applelicious Posted July 2, 2016 Posted July 2, 2016 Throwaway just in case. We went out for five-six years. We began a relationship in the summer after I graduated high school. The following year, I moved out from home in the fall. He moved in a week later. It wasn't meant that way but he moved in and said it was his home now and I liked his company. I didn't see him seriously as I didn't have the courage to present him to my family because of his age. He was kept a secret until last year. He talked about marriage two years into the relationship and said if he didn't meet my mom he could not be married to me. During these years I was talking to this other guy my age that I met online. My bf found out about it months before moving in with me and he was hurt but forgave me. I was very sorry and realized I felt more than I thought for my bf. I stopped contact with the guy . But I just couldn't see a future with bf, though I wanted one, because I would never have the courage to introduce him to my family. I led a ****ing double life of sorts. In the second year, I found that bf was contacting his ex recently which destroyed my ego my pride. I was so upset. He was apologizing and moving mountains for me for the next three years. I was so angry and depressed. My grades went down. I miscarried a surprise pregnancy. And my bf was so so supportive. And now i feel so bad rhat i was so lost in sadness, anger, worry and i took him for granted. And my mother didn't know all this bad crap that was going on and I did everything for her not to know. I didn't want to disappoint her. She had never known me to have a boyfriend. He was my first everything. And I have always been a good student, good everything in her eyes and I knew this would upset her. Plus she suffers from depression as well. I didn't want to damage his career, so when I went to counseling I quit going because they asked too many questions about him. I needed help and someone I could confide in about this betrayal and anger I felt. Three years ago I started working full time. I became tired and more bitter from work. We would argue alot. I cheated on him with the other guy. Nothing justifies what I did. I was so angry still, bitter, and I thought since he was older he had alot of history with sex and relationships and I was so insecure and felt I should too in a way. It was a huge mistake. I came clean. Told him when a year later I found out he was talking to someone else. He left. This was last year I had a rebound. I was so depressed. I realized all I did wrong. Though he wronged me as well, I felt it was my fault. I know it was. I took him for granted. He got tired of trying but I was left so insecure because of my inexperience, our ages, and that I just could not tell my mom bout him. When I was dating the rebound, the exbf came to visit my mom who was living with me temporarily after he moved out. She had no idea. I mean she suspected I was with someone or had been. But she never realized who he was. He came over to introduce himself. I saw his car leaving that evening as I was coming back home with the rebound. I was relieved that he had been the one to do it finally. But scared at my moms reaction. She was crying and serious. She told me everytjing I'd heard about older men dating young. Etc. Then when I spoke to her about him as the days went on, what went on etc she broke down again and apologized and said she didn't know him. I saw the ex often and we spoke often. We never quit seeing other. He said he needed time etc. Mom got a home and left. I was alone again. Missed him terribly. I loved him. And i was regretting all my wrongs. He started spending every night there since september after I had a second degree burn cooking accident. He took care of my wounds. But I wanted him to live with me. To have a relationship with me. I was confused. I feel I let him walk all over me and I'd be making excuses if I say that he needed time etc. We would fight. We would be ok. This February he said that he felt ready to live with me again. He'd move in in march. He wanted some space completely without talking at all. He said he would realize alot of things when he had time to his own. It was tough. We would fight when he lived there but because he was spending alot of time away still during the day. I found a love note in his work bag. He said it couldve been old etc. Then some woman called me incessantly throughout march and april until i didnt hang up on her one time and she told me all about him seeing her but that they were jut friends and she wanted to know what was going on To make it short. I left apartment finally. He was upset said he needed time to think. That he wanted to be alone. I gathered everything and left. Lease doesn't end til august. Last month we met up. He said he wanted to move into the apartment and would I move back in. I said no. There is no trust etc. I changed my number. He emails me because e doesn't know where I live now. He said he sees her occasionally when I asked. But he keeps saying he is moving in in a week. I love him. I feel so ****ing frustrated and tired right now. What's his deal? If you need more info, ask. I tried to keep it brief. What do I do? Advice please
