What are you looking for on here?

[joseb]

So I've been asked this question a few different ways from tinder / bumble matches.

 

What are you looking for?

 

The truth is, I'm not looking for a serious relationship right now. I'm looking to meet people and if we click then maybe get into something casual. Or a ONS depending on the situation. Their is always the chance that I will meet someone that knocks my socks off, and completely changes my mind about not wanting anything longterm.

 

Thing is, if I say something like that, it scares off most people. They probably pigeon hole me as a creep. At the same time, I don't want to lead anybody on, and outright lie.

 

I'm sure there are many guys here that are in a similar situation.

What do you say?

[angel.eyes]

You should be honest. The only people you're scaring off are the ones looking for something serious and/or a long-term relationship.

[phineas]

I came up with this and it seems to satisfy most women and is the truth.

 

"i'm looking for one woman to have fun with exclusively until it implodes or turns into a relationship"

 

I was drinking at the time I was messaging the first woman i sent it to and just being a smart-ass but most women seem to like it because only one i've used it on stopped talking to me.

[Jabron1]

"Dating until I find someone that I click with."

[SwordofFlame]

"Dating until I find someone that I click with."

 

Agree. I really don't think there's much difference in the beginnings of a casual relationship vs long term serious relationships.

[Lady2163]

I've kind of given up on OLD simce I want a relationship and it seems awfully hard to click with people. I'm overweight, so my personality is my primary positive trait. OLD is so visual and people have no trouble being discourteous with follow up since there are no consequences.

 

Just recently a friend of mine had an OLD date. She's had three kids, so she has some sagging an extra pounds. Her pictures were recent, but definitely meant to show her positive physical traits.

 

She meets the guy, he takes one look at her and says, "Oh, hell NO!" And left the coffee shop without ordering. He messaged her later and told her he was sorry, but he was looking for a specific type and she wasn't it. She bluntly told him he was no prize in the looks department. His profile said 5'7 and at 5'6 she was taller than he was. He has a receding hairline that was covered up by a ballcap.

 

I'm getting ready to move to a city that has active meetup groups. I'm hoping that visually meeting and having other people around, plus an activity will help get someone to know me and be interested in spite of the fact I'm not Barbie.

 

I've spent some time swinging in my past. I'd probably avoid a man from OLD who just wanted a ONS or to only "have fun". I can go to a swingers party and get the same thing. Plus, if it's in a hotel, I don't have to play hostess, clean up or venture into an unkempt apartment.

[phineas]

Agree. I really don't think there's much difference in the beginnings of a casual relationship vs long term serious relationships.

 

There isn't but women who just want to hook up don't want to admit it and seem to need to pretend they are looking for a relationship so they can say "it just happened" when they sleep with a guy first date then move onto the next.

 

so these types of responses work well.

 

and yes, i've met plenty of women online who are just looking for sex.

[Eternal Sunshine]

All of the suggestions sound like telling women what they want to hear in a round about way, so that you kind of cover yourself too. It's dishonest and deceitful.

 

There is nothing creepy about wanting something casual but most women want a relationship and are not going to be interested. They need to know not to waste their time...so how about just saying "I am not looking for anything serious right now".

[katiegrl]

So I've been asked this question a few different ways from tinder / bumble matches.

 

What are you looking for?

 

The truth is, I'm not looking for a serious relationship right now. I'm looking to meet people and if we click then maybe get into something casual. Or a ONS depending on the situation. Their is always the chance that I will meet someone that knocks my socks off, and completely changes my mind about not wanting anything longterm.

 

Thing is, if I say something like that, it scares off most people. They probably pigeon hole me as a creep. At the same time, I don't want to lead anybody on, and outright lie.

 

I'm sure there are many guys here that are in a similar situation.

What do you say?

 

joseb, you are one of the coolest guys on this forum, if not *the* coolest imo.

 

I love your answer, it's honest and direct!

 

If I had asked that question, which I would NOT by the way, at least not right away, my response back to your saying you are not looking for anything serious would be:

 

"What if you met a chick who totally knocked your socks off? With whom you totally clicked, felt super high chemistry with, AND were compatible?

 

What would happen then, would you run from her, cuz you don't want anything serious?"

 

I like to probe a bit, not in an accusatory way or in an intrusive way, but your response about not wanting anything serious was a bit loaded so my natural inclination would be to dig deeper to see where that was coming from.

 

Your response to that question would be very telling and would probably lead to a very interesting conversation if nothing else!!

 

In any event, continue being honest and direct and let the chips fall where they may.

Edited July 3, 2016 by katiegrl

[JuanDelToro]

Just be upfront and honest mate, if they pigeon hole you it's their problem. Have you ever checked other guys profiles? Do so as it'll give you a good perspective of the competition; and a good laugh I might add. The weirdness is strong in this city.

