Milinko Posted June 28, 2016 Posted June 28, 2016 I don't have a lot of time, so I will try to tell this story as quick as possible. I am Russian, living in the US. Male, in my 30s, very introverted with not much of a social life. A couple weeks ago I got bored and decided to go out and have a drink by myself. Well, I met this girl. She was not that good looking, but we ended up having a really interesting conversation and talking until the bar closed. Something seemed a little different about her. But I figured that was because she was drinking and buzzed. Well, I ended up going home with her and sleeping with her. The sex was awesome. I don't know if it's because she was just really good in bed, or because I haven't had sex in a really long time. But either way, it was just insane. I didn't spend the night with her. I left after we were done. She was ok with it. She said she didn't feel right about me sleeping at her house anyway. Well, some time went by and I kept thinking about her and wanting to see her again. But I didn't get any of her contact information. Yes, I know where she lives. But I don't just want to show up at her house like a stalker. I don't even know her last name. Now I feel like I need to give a disclaimer. I know this next part might make me sound like a troll. I'm not a troll. This really happened. I went to the bar where I met her. I don't go there often. And the same bar tender was working that was working the night I met her. I asked him if he remembers me and the girl I was talking to, and if she comes in there a lot. I normally don't talk about my sex life. But he wanted to know why I was asking about her. And I told him well, man to man, I went home with her and I kind of like her. But I don't know how to contact her. Well he remembered her, and so did the other female bartender that works there. And they both stood there and gave me all this crap about going home with her. Why? Because well according tot hem she's (I will say it nicely, they didn't) mentally challenged. I don't know if this forum allows the use of the R word that is derogatory toward people like that. But that's what they both called her. He was like, "You couldn't tell?" He told me he thought we were leaving because the bar was closing and if he would have known I was going home with her he would have stopped it. So, now I don't know what to think. If she does have some mental problem and really is that, then it's really hard to tell. I haven't been around many mentally disabled people though. I guess they could be lying. But what motivation would they have to lie about something like that? And if she is... then I feel really disgusted with myself. I haven't been laid in forever, then it finally happens and it's with someone like that. And isn't that also against the law? Because mentally disabled people can't really consent can they? I wish I had more time to write this and better explain how I feel here. I am in kind of a hurry. I am not trying to disrespect mentally disable people or make assumptions about them. But I do have limited knowledge about them. So I am truly sorry if any of this is offensive. I still want to talk to this girl and see what's up. I think they were lying about her. I'm just not sure what to do here. Any help please?
Author Milinko Posted June 29, 2016 Author Posted June 29, 2016 Wow, after posting this and then going to work, I thought there would be at least one reply here by the time I got home.
JewelD Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 How drunk were you? Unless you were completely blitzed, I can't imagine you wouldn't have been able to tell if she was mentally challenged. and I wouldn't trust those bartenders. Why are they serving alcohol to a mentally challenged person? Maybe they were joking with you? But if she was mentally challenged, she's obviously high functioning if she can go out to bars and lives on her own. You can be mentally challenged to a degree and still be able to consent. Plus, mentally challenged could mean a lot of things, it's a broad spectrum. If you like her, you should try to talk to her and find out the truth. People use the "R" word very loosely nowadays. 5
Author Milinko Posted June 29, 2016 Author Posted June 29, 2016 How drunk were you? Unless you were completely blitzed, I can't imagine you wouldn't have been able to tell if she was mentally challenged. and I wouldn't trust those bartenders. Why are they serving alcohol to a mentally challenged person? Maybe they were joking with you? But if she was mentally challenged, she's obviously high functioning if she can go out to bars and lives on her own. You can be mentally challenged to a degree and still be able to consent. Plus, mentally challenged could mean a lot of things, it's a broad spectrum. If you like her, you should try to talk to her and find out the truth. People use the "R" word very loosely nowadays. I wondered about this too... the alcohol thing I mean. They were making fun of me for banging a retarded girl, yet they serve that same girl alcohol whenever she comes in there. (And they made it sound like she comes in there a lot.) I thought there were laws against serving someone alcohol who isn't mentally competent. But I also haven't lived in the US all that long and it's not like I have ever looked into such laws. I wasn't drunk. When we left the bar I had a buzz. And so did she. But I wouldn't say either of us were drunk. We actually drank a little more when we got back to her house.
