Struggling with GF's weight gain

July 5, 2016

OP needs to jump ship. Her current weight gain is only the beginning. If she's not planning on don't something about it now then it's a sign that things are going to get worse. This could lead to problems when they want to start having children as well as after having them as kids of fat parents often grow up to be fat themselves.

Somebody already hit the nail on the head. Weight gain is a symptom of bigger things such as lack of self control, laziness etc etc. Don't give me that 'fat doesn't mean lazy, what about "medical condishuns"' bull. Calories in, calories out. It's as simple as that.

But the girl is not fat! Women's bodies change. It's easy to be super skinny when you're young. At some point that changes, our bodies function differently. And a normal, average weight like OPs gf is is a good target for when this happens- gaining a bit of weight doesn't mean someone is going to spiral into obesity. That's a pretty big leap. Also a huge leap to say being an average weight is a consequence of laziness.

July 5, 2016

Hearing that your weight gain only depends on how lazy you are, must feel similar to when I used to hear from clear skinned people that my acne was a result of not washing my face. It's sick how people feel entitled to their opinions about someone elses conditions...

July 5, 2016

This girl is really not fat. She is a very healthy weight. Women's bodies change over time... Age takes no prisoners. But, based on what has been described, this woman is a very normal, healthy weight. Let's remember that and try not to judge women based on the rather unrealistic and generally unattainable standard that permeates the media and culture these days.

Obviously, your partner needs to be attractive to you if you have a sexual relationship. However, with age comes wisdom... What is most important and what is most attractive changes such that most people begin to look more to the inside rather than focusing mostly on appearance.

I hope you can find a way to love your girl for the beautiful woman that she is and the love that she offers to you... rather than focusing on her perceived shortcomings.

Edited July 5, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted response to deleted post ~6

July 5, 2016

Many more die from obesity related illnesses but nobody bats an eyelid at that because feels over reals.

Check those statistics again.... it's 50/50.

Both are big problems and both need addressing.

In different ways because the reasons for each are quite different.

But both are very serious.

July 5, 2016

Girls are naturally attractive when they are young with little to no effort. It's a bad lesson to learn. Then they feel entitled, but 30's roll around and they can't justify their picky attitude anymore.

Where did this come from? Entitled and picky attitude? Because she weighs 160 pounds you've come to these conclusions? Whoa man.

Do yourself a favor, check out POF or OKC and compare how many women 30-40 have managed to keep a decent figure. The best, fit girls when they are young usually end up average by 30's. Totally fine and attractive still IMO. But, an overweight 23 y/o is going to be very overweight at 33.

I disagree that checking out other girls on POF or OKC to find what the "best" ones look like is going to help you resolve your problem with your girlfriend's weight. That's not the approach of any mature man who is actually functioning in a longterm relationship.

160 pounds at 5'8" is NOT overweight. My SO is almost exactly that and she is extremely fit and almost thin - she has a great body, actually. She has been "skinny" during our relationship and I think her body looks more attractive at this weight. Also she did gain about 15 pounds when in her early 30's after having a child and it has remained. No, she has not ballooned and I don't think she will.

As others have said, physical attraction is hugely important in a relationship and if this change in her has put you off of her you will be doing both of you a big favor by moving on, painful as it may be. If I were you though I would take a look at my attitude, everybody is going to be changing and if we are in a long term relationship we kind of have to be in a state of mind where we will embrace the changes of our SO. We also should be able to expect the same from them. Your attitude is going to cause you a lot of problems as your life moves on, I'm afraid.

July 5, 2016

OP just wanted to share with you something. EVERY single time I've been in a new relationship I've gained weight. Every time. Not tons (I'm naturally on the slender side) but good 10-15 pounds. I don't know how this happens but I assume it is partially being 'comfortable' (eating more - esp. all my guys were good cooks and cooking for me pretty much every night), partially having less me-time (less time to exercise, walk etc), and I do believe there is a hormonal component as well (I'd scroll pubmed to see is there anything but for me regular sex always results in transient weight gain). She'll probably lose the weight sooner than later.

