Glas Posted July 3, 2016 Posted July 3, 2016 Sorry for the wall of text, this issue is a little bit hard to detail: I'm a 20 y/o male dating a 20 y/o female, and we've been together for a little over four years (dating since our freshman year of h.s.) We've both felt a true connection for as long as we've known eachother, and our relationship has been very healthy for the most part up until recently. We were eachother's first intimate partners, and after roughly 2 years of being intimate, my s/o opened up about the fact that she had/has never really enjoyed being intimate with me, and that she had been faking orgasm for the extent of our relationship. She explained to me that it was purely that she just doesn't have much of a sex drive, and that it's hard for her to get turned on. I tried my best to understand and empathize, but i couldn't help but being extremely heartbroken. I'm not claiming to be casanova under the covers or anything, but i had always put forth an immense effort to be a generous and love sexual partner. After years of feeling like a satisfactory partner, i felt like my world got turned upside down. I don't feel confident, i'm constantly anxious about feeling like inadequate SO/her leaving/cheating on me, and it's raising up my insecurities to an alarming rate even though i'm very fit, and my self-esteem is in line with the body that's been given to me. No matter how much i try to remind myself that i'm a worthy partner, i cant help but feeling like i'm going to be trapped by these emotions until i'm physical with someone else. I love her more than life itself, and i truly believe that i want to spend the rest of my life with her, but i also dont know if i can go another day feeling this way about myself. I explained all of this to her, and she told me that she feels terrible about the way she's made me feel, and agrees that i should be intimate with another girl to see if it'll help me get over this. We decided to take a slight break to help our emotions settle a bit, and she's reassured me several times that i should try being intimate with someone else. We've been on this "break" for 3 weeks, and my feelings haven't changed about her, or myself, but i'm terrified of the possible consequences of being with another girl. I don't want her to think that i don't love her or want to share that experience with her, and im concerned that she's underestimating the circumstance and will have a hard time being with me afterward. I'm trying not to overthink all of this, but i just cant risk losing her. Should i feel like a dick if i'm consider having a no-strings-attatched encounter with another girl, even though she's given me permission to do so? Any females that have been in her position that can share any insight that might help me empathize with her a little more deeply? I'm sorry for the novel, and any help is greatly appreciated.
elaine567 Posted July 3, 2016 Posted July 3, 2016 I think she'd be heartbroken if you saw another girl whilst still in this relationship and it would not do your relationship with her any good either, if in fact it would survive such a body blow. It may be a test, to see if you really do want her, despite her recent revelations and not something to be taken literally. Many men have happily taken similar advice as it gives them free rein to grab some "extra", to find she then wants nothing to do with him after, as how could he do that to her... BUT part of me thinks that here, as she was a virgin, she probably just wants to experience another man and is giving you your freedom, so she can get some freedom of her own. Four years and it has to go somewhere, marriage and kids is the next step, but she realises she has never really been her own woman and has never even had an orgasm with you, she is reassessing where she stands, she told you, and you are now on a "break" and she has advised you to seek pastures new. My guess is that it is over. Sorry! HS romances rarely make it, and the fact both of you were virgins, tends to mean a lot of trouble in the future, if you did marry. Although it may seem like a disaster at the moment, believe me, it is not. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted July 3, 2016 Posted July 3, 2016 I think she'd be heartbroken if you saw another girl whilst still in this relationship and it would not do your relationship with her any good either, if in fact it would survive such a body blow. It may be a test, to see if you really do want her, despite her recent revelations and not something to be taken literally. Many men have happily taken similar advice as it gives them free rein to grab some "extra", to find she then wants nothing to do with him after, as how could he do that to her... BUT part of me thinks that here, as she was a virgin, she probably just wants to experience another man and is giving you your freedom, so she can get some freedom of her own. Four years and it has to go somewhere, marriage and kids is the next step, but she realises she has never really been her own woman and has never even had an orgasm with you, she is reassessing where she stands, she told you, and you are now on a "break" and she has advised you to seek pastures new. My guess is that it is over. Sorry! HS romances rarely make it, and the fact both of you were virgins, tends to mean a lot of trouble in the future, if you did marry. Although it may seem like a disaster at the moment, believe me, it is not. Bingo. If she were really still invested in the relationship, she wouldn't dream of suggesting you have sex with other girls, OP. There is very clear message behind this. She wants freedom herself. Don't be shocked if you learn she is the one who's exploring with others. I know this hurts, but I think your relationship is coming to definite end. 6
phineas Posted July 3, 2016 Posted July 3, 2016 3 week break and encouraged you to sleep with other women? Got bad news for you op. She has probably already slept with someone else. Break is code for I can sleep with someone else and it can't be considered cheating. 1
preraph Posted July 3, 2016 Posted July 3, 2016 Women do this to mainly be polite and to stop you from continuing to be in her when she's not getting off and it's starting to hurt. It's better than ending a session with "I'm not getting off and it hurts." Women can't get off all the time any more than men do, but most can get off by themselves because that's just the way it is. The logical thing is to say she should teach you and of course that's best done during sex, but not many women can get off while they're concentrating on telling you something. It takes complete empty-headed relaxation and abandon. It's not just mechanical like it seems to be a bit more for men. They have to get in the right head space. Not easy to do if someone is trying to converse with you the whole time or you're trying to teach them; but yes, you should at least ask her the next sex you have (ask beforehand) to work out a signal for what's working and when to move on. Preferable a nonverbal signal. Like "Put my hand where you want it" when you're ready for me to move on." The simple truth is not everyone is compatible sexually and it depends on both people and how they feel, the level of attraction, the physical tools they're working with, and how good they are at communication and relaxation and so many things. I was only really impressed with a couple of guys out of all the ones I went out with as far as liking their approach and confidence and skill. The rest were pretty nonproductive. And then, of course, the ones I thought were great probably thought I was really lazy! Because sometimes that's the way it works, too.
