Going off "NC"

[whatnot]

I'm 58 years old. The woman I dated for 6 years lives 3 hrs. Away. I last saw her in March.

 

I went NC after our last communication in during the last of May. She's now dating a country music singer in Nashville, TN. During our last conversation, she told me of him and suggested I see other women. One is powerless when told this. The reason I believe I went NC was 2 fold. One reason was to let her know that if she tried contacting me, I would not respond (as if she cared).

But, I believe the main reason I went NC was so that whenever the phone rang...i wouldn't be hoping it was her (old habits die hard). Neither reason is a valid reason any longer. I no longer expect her to call. I believe that being NC is actually doing me more harm than good at this point. I don't enjoy having anyone on "block" from being able to Co tact me (It's not who I am). The bigger reason...Os that unless I get back to who and what I'm about...i cannot move on. It's always in my mind that I've made it to where she's the only person I've made to where it's impossible for her to contact me. This is serving to keep her in my consciousness. ..In an unhealthy way. I'm still "relating with her" by being NC. So now...if she wants to look at my FB page while in bed on some lonely night...she can. I want her to be happy. I don't want her believing I'm somehow not over her by keep that blocked.

 

I've been dumped by my the last 2 major women in my life. One was my ex wife. The other, her. Once these women have met other men...They're no longer coming back. I no longer have a reason to contact to contact this woman. She's gone. Life moves on and so has she.

 

I've looked at her pictures on the internet lately. They make me smile. They bring back the fond memories we shared. I need this in my life...for the very reason in order TO move on. She was a major part of my life. I cannot continue to treat it as if it's some sort of "lover's spat" that I need to protect myself from. She's with a better fit for her. It makes me feel good...knowing this. NC (for me) is holding me back from moving on. I can't continue in a relationship with her that is only one sided, and is only in my head at that, by being NC.

 

The relationship is was never to be. Or..."It was what it was". But in the end...it is a part of my past that I cannot continue to hold onto in this way .

 

I still am not ready to date. For all I know...i may never be again. But...so be it. It is what it is. And she is a part if my life's memories. That was a part of my life that it does more harm than good to "keep it in the present" by living in some sort of "NC Zone" where I'm the only actor in a one person play.

 

I need an integrated life. And the memories of my time with her is a large part of my life. It's time to let her go. (Smile)

 

I don't want to alter my life in some artificial way. It is what it is. And I'm tired of avoiding a danger that only exists in my mind.

 

I hope she's happier (most days). And the days I'm hoping she's not...I find myself wanting to hurt her. That's no good. She's gone. I'm good with that. No more artificial barriers against a danger that's only in my head.

[whatnot]

This is so difficult. People are in my home remodeling it. And I'm in my back room crying like a juvenile can't let them see me like this.

 

6 years. LDR. All I did was carry this stupid phone around with me in case she ever called. And i could never reach her if I called her and I want even THAT back? What kind of fool am I? She's talking/with a better fit for her I know that. He's all bright lights and an entertainer and his life is exciting and she loves excitement so it's good she's with him but my hwar tr is broken. I've only seen her 1 time this year and I I've not spoken to her since early May. I'm 57 years old and I can't believe I hurt so badly.

 

I can't help muself. What's wrong with me???

[whatnot]

I don't blame her for leaving me. I"m such an idiot.

 

I wouldn't read this thread either. Not after that first post. I didn't know i had posted that post when I posted the second.

 

When I posted the second earlier today i was really hurting. I'm glad no one's reading this. I'll just use it as my own personal journal. (LOL...and now it'll probably get moved since I called it a journal). lol

 

God i'm such an idiot. I don't even know how to relate to people on an LOL internet forum. I'm a dinosaur. Old. Too old to even know how to use a heartbreak forum. lol It's no wonder no woman would ever wanna be with me.

 

It's not that easy to accept. But...my life is what it is. And i am who i am. Pathetic. And LOL ALONE.

[BC1980]

After reading your posts, I'd suggest you go back to NC until you become indifferent to her. After reading your last two posts, I can see that you are still very emotional when it comes to her, which is understandable at this point in time. If you purposefully keep NC, then, yes, you do have her in mind. But having her in mind is normal at this point. I understand what you are saying, but the alternative seems to be worse. NC doesn't make you suddenly forget about a person. NC minimizes the contact you do have, so that you can grieve and start a new life in peace.