Having said that - if she gained more than say 20 pounds - it can be a medical issue (thyroid etc). At her age gaining and losing weight is instant (I was losing 10+ pounds in a week just from stress in college). If she is trying to lose it and can't - it is time to check with her primary care provider. She is not obese, but 5'8 160 lbs is pretty much the upper limit of normal. If she gains just 5 more pounds - she will be classified as overweight. Now she's technically normal, just on the upper limit of normal.

July 5, 2016

I'm actually stunned at the backlash I'm getting right now. Nowhere in my posts have I ever called her "fat". She is not fat at all. But she used to be thin for her ENTIRE life and within the past year she has gotten plumper. She was actually 10 pounds lighter last year and looked thin and fit. Yes she may have only gained 10 pounds since then and she is technically normal weight (although at the very end of that scale) but I can't deny the excess fat on her arms and stomach now. It's gotten to the point where she doesn't want me touching her stomach much anymore because she's self-conscious about it. So with her reactions and the literal extra fat on her body that does not look healthy I'm supposed to ignore it and accept it as "normal"?

Someone said it well before, regardless of what her weight falls on the scale between normal and overweight, it would be one thing if she was always this weight and body type but it's a whole different issue when there is that much of a change (weight and appearance) in just a year.

And for the record, I still do find my girlfriend attractive. In addition to her beautiful personality she was an incredibly pretty face (which is not as important as her personality obviously). My concern is first and foremost that she is healthy and secondly and I guess for a selfish reason is if this will be the trend going forward. Im sorry for being a human and being attracted to certain qualities in women. I obviously value personality and morals above all else but why is it so bad to also value the physical appearance of my partner?

July 5, 2016

Have you tried running with her? Cooking and eating with her?

Found out if it's just stress or depression? Work with her?

You're a good guy and shouldn't feel guilty because strangers want to bicker over semantics instead of help you.

July 5, 2016

I'm a little puzzled. She was 150 pounds (normal BUT still upper end of the scale) - you considered it thin and fit. She became 160 pounds (again normal, but in the upper edge) - you think she's plump. That's 7% change in body weight - not even a clothing size, and likely hard to detect with naked eeye.

My guess is:

1) she gained MUCH more than 10 pounds (20+) and is not telling you

or

2) you're nitpicking her body

10 pounds on a big frame (150 pounds 5'8) should not show at all. E.g. pre-period weight gain, constipation etc can be easily 5 pounds.

I'm actually stunned at the backlash I'm getting right now. Nowhere in my posts have I ever called her "fat". She is not fat at all. But she used to be thin for her ENTIRE life and within the past year she has gotten plumper. She was actually 10 pounds lighter last year and looked thin and fit. Yes she may have only gained 10 pounds since then and she is technically normal weight (although at the very end of that scale) but I can't deny the excess fat on her arms and stomach now. It's gotten to the point where she doesn't want me touching her stomach much anymore because she's self-conscious about it. So with her reactions and the literal extra fat on her body that does not look healthy I'm supposed to ignore it and accept it as "normal"?

Someone said it well before, regardless of what her weight falls on the scale between normal and overweight, it would be one thing if she was always this weight and body type but it's a whole different issue when there is that much of a change (weight and appearance) in just a year.

And for the record, I still do find my girlfriend attractive. In addition to her beautiful personality she was an incredibly pretty face (which is not as important as her personality obviously). My concern is first and foremost that she is healthy and secondly and I guess for a selfish reason is if this will be the trend going forward. Im sorry for being a human and being attracted to certain qualities in women. I obviously value personality and morals above all else but why is it so bad to also value the physical appearance of my partner?

