Struggling with GF's weight gain

[SwordofFlame]

OP, there are women out there that have no trouble staying thin despite life's stresses. I work with some of these women and despite all of the long hours and stress, they're still thin and very attractive. I don't know how they do it, but they do it.

 

I don't know if your girlfriend just got comfortable and just let herself go a bit or there is some underlying health issue. If it's the latter, that can be fixed. If it's the former, maybe you just need to find someone else that lives a fit lifestyle like you. Diets only work temporarily, it's the lifestyle that lasts.

[PogoStick]

I'll sum it up for you OP. Things a girl doesn't find attractive about a man: height, teeth, balding, job, education, living situation, car...is simply her "having standards" and "knowing what she wants".

 

A guy who finds something unattractive about a girl : SHALLOW!

 

Trust me sir, a girl doesn't need an extra 80 pounds to be tough. My most recent gf was 5'6 and 140#, 42 y/o, definitely not a "size 0", solid through the thighs and butt, tight waist...and had no problem helping me move 2 reclining sofas (the heavy ones with metal workings inside).

 

Her workout routine? 15-20 minutes at home 4-ish days a week (and smart eating). Don't be skinny shamed and don't accept excuses.

[Jammer25]

Not every woman who is skinny is unhealthy. Some women eat like pigs and are still skinny. They are just built that way. The same with some overweight women, they are not unhealthy.

 

You're not allowed to make this argument, apparently. Every skinny woman is unhealthy, and evil.

 

It amazes me how people always mistake preference with self-issues or discrimination by mapping their own values onto someone else. The hypocrisy is astounding.

Edited July 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[losangelena]

No one said you were a terrible person... come on now quit with the woe is me attitude

 

But being that you *claim* to be in love with your girlfriend ... but yet want to dump because she has gained some weight, makes you a bit of a *shallow* person, which you yourself admitted.

 

If you had just met her and were turned off, no one would be making these comments.

 

But since you claim to be in love with her, well, yeah that makes you appear to be a bit of arse to many if us.

 

But I am sure you have some redeeming qualities, good for you for volunteering!

 

Quoted for agreement.

 

I never said you were a bad person, either. However, I actually do think it's shallow of anyone, man or woman, to look at their partner, who they claim to love so much, and say, "this one issue in another otherwise (supposedly) great relationship is so heinous that I need to end it."

 

I think maybe you're having a hard time reconciling those two parts of yourself, or that you'd like the, "I still love her" part of your brain to supersede the, "I'm not attracted to her anymore" part. But it's not, and you feel bad for it. I think you're looking for someone to say, "it's OK for you to feel this way," and it IS. You're fully within your rights to want a skinny GF. You're fully within your rights to prioritize thinness in a GF above all other qualities. You may not be able to do that without some people thinking of you as shallow. But guess what, being "shallow" doesn't mean you're a "bad person."

 

It's fine to break up with her, if you don't think the problem is going to get any better or you don't want to have a hard conversation with her. You may still feel bad/guilty/conflicted over it, but at least you can move ahead knowing that you're living by your principles, regardless of what a bunch of internet strangers may think of your decision.

[katiegrl]

I'll sum it up for you OP. Things a girl doesn't find attractive about a man: height, teeth, balding, job, education, living situation, car...is simply her "having standards" and "knowing what she wants".

 

A guy who finds something unattractive about a girl : SHALLOW!

 

Trust me sir, a girl doesn't need an extra 80 pounds to be tough. My most recent gf was 5'6 and 140#, 42 y/o, definitely not a "size 0", solid through the thighs and butt, tight waist...and had no problem helping me move 2 reclining sofas (the heavy ones with metal workings inside).

 

Her workout routine? 15-20 minutes at home 4-ish days a week (and smart eating). Don't be skinny shamed and don't accept excuses.

 

You are missing the point....

 

Like I said, there is nothing wrong with him liking skinny vs. heavier. And if he had just met her, no problem!

 

But he claims to be in love with her!

 

Should this not make a difference?

 

And for the record, the women you describe above I would also consider shallow!

 

Regardless of whether they were in love or not!

Edited July 3, 2016 by katiegrl

[PogoStick]

But he claims to be in love with her!

 

Should this not make a difference?

