AMJ Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 TIB- being open to all outcomes means being open to dating and relationships. If you're not a dating or relationship guy, then you're not open to all outcomes. In one sentence you say you're not a dating or relationship guy, but then next you say you're not opposed to those things. That's like saying- I never want to eat grilled cheese sandwiches. But I'll consider eating one, maybe. 1
BikerAccnt Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 I've actually seen a woman's side to this on a dating site. She said this, just wants to date, meet multiple men, but has no intention of being exclusive with anyone. But, she said "I don't want to be an FWB or anything casual" This counters what the OP is looking for. IT's kind of the female version of the op, but, "You can pay for my dinners and the date, but I won't put out." lol That would be no fun for the OP obviously. So a WOMAN'S version of what the OP is entailing is everything, but the sex. I lol'd out loud on this one. I've seen something similar on women's profiles also. Interested in dating but nothing serious, no commitments. To me, like you, that means. WE can go out, have fun, you can kiss me goodnight...buy bye..see you. NEXT. Actually, I see nothing wrong with that. Most guys should realize, that if a woman wants to see multiple guys, she's most likely not going to be having sex with you, or them. Women, most, just don't think or operate that way. Casual dating to women, means something totally different than it does to most of us guys. 1
TheBathWater Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 (edited) TIB- being open to all outcomes means being open to dating and relationships. If you're not a dating or relationship guy, then you're not open to all outcomes. In one sentence you say you're not a dating or relationship guy, but then next you say you're not opposed to those things. That's like saying- I never want to eat grilled cheese sandwiches. But I'll consider eating one, maybe. Ha! That's a pretty funny analogy. A cheesy one, if you ask me But yes, I meant exactly what I said. Let me see if I can explain it a little differently... Most men and women enter into their interactions with a mindset and behavior that is based on getting something from the other person - a phone number, a second date, someone in their bed, etc... I see this as manipulative at worst, and dishonest at best, albeit unintentionally so. What I am saying is that, at least for me, when I erase the whole notion of dating and relationships and "this is the way it should be" then it changes the nature of the whole interaction. My mindset is different. My behavior is different. I'm not operating from a place of someone who is looking to date or get into a commitment, so I have nothing to lose (literally), and I feel I start interacting from a place of honesty and authenticity, and she does too, because I tell her who I am and what I'm about and it literally erases all the games from the interaction that are otherwise there. The objective switches from all the other stuff (get another date, get her in bed, get her to marry me, etc...) to simply being present right there with her, completely present. There's a difference between being there and being present. Most of us are not present in our interactions. Sure, a relationship could develop. I would love that! Are you kidding? But if it does, it's not going to be because we planned it out and said "I'm with you now and I'll be with you in December" and December rolls around and we're here. That brings the interactions back to the same old stuff for me where people are not in the moment and are interacting based on something else that's not here yet. It's a Buddhist kind of way of romance, in a sense. But am I going to pursue it or try to manipulate the interaction so it goes in that direction? No. That's what I used to do, that's probably what she normally does, and that's what most of us do, whether we realize it consciously or not. This definitely doesn't work for everyone, but it works for me right now. Edited July 5, 2016 by TunaInTheBrine 1
katiegrl Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 (edited) Ha! That's a pretty funny analogy. A cheesy one, if you ask me But yes, I meant exactly what I said. Let me see if I can explain it a little differently... Most men and women enter into their interactions with a mindset and behavior that is based on getting something from the other person - a phone number, a second date, someone in their bed, etc... I see this as manipulative at worst, and dishonest at best, albeit unintentionally so. What I am saying is that, at least for me, when I erase the whole notion of dating and relationships and "this is the way it should be" then it changes the nature of the whole interaction. My mindset is different. My behavior is different. I'm not operating from a place of someone who is looking to date or get into a commitment, so I have nothing to lose (literally), and I feel I start interacting from a place of honesty and authenticity, and she does too, because I tell her who I am and what I'm about and it literally