Support with NC

[hakuna matata]

Hi there, this is my first time posting. I don't want to go into the specifics of my relationship because I feel like it would take up so much time to read up on but I'll type in the general information.

 

I'm currently having trouble keeping up with NC. I have identified that I am struggling with healing from my broken heart after my relationship of 3.5 years ended when my ex-bf decided to leave. I know that NC may be the best option I have at a chance for healing but I am lacking confidence in continuing my efforts. The longest I have gone is 4 days and I have not initiated any contact since we broke up. Except my ex-bf on the other hand, has made breadcrumb attempts to contact me which obviously stings. We're both in our early 20s and in university together. We live approximately an hour drive from each other. We previously had a fall-out because of him and he broke up with me 1.5 years into the relationship. We got back together after a month of NC when he begged to come back, were happy in our relationship for the next few years and then, like most relationships, we started to get comfortable again. The unfortunate circumstance was that he was actually becoming unhappy again in the upcoming months that would lead to our 2nd breakup and I was unaware of this.

 

Prior to our 2nd break up, we got into an argument that led to him needing space and eventually breaking up with me again. He stated that he couldn't really see a future with me anymore, wasn't sure if this is what he wanted to settle with, we are supposedly going in different directions and want different things in life, he's tired of the LDR, doesn't know what he wants anymore, and needs to be out of the relationship because he has to figure himself out. I can tell you the list of reasons goes on and on. Some reasons I find valid and others seemed trivial. Truth be told that I didn't see too many valid reasons otherwise I would have gracefully bowed out this second time.

 

All in all, I don't want to hold onto hope as I know that it will further prevent any healing from occurring. I'm sure that I do not want to go through this emotional turmoil all over again and if I wanted to, there would need to be some drastic improvements first. I want to smother any hope out of my head and heart so that I can move on from this relationship. Any advice on how you guys have done that? (PS: Yes, I know time plays a huge part in healing)

[juniorrocha]

The best way to get over a relationship is improving yourself while staying away from everything that may remind you of your ex.

 

How to improve yourself? Exercising, eating well/healthy, occupying your mind with hobbies, keeping up with your responsabilities, working on your career/studies, going out with your friends (or alone, if you wish to do so), doing things you find enjoyable...

 

How to stay away from your ex? Blocking his number and every social media of his, getting rid of everything around that reminds you of him (objects, memories, etc), no stalking, making sure no one feeds you with news from him...

 

The more you do the above, the sooner you'll get over. Also, as you already know, time plays a big role here, but time itself isn't going to help if you aren't helping yourself. Focus!

[hakuna matata]

The best way to get over a relationship is improving yourself while staying away from everything that may remind you of your ex.

 

How to improve yourself? Exercising, eating well/healthy, occupying your mind with hobbies, keeping up with your responsabilities, working on your career/studies, going out with your friends (or alone, if you wish to do so), doing things you find enjoyable...

 

How to stay away from your ex? Blocking his number and every social media of his, getting rid of everything around that reminds you of him (objects, memories, etc), no stalking, making sure no one feeds you with news from him...

 

The more you do the above, the sooner you'll get over. Also, as you already know, time plays a big role here, but time itself isn't going to help if you aren't helping yourself. Focus!

 

I definitely have taken the initiative to do some of the things listed already. I gave myself one full week to mope, cry, scream, whatever I needed to do to release all this sadness and frustration out of my system. I know I will still have some moments where I need to take some time to secretly cry to myself but then I also told myself to start going out with friends and family.

 

I really appreciate the list you have made so far. I'm considering journaling my days after this break up. Would you suggest any questions I could ask myself that will aid in me moving forward?

[juniorrocha]

Journaling is a great way to let your feelings out, I was doing that too, but eventually I stopped as I didn't feel the need anymore.