 

 

Katie, I love you! You seem adorably sweet. Of course, his love matters. That's why he's torn, and offered to help but she's not buying in. And it matters to him, so shouldn't she care about her figure if she loves him? Truth is, she doesn't want to change so this will only get worse. She'll resent him if he says her body is getting worse. He'll be unhappy if he stays. He should just end it.

 

Katie, serious question: In the OP's situation where a guy is bothered and becoming less attracted to his woman, should he tell her that? Should he just end it and give her a soft reason?

[katiegrl]

Katie, I love you! You seem adorably sweet. Of course, his love matters. That's why he's torn, and offered to help but she's not buying in. And it matters to him, so shouldn't she care about her figure if she loves him? Truth is, she doesn't want to change so this will only get worse. She'll resent him if he says her body is getting worse. He'll be unhappy if he stays. He should just end it.

 

Katie, serious question: In the OP's situation where a guy is bothered and becoming less attracted to his woman, should he tell her that? Should he just end it and give her a soft reason?

 

After two years? The truth. Unfortunately he is no longer attracted. He doesn't have to go into why.

 

If he had just met her? Soft reason ..

 

And thanks for the compliment! Sweet? I would never have expected that, but yah I AM very sweet! lol

[turt]

Without a medical reason, I don't see how it's natural to gain a ton of weight in a short amount of time. If she was really skinny, she probably weighed around 130. So 30 pounds in a year or so? There's something wrong with that and it's not healthy.

 

I'm not sure why people in this thread think that skinny is unhealthy and weight is good regardless of the reason. Everyone's body is different. At the rate of weight gain, it won't be long before she is overweight and later obese.

 

It sounds more like she doesn't care about her health which is not a good sign.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Haha I'm actually in great shape. I always have been. I'm extremely active and eat very well. I just said that I wanted to go on a diet so I made the issue about myself and didn't have to say she is putting on weight.

 

I find it hilarious that people on this thread are assuming nasty things about me and think I'm such a low life. You know nothing about me and because I am more attracted to skinny women that makes me a terrible person?

 

I went to one of the top universities in the country (top 25), earn a great salary at my age working for a startup in the mobile tech space, volunteer on weekends and tutor low income children, and respected well among my peers. I like to think I'm a good person. But no because I have a certain preference in body weight the rest gets all forgotten about and I am a terrible person? Give me a break.

 

 

 

Uh, OK, well then why haven't you upgraded to match your obvious appeal?

 

 

We should point out that you "like to think" your own girlfriend is "fat" as well.

 

 

We don't need to know anything about you... beyond your having offered your GF's stats and your opinions.

[elaine567]

Anyone who is prepared to ditch a gf/bf because they have gained weight, does not know the meaning of true love.

Heck, people have had to cope with SOs with major illnesses, cancer, major surgery, disabilities, amputations, scarring, loss of neurological function, etc. etc and they still stick by them through thick and thin, and here the much "beloved" gf needs to go because she not "skinny" any more...

[PrettyEmily77]

Haha I'm actually in great shape. I always have been. I'm extremely active and eat very well. I just said that I wanted to go on a diet so I made the issue about myself and didn't have to say she is putting on weight.

 

I find it hilarious that people on this thread are assuming nasty things about me and think I'm such a low life. You know nothing about me and because I am more attracted to skinny women that makes me a terrible person?

 

I went to one of the top universities in the country (top 25), earn a great salary at my age working for a startup in the mobile tech space, volunteer on weekends and tutor low income children, and respected well among my peers. I like to think I'm a good person. But no because I have a certain preference in body weight the rest gets all forgotten about and I am a terrible person? Give me a break.

 

 

One of the 25 top universities in the country AND you tutor low income kids, no less: no wonder you are struggling with her issue! I feel your pain, dude.

 

 

On the basis of those very rare and highly laudable achievements alone, you should drop her like a hot potato and go find someone as awesome as you are: you owe yourself that much.

[clia]

She is 5'8", 23 years old and 160 lb.

 

Curious how you know exactly how much she weighs? Just seems odd. How many pounds has she gained?

 

According to your original post, she is fine with the weight gain, which I personally don't find troubling since she is in the range of normal (not overweight) and it is true that bodies change. (Especially if she is exercising and eating healthy, which she says she is.). It's more troubling that you consider an average weight to be "fat." So, since you are obviously attracted to women at the lower end of the BMI range, you should just end the relationship and let her find a guy who is happy with her at a normal weight.

