A guy is not kissing me after 4th date

[turningpoint]

Hi all,

 

Just finished with a lovely 4th date with a guy and feelings are starting to develop. For some background our 3rd date was a couple of weeks ago and went okay. We pecked on the 2nd date and I was hoping to make out on the 3rd but we pecked once and he pulled away on the 3rd date too. I took the hint and figured he wasn't interested. I asked him for another date and he agreed but I cancelled it as I figured he didn't like me and was just agreeing out of politeness. We didn't talk for 3 days after I cancelled the date and then he texted me asking if we can still go on a 4th date and saying how he wanted to see me again.

 

So I agreed thinking maybe he is interested. We went out and I was happily surprised that we have a lot more in common than I thought and we had a great time. He paid for my meal (even though i offerred) and kept extending the date so the date was 5 hours. He makes a lot of sexual jokes which imply he's attracted to me and we play fight which heightens the tension. Hes always getting close and playfully touching me. So I said screw it i am gonna make out with this guy before the date ends since I figured maybe he thinks I'm not interested in him. He drops me off and I kiss him and he seems surprised. I try to make out and he pecked again and pushes away. At this point I joke and say he seems so shy. He replies and says I'm usually not shy with women but with you I am. I go in for another kiss and he turns his head and I kiss him on the cheek.

 

I'm so confused. I texted him after the date and he replied straight away. I don't know what to do. I ignored this guy after the 3rd date thinking he didn't like me but he kept asking for a 4th.

 

For the record I thought this guy was a player/womanizer when we met and he makes subtle sexual jokes but he's not making out with me. He seems to enjoy my company and think I'm a great person so I thought maybe he was earning my trust and not trying to rush me... But 4 dates and not escalating the kissing is driving me nuts and making me feel like he's not interested. Thoughts?

[smudge21]

Only he knows the answer to this one, and only you can ask the question. It could be any number of reasons: he has someone else on the go or already involved, he's been hurt badly in the past and wants to make sure this time, he likes you but not in that way, he's a virgin... basically, you do need to address this, or walk away. There's no harm in talking and you have nothing to lose.

[BaileyB]

I totally hear what you are saying... The guy I am dating now took forever to trust me and to take that step. The tension was awkward and I was about done waiting. It's terrible to wonder if he is attracted to you and to wonder if you should be waiting for him, or taking more initiative. But, only he knows the answer. Give it a chance - give him more time. I hope it works out for you.

[turningpoint]

I totally hear what you are saying... The guy I am dating now took forever to trust me and to take that step. The tension was awkward and I was about done waiting. It's terrible to wonder if he is attracted to you and to wonder if you should be waiting for him, or taking more initiative. But, only he knows the answer. Give it a chance - give him more time. I hope it works out for you.

 

Out of curiosity what were the trust issues you and your guy had?

 

Yeah if he asks me out again, I'll go cause I do like him but I can't help but feel he's not attracted with all this kiss avoidance. I don't want to sabotage anything though. I had cancelled the date last time and gave him a hard time by not coming up with alternatives as I was convinced he didn't like me and I wanted to give him an easy out. He seemed disappointed by that so I don't want to assume he's disinterested until he stops asking me out.

 

But if i am misreading the situation I don't want to sabotage anything. He could be seeing other women but I am not sure why he'd have any issues kissing me if that was the case.

[BaileyB]

Bad divorce. We dated for a few months over a year ago... He showed lots of interest but things slowed down and eventually stopped progressing - he told me he just wasn't ready for anything serious.

 

He contacted me again this spring and asked me out again. I was sceptical... We decided to be really casual and this time it took three dates before he decided this was really in it. And now, it's on;). I feel like he really trusts me now and he's more committed and moving faster than I am now...

 

Just saying, lots of people told me he wasn't moving fast enough and that I should not waste my time. I wondered if that was the case. But, it just took time for him to be comfortable and trust me.

 

Could be a really different situation for you... Maybe he is dating other people or there is some other reason why he isn't moving forward. Don't invest too much in the relationship, but maybe don't write him off for another few dates. If you are having fun with him, you have nothing to lose by hanging in just a little longer...