 

You could ask yourself:

 

1. Why am I better off without him?

 

2. What were the bad sides of our relationship?

 

3. What are my qualities?

 

4. Who would I want to be in a year from now?

 

5. What I don't miss about my ex?

 

6. What do I expect from my next partner that my ex didn't provide?

 

7. How was my day today?

 

I would avoid anything related to his good sides; not that you want to hate him or whatever, but in order to move on you should make your mind think that you're indeed better off without your ex, instead of missing the great times.

 

Try to write everything great that happened to you that day, how you were feeling, be as honest and sincere as possible, afterall it's all for you anyway.

[hakuna matata]

@juniorrocha

 

That is such a great format to go off of. Thank you for the insightful questions.

[Joseph z]

I failed at my NC and it was not good. It's easy to start thinking about just the good qualities and forget the stuff that didn't make the relationship work. At least that's my problem. I think you are much better off not giving in. if he is unsure that he wants to be in a relationship with you then he is missing out. I'm sure it was hard for you to do the LDR too.

[hakuna matata]

@Joseph z

 

Oh yes, I very much agree that sometimes my mind will wander on the positive aspects of my relationship with my ex but I try to derail my thoughts so that I don't get take steps back instead of moving forward.

 

Regarding the LDR, it's a yes and no. I suppose LDR is subjective; to each their own. Personally, I do not see a one hour car commute as LDR. Essentially that is equivalent to me driving from one end of my city to another. However, as said, it may have been hard on him and not so much me.

[starr13]

I am going on 4 months of no contact and it still hurts because he won't talk. We are both older and I knew him when I was 16. He married my friend and we never dated. I ran into him after many years and we spent a year in bliss and laughter until.... he left without telling me the real reasons and did not talk to me for over 4 months the first time when he told me he thought I was trying to push him into something he did not want-commitment. This was understandable due to him ending a 15 yr marriage and it was a bitter one.

 

We fell in love and it was wonderful. He wanted the best of me without having to give up to the relationship which has devastated me. I never meant to make him feel that I was doing that. I just had not been in love for so many years and was so happy. I have applied the NC rule but does not seem to be working after 3 months other than he looks at my facebook page a lot and just recently made 1 small comment on a political post I had. He just ran and never came back or told me if he would so I panicked which he interpreted as me trying to hook him! This is not my style and I would never do this to a man healing from a bad marriage that ended poorly. I have tried talking to him about it but he won't communicate but I have NO closure and am thinking I need to send that email to not blame or attack but to own my own part in it. What do you think?

 

My dilemma is this-should I send a short email now telling him I agree with the breakup and think it was for the best etc.etc., or still hold out longer? He is so stubborn and a strong man. He also told me he was sick of dealing with women for the last 40 years and does not want a loving relationship. This is when I stopped trying to explain my position. I really miss him and what we had. He was so loving, giving, and kind but is emotionally distraught over his past and it has shown through a few times.

 

I have been confused over this yet, I need to own up to my part and apologize but cannot decide if I need to stay no contact or send a brief email? Any thoughts are appreciated-

Edited July 4, 2016 by starr13

[janik0226]

Hello!