July 5, 2016

I'm actually stunned at the backlash I'm getting right now. Nowhere in my posts have I ever called her "fat". She is not fat at all. But she used to be thin for her ENTIRE life and within the past year she has gotten plumper. She was actually 10 pounds lighter last year and looked thin and fit. Yes she may have only gained 10 pounds since then and she is technically normal weight (although at the very end of that scale) but I can't deny the excess fat on her arms and stomach now. It's gotten to the point where she doesn't want me touching her stomach much anymore because she's self-conscious about it. So with her reactions and the literal extra fat on her body that does not look healthy I'm supposed to ignore it and accept it as "normal"?

Someone said it well before, regardless of what her weight falls on the scale between normal and overweight, it would be one thing if she was always this weight and body type but it's a whole different issue when there is that much of a change (weight and appearance) in just a year.

And for the record, I still do find my girlfriend attractive. In addition to her beautiful personality she was an incredibly pretty face (which is not as important as her personality obviously). My concern is first and foremost that she is healthy and secondly and I guess for a selfish reason is if this will be the trend going forward. Im sorry for being a human and being attracted to certain qualities in women. I obviously value personality and morals above all else but why is it so bad to also value the physical appearance of my partner?

Hmm, well this is not really the tone you took in your OP. There, you considered her overweight enough to consider breaking up with her already now.

But I digress. As I and others have already said, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be attracted to your partner—nothing. So if you are still attracted to her now, I don't see what the problem is. Carry on as you have. If you're concerned she'll gain more weight, then take a "wait and see" approach to things. Revisit in another six months.

Are you and your GF comfortable talking about deep and/or personal things? Would she be comfortable telling you what's been going on for her mentally/emotionally that may be driving her weight gain? Are you able to think beyond your own concerns about your attraction to look on her situation with compassion? I ask, because with weight gain comes a sense of shame, usually (your GF covering up her stomach is a good sign of this). And it's much easier to leave it to keep going as long as it's unaddressed. But if she has a space to talk about the weight gain, without the notion of "omg, you're gonna get fat," without pressure to lose, it may help her get over the mental blocks.

Sure, the physical component of weight lose is relatively simple—calories in vs calories out. But the mental and emotional components are often far more complicated. It may take your GF some time to sort those things out. Are you willing to wait? Are you willing to have a GF who is not necessarily a "trophy?" I think these are all questions to ask yourself moving forward.

July 5, 2016

I think women snap because we all know what a pressure it can be to remain visually pleasing. I will never forget how hurtful it felt when my old ex used to nitpick on my body. I've always been thin, but he'd critisize the lack of muscle, flabby parts, say things like: "You would look so much better if your body was toned". He bought me a gym card and was acting so disappointed when I only went 4 times out of 10 (mind you, the card was a surprise). I didn't feel like commiting to sports and fitness at that time, due to too much stress and fatigue. I felt like I don't owe him a toned body, but at the same time felt ashamed. He'd repeat many times how he's attracted to toned bodies, but I didn't give in.

No need to fix whats not broken, especially for someone else's pleasure.

July 5, 2016

I think women snap because we all know what a pressure it can be to remain visually pleasing. I will never forget how hurtful it felt when my old ex used to nitpick on my body. I've always been thin, but he'd critisize the lack of muscle, flabby parts, say things like: "You would look so much better if your body was toned". He bought me a gym card and was acting so disappointed when I only went 4 times out of 10 (mind you, the card was a surprise). I didn't feel like commiting to sports and fitness at that time, due to too much stress and fatigue. I felt like I don't owe him a toned body, but at the same time felt ashamed. He'd repeat many times how he's attracted to toned bodies, but I didn't give in.
No need to fix whats not broken, especially for someone else's pleasure.

I agree with this. I think one should want to feel safe and comfortable in a relationship, not scrutinized. How awful for a woman to hear from her man, "you're so incredible in every imaginable way, but your weight gain makes me want to break up with you." How devastating a thing to hear. Makes it seem like at the end of the day, the only thing that does truly matter is the physical. Very demoralizing. Like, why bother cultivating anything beyond a hot body? If at the end of the day, that's what's scrutinized most?