erases all the games from the interaction that are otherwise there. The objective switches from all the other stuff (get another date, get her in bed, get her to marry me, etc...) to simply being present right there with her, completely present. There's a difference between being there and being present. Most of us are not present in our interactions. Sure, a relationship could develop. I would love that! Are you kidding? But if it does, it's not going to be because we planned it out and said "I'm with you now and I'll be with you in December" and December rolls around and we're here. That brings the interactions back to the same old stuff for me where people are not in the moment and are interacting based on something else that's not here yet. It's a Buddhist kind of way of romance, in a sense. But am I going to pursue it or try to manipulate the interaction so it goes in that direction? No. That's what I used to do, that's probably what she normally does, and that's what most of us do, whether we realize it consciously or not. This definitely doesn't work for everyone, but it works for me right now. In other words, you are NOT attached to the outcome.... you simply enjoy it for what it is, and wherever that leads, you are open to it. But a "relationship" is not your end goal. I totally get it, and although I am a woman, that is how I look at dating and relationships too. That is why I would never ask a man "what do you want?" or "what are you looking for." What a loaded question, what's he gonna say? Ironically though, with this attitude, of not being attached to the outcome, you become more relaxed about it, have less expectations, less rules... you are more fun, carefree, spontaneous... which ends up resulting in your becoming a more appealing and attractive person! Which results in the other person wanting to have a RL with you! Funny how that works.... For me anyway. IMO... we all date casually at first anyway, until we decide this particular person is special enough that I want to take it to the next level. People have become far too intense about it IMO. Relax! Enjoy the process.... the dance! It's soooo much more fun that way. Just my $.02. Edited July 5, 2016 by katiegrl 2
TheBathWater Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 In other words, you are NOT attached to the outcome.... you simply enjoy it for what it is, and wherever that leads, you are open to it. But a "relationship" is not your end goal. I totally get it, and although I am a woman, that is how I look at dating and relationships too. That is why I would never ask a man "what do you want?" or "what are you looking for." What a loaded question, what's he gonna say? Ironically though, with this attitude, of not being attached to the outcome, you become more relaxed about it, have less expectations, less rules... you are more fun, carefree, spontaneous... which ends up resulting in your becoming a more appealing and attractive person! Which results in the other person wanting to have a RL with you! Funny how that works.... For me anyway. IMO... we all date casually at first anyway, until we decide this particular person is special enough that I want to take it to the next level. People have become far too intense about it IMO. Relax! Enjoy the process.... the dance! It's soooo much more fun that way. Just my $.02. See OP? There are women who are on our side. They 'get it'. They just don't hear many guys explain it.
LookAtThisPOst Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 I lol'd out loud on this one. I've seen something similar on women's profiles also. Interested in dating but nothing serious, no commitments. To me, like you, that means. WE can go out, have fun, you can kiss me goodnight...buy bye..see you. NEXT. Actually, I see nothing wrong with that. Most guys should realize, that if a woman wants to see multiple guys, she's most likely not going to be having sex with you, or them. Women, most, just don't think or operate that way. Casual dating to women, means something totally different than it does to most of us guys. I think some women do this as they are ANTICIPATING a man taking possession of them somewhat quickly. I hear stories of women, even women who have met men in real life and went out with them, already asking to move in with them or...would get too close to their personal bubbles at parties and public venues. Sometimes I wonder if it's a sh**t test to see if you're not ALL over them so quickly. I recall a guy calling a woman "Honey" and "Sweetie" when on a first date, wierded her out. So maybe this is some kind of pre-emptive method of toning things down BEFORE they even meet in person. Though, I meet a lot of women that told me that they "hate dating" in general. I knew of a woman that lived by this, and every guy she got into a relationship...she never "dated" them, but just knew them through friendship groups/social circles over a long period of time. She just went straight into an exclusive relationship with them, but only after knowing them for a while. Well, they did had "first dates" obviously, but their first dates were with people they knew for a long time, not cold turkey encounters.