Thanks to whomever takes the time to read this, I'm gonna try to make it short. I'm trying to figure out a certain weird situation which I have recently been in. I met this guy online and we talked for about 2 months before i decided to meet him. He was starting to think I was uninterested so I finally agreed to meet him. ( I wanted to make sure he was real) We went on our first date and it went really well, he came to my hometown and we spend the weekend together. He soon asked me to come down to his place (3 hours away ) So, I went down there. Everything was going good and I went back home. I had an odd feeling that things weren't right and proceeded to ask him if he was still interested. He told me that he wasn't interested because of something I'd told him about my past. He has a highly sensitive job and couldn't be associated with anyone with a past. So i said ok and went NC. So in about 3 weeks I get a message at 2 in the morning and it was him. He sent me beach pics.( he used say that maybe we could plan a trip soon ) I said your pics are nice but why are you contacting me if you can't be around me? Or did you just NOT like me? So, he went on and told me how my past had scared him because of his job and that he wanted to cut contact because he was not ready to commit at all and he thought that he was. (I had never asked for any commitment) He also told me that he was really starting to fall hard for me and that he couldn't sleep or eat and that it was too much stress and he couldn't handle it. He said he still had feelings for me and I said ok you know, I liked you as well. He also asked me to be his friend and I said I'm fine with it ( I wasn't super emotionally invested yet ). So then I go on about my business and I leave him be. I go NC again. Well, he messages me around a month and a half ago and says Hey it's me, i have something important to tell you. I didn't get the message until the next day and i said whats up? He asked what I'd been up to and I told him I was on vacation at the moment. So, he says for me to message him whenever i get back from vacation that he has to tell me something. As soon as I got him, i messaged him and said Hey what is it that you had to tell me? he said Oh it was nothing really. I said come on tell me, you had me stressed. He said well i was drunk and its not important now. Well I finally got it out of him and he said that he was thinking about the 2 months we had together, and the connection that we had that ended unforuntately. I told him I had missed chatting with him as well. He went on and asked me what i liked about him whenever we met and asked him if I thought he was physically attractive. I said well,yeah or i wouldn't have met you. So all this has me thinking ok he misses me, right?! Well I ask him if he still has feelings for me and he says honestly no, that he's seeing someone else and he needs to stop messaging me and focus on her. So that was the last straw for me... I told him YES you do need to stop contacting me and go tell you new gf about all your issues ( He says he has anxiety, stress, etc...) NOTE: I wasn't trying to be mean at all but i just found him to be extremely disrespectful to me at that point. So I told him lets have a decent goodbye and I do not wish you any ill will. I hope that you find true happiness. So he tells me he won't give me the decent goodbye because I was being nasty and didn't deserve closure. So then he blocks me. I go on my NC and leave him be. ( I wouldn't have tried to message him anywhere, if hell had frozen over after all that anyway ) Annnnnnd just the other day, he unblocks me and says hey to me. I IGNORE him and he blocks me again. LMAO. What do you guys make of this?! What is wrong with this man?! He is in his 30's and so am I. He's the one that has messaged me, I have NOT once bothered him since he said he didn't want a commitment. And then he blocks me? I don't get it.... Anyone have any insight? Thank you GREATLY to the individuals who take the time to read this and reply. THANK YOU!!!

[hakuna matata]

@janik0226

 

I think it is safe to assume that your ex is most likely still confused with his decision. I understand that you share a connection with this person but 2 months might not have been enough for him to fully establish a connection with you. He is sort of toying with you in a way as to keep you from moving on. You should ask yourself if him contacting you is doing more harm than good? With that answer, you should know what to do from there. From the sound of it, you seem more attached to this individual than he is. If his contact is hurting more than healing, I suggest you maturely and calmly ask him (being that you mentioned you're both in your 30s) and let him know that his contact is giving you mixed signals and hurting you. Allow him to know that if time and space is what he needs then respect that and continue with no contact. Remove yourself from the situation and focus on you. You need to focus on becoming a happier individual prior to meeting him. Oddly enough, because your relationship is 2 months long, it might be to your advantage to just carry on and move on. Definitely though, work on yourself. You don't need a partner that plays games with blocking and unblocking. He needs to be consistent with his actions in order to express what he wants as well.

[janik0226]

Hakuna Matata,

Thanks for your reply! I appreciate it! It's so odd to me that a man who isn't interested in pursuing a relationship with you, would be contacting you. I guess that would mean he felt something? In our last conversation I told him that we couldn't be friends because i felt that he was playing with my feelings and of course he denied that he was. He told me that he lost respect for me because i was being nasty to him. I wasn't at all, I just won't accept the toying and I don't play silly mind games. He tried to contact me a couple weeks ago and ignored it. It's like what could you possibly have to say to me after all that!!! Lawd!! Im honestly not hugely emotionally invested in him, although i did like him. I just don't get some men?! LOL Its something that bugs me, because I'm always trying to figure things out. I've had exes before and usually when they were done it was done. NOT this one. I truly appreciate the response. I've never posted on a dating advice website before so i wasn't sure what to expect.

