I dumped her

[Gabrielseba]

Hi there. So i am looking for some advie and opinions. I met this girl about a month and a half ago. We hit it off the same day and we shared things many people in longer relationships dont. We started dating and were into each other very quickly.

 

Here is the rub, she started meeting my friends. I was very open and honest and even introduced her to a very good female friend of mine. So she can know who i am, and so she wouldnt see things as shady on my part. They got along great, and we enjoyed each others company. Toward the end of the night (lets say my girlfriend) told my female friend and me that now things may change and she would like to be respected and wouldnt like my female friend to be at my place without her. I picked up on the comment and the following day told my girlfriend i understood where she was coming from even though my female friend didnt pickup on it. Sinve we were both putting of ourselves i agreed with her point of view.

It was friday when we spoke about it.

Saturday came she needed to go home early to do an assignment for a college class a friend of hers was paying her to do. When she explained the whole scenario we both agreed that her friend was taking advantage of her. During the text she got offended over a comment i texted. The next morning she came over to apologize and that her stress made her lash out and get offended by my comment. We had plans that same day to go to where my parents had rented a hotel. I didnt invite her, my parents who ended up meeting her because she lost her glasses at my house, and although i live alone, the house i rent is theirs and other people live here in a studio on the side and since i left her glasses outside a few days back before leaving to work she never picked then up. Upon meeting my mom she charmed them, won them over, she asked if i would allow it and i said yes. Again maybe too fast, but proper protocol in that she was asking me if she could go.

So back to the day of. She explained she needed to see her uncle at the hospital and then go to see her friend at a dog park then come over.

 

That same day she responded to my questions during the day over 6 hours later telling me she wouldnt be able to make it. We didnt speak the rest of the day/night. The following monday she texted me needing to talk to me. I agreed and she came over, she said she needed to apologize because that saturday she ended up going to see a male coworker friend and went with him to the beach and she excused it because she was upset because of what happened saturday night.

Since it was literally 3 weeks into getting to know her i felt it wasnt my place yet however, i was upset that she got territorial because of my female friend and the following day went out with her male coworker/friend.

 

Although it raised a red flag, i let it slide but truth be told, when starting a relationship theres always some people that are still around that hasnt been panning out and usually we need a one last time to test. Both men and women are guilty of this.

 

I did take into account that was at least honest enough to tell me what she did, as she could have said anything else to avoid the conversation and i would have been none the wiser.

 

So two weeks after that incident we are hanging out all week. We netflix and chill on friday and make plans for saturday. Saturday comes and she doesnt repsons to my text asking where she is. She texts me subday night saying her cell got wet and she just replaced the battery. I didnt reply, monday she texts once, i didnt reply. On tuesday of the following week she asks to see me to pay me 20.00 she owed me, and if we could talk we arrainge for wednesday after work. A few minutes before leaving work she asks if she can come later that evening instead of after work that she had some plans. I said for her to call me to check if i was home. She did call me an hour later panicking her cars battery went dead and was calling a tow. When i asked where she broke down, she avoided the question. Then i asked another way, and she said where she was, which is far from where we both live, and is in the same direction as her male coworker friend lives. We briefly hung up after that.

This thursday she asked to come over And at first blew her off then eventually after her texting and calling i answered and replied to come by briefly as i had plans.

She came over and was trying to be affectionate but i played it cold. After a few minutes she complimented my appearance and weight loss and touched my face which i pulled away from. We then sat down on the sofa and she gave me the money and was about to start explaining.

I told her calmly that i didnt care what she had to say. That she was being shady and in my experience understood that it may be a love interest she hasnt let go. Which is understandable due to the brief time. She said i was wrong, and i said it didnt matter, its the conclusion that best fits the question. It was two saturdays she dissppeared. Then told her that i what can i say since if i argued she would resort to what she did last time.

Then comcluded to her, that i am either the only choice or no choice and that if something were to happen between us she needed to cutoff whoever else has been cirlcing around. I didnt care to hear or denials or her trying to explain that its not what i was thinking. Soon after i opened the door and ignored her sadness she was showing closing the door right after.

 

Thoughts: i am a very understanding guy, and i know there are no perfect relationships, and in the course of trying to find a partner there are forks in the road. i have also relaized from past experience that if we become accepting of certain behaviors people will keep doing them. That if i started bickering about it but still stayed trying she would never care to realize she has something to lose i me and ultimately become uninterested.