JewelD Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 Yeah, you probably have nothing to worry about if you weren't wasted. It's pretty easy to pick up on people's mannerisms and you would have noticed if something was severely wrong. 'Worst' case scenario, she has some sort of mental disability but is high functioning and capable of consent. Maybe the bartenders just don't like her for some reason and wanted to poke fun at your expense. But from what I've seen, people with severe mental disabilities who aren't capable of consent don't live alone or frequent bars by themselves. Unless they have terrible families. 1
basil67 Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 I'm writing this as the mother of a young adult who has an intellectual disability. I don't know your laws, but I would think that a person with an mild-moderate intellectual disability is able to give consent. Otherwise, they'd never find love and long term partners. Anyone interested in disability rights will tell you that a person with an intellectual disability has as much right to love and a relationship as anyone else. The way I see it, this woman you met had the intellectual ability to get herself to the bar. She had the ability to chat with you and enjoy herself. If she does have a intellectual disability, we're not talking about a significant one. If we are to assume she does have a mild disability, I see your actions as treating her like a regular woman. Is this really such a bad thing? She didn't exchange numbers with you, so I doubt she was seeing you as a boyfriend. If you see her again, be gracious. That is all. 9
basil67 Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 I wondered about this too... the alcohol thing I mean. They were making fun of me for banging a retarded girl, yet they serve that same girl alcohol whenever she comes in there. (And they made it sound like she comes in there a lot.) I thought there were laws against serving someone alcohol who isn't mentally competent. But I also haven't lived in the US all that long and it's not like I have ever looked into such laws. It would be discriminatory to refuse service of alcohol to someone on the basis that they have a mild intellectual disability. Sure, the bartender has a duty of care in respect to stopping service if they get too drunk - but this is the same for all their patrons. My son's mates all have mild intellectual disabilities and go to the pub together. Some drink beer and others drink soda, but they want to enjoy a night out just the same as the rest of us.
Teknoe Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 I'm writing this as the mother of a young adult who has an intellectual disability. I don't know your laws, but I would think that a person with an mild-moderate intellectual disability is able to give consent. Otherwise, they'd never find love and long term partners. Anyone interested in disability rights will tell you that a person with an intellectual disability has as much right to love and a relationship as anyone else. The way I see it, this woman you met had the intellectual ability to get herself to the bar. She had the ability to chat with you and enjoy herself. If she does have a intellectual disability, we're not talking about a significant one. If we are to assume she does have a mild disability, I see your actions as treating her like a regular woman. Is this really such a bad thing? She didn't exchange numbers with you, so I doubt she was seeing you as a boyfriend. If you see her again, be gracious. That is all. Good post, and totally agreed. 2
booboomane Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 Not every mentally challenged person is hand to the chest, slobbering everywhere challenged. As vulgar as that sounds, its obviously true. The point is, if she wasnt severly/heavily challenged, its beyond reasonable you didnt notice. Its nothing you expected nor were looking for. Again, as bad as this may sound, i wouldnt stress over it. You unknowingly made a mistake. If i were you, i couldnt care less what the bartenders or anybody else thought if you truly had no idea she had a problem. I just wouldnt go around telling anyone.