LookAtThisPOst Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 (edited) TIB- being open to all outcomes means being open to dating and relationships. If you're not a dating or relationship guy, then you're not open to all outcomes. In one sentence you say you're not a dating or relationship guy, but then next you say you're not opposed to those things. That's like saying- I never want to eat grilled cheese sandwiches. But I'll consider eating one, maybe. You know what, there's a common theme I AM noticing in these threads when it comes to "casual" dating especially. They make a long enough sentence, they wind up contradicting themselves and they don't even realize it! LOL It starts to sound like that Abbot and Costello comedy baseball bit of "Who's on first..." With dialogue like, "blah blah blah, but I'm not OPPOSED to it...blah blah blah." I see the "not opposed to it" phrased uttered a lot on here. I feel like a detective in a movie, "So you which story are you going with?" I recall seeing a headline saying, "You better date with a purpose in mind." Meaning relationship or even marriage-mindedness. Edited July 5, 2016 by LookAtThisPOst 1
TheBathWater Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 You know what, there's a common theme I AM noticing in these threads when it comes to "casual" dating especially. They make a long enough sentence, they wind up contradicting themselves and they don't even realize it! LOL Not sure if you're referring to me, but I absolutely understand what I'm saying. Do you? If you read katigirl's last thread, I think she explains the paradoxical nature of what I'm saying beautifully. Maybe I'm just too philosophical for more concrete or categorical thinkers. Wouldn't be the first time I've heard this sort of thing. That's alright by me.
LookAtThisPOst Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 Most men and women enter into their interactions with a mindset and behavior that is based on getting something from the other person - a phone number, a second date, someone in their bed, etc... I see this as manipulative at worst, and dishonest at best, albeit unintentionally so. This reminds me of a couple that was in a relationship for about, say, 2 years. Woman was over 40, never married no kids. The boyfriend was divorced, no kids. Well, 2 years into the relationship...she was hinting around at marriage. He had no intention of getting married. She called it off. So when one of them entered the relationship, one of them wanted one thing...marriage. Either: 1. He gave her the impression that he wanted to get married again, when they started dating, but later "changed his mind." 2. He told her up front that he never wanted to re-marry, but...she thought that as feelings developed over time that he would change his mind. #2 HAS happened, in fact, I witnessed a man who was involved with a woman, but simply fell for her head over heals and gave his testimonial on Facebook on how he went about proposing to her, citing that he was totally against the construct of marriage, but somehow this woman was great enough to change his attitude.
TheBathWater Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 This reminds me of a couple that was in a relationship for about, say, 2 years. Woman was over 40, never married no kids. The boyfriend was divorced, no kids. Well, 2 years into the relationship...she was hinting around at marriage. He had no intention of getting married. She called it off. So when one of them entered the relationship, one of them wanted one thing...marriage. Either: 1. He gave her the impression that he wanted to get married again, when they started dating, but later "changed his mind." 2. He told her up front that he never wanted to re-marry, but...she thought that as feelings developed over time that he would change his mind. #2 HAS happened, in fact, I witnessed a man who was involved with a woman, but simply fell for her head over heals and gave his testimonial on Facebook on how he went about proposing to her, citing that he was totally against the construct of marriage, but somehow this woman was great enough to change his attitude. I expect it is likely a woman's feelings will change over time. Even mine could. Nothing is contractual. But yeah, I wouldn't mislead. I advocate honesty all the way through. And girls who want to keep hanging around me who know what I am about, thinking they will change me, I may let them down gently. Had a woman I was out with a few weeks ago who was very religious and very intrigued by me. But she kept thinking I would change and she could reel me into a relationship. I understood that's what she wanted, and I respect that, but to me it felt like her motives made each of our interactions less honest and I wasn't going to hang around a minute longer. Kiss on the forehead, and safe travels.
koroma Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 I am tired of been single, I want to meet someone who is ready for serious love.