Cherryz Posted July 2, 2016 Posted July 2, 2016 You way you typed is not attractive to read. no enters...... Anyways how old are you... underage ...... Eitherway 18 years gap is to much. This wont work.Find some one of your age.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted July 3, 2016 Posted July 3, 2016 Hi Applelicious! There are so many feelings I can sense in your mind, and in your effort to (thrive, really)... and it is all very normal (even though the details and the blow-by-blow make everybody wonder to the contrary). What I mean is... that it is "normal" for you to have been smitten by the attention of a much-older person. It feels great to be validated that way. It is also very "normal" that you considered the feeling of others during your efforts to act and react (your mother, for example). So what if, during the course of your own independent and genuine efforts to go forward and thrive during your early adulthood, you have just been derailed by one significant thing: When somebody much older sets (his) sights on a much-younger person romantically, it usually indicates that the older person lacks the typical confidence and sense of self that is most ideal in a mate. It is SO difficult to see this, while at the same time you are the younger person for whom it is perfectly normal to be drawn TO the attention of an older (guy). So what if, while you were just trying to feel your way through early adulthood, this guy's lack of confidence is what was dragging YOU down the whole while?? I am not even going to suggest that giant age gaps are a bad thing... for surely there are lots of young women who grew up without a father figure, and they look to replace that, in the men they date (who are so often all too eager to date them). And many of those relationships thrive for each being what the other one seems to need. So it isn't the case that all vast age gaps in romantic relationships are bad... BUT it may just be a strong indication of a guy's lack of appropriate confidence when he, at age 35-ish, looks to date a teenager. So then, even after such a relationship, how is a girl supposed to get back on track and allow her mind to ever sense how a strong and thriving relationship is supposed to be??? (the tricky part, still, is the idea that what can be completely normal for a young woman to be smitten by the attention of an older guy... while at the same time the guy's interest sends off a red flag of a sort, about his social confidence ) (and how is a young and inexperienced person supposed to be able to identify such a red flag while she is experiencing those normal feelings of validation, which are so often overwhelming in a good way ?) I think you are on a good path, in slowly distancing yourself from him. And I hope this makes you think... 1
oldshirt Posted July 3, 2016 Posted July 3, 2016 young women often think that the reason older men come on to them and want to be with them is because they are younger and cuter and prettier etc than women their own age. It's easy for a young women to fall for an older man because they often seem more stable and have achieved success and wisdom etc etc and the young women feel safe and protected etc etc. But this is all a falsehood and illusion. The reality is the older who seek out relationships with much younger women is because women their own age won't give them the time of day because they can see how messed up they are. Older men that enter into relationships with much younger women do so because they are more easily manipulated and are easier for them to control and dominate. If they were to try to pull their crap with a grown up woman she would tell them to go #$@# themselves where as a young and inexperienced woman would fall for their line of BS. This is why we have laws protecting minors, but unfortunately once someone turns 18 they are kind of on their own. The fact that you spent so much time and effort keeping him a dirty little secret shows that you knew this wasn't right and that people who love and care about you would have an issue with it. What he did was predatorial, unethical and immoral but was not technically illegal. What you did was kind of a combination of naivete' and playing with fire and doing what you knew you shouldn't. As far as what to do, I think deep down you know exactly what you need to do. You may have been young and dumb a few years ago, but now you have gained experience and should be starting to see the light. Now you are probably (hopefully) beginning to understand why young girls should not be taken in by the fake and false charms of older men. You are now starting to become wise and smart enough to see his true colors. You know what you need to do. You just don't quite have the confidence in yourself to trust your own judgement yet because you have had an older guy manipulating you and telling you what to do and what to think and how to feel all these years. As I am an older man myself (hence the name 'Oldshirt') I am not going to tell you what to do but rather say that you should now be old enough and experienced enough and wise enough to make your own decisions for your own well being by now. Have some faith in your own experience and your own wisdom. Make your own decisions and reap the rewards as well as pay the consequences of those decisions. It's time to grow up now and do what is right and what is best, even though it might be tough and it might cause some unpleasant feelings. Welcome to adulthood.
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