[BaileyB]

FYI, it was the same for me... He kept asking me out, he would consistently text/respond to my texts, started using some subtle sexual humor, etc... He was driving me crazy! I couldn't figure out why no kissing. But once he took that step, it was all good;).

[katiegrl]

I don't get how having trust issues or being *shy" (which frankly sounds like BS) would prevent a guy from wanting to simply give you a damn kiss!

 

It's not sex, it's not a relationship....it's a kiss!

 

And when you tried to kiss him, he turned his head? WTH!

 

Bless your heart for still being interested.

 

If a guy turns his head when I go for the kiss, especially on the *fourth* date.... that's pretty much a dealbreaker for me.

 

Good luck though.

Edited July 2, 2016 by katiegrl

[katiegrl]

FYI, it was the same for me... He kept asking me out, he would consistently text/respond to my texts, started using some subtle sexual humor, etc... He was driving me crazy! I couldn't figure out why no kissing. But once he took that step, it was all good;).

 

Oh that's interesting!

 

Maybe that's his game plan OP, to drive you crazy!

 

Not in a bad way, but to get you all hot and bothered and worked up. Also to test your interest level, to see if you'll stick around.

 

Then when you DO kiss, it will be all *good* ....like it was with Bailey!

Edited July 2, 2016 by katiegrl

[Otter2569]

By date #4 you are usually in the sack.

 

If I don't get a solid kiss after date #2 there is no date #3. I have enough friends. Just my opinion & experience.

[smackie9]

The key is open honest conversation. He isn't being either of those so it's time you stepped up and had a conversation with him. If he isn't ready then he has hidden issues lurking in the background. Me personally it's would be a bubbye.

[Dark Horse]

I wonder if he has much experience with dating and women?

 

For all we know, this could be the only date he's ever gone on or he's never kissed a girl, or he's a little uncomfortable with physical contact because he's never done much of it because he's inexperienced with all of this stuff.

 

I'd be the same way to be honest.

 

 

You should say, just kiss me already. Or just put his hand on his boner when on the couch. If that's what it takes. Don't break this inexperienced man's heart just because he's inexperienced. Sometimes you gotta take the lead.

Edited July 2, 2016 by Dark Horse

[preraph]

I don't know where you got the info that he was a player, but yes, a player is capable of just holding out until you jump on him. Their advantage in doing this is then they take no responsibility for the relationship and feel no obligation to be exclusive since they are not who made the move.

 

If he's not a deliberate player, then he sounds inexperienced to me. Also not a great thing. If you have to take the lead in this, I tell you from experience that you will also have to take the lead on a lot of other stuff you would rather have a decisive assertive man help out with.

[normal person]

If he's acting like that on date 4 and incapable of moving forward, I'd move on. There are plenty of other people out there who

 

I try to make out and he pecked again and pushes away. At this point I joke and say he seems so shy. He replies and says I'm usually not shy with women but with you I am. I go in for another kiss and he turns his head and I kiss him on the cheek.

 

What grown adult man pulls this kind of crap? I wouldn't have time for this, there are plenty of other people out there who don't have to play these kinds of games.

 

I wonder if he has much experience with dating and women?

 

For all we know, this could be the only date he's ever gone on or he's never kissed a girl, or he's a little uncomfortable with physical contact because he's never done much of it because he's inexperienced with all of this stuff.

 

Whatever the case may be, it's not OP's responsibility to break him in, make giant accommodations so that he's comfortable, or educate him. Especially considering how unappealing that would be for someone to have to do.

 

Don't break this inexperienced man's heart just because he's inexperienced. Sometimes you gotta take the lead.

 

Yeah, because women love weak, passive, ineffectual, unassertive men who need to be guided through the most minor sexual encounter, right? It's a total turn on. And I'm sure the guy who won't even kiss her would be "heartbroken" that this girl couldn't be bothered to waste her time with him again.

 

OP, something is up with this guy. Do yourself a favor and move on.

[Dark Horse]

 

he sounds inexperienced to me. Also not a great thing. If you have to take the lead in this, I tell you from experience that you will also have to take the lead on a lot of other stuff you would rather have a decisive assertive man help out with.