katiegrl Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 (edited) This reminds me of a couple that was in a relationship for about, say, 2 years. Woman was over 40, never married no kids. The boyfriend was divorced, no kids. Well, 2 years into the relationship...she was hinting around at marriage. He had no intention of getting married. She called it off. So when one of them entered the relationship, one of them wanted one thing...marriage. Either: 1. He gave her the impression that he wanted to get married again, when they started dating, but later "changed his mind." 2. He told her up front that he never wanted to re-marry, but...she thought that as feelings developed over time that he would change his mind. #2 HAS happened, in fact, I witnessed a man who was involved with a woman, but simply fell for her head over heals and gave his testimonial on Facebook on how he went about proposing to her, citing that he was totally against the construct of marriage, but somehow this woman was great enough to change his attitude. With respect to bolded.... he may have entered into the RL open to or even wanting to getting married, but realized after a while, he did not wish to marry her. IMO, a man may have the desire to get married... but doesn't want to get married until such time he meets a woman he actually wants to marry! Re the women he does not want to marry.... they feel misled, lied to etc, claiming he NEVER wanted to get married all along, from the getgo and he deceived them. Not true, in many, if not most cases, he just did not want to marry her. Granted he probably should have left once he realized this, and many men do.... but many men don't and that is wrong too. In fact, this is happening to one of my gfs right now. They have been dating three years, she has been wanting to get married (to him) for 1.5 years. He keeps putting her off.... she gave him a sort of ultimatum, but that date passed and she is still with him! Hoping he will marry her next April. I doubt he ever will, but she continues to hang in. What's interesting is that many of these guys who dated a particular woman for YEARS but did not wish to marry her, after they break up, he turns around and marries the next woman within a year or two. Happens all the time! Happened to my brother! We all thought he was a huge commitment phobe, going from one LTR to another.... until he met a woman last year (with a child no less!) and he married her June 11th, less than one year after they met! Edited July 5, 2016 by katiegrl
LookAtThisPOst Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 With respect to bolded.... he may have entered into the RL open to or even wanting to getting married, but realized after a while, he did not wish to marry her. IMO, a man may have the desire to get married... but doesn't want to get married until such time he meets a woman he actually wants to marry! Re the women he does not want to marry.... they feel misled, lied to etc, claiming he NEVER wanted to get married all along, from the getgo and he deceived them. Not true, in many, if not most cases, he just did not want to marry her. Granted he probably should have left once he realized this, and many men do.... but many men don't and that is wrong too. In fact, this is happening to one of my gfs right now. They have been dating three years, she has been wanting to get married (to him) for 1.5 years. He keeps putting her off.... she gave him a sort of ultimatum, but that date passed and she is still with him! Hoping he will marry her next April. I doubt he ever will, but she continues to hang in. What's interesting is that many of these guys who dated a particular woman for YEARS but did not wish to marry her, after they break up, he turns around and marries the next woman within a year or two. Happens all the time! Happened to my brother! We all thought he was a huge commitment phobe, going from one LTR to another.... until he met a woman last year (with a child no less!) and he married her June 11th, less than one year after they met! Kind of reminds me that movie with, I think, Ryan Reynolds, apparently he was a single guy, considered a good luck charm to women who want to get married. Basically, if they slept with him, they'd wind up married to another guy the next day. Anyways, regarding your post, kind of funny how that happens. I don't mean to sound crass, but why do people stay in relationships that long? Is it just the routine sex and human contact that's required of some of these people, but just not ENOUGH to wed them? In a sense, it's a girlfriend/friends with benefits if you look at it...in hindsight. I recall a woman that I went out with, got out of relationship with a guy of 11 years, never married...but I'm like, that's like having a room mate apparently after a time, but hey, at least you're getting sex and intimacy. I knew of a woman where she had a GUY that kept hinting at marriage with her, she said that she LIKES him, but could never picture living under the same roof with him. She said, "I have friends that I like a lot, but...I wouldn't want them living with me 24/7!" So she compared him to that situation. He eventually dumped her, and guess what...she was okay with it. I guess the booty calls every other weekend were good enough till, it wasn't fulfilling anymore?
