I destroyed my relationship, and I cannot bear the pain.

[HopeSpringsInfernal]

It is staggering to read some of these posts that resonate so strongly with me. I allowed a singularly amazing relationship to decay and my girlfriend of three years broke up with me just a couple of days ago. We went back and forth about why it was happening and eventually ended at a place where we both admitted we made some mistakes and had some growing to do. Also, she said she still cares for me in a platonic way and wants to remain friends. I didn't want to further hurt her (plus I do still care and part of me, of course, values the great conversations and friendship we had); I also figured it would at least allow her to feel at ease contacting me and that I maybe able to use that some degree to try and have fun and remind her how great we could be together. However, yesterday I realized that I may have made a grave mistake, as I cannot actually remain friends with her. The bond emotionally and, yes, physically, is too strong. I hate to be selfish, but I cannot actually pull that off.

 

Now, I know she will contact me eventually. If only because, I am currently staying in a different house, but we still have to resolve a lot about the apartment we co-habitated. With that in mind, when and how (if?) I should bring up my "change of heart" about the possibility of us remaining friends is killing me. I don't know what to do. My goal remains to get her back in my life, even if it takes a great deal of time and effort. I do not want to seem like I am indecisive (though I am) and bring up my revised view on friendship, but I also feel that if I let it be she will continue to take me for granted during this phase and that could undermine our chance at reuniting.

 

So, any advice is appreciated. Thank you for your time, and to everyone out there suffering, I know. It is Hell. I only pray all of us find the love we deserve and maintain it. In my case, I made similar mistakes to those that cost me a previous relationship, and I cannot even begin to tell you the agony realizing that.

 

Take care.

[Buddhist]

Once the apartment is resolved you straight up tell her that yes you still value her friendship but right now you need 2 months of no contact in order to go and nurse your wounds and heal. She's a chick she will understand this language/requirement etc. Tell her the breakup is still too raw and painful for you and you need some alone time to get over it properly.

 

Stay no contact for min 2 months. The reason why is simple....

 

- It's extremely likely you will actually change your mind about wanting her back after that period of time. The only way to truly know if you really do want an ex back is to walk away from them for long enough to fully get over the knee-jerk hurt of a lost relationship. Then see how you feel. Within 2 months most people will have a better idea whether or not their desire to reunite was just a reflex or something real. So many people get back together within weeks then realise that was a huge mistake. 2 months is long enough to get comfortable single again and reassess.

 

- You will need to be on your own, without her company to soul search and properly address whatever self sabotaging behaviour it is that you've got going on and do something about it. While she is still in your life you will distract yourself from the real issue by plotting and planning how to win her back. Remember, you guys broke up because you contributed to that problem. Unless you want a repeat of that situation with her you need to be alone to deal with your side of things. If you will have any hope of doing better next time this is a basic requirement.

 

- She needs to spend time without you in order to miss your company and decide whether or not she wants to take you back. She also needs to do her share of soul searching and healing for her part in the relationship breakdown. Staying in contact as friends just gives her soft landing in the breakup and an emotional crutch that will very likely result in her accepting your friendly moments together before running off with a brand new lover. You see, she lost nothing. She's still got the relationship with you and also a hot new guy.

Edited July 3, 2016 by Buddhist

[Trinity7]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.. I feel like I had a hand in my relationship ending too, and it REALLY hurts to think about what we could've done differently. It's so hard to stop thinking about every interaction over and over. I don't really have any advice for you unfortunately, I still haven't figured it out myself. But you're not alone x. I think Buddhist's advice to try and get through the emotional storm before making any big decisions is a good one. It's almost impossible to tell the difference between our egos and reality at this stage. Try to go NC for a while and then see if you still feel the same.

[HopeSpringsInfernal]

I greatly appreciate everyone's insight and support. I hope so much that all of you find solace. If I may venture a quick follow-up: I need to go back to our (now her) apartment at some point, as referenced before. It has been about four days since we last spoke, and I am living elsewhere for the moment. I have not contacted her since our last break-up talk. I want to continue with NC as best I can, but I also do not want to leave a bunch of stuff there and make her think I am just sticking her with that or depriving her of an extra closet I could just use my key to stop by and get some stuff while she's at work and avoid contact. Alternatively, I could text her first and suggest either swinging by while she's there or - again - while at work. Of course, the latter would break NC, but I also honestly feel rather odd having her come home from work and some of my stuff is gone. As always, any suggestions are greatly appreciated. Thank you and God bless all of you.

[Sunkissedpatio]

You should tell her you want to pick up your stuff don't just show up when she isn't there that's not cool. If you don't want to see her I would let her know you will go by while she is at work and if she insists on seeing you just let her know it is too hard and best all around if you can when she isn't there. that's up to you.

 

 

Don't worry about breaking NC it's not set in stone that you cannot break NC you have to use your judgment. But the sooner you clear that up the sooner you can let go. If you keep that door open for too long, the "I need to pick up my stuff eventually" you are only going to stay stuck and hanging on.

 

Good luck, I hope you do what's right for you.

[HopeSpringsInfernal]

Thank you very much, Sunkissed. That makes a lot of sense.

[HopeSpringsInfernal]

So update. I could really use any feedback to give me some perspective here because I am obviously an emotional wreck. My GF (I know, I should say Ex) just texted me now saying that she is sorry for how she handled things and that i treated her so well and she treated me so bad and that, anyway, i can come to pick up my stuff whenever i want and she is sorry. Note: this is the first NC break since the official-ish break up about four days ago. What do I do? I'm so nervous.

[juniorrocha]

Go there > pick up your stuff > leave.

 

Please. PLEASE. Don't make the mistake of having sex with her or whatever. It's been 4 days. It will most likely only hurt you even more and the problems of the relationship won't go away anyway. I know how hard it is, but try to control yourself. I committed that mistake, it felt like I went right back to square one of the "getting over game".

[Giggles666]

//However, yesterday I realized that I may have made a grave mistake, as I cannot actually remain friends with her. The bond emotionally and, yes, physically, is too strong. I hate to be selfish, but I cannot actually pull that off.//

 

We all make mistakes when we have these emotions going through our head. It's also not selfish. It's part of the healing process. Just tell her how you feel and how you need to no have contact for a while.

 

Many people approach no contact with hope of getting back together. Not a good thing and not going to help you heal. Work on yourself, the problems, and see how you feel in a couple months. Take the time to heal and work through what you want and who you want to be.

 

//So, any advice is appreciated. Thank you for your time, and to everyone out there suffering, I know. It is Hell. I only pray all of us find the love we deserve and maintain it. In my case, I made similar mistakes to those that cost me a previous relationship, and I cannot even begin to tell you the agony realizing that. //

 

Well, this time you work on not making those mistakes again, this is what no contact is for. This time around work on those issues. Hence the above paragraphs, live, learn, adjust, move on and try again.

 

//So update. I could really use any feedback to give me some perspective here because I am obviously an emotional wreck. My GF (I know, I should say Ex) just texted me now saying that she is sorry for how she handled things and that i treated her so well and she treated me so bad and that, anyway, i can come to pick up my stuff whenever i want and she is sorry. Note: this is the first NC break since the official-ish break up about four days ago. What do I do? I'm so nervous.//

 

Get your stuff, have the we can't be friends talk, and then begin the no contact process and start to heal/grieve.

 

Good luck, it's not easy as you know BUT you can work on yourself and at least feel better as time goes on. I wish you the best and her also.

[HopeSpringsInfernal]

Thank you, Giggles. That was a very insightful and compassionate reply.