Struggling with GF's weight gain

[nyfan1992]

I've been with my girlfriend for almost 2 years now. She's an incredible person and I can truly say she always makes me happy. She's extremely caring, motivated, intelligent and confident which are all things I admire about her. Since we met, I've been deeply in love with her and I do see her as someone I'd like to spend the rest of my life with.

 

When we first met and early in our relationship, she was skinny and looked absolutely beautiful. I felt spoiled with her. She had an incredible personality and I felt like she was way out of my league. It was an amazing feeling to be dating her in those days.

 

Then about a year ago, she started putting on weight. At first I thought it was due to the stresses of being in grad school and how her demanding coursework gave her little time for sleep, let alone exercise. But I realized this may be a permanent problem. She loves to drink beer and especially the heavier ones like stouts and porters. I guess when she was younger, her metabolism could keep up with that but now it's showing. She doesn't have a drinking problem or anything. She only drinks casually maybe once a week at most, but she still elects to drink things that are heavy.

 

She is aware of her weight gain and seemed unhappy with it before but now she's chalking it up to being how her body is naturally changing and that she needs to get comfortable with it. She claims she eats healthy all the time and she runs 4 miles 2 or 3 times a week. I find that hard to believe as she went from stick thin to overweight within a year.

 

I don't know what to do. I absolutely love my girlfriend's personality. That aspect of her is perfect for me. But I'm finding myself getting less and less attracted to her lately. The thought of breaking up with her because of it has crossed my mind a few times. I hate to sound so shallow especially when everything else about her is so great but I can't deny how I am feeling.

 

I've tried hinting at her about her weight gain and have even said I'm unhappy with my weight gain and to do a diet with me to motivate me. It seems like nothing will work unless I bluntly tell her I think she's fat and I'm not attracted to her. Obviously I know how terrible that will sound so I could never do that. I don't want to end the most rewarding relationship I've been in and lose an incredible partner but I also don't want to keep feeling like this. What should I do?

[elaine567]

How tall is she, how old is she, and what does she weigh?

[nyfan1992]

She is 5'8", 23 years old and 160 lb.

[bu2002]

You have nothing to apologize for. Physical attraction is a huge part of a relationship and a fundamental part of why men/women are attracted to each other

 

Your GF has let herself go as she's gotten comfortable in the relationship. You didn't mention any medical conditions affecting her mental or physical behavior that would lead to this. Given what you've said, my hunch is this gets worse before better

 

Are you two sexually active? If so, has your sex life been negatively affected by this? If it's been negative from your perspective, what about her? Does she care?

 

You also have to think about this long term. As I alluded this could get worse. Do you have a desire to have kids one day? If she's letting herself go now, what's going to happen if y'all have kids?

 

I think one of your options is to encourage healthier lifestyle choices and see if it gets through to her. Telling her bluntly or issuing ultimatums (i.e refusing to spend time with her, refuse to have sex) may get her the message, but it's a poor foundation for your future relationship and this issue turns into a yo-yo effect, being something you are constantly dealing with.

[mrldii]

...she was skinny...

 

 

Ummm..."skinny" is not healthy.

 

She is 5'8", 23 years old and 160 lb.

 

Ummm...160# on a 5' 8" tall woman is not "fat"; it's normal...and "healthy".

 

 

"5'8" Normal: 125#-163#; Overweight: 164#-196#; Obese: 197#-256#"

 

 

 

 

https://www.rush.edu/health-wellness/quick-guides/what-is-a-healthy-weight

 

 

 

What should you do? Get help with your unrealistic and unhealthy body images in others, before you infect this woman "whom you love dearly" with it.

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP!

[bummer]

Run with her. Cook and eat with her more.

 

A few beers to relax a week are unlikely culprits. Yes light beers save on carbs but heavy dark beer or any beer generally are in the 150-250 cal range. I'd watch junk food or comfort/stress eating bad carbs elsewhere as the main issue.

 

Learn to adapt your sense of beauty and be supportive?

[katiegrl]

I always struggle trying to understand these *fat* threads from guys who have been dating their gfs for years. In your case two years.