KatZee Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 I'd definitely be upfront and honest. Not all this BS beating around the bush nonsense. Say what you mean, mean what you say. If you don't want a relationship, say so. If you want a ONS, say so. The ones who will ghost you are those looking for actual relationships. I'm 32 years old. I've been asked that question a lot. My answer always is: I'm looking for a serious relationship. I'm past the age to date for s.hits and giggles. I'm past the age where people date with no direction and who date whoever approaches them. When I meet people, I'm going in with a mindset of what I'm looking for, and what I need someone to show me. Are they ready for a real relationship? Are they dating with intention as well? If not, I cut 'em loose. No point. But I can't tell you the amount of people who have said to me: "I'm looking for a relationship as well." And then proceed to date me months and months, but never take steps to make it a REAL relationship, instead, sit on the fence of "situationship," expect me to act like a girlfriend, be faithful like a girlfriend, get the perks of having a girlfriend, all while going out and banging other women. No. Online dating is chock full of liars, shady people, sneaky people, and apparently tons on there are actually married but portray themselves as single. I don't take online dating seriously at all anymore, I deleted my accounts months ago and have no intention of ever going back. The progression of online dating is this: Taboo ---> An actual legitimate way to meet for relationships ---> A breeding ground for dysfunction, broken people, deception.
TheBathWater Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 But I can't tell you the amount of people who have said to me: "I'm looking for a relationship as well." And then proceed to date me months and months, but never take steps to make it a REAL relationship, instead, sit on the fence of "situationship," expect me to act like a girlfriend, be faithful like a girlfriend, get the perks of having a girlfriend, all while going out and banging other women. No. Online dating is chock full of liars, shady people, sneaky people, and apparently tons on there are actually married but portray themselves as single. I don't take online dating seriously at all anymore, I deleted my accounts months ago and have no intention of ever going back. The progression of online dating is this: Taboo ---> An actual legitimate way to meet for relationships ---> A breeding ground for dysfunction, broken people, deception. All very true. I just made a reply to a post yesterday about online dating and basically said the same thing. It really has gone downhill fast.
katiegrl Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 Kind of reminds me that movie with, I think, Ryan Reynolds, apparently he was a single guy, considered a good luck charm to women who want to get married. Basically, if they slept with him, they'd wind up married to another guy the next day. Anyways, regarding your post, kind of funny how that happens. I don't mean to sound crass, but why do people stay in relationships that long? Is it just the routine sex and human contact that's required of some of these people, but just not ENOUGH to wed them? I was with my ex for six years (we lived together), but believe it or not, I was the one who didn't want to get married. He kept asking me for years, finally I agreed and we got engaged. Was super excited actually, planning a beautiful wedding in HI for this year. But then he got into hard drugs (meth and coke -- long story see my previous threads), so I ended it. Many couples stay together in LTR because they just don't believe in the institution of marriage in general, and/or because they don't need that piece of paper to feel committed which is how it was for me. My commitment comes from within my heart.... but I admit I also have issues re marriage probably due to my parents' nasty divorce. If both don't want it or need it, that's fine, it only becomes an issue when one person wants it and other does not. My ex was totally cool with my not wanting it, he knew I loved him and was totally committed, I think this is where men may differ from women. But then again women want marriage because they are the ones bearing children, so they can't wait too long otherwise having kids becomes a problem for them.