 

That said, it isn't realistic with anyone to think they will always and forever maintain the exact body they did when you met. People age, have stress, go in and out of periods of healthy eating and motivation to exercise, weight can fluctuate, etc. It also gets much harder to maintain a stick thin 21 year old physique as you age. So, you might think long and hard about what is really important to you. Your girlfriend is not fat according to standard BMI charts. She may well have been underweight before and has just grown into her adult body.

[Lorenza]

It seems like young men nowadays do not understand that any kind of attraction will wear off, no matter how beautiful the girl is. Even if she remains skinny and tight, it won't be the same after seeing the same face every day for years on. You will see her sick and vomiting into a bucket, pregnant and swollen, greasy hair and hairy legs during first months of taking care of a new baby, getting wrinkly as the years go by, getting sagier, going through hormonal changes, gaining weight and so on. If you base your choice on physical attraction, you're in for disappointment after disappoint, every time you change partner and seeing that they can't keep your attraction. You can only live a happy life with someone who you connect on a deeper level and if accept that attraction is not forever. Feelings change, bodies change but all we're headed the same direction - towards the sunset of our lives. Appearance means nothing in the long run.

 

And this doesn't come from a chubby girl who finds this topic triggering

[bu2002]

Without a medical reason, I don't see how it's natural to gain a ton of weight in a short amount of time. If she was really skinny, she probably weighed around 130. So 30 pounds in a year or so? There's something wrong with that and it's not healthy.

 

I'm not sure why people in this thread think that skinny is unhealthy and weight is good regardless of the reason. Everyone's body is different. At the rate of weight gain, it won't be long before she is overweight and later obese.

 

It sounds more like she doesn't care about her health which is not a good sign.

 

Yep. This is the point that's getting lost. The women on this thread are strictly looking at the height/weight measurement, comparing it to themselves, and thinking "all seems good"

 

She's had an accelerated weight gain, and a basic long term forecast indicates this isn't going to get better, but rather worse, especially if she has a cavalier about it or doesn't care about her health.

Edited July 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[nyfan1992]

Alright I think people need to calm down on here. Why is that women freely and openly judge men on factors such as height (which they can't control) and income but if men judge women on weight (which in most cases they can change) they are viewed as shallow? I think it's natural human instinct for people to look for certain desirable features in the opposite sex.

 

I do love my girlfriend, that's why I'm on here asking for help. You think this is the first place I went to when I realized I had a problem with this? Of course not! I spoke to friends, family and read countless articles online. If I didn't love her and was really such a shallow pig as I'm being made out to be don't you think I would have dumped her already?

 

I want to stay with my girlfriend. Like I said before I have every intention of spending the rest of my life with her. But I am being honest with myself when I feel less attracted to her as I used to. All I want is to figure out the best way to motivate my girlfriend to get into shape without offending her. Yes she is technically normal body weight and no I don't want her to be super model skinny, but she does have room to lose weight as do most people. I don't see anything wrong with what I'm saying.

[nyfan1992]

Also it's not just the physical appearance aspect of the weight gain. Weight gain also reflects deeper personality issues such as lack of care for appearance and good health, laziness, and indifference. Not saying that's what I suspect with her in this case, but I don't think it's unreasonable to be concerned about dramatic weight gain especially for someone who's been thin for most of their life.

[Lorenza]

Alright I think people need to calm down on here. Why is that women freely and openly judge men on factors such as height (which they can't control) and income but if men judge women on weight (which in most cases they can change) they are viewed as shallow? I think it's natural human instinct for people to look for certain desirable features in the opposite sex.

 

I do love my girlfriend, that's why I'm on here asking for help. You think this is the first place I went to when I realized I had a problem with this? Of course not! I spoke to friends, family and read countless articles online. If I didn't love her and was really such a shallow pig as I'm being made out to be don't you think I would have dumped her already?

 

I want to stay with my girlfriend. Like I said before I have every intention of spending the rest of my life with her. But I am being honest with myself when I feel less attracted to her as I used to. All I want is to figure out the best way to motivate my girlfriend to get into shape without offending her. Yes she is technically normal body weight and no I don't want her to be super model skinny, but she does have room to lose weight as do most people. I don't see anything wrong with what I'm saying.

 

Hmm, women tend to care less about their partners' deteriorating looks, I often see good looking women with men who start bolding, have big bellies and, safe to assume, aren't beasts in bed anymore, as the testosterone reduces.