 

You can't grieve and move on if you are still looking at pics of her on social media. Doing things like that might feel okay in the moment but usually sends you into an emotional tailspin later on. I speak from experience. If you are NC long enough, you do become and indifferent, and it's not NC anymore. It happens naturally. At least, that is what I experienced. For me, after about 1.5 years of NC, I wasn't really trying to do NC anymore. It was just living life at that point. Invariably, if you make a decision not to do NC, that usually means you aren't over the person and to a point that you can be in contact. It shouldn't be a big decision to stop NC. It should just happen naturally.

[BC1980]

This is so difficult. People are in my home remodeling it. And I'm in my back room crying like a juvenile can't let them see me like this.

 

6 years. LDR. All I did was carry this stupid phone around with me in case she ever called. And i could never reach her if I called her and I want even THAT back? What kind of fool am I? She's talking/with a better fit for her I know that. He's all bright lights and an entertainer and his life is exciting and she loves excitement so it's good she's with him but my hwar tr is broken. I've only seen her 1 time this year and I I've not spoken to her since early May. I'm 57 years old and I can't believe I hurt so badly.

 

I can't help muself. What's wrong with me???

 

There's nothing wrong with you. It doesn't matter your age; endings hurt us all. Endings force you to reorder your life, and we hate change. Most of us despise change, even though change is about the only thing that is certain in life. You are having a very normal reaction to a breakup. You are on the same roller coaster of emotion that most of us have experienced at some point in our lives.

[whatnot]

BC1980

 

Thank you for taking the time to read my posts and responding. It does help to have someone say there's nothing wrong with me.

 

I agree with your NC comments. In difference should come naturally. I'm a solitary individual. So solitary, it can make it difficult to know where I'm at sometimes. Two years after my divorce I still could not tell if I was over my ex wife so I called her (I had to know how it would make me feel to speak with her. Best thing I could have ever done. By doing so, I learned just how indifferent I had become. What used to attract me to her no longer did. There was nothing that made me miss her. Just the opposite, it proved to me just how much I was glad that part of my life was behind me. She mentioned calling me...i discouraged it. That was in 2008. I haven't spoken with her since. Nor desired to. When I heard she was remarrying....it had no effect..other than to suprise me.

 

I thought I was getting to that point with my ex girlfriend. I'm not to that point with her yet. It surprised me at the effect going to her new man's FB page had on me. (He mentions her). Then...yesterday, one of my laborers mentioned his sister wanted to know if I am single. I have been depressed about my ex girlfriend. And between the two, going to that FB page and the guy mentioning his sister, it all came to the surface again. I had to hide my tears from them. It really suprised me at just how broken my heart still is.

 

I'm not a person who normally reaches out. (You can see that from my first post). It's not a post asking for help. That's one of the reasons no one responds. But, now I have that first post in my thread and few will care to read past it. I understand that. I would not either. And it can't be removed. And another thread cannot be started. So, as in real life, I'm afraid this thread will remain behind the self imposed prison of a self constructed image of a person who appears to need no help. And...it isn't true. I do.

 

So thanks so much for sifting through my mistake to help me. It really does help to have someone tell me when my thinking is off. And that I'm not a "one off".

 

Thanks again.

Edited July 13, 2016 by whatnot

[keiji]

I don't blame her for leaving me. I"m such an idiot.

 

I wouldn't read this thread either. Not after that first post. I didn't know i had posted that post when I posted the second.

 

When I posted the second earlier today i was really hurting. I'm glad no one's reading this. I'll just use it as my own personal journal. (LOL...and now it'll probably get moved since I called it a journal). lol

 

God i'm such an idiot. I don't even know how to relate to people on an LOL internet forum. I'm a dinosaur. Old. Too old to even know how to use a heartbreak forum. lol It's no wonder no woman would ever wanna be with me.

 

It's not that easy to accept. But...my life is what it is. And i am who i am. Pathetic. And LOL ALONE.

 

As a previous poster said, there's nothing wrong with you. There would be something very wrong if you weren't feeling anything. You'd be empty or would have become too cynical to even care about her. So stop repeating yourself that you're too old. You're not. I'm 38, and I hope I'm still capable of crying for a woman when I'm 80.

 

It's too early to reach out. Wait until you feel it's safe, when you know it won't break your heart to speak to her again.

 

The fact that you wish her well speaks volumes about your kindness. You come across as a very good guy, and it's only a matter of time before you meet someone new. Keep working on yourself. It will be OK.

 

Hugs!

[BC1980]

BC1980

 

Thank you for taking the time to read my posts and responding. It does help to have someone say there's nothing wrong with me.

