Struggling with GF's weight gain

[Imajerk17]

I don't know here. This is how I (as a guy) read this thread: "For whatever reason, I am not as attracted to my girlfriend as I want to be anymore, and the only reason I can think of is she put on weight".

 

Everyone is really coming down hard on the OP, but at the end of the day, don't people of BOTH genders lose attraction for their partner and try to rationalize it--and sound really shallow doing so. Even when the partner is a terrific person and the compatibility is still there.

 

On that note: Are you positive OP that it is really the weight gain and not something else? I know for a fact that when I am truly into someone 10 or 20 pounds wouldn't change that *at all*. Especially because 5'8" 160 pounds running a few times a week is actually quite a healthy weight. (Don't believe those BMI charts--they way oversimplify things. If your girlfriend is athletic then she is fine.) You just might not be ready to settle down or you're just not sure she's the one for you (nevermind her weight gain or how wonderful she is not withstanding), and that's fine.

Edited July 5, 2016 by Imajerk17

[TheFinalWord]

Except that hair loss is not controllable, whereas weight is. Unless she has an underlying medical condition (which is not all that common but typically treatable, if present), the main reason for weight gain is calories in > calories out. And yes, a woman who is pushing the upper range of "normal" weight in her 20's is likely to be quite overweight in her 30's and beyond.

 

Not really sure why the OP is being flamed for noticing and not being super happy about his gf's weight gain. Maybe they *do* need to split up, but there is nothing wrong with wanting a partner who values his/her health and appearance.

 

I'm not going to get into that dispute, except to say obesity is a complex issue and the logic of calories in/calories out breaks down once you scratch beyond the surface.

 

My point was people tend to know their own flaws and others pointing it out to them, especially unsolicited, often does more harm than good. BTW she can gain weight and still care about her health/appearance. Because she's gained 10lbs. she doesn't value her health or appearance?

 

I do agree, that he's lost sexual attraction, which is important. I don't think we're getting the entire story. She already knows she gained, she's okay with it, OP is not. That doesn't sound like a perfectly compatible personality to me.

 

I know if I was in love with a woman and she had a personality that was perfectly compatible with mine, I would not lose sexual attraction over 10 lbs.

[Lorenza]

I think the problem is that OP doesn't feel like a winner anymore. He thought he scored a hot chick, but the most important people in his life criticized her and his self-worth is at risk now.

If his mother is shallow enough to advice him not to settle for a girl, who otherwise is perfect for her son, no wonder OP is confused by that. We inherit our parents values.

 

I think this is irrepairable, to be honest. My speculation is that OP (who mentioned how educated and fit he is) needs a girl to keep up to a certain level and that is directly connected to his own self-worth.

 

I'm sorry OP if this is harsh and unpleasant to read, I don't mean to attack you. Just playing a psychologist here, hehe.

[katiegrl]

To be fair, I constantly try to make my girlfriend feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. I always compliment her and tell her how good I think she looks. My only concern is that now she's gaining weight and I'm still complimenting her she feels no need to get in better shape since she thinks I think she's already in great shape.

 

Also I think there's been a false narrative that's been perpetuated throughout this thread. I never once said that I want to or was planning on breaking up with her because of the weight gain. Far from it. I said the thought crossed my mind but that's more of a reflection of my disappointment in her weight gain than actually wanting to leave her.

 

Someone mentioned it before that perhaps someone else is influencing my perception of my girlfriend.

 

I did think I had a trophy girl until my mother and sister both commented on her weight gain and told me I shouldn't be settling at my age. My family's approval is very important to me so that definitely affected me.

 

Well apparently your own mother believes you deserve a trophy gf too. Ugh.

 

You are a product of your environment. Your mom has this attitude toward weight and SHE raised you.

 

Naturally her attitude is going to affect you and rub off on you (which I think it has to a certain degree -- hence this thread).

 

Parents can do a lot of damage. I talked about this earlier, but MY mom was very much like YOUR mom.

 

God forbid I gained five pounds, I would never hear the end of it!

 

Not surprisingly I became very conscious of my weight and even developed a minor eating disorder, got down to 102 pounds.

 

My mom thought I looked fabulous!

 

I look at photos of myself back then (late teens, early 20s) and I look like one of those starving kids from a third-world country.

 

Well maybe not that bad, but I was super thin!! Too thin... and I wasn't healthy either, felt like utter crap physically most of the time....so there ya go.

