I am the OW Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 I honestly didn't see it coming! I thought things were going great until he calls me about 10 last night telling me he was sorry but he wanted to work on his M w/ his W. He said he missed her, and his kids and wanted them back. He said he didn't realize how much he loved them and missed them until they moved away. He said he knew then what he lost. We talked for about an hour about all of it. I wonder if seeing his W and kids again on Father's Day made him realize what he was missing because he has been acting a little strange all week. I am doing ok, a lot better than I thought I would be doing. Going to work and seeing him was extremely hard. We agreed last night that we would remain friends throughout all of this. I will miss our times together outside of work. I don't think it will change much. I think the only thing that will change is not seeing him outside of work and so there won't be any sex with him anymore, which is a bummer because he was an awesome lover. I will go on with my life and find someone new. There are plenty of men out there. This time it will be a SG though. None of this mm bullsh@t again. Thanks all for your help, and support. And to the bashers out there, I can hear it now "I told ya so!" Oh well, life does go on.
newbby Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 i'm sorry at least now you can just put it all behind you and move on good luck with that sg ((hugs))
Debster Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 I'm sorry you're hurting. I do hope you find a single guy. But, I do think that you need to face the fact that the chances of the two of you remaining friends is slim to none, IMO. If the wife knows about you (as your other post shows), then there is no way she will allow him to try to fix the marriage AND be your friend at the same time.
StillHurtin Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Sorry you got hurt. GL finding a SG. Maybe now things will get a little better at work for you w/ your co-workers. I have to agree w/ Debster on the friend thing though. " But, I do think that you need to face the fact that the chances of the two of you remaining friends is slim to none, IMO. If the wife knows about you (as your other post shows), then there is no way she will allow him to try to fix the marriage AND be your friend at the same time." I knew about the OW my H had an A w/ and he also wanted to remain friends w/ her for work related reasons. I told him he can't be friends w/ her. I told him I hated it that he still worked w/ her and I didn't want them being friends. He said he had to be friends w/ her for work. I told him he did not. He works w/ other ppl he isn't friends w/ so he can work w/ her and not be friends. I told him I realized he had to still work w/ her but the only thing they need to be discussing is work related issues and he agreed. He was her supervisor so he couldn't completely stop talking to her. So, if his W is anything like me, she will demand that he no longer continues a friendship w/ you, and he should respect that, and so should you. GL!
smile95 Posted June 28, 2005 Posted June 28, 2005 I am sorry you are hurting. But, all I can say is HE WILL CALL AGAIN> THEY ALWAYS DO>
StillHurtin Posted June 28, 2005 Posted June 28, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 I am sorry you are hurting. But, all I can say is HE WILL CALL AGAIN> THEY ALWAYS DO> beth, I don't mean to be harsh but don't give her false hopes. This mm may never call her again. If he loves his family and wants them back badly enough he wont risk loosing them again by staying in contact w/ the OW. I can't say for a fact that my H didn't call the OW after we got back 2gether, however I doubt he did. They also worked together. I do know for a fact the OW was always calling H (I was there or he showed me on his caller ID). She kept calling a month after he broke it off w/ her. I am not saying this MM wont call her back, he could, but we aren't all positive he will. I would hate her to get false hopes of him calling back.
confused4awhile Posted June 28, 2005 Posted June 28, 2005 take it from someone who knows...he WILL call again but YOU have to be strong enough to walk away. It's not a healthy choice to be involved. They seem great and everything you want but there are two sides to EVERY story and if he did this he'll do it again. He's probably only wanting to work it out with the wife b/c she's gone. The minute everything settles down again he'll be back. Some men just thrive on the chase and want what they can't have. I wish I could give you different advice but really had I to do all over again I would have gotten out and stayed out the first time he broke it off.....don't go thru it for years and years like so many of us here As far as a friendship....that NEVER works. My "CM" and I played that dance for years..on and off and friendship always lead right back down the same path...it always does. Maybe given some time you can but like I said it DOESN'T work. If things were different and you guys hadn't had the "relationship" you had maybe it would be possible but a precedent has been set that there are no boundaries of real commitment and being human its easy to fall back into the same old patterns. I wish you all the strength in the world sweetie- you're gonna need it
SweetSerenity Posted June 28, 2005 Posted June 28, 2005 So sorry this has happened to you. No amount of what we say will make you feel 100% better. However having said that it does get better with time. One way to look at it is that this is what has been planned out for you for the better. I mean you can think of it this way, because he is married, it's a pretty toxic relationship. It also free's you up to find someone that is unattached, after you heal from this of course. I would say that if he tries to call or come back that you should totally block him out. Tell him you mean no disrespect but you can't be at his beckon call when he feels like he wants to share the time with you. The reason I have said all this is because if you allow him to go back and forth he'll continue to do so. If he does come back this will be his reasoning. Keep strong. Take up exercising to fill in the voids and some new hobbies. If it becomes to much then seek out IC. I wish you all the luck.
