fitnessfan365 Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 Just to add some more context, my sister and mother have also commented how they think she is putting on weight so this isn't just me as a shallow man thinking this. In fact, they are the ones who pointed it out and made me realize she was gaining weight. As women, you would think they would know what is healthy and what isn't. They have said she isn't fat but instead "soft bodied". As others have said, 160 @ 5'8" is not overweight. Also I'm curious if part of your sudden concern is based on what others think. Maybe you thought of her as a trophy before and now that people think she is getting heavier, you're feeling self conscious? Also did you say you've gained weight yourself in the opening post? 3
BeholdtheMan Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 LOL at the people attempting to shame OP for liking slim women. Men are entitled to have certain standards, as are women. His GF is 5'8" and 160lbs and has ballooned in weight over a relatively short time. 5'8" Normal: 125#-163#; Overweight: 164#-196# That places her at the very top of "normal". Looks like she'll be overweight in another month or two...as she doesn't seem to care about her increasing weight. Nothing wrong with expecting your partner to strive to maintain an attractive body. If she couldn't care less . . . the two of you are fundamentally incompatible and you should leave her 4
xxoo Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 Say what you will but women are much more accepting of man's looks than vice versa. It's been proven biologically and socially. It's a fact. In one of those OKC huge polls, men's top fear about getting married is that the wife's looks will deteriote. This came above illness and poverty. Disgusting. Wow, that's bad
Ocino Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 I'm in solidarity with the OP. We're human, we get shallow. Even the best of us have shameful thoughts once in a while. The OP has a concern and he's presented it to the board anonymously to work through it. He doesn't need to be disgraced for it, whether you agree with him or not. Anyway. 5ft8 and 160+ is really not bad imo. Googled some pictures and it's still pretty hot. And she's a tall girl, which is cool. That being said, if I was dating someone who used to be skinny and started gaining weight to reach that point at 23, which is still pretty young, I would start to get worried about what's going to happen down the line. I don't think you have to obsess over it, but I would observe her dieting habits, her lifestyle, her exercise interests. PLENTY of people are able to juggle the challenges of day to day and find time to maintain their figure. Others let themselves go. Healthy and attractive aren't always the same thing. You don't have to settle for someone who doesn't value keeping a taught figure as much as you. As for talking to her about it directly, I have no idea how you should approach this. 1
PrettyEmily77 Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 Replace [weight] with anything else and see how that sounds... Struggling with GF spending too much time with her friends Struggling with GF not working hard enough Struggling with GF having too many male friends Struggling with GF spending time on the phone to her mum... etc. The weight isn't the worst issue (OP, you are attracted to whoever you're attracted to, and that's fine) - in fact, it doesn't seem like an issue at all, but whatever; the struggling with something he can't and shouldn't control is the issue.
Shining One Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 Say what you will but women are much more accepting of man's looks than vice versa. It's been proven biologically and socially. It's a fact.Define "looks" in your statement. Men tend to be more selective about certain physical attributes. Women tend to be more selective about other physical attributes.
kismetkismet Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 I think that physical attraction in a relationship is important, but the fact that her being a healthy weight is so deplorable to you makes me think you may not love her as much as you think.. There is nothing you can *do* about this, because it's her body and she would resent you for the rest of her life if you made her lose weight in order to stay with her. I would let her go because it's not fair to her, but for god's sake don't tell her the specifics. If you're exclusively attracted to very skinny women, you should date women who are passionate about fitness and nutrition. that's the only way that most women stay super SKINNY into their late 20s/30s. Women are biologically made to have a higher body fat percentage than men. Of course some women can stay skinny when they get older, but it's nearly always because fitness and nutrition are their primary hobby/passion.
