Author Dark Horse Posted July 2, 2016 Author Posted July 2, 2016 (edited) I'm only 21 but i'm not sure if I want kids or not but i'm not going to be impulsively hopping on the baby-making bandwagon like most people do. You have to think if it's a good decision to reproduce because once you have kids, it kinda changes your life and you don't want to be a fked up shtty dad. The reason why I might not want to have kids is because of financial reasons, I could save a lot of money. Another reason is that kids are a lot of responsibility and selflessness, two things I kind of suck at right now and I don't wanna screw my offspring over and be a shtty asss dad. Another reason is that there's already a lot of god damn kids in the world, why would I want to reproduce and contribute to the rapid population growth? Instead I could adopt a kid who's already here but is in need of a loving home. Screw the biological urge to reproduce and spread your genes. Sometimes our biological urges suck asss. Just ask my horny and sexually frustrated teenage self which caused an unnecessary boner in high school while doing a class presentation because the teacher was a smoking hot blonde, it still scars me to this day. Human nature is a son of a female dog sometimes! Damn you! Edited July 2, 2016 by Dark Horse
carhill Posted July 2, 2016 Posted July 2, 2016 We tried, no joy, not in the cards now at my age. I had a lot of fun as a kid and would have enjoyed molding a young mind and supporting those memories that last a lifetime. 1
preraph Posted July 2, 2016 Posted July 2, 2016 I never did, but at one point I kind of assumed I'd acquiesce to at least adoption (older child) or a single dad, but no, it never seemed like something I wanted to do. An ex of mine kind of wanted to get back together or at least see how it went after he got sober and divorced and had a 12 year old boy, which is within my tolerance range at least agewise, but even then I thought about the logistics of having a kid in the house and just said no. I like my privacy too much for that and I've been spoiled to being on my own schedule doing exactly what I want to do (except for pets restricting me) my whole life. I guess I just don't want anyone around that bad, much less kids. I do have a lot of empathy for young troubled or rebellious teens, though, and felt I could connect with them when I was younger (not now -- now I'm a dinosaur!) So helping them was something on my mind and something I inadvertently did end up doing as they crossed my path. I made a couple of lifelong friends by them gravitating to me when they were younger and troubled. One is my best friend now 40 years later.
thefooloftheyear Posted July 2, 2016 Posted July 2, 2016 Its exhausting at times, cost me a fortune, had to give up a lot of things I used to enjoy, and yes, I had to become a completely different person... I dont regret any of it and wouldn't change anything...All that other shyt means nothing and I'll make more money... TFY
MissBee Posted July 2, 2016 Posted July 2, 2016 Yes. I value relationships, people and family over things. While sure I like nice things and value accomplishments, having been at the bedside of my grandma when she was dying, and just the love, support, how her children, grand kids, everyone was there, how we came to her bedside everyday...then there were folks on the same ward who died alone with no children, no family. That experience solidified for me that our relationships are everything and I want to have a family and have kids and grandkids and be able to share life, teach them, see them become their own people and also know I will have them around me as I age. That to me is fulfilling. 2
mikeylo Posted July 2, 2016 Posted July 2, 2016 I have a son. My wife can't have anymore otherwise we wanted 3 kids. Anyway , kids are a blessing to those who want them and a nightmare to those who don't. No matter how we bring them up , even in out best possible way or intentions , there is no sure way that they will look back at us once grown up. Outside influences can be bad sometimes. To us , it gives eternal happiness that we have brought another human in this world and giving him good role model of life , morals , values and a good healthy relationship example. He may or may not be there near death bed, who knows? Children bring happiness but ultimately they leave and have to live their own lives the way they want. They will always be there if everything stays good enough but It's the partner we have to live with as we get older. 1
preraph Posted July 2, 2016 Posted July 2, 2016 I have a son. My wife can't have anymore otherwise we wanted 3 kids. Anyway , kids are a blessing to those who want them and a nightmare to those who don't. No matter how we bring them up , even in out best possible way or intentions , there is no sure way that they will look back at us once grown up. Outside influences can be bad sometimes. To us , it gives eternal happiness that we have brought another human in this world and giving him good role model of life , morals , values and a good healthy relationship example. He may or may not be there near death bed, who knows? Children bring happiness but ultimately they leave and have to live their own lives the way they want. They will always be there if everything stays good enough but It's the partner we have to live with as we get older. That's how it has been with a lot of my generation, for sure. Not sure how this generation will be. They seem very parent-dependent, so.....the fear is they might never leave.
AlexisRose Posted July 2, 2016 Posted July 2, 2016 One thing I would say is be careful who you have children with. My husband has a drink problem and was never going to be great Father material. I pretty much brought our girls up by myself. My nephew has a little girl and has to fight all the way for any kind of access following a split from his gf. It destroys him. Oh...and you should make sure you fulfill any dreams before becoming a parent. It kind of ties you down. If you've done everything you wanted to do you won't get feelings of resentment or regret. I don't regret having children. It's been amazing and fun and there is so much love in it. It was always in my plan. The thought of never having travelled that road makes me feel empty. And a little sad.
amaysngrace Posted July 2, 2016 Posted July 2, 2016 I want grandchildren someday but until then I teach religious ed and am looking into becoming a casa volunteer. And I have my dog...he's a big baby.