Edited July 5, 2016 by katiegrl

[nyfan1992]

I think the problem is that OP doesn't feel like a winner anymore. He thought he scored a hot chick, but the most important people in his life criticized her and his self-worth is at risk now.

If his mother is shallow enough to advice him not to settle for a girl, who otherwise is perfect for her son, no wonder OP is confused by that. We inherit our parents values.

 

I think this is irrepairable, to be honest. My speculation is that OP (who mentioned how educated and fit he is) needs a girl to keep up to a certain level and that is directly connected to his own self-worth.

 

I'm sorry OP if this is harsh and unpleasant to read, I don't mean to attack you. Just playing a psychologist here, hehe.

 

Thank you for this post. I think you hit the nail on the head. Approval from my family on girls I've dated has never been something I've gotten before. When I first dated my current girlfriend, I was convinced my family would love her. I thought this one would finally break the spell but she ended up getting lumped in all the other girlfriends who my family wasn't thrilled with.

 

It's not that they don't like her. They do think she's very nice and motivated and cares for me. But they think I can do better. They focus on the weight gain and think she can do a better job getting to know the family (she's been away at school for most of our relationship so she never really had a chance to). As soon as they told me about the weight gain, I definitely noticed myself looking at her differently. It's a tough situation because family is supposed to know best but I've always had a special feeling about my girlfriend that she is the one. In any event, this has been a good opportunity for self-examination. Thank you again.

[nyfan1992]

Well apparently your own mother believes you deserve a trophy gf too. Ugh.

 

You are a product of your environment. Your mom has this attitude toward weight and SHE raised you.

 

Naturally her attitude is going to affect you and rub off on you (which I think it has to a certain degree -- hence this thread).

 

Parents can do a lot of damage. I talked about this earlier, but MY mom was very much like YOUR mom.

 

God forbid I gained five pounds, I would never hear the end of it!

 

Not surprisingly I became very conscious of my weight and even developed a minor eating disorder, got down to 102 pounds.

 

My mom thought I looked fabulous!

 

I look at photos of myself back then (late teens, early 20s) and I look like one of those starving kids from a third-world country.

 

Well maybe not that bad, but I was super thin!! Too thin... and I wasn't healthy either, felt like utter crap physically most of the time....so there ya go.

 

My mom is a nutrionist so her entire life is dedicated to healthy eating and exercise. Probably the reason why she is so critical of weight gain. Also my sister is incredibly critical of me so there's that. I don't mean to make out my family to be terrible people. They're not. They're extremely loving to me and want the best for me which is a big reason why I feel immense pressure for them to approve of my girlfriend. To be honest, I felt like a failure when they criticized her.

[No_Go]

Well one thing is not to notice another is not to say it. For 30 pounds she would need new clothes.

 

You're not in love with her.

 

My friend gained way more weight than your gf did. She gained nearly 30 lbs.

 

Yet her now fiance dodn't even notice. He was so enamoured and crazy about my friend that the added 30 lbs were nothing to him.

 

When a man is head over heels in love at a certain level---- weight gain doesn't take aeay from his attraction. 10/10 chemistry and connection doesn't dissipate due to weight gain.

[katiegrl]

My mom is a nutrionist so her entire life is dedicated to healthy eating and exercise. Probably the reason why she is so critical of weight gain.

 

I wonder what your mom would have thought of me, being so thin and all at 102 pounds (I am 5'6").

 

As I said, my mom thought I looked great! Model thin (like her until the day she died)...

 

I was extremely unhealthy at that weight though...so again wondering what your mom would have thought, being that she is so into health and exercise.

 

Oh I DID exercise, excessively, I bet she would have loved that!

 

Not getting down on her... my mom was the same.

 

Not because she was a nutritionist though... she was a former model so her obsession with being thin herself (and subsequently me) was due to the pressures on models to be stick thin (even though extremely unhealthy).

[xxoo]

It's a tough situation because family is supposed to know best but I've always had a special feeling about my girlfriend that she is the one. In any event, this has been a good opportunity for self-examination. Thank you again.

 

Family knows best? Silly and untrue.

 

It's one thing if your family is bringing concerns about character. It's totally another thing if they are just being shallow or petty.

[Lorenza]

Thank you for this post. I think you hit the nail on the head. Approval from my family on girls I've dated has never been something I've gotten before. When I first dated my current girlfriend, I was convinced my family would love her. I thought this one would finally break the spell but she ended up getting lumped in all the other girlfriends who my family wasn't thrilled with.