 

Yes I understand attraction is important , but shouldn't attraction involve more than just the physical when you are in a relationship for YEARS and *in love* with her?

 

Should not it run a bit deeper than her being "skinny"?

 

What if she developed a medical condition that caused weight gain, or what happens when she becomes pregnant some day, will you still be "turned off"?

 

Good gawd. She is not even fat, or overweight...she is normal for her height.

 

I agree with what mrldii wrote....

[elaine567]

I agree with mrldii -

 

Healthy weight range for this height:

8st 10lb - 11st 11lb

BMI =24.

Trouble is, she is probably now changing from her skinny teenage shape into the shape of a woman, with a different fat distribution. Weight gain every year is completely normal in the twenties for women.

As long as her BMI is normal, she has nothing to worry about.

[Lady2163]

Yeah, that's not obese. You do sound shallow. She's probably a size six or eight?

 

Skinny is not healthy as has already been said. I look at size zero 20 somethings and wonder what health problems they have as they get older.

 

What can YOU do to help the problem? Since she is comfortable with it, this is YOUR problem and not hers.

 

Put down the game controller and help her. Do some of her chores or help make her life easier and maybe if she gets enough sleep, she will be able to get on a schedule where working out is able to be put back in her schedule. Fix healthy meals for her. When I was in college as an adult, I always ate junk for lunch. Pack her lunch for a week.

 

Tell her you want to try a variety of physical activities and sports with her. See if she wants to sign up from a kickball league or broomball team. Try kayaking, batting cages, heck even bowling or mini golf. Get her moving. Take her to different parks or places to hike.

 

If you want to spend the rest of your life with her, the time is now to start healthy behaviors - and start them together as a team.

 

You say you want to lose weight? Challenge her to see who can lose the most weight in a week or month.

 

I am an overweight woman and I would treat the right man like a king. He wouldn't have to lift a finger to do any housework, bill paying, errands. All he would have to do is work his job and probably help with yard work. I'm financially stable, even solvent. I'd be pissed as hell if he was able to roll out of bed, go to work with a decent lunch, clean and ironed clothes and all he had to do was come home at the end of the day and if he was STILL unhappy that I wasn't a 10, I'd kick his ass out.

 

He can go find some skinny, broke girl who expects him to do at least 50% of the household chores. He can be stressed and worried that she will cheat on him. He can have the drama of men hitting on her or even pursuing her aggressively.

 

Sad, but true, this is probably the only time in your life you will be truly compatible with a 23 year old. In ten years, you'll be the creepy old guy who has a bit more cash than their peers, but isn't as vigorous in the bedroom and is SO out of touch,

[PogoStick]

At 23, her metabolism is still strong. Wait until she hits 30+, then add in a full time job, add in a couple of kids (pregnancy weight plus less time for exercise). Add in her lifestyle that she isn't willing to change.

 

It's interesting, as I've gotten older I have learned to see where a woman is heading physically over the years. Lots of women are attractive in their college age, but I can see the little hints that it's not going to hold up. If a girl has minor weight problems already when age is working in her favor, high chance she'll tip the scales in the coming years. Girls are naturally attractive when they are young with little to no effort. It's a bad lesson to learn. Then they feel entitled, but 30's roll around and they can't justify their picky attitude anymore.

 

Do yourself a favor, check out POF or OKC and compare how many women 30-40 have managed to keep a decent figure. The best, fit girls when they are young usually end up average by 30's. Totally fine and attractive still IMO. But, an overweight 23 y/o is going to be very overweight at 33.

[losangelena]

She is 5'8", 23 years old and 160 lb.

 

Yeahhhhh ...

 

I agree with the others. This is not technically "overweight." According to the BMI chart, she's still within a healthy weight range.

 

Not everyone stays stick-thin forever.

 

You say you don't want to be shallow, but breaking up with someone because they're no longer a twig IS being (at least a little) shallow.

 

I don't understand it when people say, "My partner is amazing and makes me incredibly happy, EXCEPT this one thing that I hate so much I'm about to break up with them over." There is such cognitive dissonance to that statement. I feel like if she TRULY made you over-the-moon happy, you wouldn't be on the precipice of breakup because of weight gain.