[adelfue]

Omg your boyfriend reasons for leaving are almost the same as mine were , we were together for two years , and at the end of the relationship this past may , he told me that he had no hope he was done trying that we had different paths all the things someone tells you when they are DONE. I was soooo depressed and even though I was able to do no contact with him for 3 weeks , he is really respectful he was the one that suggested no contact for me to heal because he was already over me and he could already be my friend! sooo I did no contact for 3 weeks after a whole week of begging and crying... I broke no contact 2 weeks ago I talked to him... and he told me that I was not what he wanted anymore and that he cared about me and that was love but not the one he wanted , he also told me to heal and then we could be friends and then have a SLIM CHANCE in getting back together... BUT you know what??? THAT DOES NOT MATTER ANYMORE. Hahaha after those text I felt soooo low so full of anxiety depressed. I didn't know how to feel better. So I started reading a lot of spiritual law of attraction and youtube videos. you need to focus on yourself , give yourself a lot of self love don't be sad because of the relationship or the ending don't accept bread crumbs , make yourself better , look at things with a positive outcome ,make yourself the version of yourself that you desire this is the right time for you be whoever you want to be. Have faith that if you guys are meant to be he will come back when you are healed and the best version of yourself! don't look back at that old relationship it ended for a reason , don't hope for him to come back now you are not ready , YOU NEED TO HEAL! and its amazing because as the days go by you heal more and more you just need to be aware take care of yourself. even though its only been a month and a half for me I know I will not be contacting any time soon , I need to heal I am allergic to him right now , I don't want to get rejected and suffer from anxiety depression and worry. I want to be happy and love myself that's the least I can do to feel less hurt. Please take care of yourself you are the most important person in your life. If you really want this person back let them go move on and improve your life. Law of attraction is always here with us imagine yourself being happy with him in a future new relationship , forgive yourself everyday and send him love everyday and give yourself love I will not get tired of that. It has made a difference for me I hope you can feel better in your no contact process and I desire you a beautiful transformation , if you need anything feel free to message me.

[hakuna matata]

Hakuna Matata,

Thanks for your reply! I appreciate it! It's so odd to me that a man who isn't interested in pursuing a relationship with you, would be contacting you. I guess that would mean he felt something? In our last conversation I told him that we couldn't be friends because i felt that he was playing with my feelings and of course he denied that he was. He told me that he lost respect for me because i was being nasty to him. I wasn't at all, I just won't accept the toying and I don't play silly mind games. He tried to contact me a couple weeks ago and ignored it. It's like what could you possibly have to say to me after all that!!! Lawd!! Im honestly not hugely emotionally invested in him, although i did like him. I just don't get some men?! LOL Its something that bugs me, because I'm always trying to figure things out. I've had exes before and usually when they were done it was done. NOT this one. I truly appreciate the response. I've never posted on a dating advice website before so i wasn't sure what to expect.

 

I'm very glad that I could be of some support to you in your time of need. I actually just signed up myself so we're both in the same boat! It helps me take my mind off of my own problems and allows me to get off the emotional coaster that my ex put me on. I somehow become a more rational and logical person when helping someone else through their problems yet oddly enough I cannot seem to do that on my own for myself LOL!

 

Good on you to understand that playing games and toying isn't welcome in any relationship. Relationships require both individuals to be mature about how to handle highs and lows. Sure, some relationships don't work out but that doesn't mean you throw out mutual respect to the other individual when things don't pan out between the both of you. I kind of think of it as if you're breaking up with someone, treat it as if you were to fire an employee; keep it professional and respectful.