[PogoStick]

I'm getting ready to move to a city that has active meetup groups. I'm hoping that visually meeting and having other people around, plus an activity will help get someone to know me and be interested in spite of the fact I'm not Barbie.

 

That's an excellent idea. I'm a meetup fan and think it's a great alternative to OLD. I'm moving in a month to a major metro and looking forward to real meetups!

[tinkerbell16]

So I've been asked this question a few different ways from tinder / bumble matches.

 

What are you looking for?

 

The truth is, I'm not looking for a serious relationship right now. I'm looking to meet people and if we click then maybe get into something casual. Or a ONS depending on the situation. Their is always the chance that I will meet someone that knocks my socks off, and completely changes my mind about not wanting anything longterm.

 

Thing is, if I say something like that, it scares off most people. They probably pigeon hole me as a creep. At the same time, I don't want to lead anybody on, and outright lie.

 

I'm sure there are many guys here that are in a similar situation.

What do you say?

 

Honesty is such a turn on!!! I am not personally into ons but it is absolutely wonderful you are honest about where you stand so women like myself can make informed decisions about how to proceed. I hate liars and players. Had to get really savvy at spotting them early on because I tend to attract them.

 

Keep being honest. I don't see it as creepy at all.. Being true to yourself is always the best way to go.

Edited July 3, 2016 by tinkerbell16

[tinkerbell16]

So I've been asked this question a few different ways from tinder / bumble matches.

 

What are you looking for?

 

The truth is, I'm not looking for a serious relationship right now. I'm looking to meet people and if we click then maybe get into something casual. Or a ONS depending on the situation. Their is always the chance that I will meet someone that knocks my socks off, and

 

Thing is, if I say something like that, it scares off most people. They probably pigeon hole me as a creep. At the same time, I don't want to lead anybody on, and outright lie.

 

I'm sure there are many guys here that are in a similar situation.

What do

[joseb]

joseb, you are one of the coolest guys on this forum, if not *the* coolest imo.

Awww Katie, so sweet!

 

You're ok too

[Hamish57a]

Why am I here? Hoping to figure out what I've been doing wrong and to hopefully help some people and my self with being honest about what I've been doing wrong and correct them until I meet my last relationship:

[LookAtThisPOst]

So I've been asked this question a few different ways from tinder / bumble matches.

 

What are you looking for?

 

The truth is, I'm not looking for a serious relationship right now. I'm looking to meet people and if we click then maybe get into something casual. Or a ONS depending on the situation. Their is always the chance that I will meet someone that knocks my socks off, and completely changes my mind about not wanting anything longterm.

 

You'll probably struggle finding that as most women aren't looking for what you're looking for, "i.e a ONS", I would say like over good amount of women explicitly state this IN their profiles to the point of having been offended at the amount of emails they've been getting from men wanting this.

 

All of the suggestions sound like telling women what they want to hear in a round about way, so that you kind of cover yourself too. It's dishonest and deceitful.

 

There is nothing creepy about wanting something casual but most women want a relationship and are not going to be interested. They need to know not to waste their time...so how about just saying "I am not looking for anything serious right now".

 

Exactly, I heard a woman actually put an "update" in her profile, stating that she's finding men that do this. They come off coming across men that say they want something exclusive, but these ladies are perceptive enough to pickup that the guy just wants sex.

 

You can sugar coat it in a long "what you're looking for" in a man/woman sentence(seems like man seeking woman in the OPs case). It's like you're attaching disclaimers to the point where it sounds wishy-washy.

 

Honesty is such a turn on!!!

 

Right, you can be honest about wanting something casual or an ONS, but you'll rarely find a woman that will be into ONS's.

Edited July 4, 2016 by LookAtThisPOst

[LookAtThisPOst]

"I am not looking for anything serious right now".

 

I've actually seen a woman's side to this on a dating site. She said this, just wants to date, meet multiple men, but has no intention of being exclusive with anyone.

 

But, she said "I don't want to be an FWB or anything casual"

 

This counters what the OP is looking for. IT's kind of the female version of the op, but, "You can pay for my dinners and the date, but I won't put out."

lol

 

That would be no fun for the OP obviously.

 

 

So a WOMAN'S version of what the OP is entailing is everything, but the sex.

[tinkerbell16]

You'll probably struggle finding that as most women aren't looking for what you're looking for, "i.e a ONS", I would say like over good amount of women explicitly state this IN their profiles to the point of having been offended at the amount of emails they've been getting from men wanting this.

 

 

 

Exactly, I heard a woman actually put an "update" in her profile, stating that she's finding men that do this. They come off coming across men that say they want something exclusive, but these ladies are perceptive enough to pickup that the guy just wants sex.