katiegrl Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 (edited) ? We But I can't tell you the amount of people who have said to me: "I'm looking for a relationship as well." And then proceed to date me months and months, but never take steps to make it a REAL relationship, instead, sit on the fence of "situationship," expect me to act like a girlfriend, be faithful like a girlfriend, get the perks of having a girlfriend, all while going out and banging other women. No. No offense to you, but perhaps they just didn't want a relationship with you. Isn't that how it works? We date someone to determine whether or not we want a RL with that particular person? Granted, as I said before, these guys should not have strung you along like that, THAT was definitely wrong! Anyway....if, after weeks or months, these guys don't want a RL with you, then leave. Stop acting like a girlfriend if you are not being treated as one. Especially if they are out there banging other women. I know you know this now KZ, just repeating for other women in the same situation. Did you read my post re my brother? Went from one pseudo-LTR to another, then met a woman who knocked his socks off in every respect... got into a RL with her immediately, and he married her less than one year after they met. Edited July 5, 2016 by katiegrl
tinkerbell16 Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 Right, but I think you're playing with fire when people can honestlly, esp. women, wind up developing feelings afterwards and then some come on here, "We tried doing the FWB thing, but I developed feelings for him." It's just playing with fire as I don't think people are entirely honest about having a no-strings situation, esp. women. I agree. I think many women think they can do the ONS or NSA but they get attached. Sex releases chemicals that start the bonding process. It's evolutionary science. I don't mess around with FWB, ONS or NSA sex because I know it is playing with fire. Same reason I don't touch cigarettes... Both are hot, addicting and high risk of burns lol
tinkerbell16 Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 Ha! That's a pretty funny analogy. A cheesy one, if you ask me But yes, I meant exactly what I said. Let me see if I can explain it a little differently... Most men and women enter into their interactions with a mindset and behavior that is based on getting something from the other person - a phone number, a second date, someone in their bed, etc... I see this as manipulative at worst, and dishonest at best, albeit unintentionally so. What I am saying is that, at least for me, when I erase the whole notion of dating and relationships and "this is the way it should be" then it changes the nature of the whole interaction. My mindset is different. My behavior is different. I'm not operating from a place of someone who is looking to date or get into a commitment, so I have nothing to lose (literally), and I feel I start interacting from a place of honesty and authenticity, and she does too, because I tell her who I am and what I'm about and it literally erases all the games from the interaction that are otherwise there. The objective switches from all the other stuff (get another date, get her in bed, get her to marry me, etc...) to simply being present right there with her, completely present. There's a difference between being there and being present. Most of us are not present in our interactions. Sure, a relationship could develop. I would love that! Are you kidding? But if it does, it's not going to be because we planned it out and said "I'm with you now and I'll be with you in December" and December rolls around and we're here. That brings the interactions back to the same old stuff for me where people are not in the moment and are interacting based on something else that's not here yet. It's a Buddhist kind of way of romance, in a sense. But am I going to pursue it or try to manipulate the interaction so it goes in that direction? No. That's what I used to do, that's probably what she normally does, and that's what most of us do, whether we realize it consciously or not. This definitely doesn't work for everyone, but it works for me right now. wha??? didn't you state you are no way a relationship guy in a previous post then here you say you would love one? so how do you want your grill cheese well toasted or lightly browned?
LookAtThisPOst Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 ? We No offense to you, but perhaps they just didn't want a relationship with you. Isn't that how it works? We date someone to determine whether or not we want a RL with that particular person? Granted, as I said before, these guys should not have strung you along like that, THAT was definitely wrong! Anyway....if, after weeks or months, these guys don't want a RL with you, then leave. Stop acting like a girlfriend if you are not being treated as one. Especially if they are out there banging other women. I know you know this now KZ, just repeating for other women in the same situation. Did you read my post re my brother? Went from one pseudo-LTR to another, then met a woman who knocked his socks off in every respect... got into a RL with her immediately, and he married her less than one year after they met. Katie, I'd like for you to give this a read. This is written by a high school friend. She's now a successful professional woman living in NYC, originally from a back water town in the 80s. Was wondering what you make of it... Why I'll Never Get Married Again - Motto She basically says though that she likes being single, but occasionally...having someone (a boyfriend) in your life is also nice, but she'll never marry again. She was married at 20, divorced at 30, had her kid at 16-ish (young yes). She's 40 now...and figured since she has done the marriage thing and a grown daughter, I think she sees it as more of a check on the bucket list if anything. But she does add some reasons why it's pointless for her to marry again, mainly because people change as they get older. From the age of 20 to 30, during her marriage, both people's views and lifestyles completely changed as they matured and she feels that another marriage, it would inevitbly happen again. Not sure this is defeatism on her part, claiming she'll NEVER marry again.