joseb Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 Say what you will but women are much more accepting of man's looks than vice versa. It's been proven biologically and socially. It's a fact. In one of those OKC huge polls, men's top fear about getting married is that the wife's looks will deteriote. This came above illness and poverty. Disgusting. If it's a biological fact, then saying it's disgusting and blaming men seems a bit silly. It's just how we are. Most guys just don't worry about poverty as they assume it's never going to happen. Same with illness, though obviously that is inevitable - we all die. OP has a valid concern in my opinion. Her weight is fine, if that was her normal weight, but she has increased her body weight by 20% in a year. That's way too quickly, and at 23 you can hardly blame her age. I would get a thorough health check if that happened to me. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 Why is that women freely and openly judge men on factors such as height (which they can't control) and income but if men judge women on weight (which in most cases they can change) they are viewed as shallow? I think it's natural human instinct for people to look for certain desirable features in the opposite sex. I agree. It's a woman's basic nature that drives her to choose a man with physical stature, means, and status to mate with. Men could berate you for the rest of your life for your preferences - it's not going to change the fact that you're not sexually attracted and motivated to couple with a man who doesn't get your engine humming, even if it all comes down to "superficial" reasons like his height or facial features. And it's man's basic nature that drives him to choose a woman with the physical traits that inspire his sexual, emotional, and financial investment. These two aren't married, they're very young, and this is the time to figure out if they're a match for the biggest commitment of their life. Given that he's already turned off by her soft physique 2 years in, this relationship doesn't seem to have staying power on the current track. It's really not up to any of us to judge the OP for choosing to pursue what makes him happy. We all do the same in many different ways. There's no point going on in this state of dissatisfaction. Either end the relationship or talk to her about what's on your mind. I think it would be beneficial for you to speak up. You don't have to be rude or mean while being honest. It's very likely that she'll get angry and sad, and it could even mean the end of the relationship. But she deserves the chance to know what's going wrong, and make adjustments to her own habits if she wants to. 6
BrownEyedGurl1 Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 Id suggest breaking up and finding a woman really really into fitness. Hit on some girls at your gym you see there all the time. That is the only kind of woman who will maintain the body in your very narrow view of attractive body types. I'm sure this will come across as me being mean but its the truth, you cannot expect a normal, nonfitness obsessed woman to remain super skinny all the time and especially if you marry and have children it wont get better. Youd save her and yourself heartache by ending it now. I actually once had a boyfriend gain weight and I was quite turned off and my sex drive diminished so I didn't click on this thread with negativity in mind. I am very into weight lifting so I'm not skinny as in the model way but slim with a lot of muscle mass for the average woman my age. The difference is, my boyfriend went from normal (which your gf now is) to very overweight.
Jammer25 Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 I find it hilarious that people focus on the weight itself. How do you know that she is actually HEALTHY at that weight? You cannot say with certainty or a blanket statement that she is, even after the weight gain. People with a stubborn, shortsighted sense of acceptance make that automatic assumption and start throwing jabs everywhere for not conceding to their view. There's a difference in preference if you prefer someone who is healthy, versus just the weight. I would not want to be with someone who chooses to be unhealthy and does not change even after my requests or efforts, whether that is skinny, medium or bigger. I understand that people are saying it out of their sense of normalcy and acceptance, but the skinny-shaming, hypocrisy and jadedness is strong in this thread.
Eighty_nine Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 ^but OPs gf is nowhere near fat. He'd be getting a lot different advice if she was. I say break up with her and pursue the very fit girls that embody the characteristics you believe are so important to you. You may find your ideals about what matters in a relationship are a bit misguided.
ajaxlemon Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 (edited) Id suggest breaking up and finding a woman really really into staying thin for the sake of staying thin. Fixed. I was 5'7" and 150 lbs when I was 23 and was considered overweight by most people in my social circle at the time, as evidenced by the numerous unsolicited advice I received about how to lose weight. I imagine if people like OP didn't exist so many young women who aren't naturally stick-thin wouldn't be struggling with self-esteem issues and/or eating disorders. Also it's not just the physical appearance aspect of the weight gain. Weight gain also reflects deeper personality issues such as lack of care for appearance and good health, laziness, and indifference.Or maybe it's just the realization that it's not her job to look to be the size other people want her to be. I'm fairly certain most teenage girls eat less than they're supposed to be "in shape" without being technically anorexic. These girls are probably as unhealthy as they can get (both physically and mentally) and yet no one seems to think about them when the health issue comes up. Someone mentioned hypocrisy? Yes, smells like hypocrisy all right. No one said you were a terrible person... OP isn't necessarily a bad person, but listing all these things that are supposed to sound like great accomplishments sure makes him look like a butthole. The tutoring low income part especially doesn't sit well with me. The kids he tutors will likely never go to college and get out of the cycle of poverty, but he gets to feel good about himself anyway because he spends a few hours out of 168 tutoring them. Edited July 5, 2016 by ajaxlemon 2
Jammer25 Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 ^but OPs gf is nowhere near fat. He'd be getting a lot different advice if she was. That wasn't the point of my post. I was saying that just because people on here call it a "normal" weight, it is misguided to assume that that means she's healthy. These girls are probably as unhealthy as they can get (both physically and mentally) and yet no one seems to think about them when the health issue comes up. Someone mentioned hypocrisy? Yes, smells like hypocrisy all right. And the skinny-shaming continues.