 

You can sugar coat it in a long "what you're looking for" in a man/woman sentence(seems like man seeking woman in the OPs case). It's like you're attaching disclaimers to the point where it sounds wishy-washy.

 

 

 

Right, you can be honest about wanting something casual or an ONS, but you'll rarely find a woman that will be into ONS's.

 

 

That may be true but the drama caused by being dishonest hardly seems worth it. There are plenty of apps that can get guys and girls easy sex. Honesty is the best policy. Keeps everyone in their appropriate "play ground" and much less guilt and pain being spread.

[LookAtThisPOst]

That may be true but the drama caused by being dishonest hardly seems worth it. There are plenty of apps that can get guys and girls easy sex. Honesty is the best policy. Keeps everyone in their appropriate "play ground" and much less guilt and pain being spread.

 

Right, but I think you're playing with fire when people can honestlly, esp. women, wind up developing feelings afterwards and then some come on here,

 

"We tried doing the FWB thing, but I developed feelings for him."

 

It's just playing with fire as I don't think people are entirely honest about having a no-strings situation, esp. women.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I've kind of given up on OLD simce I want a relationship and it seems awfully hard to click with people. I'm overweight, so my personality is my primary positive trait. OLD is so visual and people have no trouble being discourteous with follow up since there are no consequences.

 

Just recently a friend of mine had an OLD date. She's had three kids, so she has some sagging an extra pounds. Her pictures were recent, but definitely meant to show her positive physical traits.

 

She meets the guy, he takes one look at her and says, "Oh, hell NO!" And left the coffee shop without ordering. He messaged her later and told her he was sorry, but he was looking for a specific type and she wasn't it. She bluntly told him he was no prize in the looks department. His profile said 5'7 and at 5'6 she was taller than he was. He has a receding hairline that was covered up by a ballcap.

 

I'm getting ready to move to a city that has active meetup groups. I'm hoping that visually meeting and having other people around, plus an activity will help get someone to know me and be interested in spite of the fact I'm not Barbie.

 

I've spent some time swinging in my past. I'd probably avoid a man from OLD who just wanted a ONS or to only "have fun". I can go to a swingers party and get the same thing. Plus, if it's in a hotel, I don't have to play hostess, clean up or venture into an unkempt apartment.

 

Believe it or not, at the Meetups I HAVE heard of men, in person, attempting to proposition them for a FWB opportunity. No strings, some were appalled for them asking and word got around about these guys trying to make an attempt.

 

Their reputation got around and you don't want to be THAT guy/creep of the Meetup.

[BrownEyedGurl1]

This thread pretty much sums up one of the biggest reasons I don't like OLD. So many men looking for something casual and trying to find a way to word it to make it not seem that bad. Essentially, to be dishonest and attract more women to sex with because being honest limits your options. Ive dealt with so many men doing this to me, a complete waste of my time and they have crappy character.

 

Tell them upfront. I can think of three women I know off the top of my head not looking for a relationship and want casual relations, I'm sure there are some online. The problem is you wont get as much attention and will get rejected more. Don't lie and hurt others to satisfy your needs.

[AMJ]

Pretty much the last 5 guys I've been out with are on exactly the same page as you, Joseb.

Obviously there's nothing wrong with just wanting something casual. But I think what's a little frustrating from my (maybe other women too) perspective is that if you are "open" to something more serious with someone who blows you away, how will you know if that person blows you away until you get to know them?

 

Online dating is already the least romantic or exciting way to meet people, so your first meet is less than stellar for that reason alone. I've experienced love/lust at first sight more than once in my life, so I do believe it exists, but those type of fireworks are just not going to happen with online dating.

 

I think if your date wants to have sex with you, it will just happen. You don't need to talk about it beforehand. Having this conversation is a mood killer, in my opinion. And even though you have good intentions, this conversation just makes guys look creepy. Make your move and see how she reacts. Any adult with common sense should know that hooking up on the first date does not mean you're suddenly in a committed relationship.

 

A few weeks ago I went out with a guy and HE initiated this conversation. It was horrible! I'm thinking- well, I'm not on a crazy husband hunting mission, but I'm also not about to have sex with every single guy I go on a date with...does he want to sleep with the kind of person who does f*&% everyone, anyway? In other words, I think him and I both want the same thing- to enjoy ourselves until we find something worth sticking around for. But for some reason having this very frank conversation about it just killed any chemistry we had bubbling.

[katiegrl]

Pretty much the last 5 guys I've been out with are on exactly the same page as you, Joseb.

Obviously there's nothing wrong with just wanting something casual. But I think what's a little frustrating from my (maybe other women too) perspective is that if you are "open" to something more serious with someone who blows you away, how will you know if that person blows you away until you get to know them?

 

I think you can still get to know someone while dating them casually, no?