I was the OW Posted June 28, 2005 Posted June 28, 2005 Thank you all for your support. Things haven't really changed much with my exmm and I. I guess the only thing I really did loose is spending time w/ him outside of work, and of course the sex. We still talk, laugh, and have fun at work. But I can't seem to stop flirting with him! I know I shouldn't, but it's just who I am. I am a very outgoing, flirtacious person and it's just hard for me to stop. He doesn't seem to treat me any differently. Him and his W are still separated and she still lives out of town. All I know is that I am not waiting around for him to change his mind. Life is too short to worry if he will come back to me or not. I am going on with my life. There are plenty of SG's that I work with. In fact there is a guy in another department that is S and he is very sweet. I have flirted with him in the past but he showed no interest, probably because I was M. Now that I am going through a D myself, maybe he will be interested. I know it's probably not the best to jump from one relationship to another. I am not asking him on a date, but if he does show interest in dating me and ask me out, I will go out with him. Like I said, life is too short.
Marie1973 Posted June 28, 2005 Posted June 28, 2005 Hello So sorry to hear this. So sorry you are hurting. I know how it feels to hurt. No one deserves it. Don't feel so bad, coming this July (end) I might be joining you also. My MM has 1 last month to actually make his move, if not bub-bye. Put a fork in it, I"M DONE!!
shygurl Posted June 29, 2005 Posted June 29, 2005 If he tries to contact you again, outside of work, let him go - his poor wife and family are owed that much.......he owes it to them big time to get his sh*t together and fulfil the commitments and obligations he made to them.
I was the OW Posted June 29, 2005 Posted June 29, 2005 Originally posted by Marie1973 Hello So sorry to hear this. So sorry you are hurting. I know how it feels to hurt. No one deserves it. Don't feel so bad, coming this July (end) I might be joining you also. My MM has 1 last month to actually make his move, if not bub-bye. Put a fork in it, I"M DONE!! I hope that things work out for you. I wouldn't give him much time to leave his W. You have been waiting long enough. As for my exmm, we got into a little arguement today at work. He gave me a parts list to go count so he could enter into the computer. I didn't get it done as soon as he wanted and he IM'ed me and told me that he isn't going to give me anymore special treatment and that I need to still get my work done. He told me he wants to keep our relationship as supervisor and employee on good terms so I need to start doing my job and stop slacking off. I had a few words with him myself telling him he is starting to change and is being a jerk. He told me he wasn't, and that I was still expected to do my job. Here we go.
IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted June 29, 2005 Posted June 29, 2005 I think this was a wake up call. Telling you to step aide and let a family be a family. Not calling you a home wrecker or anything but I think you should realize that you were in the way of him having a great life with his wife and kid and now that he is trying to do that, you should be happy for him. I;m sure you can find a single guy whose just as good. Send your best regards to him and move on.
I was the OW Posted June 30, 2005 Posted June 30, 2005 Originally posted by IhavenoFREAKINclue I think this was a wake up call. Telling you to step aide and let a family be a family. Not calling you a home wrecker or anything but I think you should realize that you were in the way of him having a great life with his wife and kid and now that he is trying to do that, you should be happy for him. I;m sure you can find a single guy whose just as good. Send your best regards to him and move on. Can I ask you how I was in the way of him having a great life with his W and kids? I mean, he was the one that filed for a D from his W a few months ago. Yes, I have to admit there was a EA before he filed for a D but he was the one that chose to file for a D. I am confused why everyone seems to think it's my fault for all of this with is W when he was the one that filed for a D b4 the A even got full blown. Nothing went on between us before he filed, we just flirted. Oh wait, I take that back, I did kiss him before he filed but he pushed me away we couldn't do that. Well, my kiss must of meant something to him because shortly after that he filed for a D. Maybe I am partly to blame for the A, but it takes two to tango. He could of said no the whole time. He is as much to blame as I am. If anyone is the homewrecker, he is. He is the one that chose to leave his W. His M was failing fast anyhow, or so I thought. I don't think he will ever be happy with her but that is the choice he has to make, not mine. I am going to go on with my life.