ajaxlemon Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 And the skinny-shaming continues. You clearly don't know what shaming means. 2
Jammer25 Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 You clearly don't know what shaming means. Sure, let's get into semantics on a topic that strikes a cord.
ajaxlemon Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 Sure, let's get into semantics on a topic that strikes a cord. "Skinny bitches! They probably don't even eat!!" - Shaming. "I'm fairly certain most teenage girls eat less than they're supposed to be "in shape" without being technically anorexic. These girls are probably as unhealthy as they can get (both physically and mentally) and yet no one seems to think about them when the health issue comes up. Someone mentioned hypocrisy? Yes, smells like hypocrisy all right." - What apparently qualifies as "shaming" according to you. 1
katiegrl Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 (edited) Sure, let's get into semantics on a topic that strikes a cord. No I agree with ajax What in her post was skinny-shamimg? Young girls are starving themselves to be thin to fit in with society's standards. Some of them dying even, from anorexia, bullemia...and other diseases caused by various eating disorders. It is a real problem that needs addressing! How is acknowledging this skinny-shaming? Edited July 5, 2016 by katiegrl
Jammer25 Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 "Skinny bitches! They probably don't even eat!!" - Shaming. "I'm fairly certain most teenage girls eat less than they're supposed to be "in shape" without being technically anorexic. These girls are probably as unhealthy as they can get (both physically and mentally) and yet no one seems to think about them when the health issue comes up. Someone mentioned hypocrisy? Yes, smells like hypocrisy all right." - What apparently qualifies as "shaming" according to you. Because shaming only applies to extreme examples and not subtleties and allusions. Young girls are starving themselves to be thin to fit in with society's standards. Some of them dying even, from anorexia, bullemia...and other diseases caused by various eating disorders. It is a real problem that needs addressing! How is acknowledging this skinny-shamimg? Of course it's a problem. However, a large portion of people bringing it up are generalizing - based largely on personal availability biases - and expressing this as if anything other than skinny is healthy. Again, shaming does not, and often is not, obvious, blatant or extreme. It is often subconscious and layered. 3
ajaxlemon Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 Because shaming only applies to extreme examples and not subtleties and allusions. Of course it's a problem. However, a large portion of people bringing it up are generalizing - based largely on personal availability biases - and expressing this as if anything other than skinny is healthy. Again, shaming does not, and often is not, obvious, blatant or extreme. It is often subconscious and layered. Sounds to me like you only see what you want to see. Did you also think I was shaming low income kids? Because based on your logic, one cannot state a fact without subtly shaming a subject involved in the problem.
Jammer25 Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 Sounds to me like you only see what you want to see. Did you also think I was shaming low income kids? Because based on your logic, one cannot state a fact without subtly shaming a subject involved in the problem. Such a misguided extrapolation of my post. Do you know what I meant by layered?
ajaxlemon Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 Such a misguided extrapolation of my post. Do you know what I meant by layered? Well you don't know what people mean by shaming, so...
katiegrl Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 (edited) Because shaming only applies to extreme examples and not subtleties and allusions. Of course it's a problem. However, a large portion of people bringing it up are generalizing - based largely on personal availability biases - and expressing this as if anything other than skinny is healthy. Again, shaming does not, and often is not, obvious, blatant or extreme. It is often subconscious and layered. Nice spin... Seriously tho, we will just have to agree to disagree.... Shaming is usually very blatant or obvious. But if someone has a chip or issue with the subject at hand, they are certainly capable of interpreting an inoccuous statement of fact as being shaming ... I didn't consider what ajax wrote to be shaming, not even close, and I have no stake in this argument. So no reason to be biased. But you are entitled to your opinion so let's just leave it at that. Edited July 5, 2016 by katiegrl
justavillagegirl Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 No I agree with ajax What in her post was skinny-shamimg? Young girls are starving themselves to be thin to fit in with society's standards. Some of them dying even, from anorexia, bullemia...and other diseases caused by various eating disorders. It is a real problem that needs addressing! How is acknowledging this skinny-shaming? Many more die from obesity related illnesses but nobody bats an eyelid at that because feels over reals. 3
justavillagegirl Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 OP needs to jump ship. Her current weight gain is only the beginning. If she's not planning on don't something about it now then it's a sign that things are going to get worse. This could lead to problems when they want to start having children as well as after having them as kids of fat parents often grow up to be fat themselves. Somebody already hit the nail on the head. Weight gain is a symptom of bigger things such as lack of self control, laziness etc etc. Don't give me that 'fat doesn't mean lazy, what about "medical condishuns"' bull. Calories in, calories out. It's as simple as that. 2
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