 

Then if she knocks his socks off, he considers having a "relationship" with her.

 

Isn't that what people do anyway though? Date for awhile to determine if they want a relationship with that particular person?

 

Unless it's just a ONS, in which case no you wouldn't get to know them.

 

I don't even know what dating casually means? NSA sex, FWB?

 

Confusing.

Edited July 5, 2016 by katiegrl

[TheBathWater]

So I've been asked this question a few different ways from tinder / bumble matches.

 

What are you looking for?

 

The truth is, I'm not looking for a serious relationship right now. I'm looking to meet people and if we click then maybe get into something casual. Or a ONS depending on the situation. Their is always the chance that I will meet someone that knocks my socks off, and completely changes my mind about not wanting anything longterm.

 

Thing is, if I say something like that, it scares off most people. They probably pigeon hole me as a creep. At the same time, I don't want to lead anybody on, and outright lie.

 

I'm sure there are many guys here that are in a similar situation.

What do you say?

 

Same situation here.

 

I tell women "I'm open to all outcomes and attached to none." I've consistently gotten positive reactions from this statement. Use it.

 

These days, I am not a relationship guy. No way. I don't even think I'm a dating guy anymore either. I'm not opposed to those things, but I am weary of assuming any traditional approach to romantic relationships. It sounds like you are too. Ah, sometimes I think you are a brother in arms before me, joseb.

 

Have you read this article online called 'A Polyamorist View of Monogamy?' Or how about the book Sex at Dawn? Both hit the nail right on the head for me. I don't know about you, but I think people approach relationships unconsciously from the strategy of dating or LTR because that is what culture has shown them. In this day and age, it doesn't work... not often, anyway. I'm not seeing it. Things are changing rapidly. They have been for a while. I believe relationships are going to look much more diverse in the future, and we are on the cusp of that now.

 

My point is that I think most women don't even know what the heck they're doing in terms of relating and mating, just like us, but they repeat the same dating scripts because they've never thought outside of that model (or they worry they will be judged if they do).

 

Then a guy like you or me comes along and says "I don't want to do this the traditional way, I just want to spend some time with you, you sweet girl, and see if I adore you, share in something delightful with you, and respect if/when it ends...and of course I hope it doesn't, but it will still be worth our time"

 

That kind of stance scares people because it is uncertain, which is pretty ironic if you ask me, given just how uncertain and failing the "traditional way" is, huh?

 

But I find that more women respond positive than I initially would have thought! It's all in how you talk about it, I feel. I will tell women that they know now I have been 100% honest with them, that I will never mislead them on some false premise like these other guys, that they know there will never be any games between us, I will never 'use' them, and that strangely, this commitment we both make here to being honest and present with each other is in some ways the highest form of commitment there is - we are blazing our own path. You can even say you know you're probably not going to be the guy they're with forever, but you still hope to make it count so that you both remember each other. Why be all blasé about seeing someone just because it's not going to last? F**k that. Life is short. Have a blast.

 

By the way, I find talking about this stuff explicitly on the first date can do wonders, if conveyed in the right tone. I smile the whole time and talk about it with optimism, confidence, and somewhat unseriously but am quite serious.

 

Some women will reject this, sure, but more are probably open to it than you think. And the ones who aren't will be very intrigued, and never forget you. How many men are THAT honest with women? You will start to hear "I've never met anyone like you before." Not a bad thing. Doesn't mean it will last, but for the way guys like us operate, I think it's a good place.

 

Bottom line: Never mislead, and never use a woman. Even if it's just one night. Women are okay with it as long as its respectful. If they don't feel beautiful, they feel used. If they feel used, they don't feel beautiful. As long as she feels beautiful, she will accept most honest invitations. I bedded a girl I just met a few nights ago who was very distrustful of men, divorced, had an abusive ex-boyfriend not long ago, and said she felt relieved that men like me were real. I'll probably never see her again, and she knows it, but she felt beautiful for that night and we both had a meaningful experience out of it.

 

I hope you find some of this useful and try it out, and let us know how it goes over.

Edited July 5, 2016 by TunaInTheBrine

[WhirlwindGuy]

I think there are many more women out there that are open to ONS than you think.

 

 

I would say out of 8 women I have dated since January, 5 of them either had sex with me on the first night, or within the first few, and it was them pursuing it.

 

 

I think women say they are not looking for hook ups or whatever lines it is they use on their dating profiles, but most of them are totally OK with it if the chips fall that way. Like someone above me mentioned, I think they say that because that is what society says they should say...

 

 

Just like the guy a while back here that made a fake profile of a super hot guy and messaged women, being totally crude, brash, sex driven, etc...women didn't care at all. Even women who were adamant in their profiles about guys be a certain way were quick to throw that out the window if the guy is cute enough, or has some other redeeming quality that they like.