 

I agree with your NC comments. In difference should come naturally. I'm a solitary individual. So solitary, it can make it difficult to know where I'm at sometimes. Two years after my divorce I still could not tell if I was over my ex wife so I called her (I had to know how it would make me feel to speak with her. Best thing I could have ever done. By doing so, I learned just how indifferent I had become. What used to attract me to her no longer did. There was nothing that made me miss her. Just the opposite, it proved to me just how much I was glad that part of my life was behind me. She mentioned calling me...i discouraged it. That was in 2008. I haven't spoken with her since. Nor desired to. When I heard she was remarrying....it had no effect..other than to suprise me.

 

I thought I was getting to that point with my ex girlfriend. I'm not to that point with her yet. It surprised me at the effect going to her new man's FB page had on me. (He mentions her). Then...yesterday, one of my laborers mentioned his sister wanted to know if I am single. I have been depressed about my ex girlfriend. And between the two, going to that FB page and the guy mentioning his sister, it all came to the surface again. I had to hide my tears from them. It really suprised me at just how broken my heart still is.

 

I'm not a person who normally reaches out. (You can see that from my first post). It's not a post asking for help. That's one of the reasons no one responds. But, now I have that first post in my thread and few will care to read past it. I understand that. I would not either. And it can't be removed. And another thread cannot be started. So, as in real life, I'm afraid this thread will remain behind the self imposed prison of a self constructed image of a person who appears to need no help. And...it isn't true. I do.

 

So thanks so much for sifting through my mistake to help me. It really does help to have someone tell me when my thinking is off. And that I'm not a "one off".

 

Thanks again.

 

Sometimes, you have to touch the fire to know if it's gonna burn you. In this case, you realize that you weren't ready to see her on social media again. And that's OK. It's better that you recognize it. I remember forcing myself to go out on a date at one point just to see if I was ready. It felt awkward and weird, but, sometimes, you just don't know until you actually do something.

[Giggles666]

Nothing wrong with you, you have emotions and you need to be free with them.

 

I wish you the best, my heart goes out to you and I hope you do not hurt too much longer. As an earlier poster said, you touched the fire, got burned...it happens. No more if you can control yourself.

 

Sounds like you wear your heart on your sleeve, nothing wrong with that. I also think you sound like a good guy wishing her the best. That's love to me. You're going to hurt for a while. Be good to yourself.

[SevenCity]

I know most here will say you are not ready to date. I say F that.

 

Go see about this other girl your worker mentioned to you. If she is cute, go for it.

 

You never know, she can be the one you have been looking for and only poor timing would have kept you apart.

[whatnot]

Thanks giggles. I do wear them on my sleeve. Most people can just look at me and tell how I'm feeling. I just told the guys the other day I have allergies.

BAD allergies! Lol

 

Seven...I'm with ya man. I do tend to need a good mending though between relationships though. Women know things. I guess I could just be honest.

 

The level of difficulty of this break up has me reeling. I wasn't expecting this. This ranks up there. More difficult than my divorce in '06. I believe this has to do with the fact that I knew when my ex wife left the bridge was burnt. This one. She just seemed more of a friend to me than my ex ever did.

 

Friends. Real friends. ..they don't grow on trees.

 

It makes me sad. But when I cry...it connects these feelings to me and I hope I feel better some day that's all thanks

[SevenCity]

Thanks giggles. I do wear them on my sleeve. Most people can just look at me and tell how I'm feeling. I just told the guys the other day I have allergies.

BAD allergies! Lol

 

Seven...I'm with ya man. I do tend to need a good mending though between relationships though. Women know things. I guess I could just be honest.

 

The level of difficulty of this break up has me reeling. I wasn't expecting this. This ranks up there. More difficult than my divorce in '06. I believe this has to do with the fact that I knew when my ex wife left the bridge was burnt. This one. She just seemed more of a friend to me than my ex ever did.

 

Friends. Real friends. ..they don't grow on trees.

 

It makes me sad. But when I cry...it connects these feelings to me and I hope I feel better some day that's all thanks

 

Nothing wrong with being yourself. Every breakup is different - my ex wife leaving me after 10 years together was a relief. The girl who left me after 11 months had me devastated for 2 years.

 

It all boils down to how much you loved them. In my current situation, I am split from my gf of 7 years who I was planning to ask to marry me. We have been in contact for the past 1.5 months (had sex and a great time) since it happened and next week we are meeting up to discuss the RL (I don't think it will go well).

 

I'm at the end of my rope with my situation. I'm stuck in limbo until we have this talk and ultimately she moves out of my house (which is not what I want but have come the the realization it is very likely).