 

 

 

 

Give the inexperienced man a chance, you want to build his confidence up and that means by believing in him. Sure you may have to take the lead at first, but eventually he will.

 

Do it for all inexperienced men worldwide! Do it so that someday he a turn into a confidence and sexually experienced lion in the future!

 

 

Okay im done with epic speech...

Edited July 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude~T

[katiegrl]

 

Give the inexperienced man a chance, you want to build his confidence up and that means by believing in him. Sure you may have to take the lead at first, but eventually he will.

 

Do it for all inexperienced men worldwide! Do it so that someday he a turn into a confidence and sexually experienced lion in the future!

 

 

Okay im done with epic speech...

 

He is not inexperienced, come on now.

 

A guy who *intentionally* turns his head when a chick attempts to kiss him is neither shy nor inexperienced . Give me a break.

 

A shy or inexperienced guy would welcome that kiss, be happy she took the initiative! Assuming he was attracted to her.

 

Definitely NOT turn his head. Twice! That's just silly especially after four dates!

 

He's playing a head game with her, to see how high she will jump .

 

OP stop playing and jumping.... move on, next.

Edited July 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Otter2569]

Regardless of what it is, dating is supposed to be fun. If you are having issues and concerns now...that's NOT good. Drop him and find a real man!

[jen1447]

That's a little judgmental O.

 

It sounds to me (based on the little we know from this thread) like he's never been around the block before. If you're actually interested in him romantically and don't just want to bang it out, I'd be patient and try to develop things. You won't get him to be a makeout king if he's inexperienced by coming at him all fangs and tongue, just be understanding and try a slower approach.

 

(And talk to him FFS. Ask him - non-judgmentally - if he's uncomfy kissing, does he prefer to take things slow, etc. Tell him you'd like a snog and if he's scared he can just sit back and you'll lead him. Etc. etc.)

[katiegrl]

That's a little judgmental O.

 

It sounds to me (based on the little we know from this thread) like he's never been around the block before. If you're actually interested in him romantically and don't just want to bang it out, I'd be patient and try to develop things. You won't get him to be a makeout king if he's inexperienced by coming at him all fangs and tongue, just be understanding and try a slower approach.

 

(And talk to him FFS. Ask him - non-judgmentally - if he's uncomfy kissing, does he prefer to take things slow, etc. Tell him you'd like a snog and if he's scared he can just sit back and you'll lead him. Etc. etc.)

 

jen usually I agree with you but don't this time.

 

He told her he has NOT been shy with any other women .... which would suggest he has been with other women and thus not inexperienced.... unless you think he was lying?

 

Also would not an inexperienced guy be thrilled that OP took the initiative to kiss him? Twice?

 

But he intentionally turns his head? Twice?

 

That doesn't sound like inexperience to me, it sounds more like some sort of a game.

 

JMO

Edited July 2, 2016 by katiegrl

[MissBee]

This is the strangest thing I've ever heard.

 

Being shy is usually about initiating, but if a man wants to kiss you and is shy and you initiate, he will happily follow suit and then eventually relax.

 

It seems this guy only gets more awkward with each date, it seems you're the one initiating the dates, the kissing, everything and on top of it, when you do initiate the kiss he turns his head away or just pecks you like a chicken? LMAO! OP, I'd leave this one alone. This is abnormal behavior. I've known shy guys...shy meant they took a while to make a move...but if I made a move they were HAPPY to follow suit and they relaxed after. Truth is though, even the shy ones eventually made their move first and once the initial ice was broken, it was smooth sailing.

 

I don't know what his problem is...but this isn't shyness, and if it is, it is a very PAINFULLY ODD kind. I'd be turned off. I'm turned off reading this. I love kissing and if a guy and I can't make out comfortably, it's a no for me. If a man by 4th date is pecking me and not only that but he has rejected your kiss and turns away....what else can you do? That would be it for me.

[sc0316]

Are you sure the guy is not gay?

[jen1447]

jen usually I agree with you but don't this time.