StillHurtin Posted July 2, 2005 Posted July 2, 2005 Originally posted by I was the OW Can I ask you how I was in the way of him having a great life with his W and kids? I mean, he was the one that filed for a D from his W a few months ago. Yes, I have to admit there was a EA before he filed for a D but he was the one that chose to file for a D. I am confused why everyone seems to think it's my fault for all of this with is W when he was the one that filed for a D b4 the A even got full blown. Nothing went on between us before he filed, we just flirted. Oh wait, I take that back, I did kiss him before he filed but he pushed me away we couldn't do that. Well, my kiss must of meant something to him because shortly after that he filed for a D. Maybe I am partly to blame for the A, but it takes two to tango. He could of said no the whole time. He is as much to blame as I am. If anyone is the homewrecker, he is. He is the one that chose to leave his W. His M was failing fast anyhow, or so I thought. I don't think he will ever be happy with her but that is the choice he has to make, not mine. I am going to go on with my life. Hope you don't find this too harsh, OW but YOU were the one who persued him, not the other way around. Maybe the exmm was having a difficult M and when you came around, flirting, and persuing him, he liked the attention and got confused about what he really wanted. When he filed for a D maybe he was thinking he could of been happier w/ you. No, you didn't make him file for a D from his W, he chose to do that, but I think you had something to do w/ it by the way you acted towards him. If you wouldn't of been flirting, persuing, and kissing him maybe he wouldn't of thought about filing for a D. I am just saying this b/c like I told you b4 your situation sounds familiar to mine and my H did admit to me after we got back 2gether the OW was partly the reason why he filed for a D. If she wasn't flirting and persuing him, I don't think he would of filed for a D. The OW showed a lot of interest in H for several years and he felt like a HS boy again w/ all the attention. An A is like a fantasy. The mm doesn't have the responsiblities of a morgage, car payments, bills, kids, ect. The OW and the mm have a carefree relationship, at first. All they have to worry about is finding the time to be together, keeping the A secret, ect.
cmsara Posted July 3, 2005 Posted July 3, 2005 Actually I came in here looking for a specific post that was entered several months ago that I can't get out of my mind. Then I came across this subject and I tried to reply/quote to Beth when she said; "Don't worry, he will call again, they always do" This brings me back to my original need to find out about something I read here many months ago. If anyone has any information about it, I would greatly appreciate them letting me know: A woman, in a long term affair, had spoken to her MM one night and they spoke of their enduring love yet circumstances prevented them from being together. As I recall, he promised to call the next day and then never did. She has been waiting for over a year to hear from him not knowing if something terrible happened to him or not. She had tried to find out but for respect of his family, was fearful of going to far in her pursuit, afraid his family would be forever damaged if his wife and children found out. I don't recall her user name and I have a hard time navigating this forum since I am a newbie, but if anyone knows the outcome of this story. Please post it. My heart goes out to anyone who desperately loves and fears the loss.....especially when not knowing.
liswil Posted July 3, 2005 Posted July 3, 2005 Originally posted by StillHurtin Hope you don't find this too harsh, OW but YOU were the one who persued him, not the other way around. Maybe the exmm was having a difficult M and when you came around, flirting, and persuing him, he liked the attention and got confused about what he really wanted. When he filed for a D maybe he was thinking he could of been happier w/ you. No, you didn't make him file for a D from his W, he chose to do that, but I think you had something to do w/ it by the way you acted towards him. If you wouldn't of been flirting, persuing, and kissing him maybe he wouldn't of thought about filing for a D. I am just saying this b/c like I told you b4 your situation sounds familiar to mine and my H did admit to me after we got back 2gether the OW was partly the reason why he filed for a D. If she wasn't flirting and persuing him, I don't think he would of filed for a D. I think this is how the MM makes it look to his W. Trust me, they're not innocent. Far from it. I think that the W tells herself this as a coping mechanism, because that's the only way she can deal with it and stay married to him
StillHurtin Posted July 3, 2005 Posted July 3, 2005 Originally posted by liswil I think this is how the MM makes it look to his W. Trust me, they're not innocent. Far from it. I think that the W tells herself this as a coping mechanism, because that's the only way she can deal with it and stay married to him liswil, I completely agree, the mm is far from innoncent. At first I believed that my H just wanted the D b/c he claimed we were both unhappy and he thought if we ended the M we could both find happiness w/ someone else. Well, he found that happiness w/ the OW. He told me the OW had nothing to do w/ him filing for a D. He told me that he was starting his life over and he chose to do that w/ the OW. About 2 years after the A and we were back 2gether it got brought up and he admitted that us being unhappy wasn't the only reason for the D but it was also b/c of the OW. He wouldn't admit to the OW being partly the reason for the D until 2 years after the A. I am not blaming the OW only for the A, I blame both of them. But I do also know that the OW was the one who persued my H from the beginning. We were having M problems and she didn't help by flirting and persuing him. She clouded his judgment. If another woman flirts and persues H in the future and has an A w/ her I can guarantee that will be the last A he has on me. I gave him a second chance, he wont get a third. I am not scared to be a single mom anymore. I do love my H and I forgave him for the A but if he does it again, it will be his last.
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