She was about 40 pounds heavier than she was in her profile pics, and she's into me

[Versacehottie]

I'm going to her place tonight to do the movie. This may be a mistake. But I do want to give her a second chance. I also want to see her in another outfit just so I'll be absolutely sure my eyes weren't playing tricks on me. If she wants to get physical I may tell her that, based on past relationships, I'd like to go slow....which has some truth to it.

 

I should have waited another week to see her, but trying to get out of it now would look bad.

 

 

One possible way to get out of this — tell her I just got out of a relationship and I have a lot of unresolved feelings about it and think it's unfair to make her the rebound girl. That excuse got used on me once. This way, at least I leave the door open to get together in the future if and when she loses weight.

 

I think it 100% is a mistake. You want to be polite and not hurt her right? Well then why let her get even more hooked into you. You already said she was very into you and she sure sounds like an eager beaver. It's just going to crush and confuse her more when you don't like her after the 2nd date. And while I don't think you should point out that the reason you aren't interested is her looks--IMO, going to a second date pretty much says you are fine with her looks!!! So now she will never put 2+2 together on her own (and I'm gonna guess she already knows this is an issue in general for some guys!!) and realize she needs to put up more accurate photos or take better care of herself. Going over there, now she will additionally think she has done something else wrong or needs to try harder or wait it out while you get over the mystery ex. It's pretty cruel. And not respectful and likely to backfire on you (with the professional connections).

 

Idk, if you are calling something a "gut" that's not an outfit change to make it go away or that your eyes were deceiving you. And you are distinctly unattracted to her bc of that. So let's say you get into a half-assed relationship with her or even a handful of dates, you are going to really hurt her because the whole time you are going to wish she was something "different". I mean C'mon you are already thinking of ways not to get physical with her! Every other guy going to some girls house tonight to watch a movie, is thinking of ways TO GET physical. Surely you don't need an ego boost this badly, do you?

[joseb]

Yeah pumping and dumping her is going to make you look great to all these professional contacts.

Even worse, you lead her on and bail with a lame bs excuse,

(facepalm)

[PogoStick]

Ah man. Why you doing the movie unless you want some sex? In which case say like: Hey I find you attractive but I don't think we're a match for a long term relationship. See if she bites.

 

But seriously why bother when you're disgusted by her?

 

And yeah, girls do that ALL the time on OLD. All the headshots, and that infamous from above selfie, where her breasts hide her gut. Yeah they're shameless, and then will complain that a guy is 2 inches shorter than his profile lists. Yet a girl will be 75 lbs overweight and list herself as "average".

 

That's the game man. Either play it or don't.

[Dis]

You're making a big mistake here.

 

You KNOW you're not attracted to her and you never will be. I think your options are just running low so you're trying to make something work that clearly isnt meant to

 

Why dont you have the balls to be honest and tell her you dont see it going anywhere??? You could say that in a text for gods sakes.

 

If you dont even have to balls to do that then ghost her...thats better than leading her on which is exactly what you're doing

 

I know she misrepresented herself which is kind of a desperate move...but now I'm beginning to think you're the deseperate one

[angel.eyes]

My thoughts exactly.

[preraph]

Yeah, and I bet he represented himself as a nice guy in his profile.

[Dis]

Yeah, and I bet he represented himself as a nice guy in his profile.

 

Most of them do...I'm sure he'd come across as unbelievably charming if he had said, "Dont message me if you have a gut"

[Buddhist]

(1) All the pictures I posted of myself were recent and accurate. Why didn't this woman — and others — post pics of themselves that accurately show what they look like today? She has to know as soon as she meets me that the jig is up, right? Because if I reject her I'm the villain now, even though I represented myself accurately and she didn't. Do people just not think about these things?

 

Because they know men will reject them out of hand based on a photo without even bothering to look further or see if they really have anything to offer besides a size 2 arse. Some reason that some men write things like I want to make a connection, I'm a nice guy, when what they really are is someone looking for a hot body and they don't care either way about any kind of connection as long as she looks good. People, lie to get what they want. Go figure.

 

(2) If you were in my situation what would you do?

 

I just wouldn't offer a second date with no explanations as to why. Same thing you would do with any person you date and don't feel it with.

 

(3) Is there a polite way out of this without hurting her feelings?

 

Yes you just say thanks for meeting up but I'm not feeling any chemistry. End of story.

 

I don't see a way out of this without me having some huge degree of guilt.

 

Only if you insist on telling her it's because she is in your eye's fat.

Edited July 3, 2016 by Buddhist

[Dis]

Gotta love Loveshack. Girl uses misleading photos to trick a guy into meeting her, and the ladies of Loveshack villify the man, not the deceptive woman.

 

No no no...see my intitial post (on the first page). I agreed I would be pissed too if a guy did that to me.

 

What I do not agree with is the OP leading the girl on when he clearly isnt attracted to her.