todreaminblue Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 Basil 67 wrote a beautiful post that is so true..... mental disability does not mean undeserving of love and affection...i think the bartenders were quite rude to discuss her in such a manner...and in saying that....i wouldnt take what they have to say as gospel considering they serve her alcohol as another poster pointed out..... i think its easy for people to classify people as mentally challenged when they are different or do things differently.....the fact is you had a conversation with this woman for a very long time and noticed nothing out of the ordinary...you must have found her easy to talk to .......and obviously she wasnt drunk so can control her alcohol consumption......enough to carry on a convo and have insane sex after..... it is often the case when people have challenges they become broader minded ...more open....what the average people define as a mentally challenged person is actually possibly a person with a deeper understanding of others in general because of their own challenges and trials in life.... when i was a girl i was often called a retard....i was called this when i wouldnt respond to bullying behaviors.....or when i didnt cry out when kids threw rocks at me...or when i didnt fight back.i woul dstand up again and silently protest........or when i asked bullies to just leave me alone .....i didnt understand why they would pick on me in the first place.......it would confuse me and i would retreat inward......i was just a shy introverted girl....not a retard......... this may be the case with this woman.....she just may be different and people make false assumptions on her mental capabilities.....i have the distinct impressions at times that people think im mentally challenged because i say thank you for little things like thanking people for listening to me....i just think its the right thing to do, that i am recognising they listened ...and not just hearing me with their ears...listening is very different to hearing....listening is a choice...hearing is not......people find it strange when i say thankyou for listening... my girls dont though.....when i thank them for listening.....i have heard them thank people now for exactly the same thing...i am starting a trend in my own family...lol...ahem... anyway...as basil 67 said..be gracious if you meet her again...and dont let others assumptions blind you to a woman you found a connection with....she obviously is mentally capable enough to have interested you in the first place..........best wishes ...deb...... 2
Grapesofwrath Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 Whether she has a developmental delay or not, those two bartenders are tools. None of their business to share that with you. She is a patron of their establishment, if they are to be believed on that, and she did with you the same thing that countless people have no doubt done in that bar: picked someone up, took them home, and had sex. You didn't go back there to get her IQ test results. You went to figure out how to get in touch with her. It was mean of them to say this. 1
Author Milinko Posted June 29, 2016 Author Posted June 29, 2016 if you dont mind, could you describe more about her?. what was her house like? did she live with other people (care takers)? Her house was big, and old. Her kitchen was kind of messy, and she even apologized for it being that way. Her living room, bedroom and the bathroom weren't messy though. They were definitely lived in, but not messy. She lived alone, which actually surprised me. Because of how big her house was I assumed she had roommates. I'm not sure if you want to know anything about her specifically. She was dressed in all black. I thought she was pretty short, but I am 6'4'', so most people are short next to me. She was pretty average looking. Nothing about the way she looked was off I guess.
Author Milinko Posted June 29, 2016 Author Posted June 29, 2016 Basil 67 wrote a beautiful post that is so true..... mental disability does not mean undeserving of love and affection...i think the bartenders were quite rude to discuss her in such a manner...and in saying that....i wouldnt take what they have to say as gospel considering they serve her alcohol as another poster pointed out..... i think its easy for people to classify people as mentally challenged when they are different or do things differently.....the fact is you had a conversation with this woman for a very long time and noticed nothing out of the ordinary...you must have found her easy to talk to .......and obviously she wasnt drunk so can control her alcohol consumption......enough to carry on a convo and have insane sex after..... it is often the case when people have challenges they become broader minded ...more open....what the average people define as a mentally challenged person is actually possibly a person with a deeper understanding of others in general because of their own challenges and trials in life.... when i was a girl i was often called a retard....i was called this when i wouldnt respond to bullying behaviors.....or when i didnt cry out when kids threw rocks at me...or when i didnt fight back.i woul dstand up again and silently protest........or when i asked bullies to just leave me alone .....i didnt understand why they would pick on me in the first place.......it would confuse me and i would retreat inward......i was just a shy introverted girl....not a retard......... this may be the case with this woman.....she just may be different and people make false assumptions on her mental capabilities.....i have the distinct impressions at times that people think im mentally challenged because i say thank you for little things like thanking people for listening to me....i just think its the right thing to do, that i am recognising they listened ...and not just hearing me with their ears...listening is very different to hearing....listening is a choice...hearing is not......people find it strange when i say thankyou for listening... my girls dont though.....when i thank them for listening.....i have heard them thank people now for exactly the same thing...i am starting a trend in my own family...lol...ahem... anyway...as basil 67 said..be gracious if you meet her again...and dont let others assumptions blind you to a woman you found a connection with....she obviously is mentally capable enough to have interested you in the first place..........best wishes ...deb...... She might be just a shy introverted person like you said. And maybe I felt comfortable with her because I am also really introverted. Not to sound judgmental or anything but it has been my experience so far that Americans are not easy to talk to at all. I don't go out much. I don't really have a social life. I will be gracious if I see her again. I'm hoping I do see her again. 1
bathtub-row Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 I don't see how she could be extremely mentally challenged because she sounds highly functional to me. You obviously felt some connection with her so I think you should try to get to know her. I don't think there's anything wrong with showing up at her house but, if you don't want her to do that, then send her flowers with a note asking if it would be ok for you to take her out and pick her up on a certain day (i.e., Friday at 7pm), and give her your phone number. Good luck and keep us posted. 2
Author Milinko Posted June 29, 2016 Author Posted June 29, 2016 last question: how old was she and Was it a two story house (like with stairs)? If she lived alone then I don't see how she can be mentally challenged or else she would have had care takers of some kind. Who ever said she was mental/retarded didn't know what they were talking about at all. You're in the clear. Yes, it was a two story house. We went upstairs to her room to have sex. I honestly don't know how old she was. She looked about 28. I am 33 and she definitely looked younger than me.