Fwiw, that's not directed at OP, I'm just speaking generally.

July 5, 2016

... My concern is first and foremost that she is healthy and secondly and I guess for a selfish reason is if this will be the trend going forward. Im sorry for being a human and being attracted to certain qualities in women. I obviously value personality and morals above all else but why is it so bad to also value the physical appearance of my partner?

That's not obvious at all. Your health argument is weak, popular as it may be these days, since you have gone into some detail about her looks. You're clearly concerned about the aesthetics and despite saying you're in love with her, you're considering breaking up with her for aesthetic reasons.

I agree with this. I think one should want to feel safe and comfortable in a relationship, not scrutinized. How awful for a woman to hear from her man, "you're so incredible in every imaginable way, but your weight gain makes me want to break up with you." How devastating a thing to hear. Makes it seem like at the end of the day, the only thing that does truly matter is the physical. Very demoralizing. Like, why bother cultivating anything beyond a hot body? If at the end of the day, that's what's scrutinized most?

Fwiw, that's not directed at OP, I'm just speaking generally.

Agreed. And also, only generally, I often wish guys would read a book sometimes but I don't scrutinize and pick about it. I really hope that women don't become demoralized by the body-obsession of the internet-porn era.

Edited July 5, 2016 by BlueIris

July 5, 2016

I think women snap because we all know what a pressure it can be to remain visually pleasing. I will never forget how hurtful it felt when my old ex used to nitpick on my body. I've always been thin, but he'd critisize the lack of muscle, flabby parts, say things like: "You would look so much better if your body was toned". He bought me a gym card and was acting so disappointed when I only went 4 times out of 10 (mind you, the card was a surprise). I didn't feel like commiting to sports and fitness at that time, due to too much stress and fatigue. I felt like I don't owe him a toned body, but at the same time felt ashamed. He'd repeat many times how he's attracted to toned bodies, but I didn't give in.
No need to fix whats not broken, especially for someone else's pleasure.

Oh, my god, that would have really bothered me, too.

I tend to take better care of myself, when I'm feeling loved, not the opposite. The, "I'd be more attracted to you, if you changed this or that about yourself" would be demoralizing to anyone, I think.

July 5, 2016

I do agree that you seem to be getting a hard time here op.

I get you and I'm a woman.

I like the colour red. I can't necessarily explain to you why but I just do. I therefore chose red before any other colour (sweets for example) just because it's my preference. Are there exceptions to this? Sure there is. I can still enjoy an orange or green sweet if it takes my fancy.

The same applies to your attraction to women. And that is perfectly ok. You like what you like and that requires no explanation. The question to ask yourself is, can you still be fulfilled with this lady, despite her being very nearly your preference? ( hope I'm making sense)

I think in your op you said you was only 23 so long term might not be something your considering yet. What I can tell you from my experience is that your ideal will never exist. Even if she is physically your ideal there will be some compromise in some way.

So, in the meantime, can you cope with the delicious orange sweet? The one that isn't red but tasty and delicious all the same? I would if it was me. She's sounds like a diamond.

Best of luck op,

July 5, 2016

OP - re-read your first post and I think you'll understand why you're getting the reactions that you are.

Evidently she is comfortable the way she is, and you are not comfortable with her the way she is - and, more importantly, it bothers you that she is comfortable as she is right now.

Your priorities are not in sync.

I think you will be happiest with a woman who will never accept herself if she has a few pounds extra. There are many such women out there. Meanwhile she will be in a healthier relationship with a man who is not overly concerned about minor changes in her body as time goes on.

July 5, 2016

Oh, my god, that would have really bothered me, too.

I tend to take better care of myself, when I'm feeling loved, not the opposite. The, "I'd be more attracted to you, if you changed this or that about yourself" would be demoralizing to anyone, I think.

Exactly. There are better ways to motivate our loved ones, like making them feel good about themselves.