 

The girl was wrong for misrepresenting herself and he's wrong for leading her on

[Dark Horse]

I can put myself into the shoes of a heavy lady.

 

I'm a pretty short dude, I mean like 5 ft 3 short and my height will probably be a turn off for a good chunk of women. So if I ever go on any Tinder dates and they realize how short I am, it will be bad.

 

I mean i'm already nervous enough since iv'e never been on a date, but now I have to worry if she's going to think i'm too short.

 

It's bad.

Edited July 3, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[phineas]

(facepalm)

 

WHY???? Are you doing this??

 

Do you have ANY idea how this looks on her end? By going over to her place on a second date, you are signaling definite interest. Most "second date at my place" dates are code for "sexy times."

 

Stop making excuses ("I just got out of a relationship"), and just ... don't go!

 

I'm beginning to think you actually DO find her attractive, but somehow have a hard time admitting that you'd be attracted to an overweight woman. He doth protest too much, methinks.

 

This.

It's the equivalent of a woman continuing to date a man who treats her bad, asking her friends what she should do then ignoring all the advice and going out with the guy again.

 

OP, are you a closet chubby-chaser?

[GoodOnPaper]

I'm beginning to think you actually DO find her attractive, but somehow have a hard time admitting that you'd be attracted to an overweight woman. He doth protest too much, methinks.

 

I sense a conflictedness on the OP's part, too. I went through it myself when my wife and I were first together - she's always been very heavy and has lost and re-gained ~ 100 lbs several times. There is a lot of paranoia on LS about being seen with or associated with an overweight woman. But a lot of people on the site are young. As you progress through life and all its responsibilities, there are a lot more important things to worry about being judged on.

 

Of course, comments like this don't help . . .

 

OP, are you a closet chubby-chaser?

 

Overweight women can be attractive or unattractive on an individual basis, believe it or not.

[losangelena]

I sense a conflictedness on the OP's part, too. I went through it myself when my wife and I were first together - she's always been very heavy and has lost and re-gained ~ 100 lbs several times. There is a lot of paranoia on LS about being seen with or associated with an overweight woman. But a lot of people on the site are young. As you progress through life and all its responsibilities, there are a lot more important things to worry about being judged on.

 

Of course, comments like this don't help . . .

 

 

 

Overweight women can be attractive or unattractive on an individual basis, believe it or not.

 

As someone who used to be morbidly obese and is now on the heavier end of "normal," I completely agree with this. It's a ridiculous notion that the worst thing a woman could be is fat. Call me crazy, but wouldn't it be worse if a woman were mentally unstable, likely to burn your house down or smash your windshield; possessed bad spending habits and put you in debt forever; turned out to be a hoarder?

 

It's OK to like fat women. It's completely OK.

[sunshine2]

Thank you Goodonpaper for your comments. I totally agree. Women can be beautiful even if they carry extra weight.

 

I have lost 60lbs and feel better, but I am far from skinny. My honest opinion is OP is attracted to this woman and actually feels bad about feeling that way. TV, Ads and peer pressure make us all believe what beautiful is and in most cases if you do carry extra weight, then you are deemed not attractive in the OLD world. I do say I carry extra weight and have full length current pictures of myself, and some of my photos are even when I was heavier, which I should remove. LOL

 

I have dated men who are average, overweight, or just as tall as I am, and the only thing I care about is compatibility, chemistry and if he is a good person. But that comes with age like you said.

 

I myself feel like hiding in a closet and never coming out when I hear comments about women being overweight and how god awful that is... Uggh

[katiegrl]

OP, how was your movie date at her place last night?

 

Have you changed your mind about her?

 

Please update, thanks!!

[elaine567]

This.

It's the equivalent of a woman continuing to date a man who treats her bad,

 

Erm...no.

She hasn't treated him bad at all.

Fat girls do not equate with bad boys, surely?

[leogirl876]

Let me just stress this, if you have no interest in calling her, DON"T say I'll call you or we'll talk or anything like that. When ending the date, just saying thank you for coming out tonight and leave it at that. When a guy says he'll call and doesn't, I personally think that's what hurts women the most because they get their hopes up and feel rejected over & over until they finally realize the guy isn't gonna call. I'm not saying what she did was right, but posting misleading pics, I wouldn't like that either, that happened to me with a guy. He posted younger, thinner pics of himself and he was obviously chubbier now, but that wasn't a deal breaker for me. We just didn't have chemistry. But please, seriously, don't tell a girl you'll call when you have no intention of not doing it. And if you have contacts in common, it's best to just walk away with dignity.

[longjohn]

I too wonder how it went? Did he pump & dump? Did he get sign up for a third date? Did he tell he wasn't interested? Hopefully he won't wake up one day married to her thinking what did I do lol!

[BeholdtheMan]

It is absolutely wrong to misrepresent yourself as slim when you're currently chubby.