MissBee Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 So I've been asked this question a few different ways from tinder / bumble matches. What are you looking for? The truth is, I'm not looking for a serious relationship right now. I'm looking to meet people and if we click then maybe get into something casual. Or a ONS depending on the situation. Their is always the chance that I will meet someone that knocks my socks off, and completely changes my mind about not wanting anything longterm. Thing is, if I say something like that, it scares off most people. They probably pigeon hole me as a creep. At the same time, I don't want to lead anybody on, and outright lie. I'm sure there are many guys here that are in a similar situation. What do you say? Why would someone think you're a creep? You don't have to say you're looking for a one night stand...leave that part out. But everything else is fine. Saying you're not looking for a serious relationship but want something casual, to hang out etc. is a good way to go. It allows women who are looking for more to decline getting involved and allows those who want the same thing to continue on, and everyone is on the same page.
LookAtThisPOst Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 I think the casual phrasing of "wanting something casual" has to be put in the words where an intelligent woman can't even take it the wrong way. If said incorrectly, you might get a sneer and a serious judgemental, snarky comment from her saying, "Oh, you're one of those players into that whole 'no strings' crap! Talk to the hand!" As she puts her index finger and thumb with a shape...of an "L"...on her forehead!" (*breaks into song*, lol)
AMJ Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 Not sure if you're referring to me, but I absolutely understand what I'm saying. Do you? If you read katigirl's last thread, I think she explains the paradoxical nature of what I'm saying beautifully. Maybe I'm just too philosophical for more concrete or categorical thinkers. Wouldn't be the first time I've heard this sort of thing. That's alright by me. You're saying that you disagree with going into meeting a new woman with any preconceived intentions, because searching for a relationship or sex or whatever makes people act disingenuous. You want to be authentic and just let whatever happens happen. I think that's great. What is confusing, though, is saying that you don't want a relationship, when the truth is, you DO- but not until you find the perfect mate. Anyway, back to Joseb's question about how to answer this awkward question- I don't think you need to spell it out for anyone on a first date. What you're looking for is your business. I'd say something like 'Just meeting new people to see what happens" and change the subject.
TheBathWater Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 (edited) You know, Harville Hendrix (a marriage and family therapist) once wrote that he advised a single man who was trying to practice honest emotional expression to tell women what he really wanted from them, which at the time was just nurturing, companionship, and sex. He did. Not all women were on board with something casual like that, but some were, and all had massive respect for him and his honesty. IME, women never get offended if you find them attractive and want to have sex with them. You can even say it to them. As long as you don't act entitled to it, and she feels beautiful, you will be respected for your honesty and she'll never forget that moment with you, if nothing else. Gives her something to fantasize about it when she settles down one day with one of these dudes who promise her the world and then years later acts more interested in the football game on tv. Edited July 6, 2016 by TunaInTheBrine
LookAtThisPOst Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 You're saying that you disagree with going into meeting a new woman with any preconceived intentions, because searching for a relationship or sex or whatever makes people act disingenuous. You want to be authentic and just let whatever happens happen. I think that's great. I think this is a practice in attempting to convince yourself that you are "not looking" when deep down, you are. I think some people are putting an effort to appear that they are "not looking", so it seems forced. I know of some women that can honestly say they ARE looking and are completely honest about it. These women are confused by the types one of the posters mentions as, "not looking, but open to the possibility, but dont' have expectations" They scratch their heads at them and give puzzled looks and judge him/her as a "player" pretty much. Just saying, prepare to be judged as a player or commitment phobe if you're trying to not appear as if you're not looking or wavering between something casual and something serious, Tuna in the Brine. Usually if they aren't on the same page as you, they probably point at you, Tuna and yell "Playa!!" I don't mean anything buy it, but I think I recalled I had a time in my life where I wasn't really "looking"...and when a woman asked me "What was looking for" and I said, "Well, I'm just playing it by ear, not looking for anything serious at the moment, but if something happens, then great." I even got that strange look from women and labeled as a player. lol
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