 

He told her he has NOT been shy with any other women .... which would suggest he has been with other women and thus not inexperienced.... unless you think he was lying?

 

Also would not an inexperienced guy be thrilled that OP took the initiative to kiss him? Twice?

 

But he intentionally turns his head? Twice?

 

That doesn't sound like inexperience to me, it sounds more like some sort of a game.

 

JMO

 

Ppl with no experience w/women usually aren't exactly forthright and honest about that katie. So I wouldn't take that as particularly accurate, esp if other things are telling her otherwise. (Behavior usually trumps personal testimony.)

 

IME, ppl who bscly don't know what to do physically/sexually and have anxiety over that but still like the company of other ppl they find attractive socially/physically/romantically - bc they're still human after all - tend to do exactly what this guy seems like he's doing - delay and put it off. He's got a bit of a spell cast w/the sexual innuendo talk but that'd come crashing down if she got him in the sack and found out he doesn't know where her vagina is. And kissing usually leads to more, so ....

 

I think it's wrong to assume ppl like this are automatically deviant or need to be fled from. He's just an inexperienced, scared, somewhat socially awkward guy by the sound, not a pedophile/serial killer/creeper. He could be a great guy if she loosens him up.

 

Disclaimer here is the same as for everyone - I have no idea what's really going on and I'm basing my take on a few short paragraphs the OP provided here, so maybe he really is a horrible monster who pulls the wings off flies in secret or whatever else, social manipulator, sexual deviant, horrible liar with a secret agenda, whatever. But I think it's more likely he just doesn't know what's going on.

 

The truth is usually pretty simple and not particularly dramatic.

[mortensorchid]

I think he's just with you because he's bored and he's yanking your chain. A man who is interested in you will attempt at least a little physical contact beyond a handshake, and he's not attempting. Move on.

[katiegrl]

jen you could be right but.... op wrote:

 

>>"....he makes a lot of sexual jokes and we play fight...which heightens the tension. He is always getting close and physically touching me. So I take the hint and go for the kiss, and he pushes me away. I tell him I think he is shy, he says he usually is not, only with me, so I go for another kiss and he turns his head."<<

 

Again you could be right but you know what a man would be calling a woman if SHE behaved that way?

 

Not that it even needs mentioning, but that would be something along the lines of a "****-teaser".

 

Double standard?

[mrs rubble]

jen you could be right but.... op wrote:

 

>>"....he makes a lot of sexual jokes and we play fight...which heightens the tension. He is always getting close and physically touching me. So I take the hint and go for the kiss, and he pushes me away. I tell him I think he is shy, he says he usually is not, only with me, so I go for another kiss and he turns his head."<<

 

Again you could be right but you know what a man would be calling a woman if SHE behaved that way?

 

Not that it even needs mentioning, but that would be something along the lines of a "****-teaser".

 

Double standard?

 

I reckon Jen is right.

I could soooo imagine my 23yo son acting like this guy, he makes sexual jokes- yet he's a virgin. I think he's only ever kissed 2 girls in his life and he's never had a real girlfriend and he is really akward around girls....his 17yo brother is a regular Don Juan and trying to teach him the smooth moves...I could see the result being somewhat like the OP's scenario.

[preraph]

If he's actually ducking the make out, now I'm thinking he's gay and just looking for a beard so he can keep telling himself he's not gay. He will deny it, of course. It really sounds a lot like this shy inexperienced guy I "gave a chance to" and not only was he gay, but he was also not a gentleman. Went to New Orleans with him and he wouldn't even hold my hand on Bourbon Street so we didn't get separated. Went camping with him and he wouldn't even get out of the tent at night when I had to go pee to just be there in the dark nearby scaring off snakes.

 

I am assertive, so when younger, I had no problem getting shy inexperienced guys interested in me since I'd bust a move even when they wouldn't. But that one that was gay, I tried to keep a friendship going with after I knew he was gay, but he was still jealous and hurt when I saw men who had sex. When I finally dumped him after a couple of years of seeing no way this was good for either of us, he moved right in with a dude who'd been after him the whole time. Sigh. I swore off being the only assertive one after that.