 

It's not that they don't like her. They do think she's very nice and motivated and cares for me. But they think I can do better. They focus on the weight gain and think she can do a better job getting to know the family (she's been away at school for most of our relationship so she never really had a chance to). As soon as they told me about the weight gain, I definitely noticed myself looking at her differently. It's a tough situation because family is supposed to know best but I've always had a special feeling about my girlfriend that she is the one. In any event, this has been a good opportunity for self-examination. Thank you again.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you struggle to get your family's approval. I don't think it's right of them to say things that might influence your choice of partner. But try to distanciate yourself and put a wall between what they think and what you feel. Only the latter matters. Might be that you will never get them to fully accept any of your girlfriends - moms tend to idealize their sons so their judgment can be a bit delluded.

 

Do you really love that girl? Is she good enough? If so, get them to know her better. If they make comments about her weight, let them know how it kills your enthuisiam.

[thefooloftheyear]

I think the family is unfairly being criticized....

 

They are probably concerned...Not necessarily because of how things are right now, but the direction they are going in...She is only 23....She could easily hit 200+ in no time...No one knows...

 

It wears me out sometimes hearing all the talk(mostly from women) about how others have to accept people changing or getting heavy because if you dare say anything, then you are considered cruel, insensitive and shallow....

 

Relationships almost exclusively begin by some physical attraction...If another person wouldn't consider the "heavier version" of that person if they first met at that weight, well....what does that say??

 

I think we all(men and women) should take reasonable care of ourselves....not only for our own health and well being, but to be considerate of a mate that may not embrace it...

 

Sickness, age, injury, childbirth, whatever...all are factors that affect our appearance and that we have limited control...the stuff we can control, well...there should be some effort...its not too much to expect, imo...

 

TFY

[Lorenza]

 

They are probably concerned...Not necessarily because of how things are right now, but the direction they are going in...She is only 23....She could easily hit 200+ in no time...No one knows...

 

It wears me out sometimes hearing all the talk(mostly from women) about how others have to accept people changing or getting heavy because if you dare say anything, then you are considered cruel, insensitive and shallow....

 

Oh come on! Putting on some weight doesn't mean it's spiraling out of control and that the person is gonna get obese in no time. Weight fluctuates year to year. Gaining weight at young age doesn't mean you're fuoucked and gonna continue getting heavier.

 

You talk as if encouraging people to be more accepting of each others shortcomings is a bad thing, lol. There are ways to encourage people to change without being upfront and making them feel bad about themselves. If you made someone insecure and self-conscious, then yes, you're insensitive. It's not rocket science.

[thefooloftheyear]

Oh come on! Putting on some weight doesn't mean it's spiraling out of control and that the person is gonna get obese in no time. Weight fluctuates year to year. Gaining weight at young age doesn't mean you're fuoucked and gonna continue getting heavier.

You don't know that, so its pure speculation on your part...FTR, my weight doesn't fluctuate year to year....If I ate too much junk, and sat around doing little to nothing...id expect to get fat...But it doesn't "fluctuate" for no apparent reason......and I am over 50 years old..

 

You talk as if encouraging people to be more accepting of each others shortcomings is a bad thing, lol. There are ways to encourage people to change without being upfront and making them feel bad about themselves. If you made someone insecure and self-conscious, then yes, you're insensitive. It's not rocket science.

 

He said he did encourage her....she basically blew him off..

 

He wouldn't have started the thread if it didn't bug him....and(according to him), she looked very different when she met him than now.....She isn't 42, with 3 kids in tow, and working 2 jobs to pay a mortgage.....she's 23....virtually a baby...

 

TFY

Edited July 6, 2016 by thefooloftheyear

[katiegrl]

Originally Posted by Lorenza

Oh come on! Putting on some weight doesn't mean it's spiraling out of control and that the person is gonna get obese in no time. Weight fluctuates year to year. Gaining weight at young age doesn't mean you're fuoucked and gonna continue getting heavier.

 

 

You don't know that, so its pure speculation on your part...FTR, my weight doesn't fluctuate year to year....If I ate too much junk, and sat around doing little to nothing...id expect to get fat...But it doesn't "fluctuate" for no apparent reason......and I am over 50 years old..

 

 

Aren't you speculating too though, when you say she could easily hit 200 pounds in no time?

 

Answer? Yes you are.

 

You don't even know this woman... how can you possibly make this type of assertion?

 

She could just as easily lose the extra weight in no time too.

