joodee Posted June 28, 2005 Posted June 28, 2005 Well folks, I think I really did it this time. Long story short, the ex-mm came to my office at my day job today and asked to bring his daughter by the radio station I work at later this week (after NOT including me in the parties for his daughter over the weekend). Since other people were in the office, I said yes, but my face gave away how pissed I was. He then texted me later asking why I was upset, I decided to "go to the bad side" and wrote I want more than just a quick hello at the station. He said he was doing what I wanted by bringing his daughter over. I then got pissed and wrote that my feelings were hurt and if he really did Xoxoxo me (as his text suggests), he'd apologize for not including me, since he supposedly has nothing to hide and wants me back so much. THEN I went on e-mail and told mysef f&^k it, and wrote this: I realized after this weekend that you want me on the side so you can have your family as well. You want girlfrends and a wife, and that is not right. If you don't want to be married, do something about it. If you want more than one woman and want to live the life of a player, then stop leading me on to believe that you love me and miss me. And then I sent it. I can't believe I did that. To use the word "player" was something I didn't want to do, but he pissed me off by showing up at the office, texting me XOXO, and acting like all was well. It was bu&%. I'm gonna have to delete all incoming messages from him, cause he will not be nice, if he tries to communicate to me after that. Please tell if I did the right thing or wrong thing. I just can't believe I had the balls to do that.
smile95 Posted June 28, 2005 Posted June 28, 2005 I think you did the right thing. I know all too well how it feels to not be included in someones life and have them claim to love you. I bet you had this building up quite a while and good for you for finally saying something. Has he responded? He will probably either shape up and leave his wife or he will realize he is a player and move onto the next girl that will put up with being #2. I hope for your sake that he realizes his feelings for you and moves in the direction you want. Good luck. Do not feel bad for writing that.
gypsycat Posted June 28, 2005 Posted June 28, 2005 Good for you! Definitely think you did the right thing. If you let him get away with it, he will think it's ok. You've left no ambiguity.
newbby Posted June 28, 2005 Posted June 28, 2005 yes in my opinion you did the right thing joodee, its scary but you were honest with him, honestly is usually the best way. he cant say alot to that can he? he either does it or he doesnt.
BoatingBabe Posted June 28, 2005 Posted June 28, 2005 You did great by writing that...you threw the ball in his court...He'll either throw it back or picks up the ball and go play elsewhere...Either way, you'll know where you stand.
Author joodee Posted June 29, 2005 Author Posted June 29, 2005 Thank you all for responding, I feel like I can stick to my guns, knowing I have some support here. There is definitely no ambiguity now, that's for sure. Either he will you-know-what or get off the pot. I just hate being led on, and being lied to. Just can't tolerate this anymore. Him claiming love and not doing anything about it. What I do not understand in this whole scenario is why they don't live together. They haven't for several years now (like 7, 8, or 9 years). Does he promise her that he needs "time" and that one day they will reunite? Or is she fine with the arrangement, as long as she can look the other way? Is he fine with it so he can have his cake and eat it to and avoid alimony and real child support payments? Guess we can speculate till we are blue in the face, the only ones that know the truth are he and she. Update: this morning he e-mailed me a response to my e-mail at around 7ish, but I did not read it, I deleted it and emptied my trash folder so I would not be tempted to read and get all worked up and respond. Then two hours later he texted me to my cell phone a hug-smile picture. I did not respond. Haven't heard from him since then. It's now 6:11 PDT. I've got a list of things to do and people to call tonight, so I will be busy. I don't want to let him get away with anything anymore.
smile95 Posted June 29, 2005 Posted June 29, 2005 7-8 yrs! yikes. The guy I dated was sep for 3 yrs(living apart) and he claimed to love me but never pushed the divorce? I never got it? Still do not? I think the money situation worked out better that way? Insurance, etc. Do you think he will divorce?
Author joodee Posted June 29, 2005 Author Posted June 29, 2005 Do I think he will divorce? Who the h$%l knows at this point. He used to say it was financial; then last August he was going to talk to his W and say this is working for us, we both need to realize that, and he said his goal was to be in the filing process by the end of August 2004. Then I caught him trying to pick up other women, and we were up and down ever since. He used to make comments that nothing ever works out for him, he's got a financially sweet deal, his W seems fine with the arrangement (he has kids some nights, he gives her so much money a month), his last serious girlfriend screwed him under, blah, blah blah. Can you tell I'm in an "no sympathy for him" mood? This one girl that he "cheated" on me with that "spilled the beans" about them two last year went on about how he must have a chip on his shoulder because of how his W left him years ago. I corrected her on that fact, and she was floored. So he's telling other women that he's divorced and telling them stories. Then there's the thought that he'll file 1) once he's finished his schooling (he's preparing for another career and has about a year left), and 2) once he knows he has someone that won't leave him?? Which is kinda backwards, one needs to end a relationship/marriage, heal, and then find someone new. HE could be the one holding on to whatever is left of his relationship with his wife. But I don't know, cause he lied about so much. Anyway, I don't see him filing for divorce anytime soon, unless something drastic in his life happens one way or another. I really thought in the back of my mind that I might have been "the one" that he would love enough to do that for. Well now we'll see what he does with himself, won't we?