 

This goes for both men and women.

 

If a guy who is currently a chubby 220 pounder uses old photos of when he was a chiseled Adonis at 180lbs...that is misleading and dishonest

[Lorenza]

I think it's perfectly normal to expect people to look like their pictures, though we rarely put up the ones that represents us 100% accurately. Everyone looks better in their pictures because they choose the most flattering angle, lightning and so on. It's good to have in mind that the person you're gonna meet is probably gonna look slightly less attractive than the pictures.

 

In Op's case I understand his frustration, but I think he's struggling because he finds this woman appealing despite her "gut" and he's ashamed to admit it to himself Usually men who find a certain woman repulsive, have no problem rejecting her.

[salparadise]

I understand his frustration, but I think he's struggling because he finds this woman appealing despite her "gut" and he's ashamed to admit it to himself

 

Maybe so, but more than that. First, he connected with her personally, so she's no longer the generic fat woman... she's a real person, with a cute face and presumably a decent personality. Secondly, he's been sipping the coolaid about how superficial men are, all they care about is looks, yada, yada... and feels bad about playing into that stereotype. Third, he's used to the women being the choosers... you know, men apply and women decide who gets the job. Fourth, he's sensitive to her feelings and doesn't want to be callous, and certainly doesn't want to say it's because she's overweight.

 

So, mostly the way men are socialized to behave with women. I think he needs to let most of that go and be realistic; men can be choosers too, and physical attraction is a perfectly legitimate reason to not pursue it further. It was one date, and she didn't look like her pics, so he really doesn't owe her anything.

 

If the shoe were on the other foot and she were fit and toned, I guarantee that she wouldn't have any problem rejecting a man who didn't meet her expectation.

 

He can simply not follow up for a second date, or he can say I don't think we have the connection I'm looking for, or whatever. Just be kind and don't say it's about the weight (she probably knows).

[Otter2569]

OMG I had one of those too. I looked at her pics for signs of "size" and it looked ok...of course the used the high angle and boob centric pics to camouflage the weight so when we met and I went for the hug you could practically hear a cosmic "Oh, F-ck!

 

I got through the date and luckily discovered that she was not divorced yet and her husband was an ass - that was my out. Obviously I could have been more direct but it was easier than saying you are too fat for me.

 

Note: high angle pics = fat. The higher the angle the bigger.

[losangelena]

Maybe so, but more than that. First, he connected with her personally, so she's no longer the generic fat woman... she's a real person, with a cute face and presumably a decent personality. Secondly, he's been sipping the coolaid about how superficial men are, all they care about is looks, yada, yada... and feels bad about playing into that stereotype. Third, he's used to the women being the choosers... you know, men apply and women decide who gets the job. Fourth, he's sensitive to her feelings and doesn't want to be callous, and certainly doesn't want to say it's because she's overweight.

 

So, mostly the way men are socialized to behave with women. I think he needs to let most of that go and be realistic; men can be choosers too, and physical attraction is a perfectly legitimate reason to not pursue it further. It was one date, and she didn't look like her pics, so he really doesn't owe her anything.

 

If the shoe were on the other foot and she were fit and toned, I guarantee that she wouldn't have any problem rejecting a man who didn't meet her expectation.

 

He can simply not follow up for a second date, or he can say I don't think we have the connection I'm looking for, or whatever. Just be kind and don't say it's about the weight (she probably knows).

 

I don't buy it. Maybe if he'd only said, "I'll call you" after date one, but then he went to her place. A man who had not one once of attraction would not do that.

[kendahke]

Gotta love Loveshack. Girl uses misleading photos to trick a guy into meeting her, and the ladies of Loveshack villify the man, not the deceptive woman.

 

Fact is, he's the one who got himself into the mess he's in because he didn't stand in his truth. He had his first meeting and found out. There should be nothing more to this or about this *IF* he's that overwrought about being deceived by a stranger. However, he wants to go back in instead of cutting her loose. Why is that? Not getting a lot of interest in OLD, so he's taking what he can get? Gee, why is that?

 

He should have had the first meeting, then tell her "I don't feel any chemistry. Good luck in your search". He chose not to do that. Instead, he's more invested in punishing a stranger for disappointing his first impression than he is in looking bad in the eyes of professional contacts hence him asking us should he do this second date; but the fact is, no matter what he does now, if she chooses to say something about how he acted towards her to them, there's nothing much he can do to stop it. He should not have gotten greedy with the "I punish you" and just left when it was simpler.

 

Yeah--people--women AND MEN--lie in their pictures. If you do OLD, then understand that and account for that.

 

I've had it repeatedly happen to me. They're either balder, fatter, more decrepit, more irresponsible in their life. I've never just had a "turn key" experience with any man on OLD--there is always something that didn't match their profile.

[losangelena]

You don't understand men as well as you think you do.

 

Yeah, clearly.