 

There is no way I can move on if I am still clinging onto hope. You have no hope, and while sad, it will be the best thing for you in the long run.

 

Assuming we do not try to work it out, I am going to cut ties and immediately start seeking other women. Sure it may be wrong, but another woman has always eased the transition for me.

 

I know it sounds stupid, but I read it was helpful to write a list of things you didn't like about your ex. I did that today and was surprised and the lengthy list I was able to create (both personality and physical traits).

 

I suggest you do the same. It helps to knock them off the pedestal we have placed them on. Number one on your list should be "She was a filthy, lying, cheating skank.". I'm sure you can find others

 

So yes, see about this other woman and start the healing.

[frigginlost]

I'm 58 years old. The woman I dated for 6 years lives 3 hrs. Away. I last saw her in March.

 

I went NC after our last communication in during the last of May. She's now dating a country music singer in Nashville, TN. During our last conversation, she told me of him and suggested I see other women. One is powerless when told this. The reason I believe I went NC was 2 fold. One reason was to let her know that if she tried contacting me, I would not respond (as if she cared).

But, I believe the main reason I went NC was so that whenever the phone rang...i wouldn't be hoping it was her (old habits die hard). Neither reason is a valid reason any longer. I no longer expect her to call. I believe that being NC is actually doing me more harm than good at this point. I don't enjoy having anyone on "block" from being able to Co tact me (It's not who I am). The bigger reason...Os that unless I get back to who and what I'm about...i cannot move on. It's always in my mind that I've made it to where she's the only person I've made to where it's impossible for her to contact me. This is serving to keep her in my consciousness. ..In an unhealthy way. I'm still "relating with her" by being NC. So now...if she wants to look at my FB page while in bed on some lonely night...she can. I want her to be happy. I don't want her believing I'm somehow not over her by keep that blocked.

 

I've been dumped by my the last 2 major women in my life. One was my ex wife. The other, her. Once these women have met other men...They're no longer coming back. I no longer have a reason to contact to contact this woman. She's gone. Life moves on and so has she.

 

I've looked at her pictures on the internet lately. They make me smile. They bring back the fond memories we shared. I need this in my life...for the very reason in order TO move on. She was a major part of my life. I cannot continue to treat it as if it's some sort of "lover's spat" that I need to protect myself from. She's with a better fit for her. It makes me feel good...knowing this. NC (for me) is holding me back from moving on. I can't continue in a relationship with her that is only one sided, and is only in my head at that, by being NC.

 

The relationship is was never to be. Or..."It was what it was". But in the end...it is a part of my past that I cannot continue to hold onto in this way .

 

I still am not ready to date. For all I know...i may never be again. But...so be it. It is what it is. And she is a part if my life's memories. That was a part of my life that it does more harm than good to "keep it in the present" by living in some sort of "NC Zone" where I'm the only actor in a one person play.

 

I need an integrated life. And the memories of my time with her is a large part of my life. It's time to let her go. (Smile)

 

I don't want to alter my life in some artificial way. It is what it is. And I'm tired of avoiding a danger that only exists in my mind.

 

I hope she's happier (most days). And the days I'm hoping she's not...I find myself wanting to hurt her. That's no good. She's gone. I'm good with that. No more artificial barriers against a danger that's only in my head.

 

Reading the above absolutely gutted me...

 

I am a 50 year old that has the *exact* personality traits you describe above. It's like looking in a mirror.

 

I two have loved very deeply two women, one being my ex wife, and the other being the woman I fell in love with after her. It's been 6 months since the girlfriend walked and yes, she is with a new guy. The pain felt when that was presented to me last month absolutely crushed me. Even worse than my divorce of nearly 20 years. The damage done to the self esteem and ego is earth shaking.

 

I, like yourself don't really "believe" in the NC thing (unless there was emotional abuse, etc) and maybe that has to do with being a little gray in the temples. I do occasionally pop over to her social media, and it's hard to explain, but it is somewhat cathartic to do. It moves me emotionally forward although at a slower pace than the NC folks. I know folks who are absolute die-hard NC folks and when they run into an ex on chance, it's like they see the walking dead and the amount of emotions that hit them are brutal. But then again, some that use NC have the emotional power to hit indifference extremely quickly. Each individual is different.

 

For myself, my slow way of doing things allow me to truly, truly, grieve the relationship and allow myself to not carry an ounce of baggage to the next one (if there ever is another one).

 

What you are feeling is completely, completely, normal.

 

Best to you, sir