[hakuna matata]

Omg your boyfriend reasons for leaving are almost the same as mine were , we were together for two years , and at the end of the relationship this past may , he told me that he had no hope he was done trying that we had different paths all the things someone tells you when they are DONE. I was soooo depressed and even though I was able to do no contact with him for 3 weeks , he is really respectful he was the one that suggested no contact for me to heal because he was already over me and he could already be my friend! sooo I did no contact for 3 weeks after a whole week of begging and crying... I broke no contact 2 weeks ago I talked to him... and he told me that I was not what he wanted anymore and that he cared about me and that was love but not the one he wanted , he also told me to heal and then we could be friends and then have a SLIM CHANCE in getting back together... BUT you know what??? THAT DOES NOT MATTER ANYMORE. Hahaha after those text I felt soooo low so full of anxiety depressed. I didn't know how to feel better. So I started reading a lot of spiritual law of attraction and youtube videos. you need to focus on yourself , give yourself a lot of self love don't be sad because of the relationship or the ending don't accept bread crumbs , make yourself better , look at things with a positive outcome ,make yourself the version of yourself that you desire this is the right time for you be whoever you want to be. Have faith that if you guys are meant to be he will come back when you are healed and the best version of yourself! don't look back at that old relationship it ended for a reason , don't hope for him to come back now you are not ready , YOU NEED TO HEAL! and its amazing because as the days go by you heal more and more you just need to be aware take care of yourself. even though its only been a month and a half for me I know I will not be contacting any time soon , I need to heal I am allergic to him right now , I don't want to get rejected and suffer from anxiety depression and worry. I want to be happy and love myself that's the least I can do to feel less hurt. Please take care of yourself you are the most important person in your life. If you really want this person back let them go move on and improve your life. Law of attraction is always here with us imagine yourself being happy with him in a future new relationship , forgive yourself everyday and send him love everyday and give yourself love I will not get tired of that. It has made a difference for me I hope you can feel better in your no contact process and I desire you a beautiful transformation , if you need anything feel free to message me.

 

You wouldn't believe how many times I have stepped forward and moved back since my ex broke up with me. There are days when I constantly have over-analyzed everything and others where I just don't care anymore.

 

Thank you for sharing your story! It is so confusing when you do not receive the answers that you need. In hindsight, maybe what they have said is true yet we still deny it. Until time passes, we will later have to come to accept to moving on.

 

I recently just severed off the last of my communication with my ex and he seemed kind of frantic about it. He messaged me a whole bunch of times and consistently kept asking me if we were still to be friends. I'm actually not sure how to go about this...? Any suggestions? I don't want to be friends, at least not for now.

[hakuna matata]

Here is my story if some background information is needed.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/586784-support-nc

 

It has been three weeks post-break up for me. It is evident to me that I am trying to move on from this and hence I see myself moving forward with the odd time I make steps going backwards.

 

My ex-bf has recently gone through a weird phase. When he broke up with me, he was somewhat sad and cried over the decision when it took place. Three weeks later, he starts to act like a jerk. He finds things to say to put me down, treats me coldly and distantly, and sort of in a way blames me for the relationship failing. I had enough, I told him that I needed to sever the last of our contact and just said that it was for the best. Didn't really feel like I needed to explain that, he broke up with me so what am I still doing here being your emotional punching bag. He quickly hung up on me, sent me about six frantic texts that sounded like he wanted to make me reconfirm my decision and wanted to know if we were still going to be friends. Not even five minutes later, he phones me but I ignored the calls and texts.

 

I am not trying to play any games with him. I want him to know that what he's doing is putting me in a purgatory state where my healing is prolonged. His jerk-like behaviour is really unwelcome and I sort of want to give him the opportunity now to really know what it is like without me because I really think I was a good girlfriend even though I had some minor flaws of my own.

 

Can someone please tell me what you would do in a similar situation if your ex, being the one who broke up with you, later started to act like a jerk toward you. Would you just simply ignore them or maturely explain to them that you've had enough and don't want to hear from them anymore? I've been told that silence does wonders for men but I kinda still care about him so I'm unsure what to do.

[Redhead14]

Here is my story if some background information is needed.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/586784-support-nc

 

It has been three weeks post-break up for me. It is evident to me that I am trying to move on from this and hence I see myself moving forward with the odd time I make steps going backwards.