 

It's all speculation, from you, from me, from the OP, from the OP'S mom.... from everyone.

Edited July 6, 2016 by katiegrl

[Lorenza]

He said he did encourage her....she basically blew him off..

 

He wouldn't have started the thread if it didn't bug him....and(according to him), she looked very different when she met him than now.....She isn't 42, with 3 kids in tow, and working 2 jobs to pay a mortgage.....she's 23....virtually a baby...

 

TFY

 

Weight fluctuates even daily.

 

For someone who lived that long, you're pretty judgmental about how other bodies work and what reasons and ages are legitimate enough to gain weight.

 

OP, is your gf on birth control?

I'm 27, 125 lbs 5'8. I was around 145 lbs at age 21-23, as I suddenly gained weight seemingly out of nowhere. Switched birth control and lost it in a couple of months. Many girls I know gained a lot of weight due to wrong pill.

[BlueIris]

My mom is a nutrionist so her entire life is dedicated to healthy eating and exercise. Probably the reason why she is so critical of weight gain. Also my sister is incredibly critical of me so there's that. I don't mean to make out my family to be terrible people. They're not. They're extremely loving to me and want the best for me which is a big reason why I feel immense pressure for them to approve of my girlfriend. To be honest, I felt like a failure when they criticized her.

 

Where's your dad in all of this? Is he also concerned about your GF's weight? Is he as critical? Are you concerned about his approval?

[tinkerbell16]

My mom is a nutrionist so her entire life is dedicated to healthy eating and exercise. Probably the reason why she is so critical of weight gain. Also my sister is incredibly critical of me so there's that. I don't mean to make out my family to be terrible people. They're not. They're extremely loving to me and want the best for me which is a big reason why I feel immense pressure for them to approve of my girlfriend. To be honest, I felt like a failure when they criticized her.

 

Feeling "like a failure" indicates you have some dynamic with your sister and mother that is manipulative (on their part). You have pointed out MANY great qualities your girlfriend possesses. A good and healthy response to your family would be to thank them for their concern and remind them you love her for many other reasons (feel free to list them for them) besides her weight. It sounds like you were raised in a narcissistic environment.

 

It could be why you are struggling with this...

[thefooloftheyear]

Originally Posted by Lorenza

Oh come on! Putting on some weight doesn't mean it's spiraling out of control and that the person is gonna get obese in no time. Weight fluctuates year to year. Gaining weight at young age doesn't mean you're fuoucked and gonna continue getting heavier.

 

 

 

Aren't you speculating too though, when you say she could easily hit 200 pounds in no time?

 

Answer? Yes you are.

 

You don't even know this woman... how can you possibly make this type of assertion?

 

She could just as easily lose the extra weight in no time too.

 

It's all speculation, from you, from me, from the OP, from the OP'S mom.... from everyone.

 

Direct quote, Katie.....go back and read the post....

 

"They are probably concerned...Not necessarily because of how things are right now, but the direction they are going in...She is only 23....She could easily hit 200+ in no time...No one knows..."

 

 

See bolded...."No one knows"....So while you, me, and everyone else is included in the "no one" then your argument/criticism is really invalid..

 

But its a reasonable speculation that someone who packs on weight at an early age may continue to do so, no???

 

or is it more reasonable to assume that she is just having a one time thing and will look perfect in no time...and forever...what do you think..?

 

TFY

[tinkerbell16]

My mom is a nutrionist so her entire life is dedicated to healthy eating and exercise. Probably the reason why she is so critical of weight gain. Also my sister is incredibly critical of me so there's that. I don't mean to make out my family to be terrible people. They're not. They're extremely loving to me and want the best for me which is a big reason why I feel immense pressure for them to approve of my girlfriend. To be honest, I felt like a failure when they criticized her.

 

It is worth pointing out that if you are the only son and if this is your first serious relationship your mom and sister will likely be critical because they don't want to "lose" you to her.

You could have the "perfect" girlfriend size 0 and they could come up with something else say... like she isnt funny enough... anything.

It's not healthy but it is common.

[xxoo]

But its a reasonable speculation that someone who packs on weight at an early age may continue to do so, no???

 

or is it more reasonable to assume that she is just having a one time thing and will look perfect in no time...and forever...what do you think..?

 

TFY

 

No, it isn't a reasonable assumption. It's pretty normal for women to lose that teenage skinniness in 20s, and it doesn't mean they continue to obesity.

 

And who is to say that she doesn't look "perfect" now? The OP thought his girlfriend was a trophy until the women in his family criticized her....