todreaminblue Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 She might be just a shy introverted person like you said. And maybe I felt comfortable with her because I am also really introverted. Not to sound judgmental or anything but it has been my experience so far that Americans are not easy to talk to at all. I don't go out much. I don't really have a social life. I will be gracious if I see her again. I'm hoping I do see her again. i am sure you will be gracious..because you write exactly that way...i like the way you think and i wish you all the best and hope you do get that chance to meet her again...good luck....deb 1
Author Milinko Posted July 2, 2016 Author Posted July 2, 2016 Hi All, I posted here earlier this week about this girl I met and had a one night stand with. I didn't get any of her contact info. So I went to the bar where I met her and asked if she goes in there a lot. Well, the two bartenders told me she's retarded. (And I apologize to the mods if that word isn't allowed on this forum. I know in some places online it's censored. I will change it if you let me know.) Here is my other thread, if anyone wants the more detailed story. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/586251-weird-situation-one-night-stand-girl-people-think-mentally-challenged So anyway... I followed the advice of some people here and on another forum I posted on, and went to her house. I didn't have any contact info, but I knew where she lived. I left her a note with my number and basically telling her I had a good time with her and want to see her again. I also told her if she's not interested, then no hard feelings. Well, she didn't call, but she did text me Thursday afternoon. I asked her if I could take her out Friday night. She had to work. So, we are going out tonight. So... tonight's the night. I am so nervous. I feel like a teenager, lol. We have pretty much been texting ever since Thursday. Even being from two different cultures, we have loads in common. I'm still not sure what we are going to do tonight, but I have a few ideas. I am kind of waiting to see what feels right. We are meeting at the bar where we met the first time. (Yes this is the same bar where the bartenders told me that about her.) She was the one who suggested we meet there. She apparently doesn't know that's how they feel about her. So, I plan on staying there for one drink maybe and then suggesting we go somewhere else. As far as what they said... I think it's pretty clear she is not retarded. She lives alone. She has a job. She is capable of having a conversation, both face to face and in text messages. She told me she prefers to text rather than talk on the phone. Someone told me that is a trait of Autistic people. I don't know though, I haven't known many Autistic people. Either way, I really don't care what anyone thinks about her or about me. I like her, and I am pursuing this. Screw the idiot bartenders who talk crap about their customers. So, I just wanted to update everyone. Cheers! 1
smackie9 Posted July 2, 2016 Posted July 2, 2016 There are a lot of well functioning normal people who have some form of autism. There are different types....some more severe than others. I agree those bartenders are jerks. Best of luck.
Author Milinko Posted July 2, 2016 Author Posted July 2, 2016 There are a lot of well functioning normal people who have some form of autism. There are different types....some more severe than others. I agree those bartenders are jerks. Best of luck. It almost seems like anyone with any personality quirk has a mental disorder anymore. And in the US (it has been my observation) that they just hand out diagnosis like candy. She also wouldn't let me kiss hr on the mouth when we slept together. I remember hearing somewhere that Autistic people are a lot more reserved when it comes to physical affection and all that.
preraph Posted July 2, 2016 Posted July 2, 2016 Sounds like the guy at the bar had sour grapes because he got nowhere with her. She might have some issue or not. But only getting to know her will find that out. Good luck. Why not take her out and postpone sex for a few dates until you talk to her a lot and learn about her.
Author Milinko Posted July 2, 2016 Author Posted July 2, 2016 Sounds like the guy at the bar had sour grapes because he got nowhere with her. She might have some issue or not. But only getting to know her will find that out. Good luck. Why not take her out and postpone sex for a few dates until you talk to her a lot and learn about her. Well, that might happen, actually. I am not going into this date tonight expecting to have sex with her. The fact that we already have kind of takes away some of that tension, actually. Because whether or not most people admit it, that is always in the back of their mind while out with someone. People on dates are always on some level wondering how far they will get, what the other person looks like naked, etc. I've already been that far and already seen her naked. So now I can focus on her as a person and not as a sex object. I don't have the expectation... but I won't necessarily turn it down either if she wants it.
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