 

My ex-bf has recently gone through a weird phase. When he broke up with me, he was somewhat sad and cried over the decision when it took place. Three weeks later, he starts to act like a jerk. He finds things to say to put me down, treats me coldly and distantly, and sort of in a way blames me for the relationship failing. I had enough, I told him that I needed to sever the last of our contact and just said that it was for the best. Didn't really feel like I needed to explain that, he broke up with me so what am I still doing here being your emotional punching bag. He quickly hung up on me, sent me about six frantic texts that sounded like he wanted to make me reconfirm my decision and wanted to know if we were still going to be friends. Not even five minutes later, he phones me but I ignored the calls and texts.

 

I am not trying to play any games with him. I want him to know that what he's doing is putting me in a purgatory state where my healing is prolonged. His jerk-like behaviour is really unwelcome and I sort of want to give him the opportunity now to really know what it is like without me because I really think I was a good girlfriend even though I had some minor flaws of my own.

 

Can someone please tell me what you would do in a similar situation if your ex, being the one who broke up with you, later started to act like a jerk toward you. Would you just simply ignore them or maturely explain to them that you've had enough and don't want to hear from them anymore? I've been told that silence does wonders for men but I kinda still care about him so I'm unsure what to do.

 

In this case, anger is part of his coping mechanism. Ignore him and let him deal with his decision on his own. People go through a grieving process after a break up even if they initiated it. Grieving is process that includes various stages -- anger, denial, regret, missing, etc. and finally acceptance. Each person goes through those stages at different times. Some people feel anger first, then sadness, etc. He angry perhaps about the situation he's in and lashes out.

 

No contact is usually the best way to handle a break up for this very reason and not allowing yourself to be in a purgatory state where healing is prolonged. The same line of thinking applies to just staying friends -- it's more difficult to move on when you have deep feelings for a person and spending time with them knowing they don't feel the same way.

[hakuna matata]

In this case, anger is part of his coping mechanism. Ignore him and let him deal with his decision on his own. People go through a grieving process after a break up even if they initiated it. Grieving is process that includes various stages -- anger, denial, regret, missing, etc. and finally acceptance. Each person goes through those stages at different times. Some people feel anger first, then sadness, etc. He angry perhaps about the situation he's in and lashes out.

 

No contact is usually the best way to handle a break up for this very reason and not allowing yourself to be in a purgatory state where healing is prolonged. The same line of thinking applies to just staying friends -- it's more difficult to move on when you have deep feelings for a person and spending time with them knowing they don't feel the same way.

 

That I agree with. I waited a couple of hours and replied to his friend question with "At the moment, I'm not ready to be friends. I need to focus on myself now". He replied with the thumbs up emoji. Now I'm going to just be silent and go NC. Frankly, I'm actually just glad he even responded, didn't think he would LOL

[bubbaganoosh]

I got burned by my girlfriend/fiance way back in 1968 and I went 40..................yep 40 years NC and she made contact with me. Well We got back together in 09. Nine months later I was gone. Same old nonsense even after 40 years. Move on and get on with your life

[janik0226]

Hakuna Matata,

It sounds as though he wants you there whenever he wants you, but doesn't want to deal with the obligations of a committed relationship. That's why he's giving you the "friendship" card. He wants to know that you're still there in his life someway or another. I would go cold and silent on him. Don't even bother explaining to him anything further. He will notice that you're gone. TRUST me! And he may or may not try to contact you again after NC. If he ever does ask you why, then I would calmly tell him that I don't play games and I'm not a punching bag and if he wants to talk about the situation further, then call and NOT text. I know its hard but you know what, you DESERVE more than this. It's taken me a very long time and a lot of heart breaks to figure out that begging a man or asking him a million questions about why he feels the way he does, doesn't get you anywhere. It makes them recluse even further. Hell, they probably don't even understand why they feel the way they do. The very best thing is silence. Let him come to you, and let him feel your absence in his life. I hope that I have been of some help. Best of luck to you!

[janik0226]

I encourage you to check out this BLOG. It's so awesome! Here's the website, http://www.postmalesyndrome.com She gives very good advice for all issues!