[thefooloftheyear]

No, it isn't a reasonable assumption. It's pretty normal for women to lose that teenage skinniness in 20s, and it doesn't mean they continue to obesity.

 

And who is to say that she doesn't look "perfect" now? The OP thought his girlfriend was a trophy until the women in his family criticized her....

 

Really???

 

Then why did he say this in his initial post?? (direct quote)

 

 

"I don't know what to do. I absolutely love my girlfriend's personality. That aspect of her is perfect for me. But I'm finding myself getting less and less attracted to her lately. The thought of breaking up with her because of it has crossed my mind a few times. I hate to sound so shallow especially when everything else about her is so great but I can't deny how I am feeling"

 

Sure doesn't sound like he's describing the "perfect trophy woman" ,....no?

 

TFY

[xxoo]

Really???

 

Then why did he say this in his initial post?? (direct quote)

 

 

"I don't know what to do. I absolutely love my girlfriend's personality. That aspect of her is perfect for me. But I'm finding myself getting less and less attracted to her lately. The thought of breaking up with her because of it has crossed my mind a few times. I hate to sound so shallow especially when everything else about her is so great but I can't deny how I am feeling"

 

Sure doesn't sound like he's describing the "perfect trophy woman" ,....no?

 

TFY

 

He explained that he's been influenced by his family's comments:

 

 

Also I think there's been a false narrative that's been perpetuated throughout this thread. I never once said that I want to or was planning on breaking up with her because of the weight gain. Far from it. I said the thought crossed my mind but that's more of a reflection of my disappointment in her weight gain than actually wanting to leave her.

 

Someone mentioned it before that perhaps someone else is influencing my perception of my girlfriend. I did think I had a trophy girl until my mother and sister both commented on her weight gain and told me I shouldn't be settling at my age. My family's approval is very important to me so that definitely affected me.

[losangelena]

But its a reasonable speculation that someone who packs on weight at an early age may continue to do so, no???

 

or is it more reasonable to assume that she is just having a one time thing and will look perfect in no time...and forever...what do you think..?

 

Well, when I was 23, I weighed well over 300 lbs. I'm now 35 and weigh less than half of that. Also, my mother is in her 70s and has recently lost 60 pounds. So, I personally don't think anything should be assumed, weight-wise, about anyone.

 

And, while he may not have called her a "trophy" GF in his initial post, he does say that in post #94.

 

I did think I had a trophy girl until my mother and sister both commented on her weight gain and told me I shouldn't be settling at my age.

[Lorenza]

Really???

 

Then why did he say this in his initial post?? (direct quote)

 

 

"I don't know what to do. I absolutely love my girlfriend's personality. That aspect of her is perfect for me. But I'm finding myself getting less and less attracted to her lately. The thought of breaking up with her because of it has crossed my mind a few times. I hate to sound so shallow especially when everything else about her is so great but I can't deny how I am feeling"

 

Sure doesn't sound like he's describing the "perfect trophy woman" ,....no?

 

TFY

 

Did you even read the thread? OP disclosed that he feels negatively influenced by his family's criticism for her, that it made him feel a certain way.

[katiegrl]

Direct quote, Katie.....go back and read the post....

 

"They are probably concerned...Not necessarily because of how things are right now, but the direction they are going in...She is only 23....She could easily hit 200+ in no time...No one knows..."

 

 

See bolded...."No one knows"....So while you, me, and everyone else is included in the "no one" then your argument/criticism is really invalid..

 

But its a reasonable speculation that someone who packs on weight at an early age may continue to do so, no???

 

or is it more reasonable to assume that she is just having a one time thing and will look perfect in no time...and forever...what do you think..?

 

TFY

 

I think both scenarios are speculation.

 

Everyone is different... many young women go through periods where they will gain weight... for whatever reason... then they lose.

 

In my experience, most people who are obese develop poor eating habits at a very young age... which continue through life.... causing them to eventually become obese and remaining that way.

 

But when a woman is thin most of her life (like the OP's gf), then suddently gains 20 or even 30, IMO it is more reasonable to speculate that she will lose that extra weight eventually.

 

Ever heard of the "freshman 15"?

 

Doesn't apply to the OP's gf, but many young women gain 15-20 sometimes more during their freshman year at college. Leaving home, meeting new friends, pressure to do well at school, etc.

 

Then they lose it.

 

It's actually very common!

Edited July 6, 2016 by katiegrl