 

I do like her, and the reason i did what i did was to shake her up and if she did like me, she would have fear of loss and ultimately try contacting me. And if she did contact me and tried to pursue me it would be much easier to shake off anyone else.

My question is, does my strategy have a chance at success and getting the desired outcome?

PS: although we are both very sexual and got intimate, during our time we spoke about going slow as we both had a habit of going to fast.

Pss: i am dating other women already but i cant help being attracted to her for now.

Pss: another reason i did this was because my previous failures where i would become more needy and get dumped anyways. So i tried something new and hoping my new approach makes me more attractive to the opposite sex.

 

Any comments, questions or opinions are accepted.

 

Thanks for reading

[basil67]

First thought is that you should NEVER dump someone in order to test them or manipulate them - which is what I read into your post. If you've got a problem in the relationship, work it out together or end it for good.

 

That said, you had good reasons to dump her. It hasn't been very long and you've already seen red flags. If she does want to come back (if she's got any self esteem she won't ask to come back after being dumped) I'd be wary of her.

[Buddhist]

I do like her, and the reason i did what i did was to shake her up and if she did like me, she would have fear of loss and ultimately try contacting me. And if she did contact me and tried to pursue me it would be much easier to shake off anyone else.

My question is, does my strategy have a chance at success and getting the desired outcome?

 

No, your strategy has an excellent chance of backfiring and ensuring that you are now single. You don't ever break up a relationship to teach someone a lesson or shake them up. It often happens that person just decides their life is much better off without you in it. A break up means the relationship is now broken. The other person has lost trust in your ability to be in a relationship with them, so they must now find a relationship with someone else.

 

Pss: another reason i did this was because my previous failures where i would become more needy and get dumped anyways. So i tried something new and hoping my new approach makes me more attractive to the opposite sex.

 

This approach will not make your more attractive to the opposite sex unless they are batshyte crazy. If you want to date crazy, then acting crazy is an excellent way to do it.

[lolablue17]

I agree with the above posters that dumping a Gf is not a tool in the relationship. You dump someone only If you want to dump her.

 

But I think your instincts are great. Yes, she was shady, and was extremely unreasonable. A minute after her odd jealousy scene, putting strange limits for you and you female friend, she's ignoring you and go to the beach with her male friend? Hilarious. It's a huge red flag. You felt that it was wrong, and behave accordingly.

 

It's not a small thing, what has happend. It's a big issue, and for me it would have been a deal breaker. Not to mention she was lying to you.

[kgcolonel]

I agree with the above posters that dumping a Gf is not a tool in the relationship. You dump someone only If you want to dump her.

 

But I think your instincts are great. Yes, she was shady, and was extremely unreasonable. A minute after her odd jealousy scene, putting strange limits for you and you female friend, she's ignoring you and go to the beach with her male friend? Hilarious. It's a huge red flag. You felt that it was wrong, and behave accordingly.

 

It's not a small thing, what has happend. It's a big issue, and for me it would have been a deal breaker. Not to mention she was lying to you.

 

I fully agree, maybe next time listen to the explanation and if you believe it, move on, if not, tell her thanks, it's been real, but now it's done....don't use a break up as a tool.

 

BTW, I think she was playing you with the other guy.....

[forumman83]

I had something similar happen to me recently. I saw red flags very early on such as long times between texts, suddenly disappearing for hours at a time, secretive behavior with her cell phone, etc.

 

I ignored these red flags because, like you, it was "early in the relationship."

 

Fast forward to 2 months later, and despite our label as boyfriend/girlfriend and spending almost all our free time together, I found out that the really, really shady behaviour had not stopped.

 

My gut feeling was right all along, I couldn't trust this girl. Even if she really liked me (which I'm sure she did) I still couldn't trust her. I decided to end the relationship blocking her from all forms of contact because I had made it clear what was acceptable and not acceptable and she ignored it and continued disrespecting me.

 

It was a difficult decision, but if I hadn't done it I would have remained filled with anxiety for the duration of our relationship.

 

In sum, you're seeing red flags right now and they are very real, do not ignore them. You're gut is never wrong. Cut this girl off before you get in too deep and it's even harder. I wish I had done the same at the 1 month mark, instead I got even deeper and it hurt even more.