[hakuna matata]

Hakuna Matata,

It sounds as though he wants you there whenever he wants you, but doesn't want to deal with the obligations of a committed relationship. That's why he's giving you the "friendship" card. He wants to know that you're still there in his life someway or another. I would go cold and silent on him. Don't even bother explaining to him anything further. He will notice that you're gone. TRUST me! And he may or may not try to contact you again after NC. If he ever does ask you why, then I would calmly tell him that I don't play games and I'm not a punching bag and if he wants to talk about the situation further, then call and NOT text. I know its hard but you know what, you DESERVE more than this. It's taken me a very long time and a lot of heart breaks to figure out that begging a man or asking him a million questions about why he feels the way he does, doesn't get you anywhere. It makes them recluse even further. Hell, they probably don't even understand why they feel the way they do. The very best thing is silence. Let him come to you, and let him feel your absence in his life. I hope that I have been of some help. Best of luck to you!

 

Ever since I cut things off, things have been good and bad. It feels this way just because I cut things off recently so I'm going to have to learn myself what life is like without him either. Yes you are right that a clean break from him would have settled a lot of issues instead of him still talking to me and taking out his frustration on me; in fact, I would have more likely been understanding if he was honest and upfront. Why is that so hard to ask for?! Anyways, I'm still sticking to NC. It's been a month since we broke up and now I'm on day 4 NC.

 

Oh! and thank you for the link! She has some really great advice!

Edited July 13, 2016 by hakuna matata

[nns91]

hakuna_matata:

 

You commented on my thread. Since I don't have the private message function yet, I am gonna write to you here. Our stories have a lot of similarities. Therefore, I could somewhat empathize with what you are going through.

 

I have been on NC for a month now. It's not easy. I feel crappy almost every morning when I wake up. It feels like everything has just been a nightmare. However, as the days get by, things do get a bit better. I don't know if my ex is gonna try to keep me around as a friend or not since she has not tried to contact me. However, she told me when she broke up with me that she still cared for me as a friend. We will see if she will ever reach out to me. However, when I went through the same thing last year, she did reach out to me in time of hardship.

 

Sometimes, things are taken for granted if they are readily available. She knows that I am supportive and always there for her so she thinks I am a safe choice. Therefore, she wants to go out there to explore the world. She is probably so perfect that she will also find her prince charming as well (she might have found him already).

 

I know nothing I said will make you feel better in this tough time. One thing I can say is that let yourself feel crappy when you feel crappy. Don't avoid those feelings! Once you face those downs, you will only be heading up from there.

 

We can talk more if you want!

[hakuna matata]

hakuna_matata:

 

You commented on my thread. Since I don't have the private message function yet, I am gonna write to you here. Our stories have a lot of similarities. Therefore, I could somewhat empathize with what you are going through.

 

I have been on NC for a month now. It's not easy. I feel crappy almost every morning when I wake up. It feels like everything has just been a nightmare. However, as the days get by, things do get a bit better. I don't know if my ex is gonna try to keep me around as a friend or not since she has not tried to contact me. However, she told me when she broke up with me that she still cared for me as a friend. We will see if she will ever reach out to me. However, when I went through the same thing last year, she did reach out to me in time of hardship.

 

Sometimes, things are taken for granted if they are readily available. She knows that I am supportive and always there for her so she thinks I am a safe choice. Therefore, she wants to go out there to explore the world. She is probably so perfect that she will also find her prince charming as well (she might have found him already).

 

I know nothing I said will make you feel better in this tough time. One thing I can say is that let yourself feel crappy when you feel crappy. Don't avoid those feelings! Once you face those downs, you will only be heading up from there.

 

We can talk more if you want!

 

 

I can only imagine myself getting to where you are and yet I know that even then there will still be some painful moments every now and then. It has been a full week of NC for me. Ever since I told my ex that "I'm not ready to be friends and I need this time now to focus on myself and what I want" (said this word for word), he hasn't messaged me since. I don't want to read too much into it but to me that just means that he doesn't want to stir up anything between us.

