logic behind religion was unsound. In doing so you, in her mind, both attack her character and her intelligence by basically dismissing her point of view as invalid. If you would have done this about any other subject people here would be all over you for being an ass to her, but because not being religious is rather hip at the moment it's ok (?). Now I'm not saying she had the right to go off on you, but I would advise you to treat religion the same way as other disagreements in the future. Accept you don't agree on the subject and move on, don't dissect why you think they're wrong. You can then decide whether these differences are large enough to stop you from having a future. 1
joseb Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 Many religious people (even those that don't practice actively) get a large part of their identity from their faith. You mention in your opening post that you explained why you thought the logic behind religion was unsound. In doing so you, in her mind, both attack her character and her intelligence by basically dismissing her point of view as invalid. I think that's exactly what happened. Now would the date have worked out if you bit your tongue? Maybe. But not sure you would want that anyway. I agree, if it's a big thing for her, better she list it in her profile. Her saying 'non-religious' is a bit silly, and I would have mentioned it to her.
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