 

I think height, build etc matter only in the beginning, later on women are way more forgiving when men can't keep up with their initial looks. It's natural to look for desirable features, but as you have already chosen someone and discovered that there is something far beyond those looks, why does it matter?

 

I think people are trying to help you understand to not put that much significance on your gf's weight gain. There are obvious ways to help her get in shape, but if she gains weight now, she will be gaining later on too and there won't be any quick fixes. Are you ready to face that?

[Lorenza]

Also it's not just the physical appearance aspect of the weight gain. Weight gain also reflects deeper personality issues such as lack of care for appearance and good health, laziness, and indifference. Not saying that's what I suspect with her in this case, but I don't think it's unreasonable to be concerned about dramatic weight gain especially for someone who's been thin for most of their life.

 

There are other aspects to weight gain. Maybe your gf suffered hormonal changes as she suddenly started gain up. What if it's her thyroid? Or estrogen levels? Bad metabolism? Why immediately assuming she is lazy and doesn't care?

[Lady2163]

My posting history on here is spotty. But I don't see a whole lot,of threads on here about women upset that the love of their life, the man they've been with for two years is all of a sudden short.

 

I'm totally fine if you met your girlfriend today and weren't attracted to her.

 

30 pound weight gain in a year. 2 pounds a month. That's not that tough to do.

[PrettyEmily77]

she does have room to lose weight as do most people. I don't see anything wrong with what I'm saying.

 

Not wrong if that's what she wants and you're only showing her some encouragement and support.

 

Super wrong if she's fine with it and you are 'guiding' her through this process because that's what you want, for whatever reason - that comes across as a bit controlling.

 

Also, if her life amounts to 20 years, 18 of which spent growing, she still has the rest of her life for more changes.

 

You can worry all you like - ultimately, it's her call to make.

[elaine567]

No-one can hope to control the weight of a partner or how that partner looks because Hello!, they are a person in their own right and they get to decide their own weight or how they look.

As time goes on, many people decide that life is too short to diet, that there are other things in life that are more important than looks or other superficial things.

So whilst it is healthy to maintain a good weight, this gf isn't even overweight and is perfectly healthy weight wise, she is no doubt just filling out as a woman.

Its not to the OPs taste? then he can go find some other skinny teenager to date. But finding people who truly love and care for you isn't that easy, he should consider that fact carefully, before he dumps her for her weight gain.

[ThugLifing]

OP, have you ever made it clear that you prefer skinny/"hard bodied" women?

 

She is within a healthy BMI range for her height and weight at 5"8" 160. Sounds like a perfect size if you're a booty man like myself actually.

 

Your options are:

 

1.) Be blunt about it and tell her that you prefer her skinnier. She may leave you instead.

 

2.) Break up with her.

 

As someone stated, if you are thinking about breaking up with her over this, what if more serious issues happen in years to come?

 

You say you love her, but your love seems conditional. No one stays young forever. Some don't stay "hard bodied" forever.

 

I think you should break up with her and find a woman who loves fitness instead.

[PogoStick]

Romantic love is always conditional.

[tinkerbell16]

Haha I'm actually in great shape. I always have been. I'm extremely active and eat very well. I just said that I wanted to go on a diet so I made the issue about myself and didn't have to say she is putting on weight.

 

I find it hilarious that people on this thread are assuming nasty things about me and think I'm such a low life. You know nothing about me and because I am more attracted to skinny women that makes me a terrible person?

 

I went to one of the top universities in the country (top 25), earn a great salary at my age working for a startup in the mobile tech space, volunteer on weekends and tutor low income children, and respected well among my peers. I like to think I'm a good person. But no because I have a certain preference in body weight the rest gets all forgotten about and I am a terrible person? Give me a break.

 

Be careful what you wish for. There is no guarantee a new skinny girl will stay skinny either. The qualities you described your girlfriend has are not something easily found. How would you react if you went bald and she informed you she isn't attracted to bald men? Or you get prostate cancer and cant "function"? She should trade you in?

Edited July 4, 2016 by tinkerbell16

[Eternal Sunshine]

Say what you will but women are much more accepting of man's looks than vice versa. It's been proven biologically and socially. It's a fact.

 

In one of those OKC huge polls, men's top fear about getting married is that the wife's looks will deteriote. This came above illness and poverty. Disgusting.