 

I know I have been a very supportive partner who has tried to give my all in the relationship and somehow it wasn't enough. So yes, you are right, I do feel crappy, I do find it hard some days to let go when I know I should, I do find myself waking up to dreams I had of him, I do find myself slipping into moments when I think about him and what he's doing. Yet, I know that this is only natural.

 

Thank you for responding on here and I really would like to hear more from you.

[nns91]

I can only imagine myself getting to where you are and yet I know that even then there will still be some painful moments every now and then. It has been a full week of NC for me. Ever since I told my ex that "I'm not ready to be friends and I need this time now to focus on myself and what I want" (said this word for word), he hasn't messaged me since. I don't want to read too much into it but to me that just means that he doesn't want to stir up anything between us.

 

I know I have been a very supportive partner who has tried to give my all in the relationship and somehow it wasn't enough. So yes, you are right, I do feel crappy, I do find it hard some days to let go when I know I should, I do find myself waking up to dreams I had of him, I do find myself slipping into moments when I think about him and what he's doing. Yet, I know that this is only natural.

 

Thank you for responding on here and I really would like to hear more from you.

 

Thank you so much for your support, hakuna matata!!! You should know that you have my support as well Yeah, my ex is pretty stubborn. She probably would not message me if she has already found a replacement (likely to be in the romantic way but it can also be in a friendly way).

 

It's still a weird thing to me to have not from her for so long since we used to talk everyday. It does not help that I get a long extremely well with her family. Her parents can talk to me for hours whenever I come over to their place. I actually just saw her family a few days ago (it's a custom in my culture to say hello to her parents whenever I am home from abroad). They actually treated me like nothing has ever happened (I don't know if they know yet, definitely not her brother).

 

I really don't know where I am going with this post. I guess what I am trying to say is that there will be many ups and downs in this journey. My life and your life will never be the same again and we must accept it. That is the hardest thing for me to do. I was pretty much set with this girl since she had everything I was looking for. I think she is just immature and wants to be free. She is looking for this "spark" that I don't know what it is. I guess you can get sparks when there is drama in a relationship. After 5.5 years, I think that spark is now shifted toward a more understanding/supportive relationship rather than a "sparky" one. I don't think it is even healthy to have a sparky relationship for a really long time because it can be tiring.

 

Hang in there my friend! We will get through this together

[hakuna matata]

Thank you so much for your support, hakuna matata!!! You should know that you have my support as well Yeah, my ex is pretty stubborn. She probably would not message me if she has already found a replacement (likely to be in the romantic way but it can also be in a friendly way).

 

It's still a weird thing to me to have not from her for so long since we used to talk everyday. It does not help that I get a long extremely well with her family. Her parents can talk to me for hours whenever I come over to their place. I actually just saw her family a few days ago (it's a custom in my culture to say hello to her parents whenever I am home from abroad). They actually treated me like nothing has ever happened (I don't know if they know yet, definitely not her brother).

 

I really don't know where I am going with this post. I guess what I am trying to say is that there will be many ups and downs in this journey. My life and your life will never be the same again and we must accept it. That is the hardest thing for me to do. I was pretty much set with this girl since she had everything I was looking for. I think she is just immature and wants to be free. She is looking for this "spark" that I don't know what it is. I guess you can get sparks when there is drama in a relationship. After 5.5 years, I think that spark is now shifted toward a more understanding/supportive relationship rather than a "sparky" one. I don't think it is even healthy to have a sparky relationship for a really long time because it can be tiring.

 

Hang in there my friend! We will get through this together

 

Oddly enough, it seems to me that you and I have such a similar mindset when it comes to this "sparky" stuff. I agree that eventually the spark has to slightly diminish as you transition into a supportive and understanding relationship that will be long-lasting. My ex stated that we lost our spark but I can't help but wonder if it was because of his lack of effort that eventually diminished the spark or if its because he's not mature enough to understand that most of the spontaneity of a relationship occurs during the early phases of the relationship (aka honeymoon phase)?

 

How have you been lately and how is your progress thus far?