My recent boyfriend, even though he's now an ex for other reasons, made me feel like the most beautiful woman when we made love. It was one of the reasons that pushed me into fitness - partially my wish to reward him with even nicer body.

July 5, 2016

You're not in love with her.

My friend gained way more weight than your gf did. She gained nearly 30 lbs.

Yet her now fiance dodn't even notice. He was so enamoured and crazy about my friend that the added 30 lbs were nothing to him.

When a man is head over heels in love at a certain level---- weight gain doesn't take aeay from his attraction. 10/10 chemistry and connection doesn't dissipate due to weight gain.

July 5, 2016

To be fair, I constantly try to make my girlfriend feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. I always compliment her and tell her how good I think she looks. My only concern is that now she's gaining weight and I'm still complimenting her she feels no need to get in better shape since she thinks I think she's already in great shape.

Also I think there's been a false narrative that's been perpetuated throughout this thread. I never once said that I want to or was planning on breaking up with her because of the weight gain. Far from it. I said the thought crossed my mind but that's more of a reflection of my disappointment in her weight gain than actually wanting to leave her.

Someone mentioned it before that perhaps someone else is influencing my perception of my girlfriend. I did think I had a trophy girl until my mother and sister both commented on her weight gain and told me I shouldn't be settling at my age. My family's approval is very important to me so that definitely affected me.

July 5, 2016

My recent boyfriend, even though he's now an ex for other reasons, made me feel like the most beautiful woman when we made love. It was one of the reasons that pushed me into fitness - partially my wish to reward him with even nicer body.

You should be feeling like that anyway.

If you aren't, you are with the wrong guy.

Hence, OP should move on.

July 5, 2016

Someone mentioned it before that perhaps someone else is influencing my perception of my girlfriend. I did think I had a trophy girl until my mother and sister both commented on her weight gain and told me I shouldn't be settling at my age. My family's approval is very important to me so that definitely affected me.

They said that? Ugh!! Her sole problem is that she gained weight? Do they have other problems with her? I didn't like my sister's husband, but I never told her what she should do where he was concerned.

July 5, 2016

I was 5'7" and 150 lbs when I was 23 and was considered overweight by most people in my social circle at the time, as evidenced by the numerous unsolicited advice I received about how to lose weight.

Don't you love it! Like anyone needs anyone to tell them they've gained weight! With guys it would be like losing hair. "You've really lost some hair there Fred! Let me tell you about my plastic surgeon"..."Wow thanks John I had no idea my hair was thinning".

I really don't understand why people feel a need to make comments like that. People know their own body, their flaws, and most women are exceptionally self-critical of their own looks.

I've been with my girlfriend for almost 2 years now. She's an incredible person and I can truly say she always makes me happy. She's extremely caring, motivated, intelligent and confident which are all things I admire about her. Since we met, I've been deeply in love with her and I do see her as someone I'd like to spend the rest of my life with.

When we first met and early in our relationship, she was skinny and looked absolutely beautiful. I felt spoiled with her. She had an incredible personality and I felt like she was way out of my league. It was an amazing feeling to be dating her in those days.

Then about a year ago, she started putting on weight. At first I thought it was due to the stresses of being in grad school and how her demanding coursework gave her little time for sleep, let alone exercise. But I realized this may be a permanent problem. She loves to drink beer and especially the heavier ones like stouts and porters. I guess when she was younger, her metabolism could keep up with that but now it's showing. She doesn't have a drinking problem or anything. She only drinks casually maybe once a week at most, but she still elects to drink things that are heavy.

She is aware of her weight gain and seemed unhappy with it before but now she's chalking it up to being how her body is naturally changing and that she needs to get comfortable with it. She claims she eats healthy all the time and she runs 4 miles 2 or 3 times a week. I find that hard to believe as she went from stick thin to overweight within a year.

I don't know what to do. I absolutely love my girlfriend's personality. That aspect of her is perfect for me. But I'm finding myself getting less and less attracted to her lately. The thought of breaking up with her because of it has crossed my mind a few times. I hate to sound so shallow especially when everything else about her is so great but I can't deny how I am feeling.