 

Also, you say you're gaining weight? Well, the best you can truly do is try and motivate the both of you, if it's so important. Though, this may just be the new normal for her.

 

For the record, stouts and porters don't necessarily have more calories that lighter beers: https://www.craftbeer.com/craft-beer-muses/the-lighter-side-of-dark-debunking-the-myths-surrounding-dark-beer

[katiegrl]

At 23, her metabolism is still strong. Wait until she hits 30+, then add in a full time job, add in a couple of kids (pregnancy weight plus less time for exercise). Add in her lifestyle that she isn't willing to change.

 

It's interesting, as I've gotten older I have learned to see where a woman is heading physically over the years. Lots of women are attractive in their college age, but I can see the little hints that it's not going to hold up. If a girl has minor weight problems already when age is working in her favor, high chance she'll tip the scales in the coming years. Girls are naturally attractive when they are young with little to no effort. It's a bad lesson to learn. Then they feel entitled, but 30's roll around and they can't justify their picky attitude anymore.

 

Do yourself a favor, check out POF or OKC and compare how many women 30-40 have managed to keep a decent figure. The best, fit girls when they are young usually end up average by 30's. Totally fine and attractive still IMO. But, an overweight 23 y/o is going to be very overweight at 33.

 

Continue reading the posts, she is NOT overweight.

 

She is just not model skinny like she used to be.... and he is turned off, despite claiming "he loves her dearly".

 

I agree he should break up with her ....... so SHE can find a guy who truly loves her ....all of her.... and less shallow.

[Lady2163]

I always struggle trying to understand these *fat* threads from guys who have been dating their gfs for years. In your case two years.

 

Yes I understand attraction is important , but shouldn't attraction involve more than just the physical when you are in a relationship for YEARS and *in love* with her?

 

Should not it run a bit deeper than her being "skinny"?

 

What if she developed a medical condition that caused weight gain, or what happens when she becomes pregnant some day, will you still be "turned off"?

 

Good gawd. She is not even fat, or overweight...she is normal for her height.

 

I agree with what mrldii wrote....

 

I'm around 50 and while I've been slow to grey and wrinkle, I have added weight.

 

But so many of the men my age look at lot closer to Homer Simpson and want Barbie for their girlfriend.

 

15 years ago I worked with a 21 year old man who was skinny. He proudly said he would never out on weight. The 40 and 50 somethings laughed and laughed at him. Over the next few days they brought in their college graduation and wedding pictures.

 

An owner of a local workout place is made fun of behind his back. He is too skinny, too wiry, too unhealthy. Yet, he thinks he is perfect and Gods gift. He was actively pursuing a woman and she told him, "with your shaved head, bad teeth and pimple scars you look like a concentration camp prisoner. You are. It the picture of health."

 

OP your body is going to change as well. You may not know it at first. Your clothes will still fit, but maybe you've been too busy lately to work out. You'll get on the scale and shock! You are 8-10 pounds heavier! Why, you haven't eaten anything out of the ordinary, what's going on? Maybe you will skip a few meals and workout cardio wise for a few days. You might lose 1-2 pounds. What!?????

Now you get serious. You cut out soda, alcohol, all sugar and reduce portion sizes.

That next week you only lose a pound....

 

This will happen to you. The question is: what kind of woman do you want at your side? Do you want one that will be loyal and stick with you through thick and thin? Or do you want one who tells you that since your hair has started to recede you just don't appeal to her anymore in the bedroom.

[nyfan1992]

Just to add some more context, my sister and mother have also commented how they think she is putting on weight so this isn't just me as a shallow man thinking this. In fact, they are the ones who pointed it out and made me realize she was gaining weight. As women, you would think they would know what is healthy and what isn't. They have said she isn't fat but instead "soft bodied".

[SammySammy]

The excess weight in this relationship is you. And your mother and sister.

 

Leave this girl alone, please.

[losangelena]

Just to add some more context, my sister and mother have also commented how they think she is putting on weight so this isn't just me as a shallow man thinking this. In fact, they are the ones who pointed it out and made me realize she was gaining weight. As women, you would think they would know what is healthy and what isn't. They have said she isn't fat but instead "soft bodied".

