My story

[JonSnow]

First, I wanted to say hi and thanks to everyone. I've used this site as a reference guide for the last 6 months of my break up. It has been very helpful and had aided me on my path. A path that has been hurtful, but I accept that it's life.

 

I want to share my story because sometimes I feel like I'm being realistic and other times I feel like I'm being naive.

 

6 months ago my gf of 6 years broke up with me because she wasn't "happy" and needed to "find herself." I've read all about people needing to find themselves with varying answers on what people interpret it to be.

 

From the start I'll admit that my relationship with my gf was not perfect. We argued but no more than a normal couple. However, in our 6 years, we never had a knock-em out, drag em out, yelling altercation, just arguments that we got annoyed with each other. We are both stubborn, but it never got to the point where it was abusive, or remotely close to it. We started dating at 23, we graduated the same time, we traveled together, we hiked, we scuba dived, we ate out, we did everything that two people in love did.

 

A few years ago, in 2013, she had a mental breakdown and we were separated for about 6 weeks before getting back together. She has some serious personal issues and I think she's depressed but she never went to a therapist. I, on the otherhand, am clinically diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and OCD, and I am on medication. Keep this in mind for later in the story.

 

This past February she was slated to visit her sister in Thailand for 2 months. Her work allowed her to take the time off. A trip that was planned several months in advance and I was supposed to meet her on the tail end of it for 2 weeks and travel with her. She broke up with me a month before leaving so that squashed my plans of going over there as well. She needed to "find herself" and thought that the 2 months apart would be good for us. After she broke up with me, I moved into an apartment. We never lived together because we were saving to buy a house, but with all of our trips, most recently to Hawaii, saving wasn't always an option. We chose to live our lives and travel because we knew there was no rush to get married. Everyone around us was getting married, but we chose to do other things before that happened.

 

Right before she left for Thailand she came to visit me. She cried a bunch and told me she missed me so much and loved me but she needed to do this because there was something "missing" inside of her. She felt lost. While I didn't understand this, I supported her. For whatever reason.

 

2 weeks into her time in Thailand, she sent me an email (yes, email) that it was over and that it was time we went our separate ways. She said we weren't right for each other, etc. It was heart breaking and devastating, but I knew the next step was to move on. From the time I received that email I went full NC for 8 weeks. I lost 25 pounds in 3 months from working out and lifting, I met a few girls, I was doing great.

 

Until she returned from Thailand. She had contacted me.

 

She told me she wanted to talk to me because the way she had ended it was cruel and unfair. Obviously I agreed but told her it was best that we didn't see each other. Eventually, we would see each other and she told me she said the things in the email that she did so that i would hate her because she didn't know what was going on in her head. She said she's still in love with me and wants to be with me but still feels miserable inside and has to be alone. She just recently (6 months later) started seeing a therapist.

 

I'm sorry for this long story but I wanted to make sure I didn't leave any details out. My question isn't something like "should I wait around?" because I'm not doing that. I'm not passing up opportunities to talk to women when they arise, but from what she's saying, am I stupid to believe that's she's telling the truth? She told me "I hope the therapist tells me that I'm clinically insane and helps me so I can return to the love of my life."

 

Just looking for some guidance. I want to be supportive because I know what she's going through and mental health is no joke and can ruin your life is you don't treat it, but at the same time I can't be there to help her when I might be the one person who is friends with her can.

 

Thanks in advance to anyone who responds. I am truly appreciative.

[CarrieT]

Do not wait for her. The problem with your breakups is that you two kept in Limited Contact instead of going full No Contact.

 

And justifying the relationship as "not bad" because you DIDN'T have knock-down, drag-out fights is sad. Not all relationships involve fighting. The healthy ones don't involve fighting at all. Your relationship with this girl is not a healthy one.

 

The fact that you were able to see other girls and start to move on and feel better is an indication that you would be better off without her. Time for a formal break up and a request that you never hear from her again.

[JonSnow]

Hi CarrieT,

 

Thanks for the response.

 

You quoted me as saying "not bad" but I didn't use that in my initial post. I was just explaining the nature of the arguments we would get in. However, I don't know a single couple that doesn't get into arguments.

 

I said I wasn't waiting for because I acknowledge its not fair to me, but her going through mental health issues is what worries me.

 

The bit about meeting people, I forced myself to see other people when I wasn't ready and I ended up hurting them so I stopped. It was like putting a band aid on a wound that needs stitching.

[CarrieT]

You quoted me as saying "not bad" but I didn't use that in my initial post.

You are right, you didn't. You said "not perfect" which I read to mean "not bad."

 

However, I don't know a single couple that doesn't get into arguments.

Hello, my name is Carrie. Pleased to meet you. I am in my early 50s and have been with my spouse for about four years. We have yet to have a single argument.

 

Now you know of a couple that doesn't get into arguments.

 

I said I wasn't waiting for because I acknowledge its not fair to me, but her going through mental health issues is what worries me.

You can still worry and care for her without being in her life and having her mental health issues bring you down. I have certainly been there. The ending of the relationship that brought me to this site in 2008 was with a man who ultimately ended up in an institution. There are times when you can't be everything you want for someone.

 

On the one hand, she is telling you: "I hope the therapist tells me that I'm clinically insane and helps me so I can return to the love of my life." Frankly, that is her trying to lay a guilt trip on you. It is passive-aggressive and sucking you in.

 

On the other hand she is telling you she needs to be alone. Believe that. And stick to it...

[JonSnow]

Hi Carrie, thanks for the insight. Appreciate it.

 

I told her yesterday that we should not talk anymore and she agreed that right now it's not for the best. She had been contacting me the past couple weeks or so. When I say argument, I guess I'm not really describing the nature of the relationship accurately. We didn't argue, we had disagreements, which I still feel is common.

 

I've made the decision to stop talking to her because we truly and I mean this, we truly and genuinely enjoy each other but the current mental state that she's in does not allow us to continue with our relationship. It does not make sense to keep going forward with talking if it's not going to turn into something.

 

The evolution of our relationship was on full display as we got done talking. Back when we met I was an immature 23 year old would have said something spiteful in my broken state, but I told her that I hope she finds the peace of mind she's looking for and I know that she will eventually get there.

 

Tough decision, but the healing starts. Unfortunately, I have OCD, so the obsessive thoughts of a loved one are hard to simmer right now. Have to find my distraction.