I've tried hinting at her about her weight gain and have even said I'm unhappy with my weight gain and to do a diet with me to motivate me. It seems like nothing will work unless I bluntly tell her I think she's fat and I'm not attracted to her. Obviously I know how terrible that will sound so I could never do that. I don't want to end the most rewarding relationship I've been in and lose an incredible partner but I also don't want to keep feeling like this. What should I do?

Dude, don't say anything to her about her weight.

Almost two years...well that's not really THAT long. If you aren't happy, move on now. I'd say if you found a woman with a complimentary personality that is more important. But I don't mind a woman with extra weight.

It's not really rocket science. If people have a propensity for weight gain, which is most people, they are going to gain weight once they're in a stable relationship. Grad school, stable relationship, no time for gym, high stress etc. she (and you eventually) are going to gain weight. Add in kids, mortgage, etc. and there is going to be more to come. My solution (I'm single and can barely do it all), add in a home gym. However, most people stop worrying so much about looking like a supermodel once they get older (especially when you find its a lost cause lol) and work to maintain and improve their overall health...but keeping that in a healthy perspective. Life isn't about health. Health is a vehicle to give a better life. There's more important things in life. We have terrorism, starving kids, kids sold as sex slaves, and we're worried about a few extra pounds. First world problems.

My advice, just end it but don't go on about her weight. That's cruel and could mess her up for a long time. Think about her future, not yours. Especially if you don't want her anymore.

July 5, 2016

Also I think there's been a false narrative that's been perpetuated throughout this thread. I never once said that I want to or was planning on breaking up with her because of the weight gain. Far from it. I said the thought crossed my mind but that's more of a reflection of my disappointment in her weight gain than actually wanting to leave her.

Okay, not to harp on this point, but you did say this in your OP:

I don't know what to do. I absolutely love my girlfriend's personality. That aspect of her is perfect for me. But I'm finding myself getting less and less attracted to her lately. The thought of breaking up with her because of it has crossed my mind a few times. I hate to sound so shallow especially when everything else about her is so great but I can't deny how I am feeling.

So maybe that's not what you MEANT, but that's sure what it sounded like.

FWIW, I've generally found that it's best to be really, really clear in what you say on LS, otherwise things do very easily get misconstrued. I think if you'd phrased things differently from the get-go, you may not have gotten the blowback you did.

I don't envy your position, OP. The decision, of whether to break up with her or to stay and try and make it work, is ultimately up to you. And breaking up with her IS a legitimate decision, no matter what anyone here has to say.

Generally speaking though, most first relationships, or relationships that begin at a younger age, do not last, regardless of what the "issues" are; eventually two people tend to grow apart as they grow up and become adults. That's very normal. I also think, that if you want to stay with her, this is a great opportunity to practice eschewing the opinions of those around you, especially your family. I know that as I've gotten older, the opinions of others have mattered less and less. It's your life, after-all.

July 5, 2016

Your girlfriend's value is not determined by her weight.

And your value is not determined by your girlfriend's weight.

You thought she was a trophy until someone else suggested otherwise. Be your own man and pursue what YOU want.

July 5, 2016

Don't you love it! Like anyone needs anyone to tell them they've gained weight! With guys it would be like losing hair. "You've really lost some hair there Fred! Let me tell you about my plastic surgeon"..."Wow thanks John I had no idea my hair was thinning".

Except that hair loss is not controllable, whereas weight is. Unless she has an underlying medical condition (which is not all that common but typically treatable, if present), the main reason for weight gain is calories in > calories out. And yes, a woman who is pushing the upper range of "normal" weight in her 20's is likely to be quite overweight in her 30's and beyond.

Not really sure why the OP is being flamed for noticing and not being super happy about his gf's weight gain. Maybe they *do* need to split up, but there is nothing wrong with wanting a partner who values his/her health and appearance.

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