 

Yes, but there's a difference between noticing that someone has gained weight (congratulations, you have eyes) and thinking that you need to break up with them because of it. Is anyone in your life encouraging you to make that move?

 

If it really bothers you, break up with her! There's nothing stopping you. I agree with Katie. There are men out there who will find your GF attractive at 160 pounds. Let her go so she can find one of them. Yes, you may be losing out on a great relationship, but that's the choice you're making, shallow or not.

[mrldii]

Just to add some more context, my sister and mother have also commented how they think she is putting on weight so this isn't just me as a shallow man thinking this. In fact, they are the ones who pointed it out and made me realize she was gaining weight. As women, you would think they would know what is healthy and what isn't. They have said she isn't fat but instead "soft bodied".

 

 

In context, yes, going from "skinny" to "healthy" is going to require "gaining weight".

[katiegrl]

Just to add some more context, my sister and mother have also commented how they think she is putting on weight so this isn't just me as a shallow man thinking this. In fact, they are the ones who pointed it out and made me realize she was gaining weight. As women, you would think they would know what is healthy and what isn't. They have said she isn't fat but instead "soft bodied".

 

 

Do they agree with you being totally turned off by it too and considering dumping her because of it?

 

THAT is the issue, not her gaining weight. Obviously she has gained, but is still not overweight as you contend.

 

If you feel she needs toning up, suggest you go running together! Which YOU would benefit from too.

 

By your own admission.... you are no prize either in the weight dept, your attitude seems quite hypocritical to me.

[stillafool]

In context, yes, going from "skinny" to "healthy" is going to require "gaining weight".

 

Not every woman who is skinny is unhealthy. Some women eat like pigs and are still skinny. They are just built that way. The same with some overweight women, they are not unhealthy.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Eh. Turned off by BMI of 24 of someone he "really loves". lol. Shallowness of men never ceases to amaze me.

[nyfan1992]

Haha I'm actually in great shape. I always have been. I'm extremely active and eat very well. I just said that I wanted to go on a diet so I made the issue about myself and didn't have to say she is putting on weight.

 

I find it hilarious that people on this thread are assuming nasty things about me and think I'm such a low life. You know nothing about me and because I am more attracted to skinny women that makes me a terrible person?

 

I went to one of the top universities in the country (top 25), earn a great salary at my age working for a startup in the mobile tech space, volunteer on weekends and tutor low income children, and respected well among my peers. I like to think I'm a good person. But no because I have a certain preference in body weight the rest gets all forgotten about and I am a terrible person? Give me a break.

[mrldii]

Haha I'm actually in great shape. I always have been. I'm extremely active and eat very well. I just said that I wanted to go on a diet so I made the issue about myself and didn't have to say she is putting on weight.

 

I find it hilarious that people on this thread are assuming nasty things about me and think I'm such a low life. You know nothing about me and because I am more attracted to skinny women that makes me a terrible person?

 

I went to one of the top universities in the country (top 25), earn a great salary at my age working for a startup in the mobile tech space, volunteer on weekends and tutor low income children, and respected well among my peers. I like to think I'm a good person. But no because I have a certain preference in body weight the rest gets all forgotten about and I am a terrible person? Give me a break.

 

For the record, I don't think you're a "horrible person". You prefer any woman you're with to be/remain "skinny", rather than to be/become "healthy"; that's your choice and your preference.

 

I simply stated that your body-weight issues are just that: your issues...and that you shouldn't make them hers.

 

You indicated you were bothered by all of it and asked for advice on what you should do; if - in fact - you are bothered by your body weight issues surrounding the women you date/relate with, you should get help with it. If you're not really bothered by it, then don't.

 

 

Best of luck when making your decision, OP.

[katiegrl]

Haha I'm actually in great shape. I always have been. I'm extremely active and eat very well. I just said that I wanted to go on a diet so I made the issue about myself and didn't have to say she is putting on weight.

 

I find it hilarious that people on this thread are assuming nasty things about me and think I'm such a low life. You know nothing about me and because I am more attracted to skinny women that makes me a terrible person?