smile95 Posted June 29, 2005 Posted June 29, 2005 Aren't they charming when they have to be??? Kills me! I just want to say that you can do so much better. I know that you love him and he loves you too(to the best of his ability right now). But, you deserve so much more. If he is messing around on the W and YOU, he will prob do it to you inthe future. I am not an expert, but it seems to happen that way. Another thing is...seems like after they get div, they are in no hurry to ever get remarried. They are scarred. Keep us updated!Good luck.
Author joodee Posted June 29, 2005 Author Posted June 29, 2005 Thanks, I appreciate that. I will be updating!
Author joodee Posted June 30, 2005 Author Posted June 30, 2005 Right now I am second-guessing myself big time. Here I'm encouraging and supporting all of you, and here I now feel like I made a very big mistake. He -mailed a joke yesterday, I did not respond. Today, nothing so far. This was the day he was supposed to bring his daughter by the radio station, and since I am not responding to him, he hasn't been around. I figured he wouldn't. One person around here said he might show up unannounced, but he hasn't. I mean, why would he, now that I told him exactly what I thought and have ignored his attempts at communication? I don't even know why this is bothering me. It's over. I called him on the carpet and called him a player and that he just wanted me on the side. And that probably pissed him off (yet he still tried to send huggy texts after I did that). I knew he would never go through with having me around any member of his family for more than a few minutes. I have to accept the fact that he really doesn't care. So again, did I do the right thing?
newbby Posted June 30, 2005 Posted June 30, 2005 joodee, i know just what you mean, of course its easier to be strong when someone wont leave you alone, this is always the hard part. i think its probably another tactic, but who knows it might not be. the thing to remember is that, it'll never be any different to what it has been and the thing to decide is, is that what i want?
whatamess Posted July 3, 2005 Posted July 3, 2005 I don't think you did anything wrong. I think too much of the time, we let the other person treat us in ways we wouldn't tolerate out of people we have normal everyday relationships with. There is nothing wrong with you telling him how you feel about the situation. It is ok, and healthy, to have boundaries, and to let people know when they cross them and end up making us feel bad.
Author joodee Posted July 7, 2005 Author Posted July 7, 2005 Hi all, Just wanted to give you all an update on what's happening with me. Last time I wrote I was stressed that my ex-MM didn't bring daughter by the radio station. Well, he left a message later saying he was running errands and didn't have time to come by, maybe he could bring her by another day. Then he kept texting me while I was on the air, knowing I couldn't talk or respond. I went on with my life, working my jobs. I got a text from him on Saturday saying that he hoped I was having a good day. I felt compelled to write back that I hope he was figuring things out for himself. He replied with a yes. I didn't respond after that. I went to a party on Saturday night, it was fun. Sunday, I worked and then went to the theatre witn friends that night. The next day (fourth of July) he texted me telling me that he missed me and that I "do it" for him. I wrote back telling him to put action behind those words. He texted me telling me that he understood that I need action. And that was that. I went out with an ex-boyfriend on the 4th of July, he's just a friend now, but it was fun, and it was nice to be around a man who's honest and straightforward and doesn't hide s#$%. Really made me think, and I started to view life differently. I have made plans for the next several weekends and I keep buying theatre and concert tickets and inviting friends out on my dime. I am going to go broke here in trying to keep busy so I don't have to think (or have a second free) of my ex-MM. I do have to see him tomorrow at my work for some special thing at the workplace, I did tell myself I will keep it cool. He won't be able to really talk to me cause I have a tight schedule tomorrow. FYI we don't work in the same department, it's just something going on tomorrow that I have to see him at. Otherwise we really don't cross paths. Funny thing, I'm really planning my week and weekends now without considering if he could possibly fit in. That must be a sign that I realize that he's just not the one for me. I can't stomach listening to one more lie. Any feedback and comments would be very welcome.
newbby Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 hey joodee, this is great, you are doing the right thing. once the disillusioning begins, i dont think theres any turning back. just keep on keeping busy, but pace yourself, you dont want to run out of resources!! x
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