Author Glas Posted July 3, 2016 Author Posted July 3, 2016 Thank you so much for the thought out responses, but she's actually the one that's keeping the relationship together. If i had it my way, i'd probably be single, but i really dont want to just leave her because the sex is bad after we've been together for 4 years. In addition, i know for a fact that she has never once talked to other guys during our relationship. It's obvious that she loves me and would like to spend her future with me, and i think all of you kind of jumped to some radical conclusions. Just because you or someone you know acted in a dishonest manor doesnt mean she is or is going to. I simply need advice about how to deal with my own feelings of inadequacy regarding this issue. To her, sex is completely unimportant, and there have definitely been times where it was obvious that she had an orgasm, but the fact that she had been faking it for so long has made it impossible for me to differentiate between a real orgasm and a fake one, and it simply takes the joy away from being intimate.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 3, 2016 Posted July 3, 2016 How do you figure she's trying to keep the relationship together when she's suggesting you have sex with other girls? That's quite the opposite of keeping a relationship together, OP. Your feelings of inadequacy are not going to improve this way. They are going to get worse. 1
Poutrew Posted July 3, 2016 Posted July 3, 2016 Sorry, OP. Doesn't the fact that she could fake her orgasms so well that you never had a clue tell you anything about her ability to successfully lie to you? But don't listen to us - we don't know anything about her. Why don't you just directly ask her? "Hun, do you have something to tell me?" "Aren't you worried that I may fall in love with the girl you are giving me permission to have sex with? What then?" Then just say it; "Are you having sex with someone else?" Pay *very close* attention to her reaction. If she hesitates even for a split second, or if she averts her eyes so she isn't looking directly at you when she says "Of course not honey", then she is lying. Girls at this stage of a relationship want to try out other guys, but keep boyfriend on the back burner so she has someone to come back to in case it doesn't work out. Also, if she does have sex with other men, and it is just as lackluster as sex with you, then she will probably stay with you. After all, why go to all the trouble to break in another bf when she already has one? But, the real question is: Do you want to be that man?
katiegrl Posted July 3, 2016 Posted July 3, 2016 OP, why don't you break up but remain good friends? Which is essentially what you are now anyway. Good friends. Sex (the desire and enjoyment of sex with each other) is what differentiates a romantic relationship from a friendship. Since she is emotionally attached to you, and perhaps you to her as well, again break up but remain friends and explore opportunities with others with whom there is a sexual attraction My guess is THAT is what she doesn't want to lose ..... your close friendship, having you in her life....... Once you relegate it to a friendship , both of you can slowly detach emotionally .... so when you do meet someone else more sexually compatible...your friendship won't become an issue. Just a suggestion...... as it appears the ship has sailed from this one... Good luck!
preraph Posted July 3, 2016 Posted July 3, 2016 Well, since you do seem to realize this is more sort of your problem because of how it makes you feel, I'm just going to double down on that. If she's having orgasms part of the time, I think that's fine if she thinks it's fine, and I think she does. I think men overreact to this thing for a couple of reasons. One, they think orgasm is as critical to the woman as it is to them, but women don't necessarily feel uncomfortable if they fizzle. And that's more like what it is. They may enjoy it for awhile but it fizzles. And it may have nothing to do with you some of the times it fizzles. She may be tired or preoccupied. Two, men seem to fear if they can't get her off, she will surely dump them for another man. Why? Because that's pretty much how they feel. If a woman can't get them off, they're very often done. Women are not usually that way. I won't say there aren't exceptions, but yours clearly isn't that way. If you do get dumped over sex by a woman, it's usually symptomatic of a bigger problem, like selfishness in other more domestic areas rather than only selfishness about sex. But one thing you should know about women is the sexual desire for you sometimes goes before they are even consciously aware that they are mad at you or done with you. It's very much tied into their head and heart. I just think if she's getting off some and you've offered to work on getting her off more, and she's contented with whatever reciprocating she's doing, you should stop obsessing over this. That's just more your problem, and it's kind of an ego problem or a needing validation problem because if she doesn't care, why should you care more than her? 1
phineas Posted July 3, 2016 Posted July 3, 2016 Glas - it isn't that someone we knew acted that way it's that 90% of the people I know who wanted a "break" wanted it so they could try out others sexually. both men and women. Nobody who wants to be with someone suggests a break. Sorry but you are young and inexperienced with dating because you've spent most of your adult yrs with one person. I love being wrong in these types of situations but i'm probably twice your age and have seen this type of thing play out many times. if she is in contact during your break it's to make sure you don't go anywhere while she is looking at options. 1
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