 

I went to one of the top universities in the country (top 25), earn a great salary at my age working for a startup in the mobile tech space, volunteer on weekends and tutor low income children, and respected well among my peers. I like to think I'm a good person. But no because I have a certain preference in body weight the rest gets all forgotten about and I am a terrible person? Give me a break.

 

No one said you were a terrible person... come on now quit with the woe is me attitude

 

But being that you *claim* to be in love with your girlfriend ... but yet want to dump because she has gained some weight, makes you a bit of a *shallow* person, which you yourself admitted.

 

If you had just met her and were turned off, no one would be making these comments.

 

But since you claim to be in love with her, well, yeah that makes you appear to be a bit of arse to many if us.

 

But I am sure you have some redeeming qualities, good for you for volunteering!

[Lady2163]

Haha I'm actually in great shape. I always have been. I'm extremely active and eat very well. I just said that I wanted to go on a diet so I made the issue about myself and didn't have to say she is putting on weight.

 

I find it hilarious that people on this thread are assuming nasty things about me and think I'm such a low life. You know nothing about me and because I am more attracted to skinny women that makes me a terrible person?

 

I went to one of the top universities in the country (top 25), earn a great salary at my age working for a startup in the mobile tech space, volunteer on weekends and tutor low income children, and respected well among my peers. I like to think I'm a good person. But no because I have a certain preference in body weight the rest gets all forgotten about and I am a terrible person? Give me a break.

 

It's what you do next that determines how "great" you are.

 

The impression you're giving is that you're going to break up with her because she's no longer a size 0. You seem to think that because you have a good income for your age, volunteer, are attractive that you are "entitled" to a skinnier, more attractive woman. Maybe you don't mean to come across that way, but you are. You want to trade up because she no longer meets your physical standards.

 

I just got off the phone with an Army buddy and was telling him about this thread. His response? "Youre what my granny would have affectionately called 'farm fat' 50 years ago." Essentially, yup I'm overweight, yes I have both too large a belly and butt, but I'm the one you'd call to help do physical work.

 

I don't doubt a woman my age who works out regularly and is 60-80 pounds lighter could beat me in a mile race or 5 mile bicycle race. She could probably kick my ass in an obstacle course.

 

Your standards are going to be a battle for almost any woman you marry and have kids with. That baby weight seems to many to be even tougher to get rid of. A woman's body is rarely,the same after children. Are you going to ditch your wife because of unsightly stretch marks?

 

But she couldn't do what I do physically day in and day out. I'm not on a farm, but a few weeks ago I helped a friend haul and stack hay for four hours. There were also many 50 pound bags of feed. I don't know very many size zeros who could do that.

[thefooloftheyear]

At 23, her metabolism is still strong. Wait until she hits 30+, then add in a full time job, add in a couple of kids (pregnancy weight plus less time for exercise). Add in her lifestyle that she isn't willing to change.

 

It's interesting, as I've gotten older I have learned to see where a woman is heading physically over the years. Lots of women are attractive in their college age, but I can see the little hints that it's not going to hold up. If a girl has minor weight problems already when age is working in her favor, high chance she'll tip the scales in the coming years. Girls are naturally attractive when they are young with little to no effort. It's a bad lesson to learn. Then they feel entitled, but 30's roll around and they can't justify their picky attitude anymore.

 

Do yourself a favor, check out POF or OKC and compare how many women 30-40 have managed to keep a decent figure. The best, fit girls when they are young usually end up average by 30's. Totally fine and attractive still IMO. But, an overweight 23 y/o is going to be very overweight at 33.

 

 

Agreed....

 

However I think the problem is societal....and its getting worse...

 

There are plenty of 40 and 50 somethings that have wayyy better bodies than the 20 somethings....the main difference is that they didn't grow up in the time when technology made everyone into softies...

 

I dont go to the beach too often, I am simply amazed at the amount of young women with pretty bad bodies....Rolls of fat....sagging tits, cottage cheese asses and thighs...ugh...what are they gonna do when they hit their 40's??

 

It wasn't always this way.....Certainly wasnt when I was in my 20's(80's)...

 

OK, ladies, yeah....I know, guys are just as bad....

 

TFY