Wave Rider Posted July 2, 2016 Posted July 2, 2016 I used to feel like I wanted children, but I'm leaning more and more towards not wanting them. It sounds kind of entitled and whiney, but I've been quite disappointed at the way that my life has gone, and I feel like I wouldn't wish my life on a child. I'm currently seeing my 17th therapist, and I wouldn't want to have a child who needs to see 17 therapists. The fact is that parents pass on their emotional wounds to their children, because repetition compulsion leads us to wound people in the same ways in which we ourselves were wounded, or to seek out those people who will wound us in the same ways that we have been wounded in the past. I have to deal with all the wounds that my parents passed on to me. And as hard as I would try to not pass those wounds on to a child, it's likely that I would pass those wounds on. I feel like I would want children if I had a strong belief that they would be successful in life. But if I believed that that they were really going to struggle the way that I've struggled, then I don't think I would want them. 2
Springsummer Posted July 3, 2016 Posted July 3, 2016 I love children, but life is HARD. I doubt I have the abilities to have kids to have a successful and happy life, so yeah...
Wave Rider Posted July 3, 2016 Posted July 3, 2016 (edited) I love children, but life is HARD. I doubt I have the abilities to have kids to have a successful and happy life, so yeah... See, the funny thing is that you and I are feeling like we are being responsible by not having children so that we don't pass on our problems. But there are millions of people out there who should definitely not be having children, and they are having children anyway. How many people are in jail, or are drug or alcohol addicts, or are violent or otherwise deplorable or are in poverty, and they're still having kids! Edited July 3, 2016 by Wave Rider 3
Anderlie Posted July 3, 2016 Posted July 3, 2016 No, whatever that motherhood gene or biological clock or whatever you want to call it is it passed me by. I very clearly remember being about 14 and my friend's mother had a baby. All my friends were gaga and excited about it and I was wondering what the big deal was. I was happy for my friend but they were all super focused on the baby only and that part of it was not appealing at all. I'm still happy for my friends that have much wanted babies in their lives but it's not for me. That baby my friend's mother had just got married herself so I should be in the clear pretty soon
Lorenza Posted July 3, 2016 Posted July 3, 2016 No. I don't think I would be a terrible mom, but I would definitely raise an insecure and fearful person. Just like my mom raised me, although she was a great mom when it came to affection and daily needs. I'm insanely worried about every partner I have, when there is any risk of something happening to them, so think how paranoid I would get about my own kid. Besides my life goals are always a distance away. I'm unfocused and always trying to get a grip on things. It's better I stay childless. Not that I have a strong mother instinct anyway - babies gross me out. A thing that annoys is how my ex classmates and old frieds think that the whole universe revolves around babies. Had a convo with one of them recently, she's a new mom. She was like: "Oh, don't drag it out too long, time is ticking for you Lorenza". I answered that I don't really care about it, she said "Just wait and you'll see. When you have a baby you'll be the happiest person in the whole world." So annoying. Some people just can't accept that others can't/don't want to create offsprings. If she's a stable person, married, has a stable income - good for her, but if I got pregnant it would be a tragedy for me.
Chris2016 Posted July 3, 2016 Posted July 3, 2016 (edited) I guess I do. It's only now however age 40 that the desire really kicked in. "Fudge, I'm getting old, I would like to find someone (to have children with)." I wish it would have kicked in at a younger age. Perhaps then I would have tried harder to improve myself; find a mate/girlfriend; etc. And not let my lack of positive experiences rule. I'm so far behind (never been in a relationship), that I'm not sure it's going to happen. But, I'm keeping my head up, taking actions for my life now (like losing weight), and hoping that it will happen. Interestingly, when I was younger my thought process was, I'm still trying to take care of myself, how can I bring someone into this world--even though I didn't have a girlfriend and struggled to find one. In hindsight, I don't think that was a good thought process. I should have desired it. Edited July 3, 2016 by Chris2016
JuanDelToro Posted July 3, 2016 Posted July 3, 2016 Having kids was a dream of mine that I had since my late teens. I was always family oriented and thought myself as a great father to be. I pushed so hard to attain this dream for years, but the harder I went for it the more it evaded me. Until my last relationship where I was with a woman that she was totally anti-family and literally hated kids. I tried to make her change her mind and after four years of struggle we broke up for this reason. The breakup helped me review my life and eventually I came to realize that fatherhood and family is not for me. I took a 180 degree turn and I've changed completely. So now not only I don't see any value in having kids; or commiting to anyone else besides myself for that matter; but they also creep me out and annoy me asf. I literally turn blue and want to empty my stomach when I get caught in baby talks among friends. Hell no! ha.
ASG Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 Yes. And even though it doesn't look very likely, I will try my hardest to make it happen.
Madame_Noire Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 I used to feel like I wanted children, but I'm leaning more and more towards not wanting them. It sounds kind of entitled and whiney, but I've been quite disappointed at the way that my life has gone, and I feel like I wouldn't wish my life on a child. I'm currently seeing my 17th therapist, and I wouldn't want to have a child who needs to see 17 therapists. The fact is that parents pass on their emotional wounds to their children, because repetition compulsion leads us to wound people in the same ways in which we ourselves were wounded, or to seek out those people who will wound us in the same ways that we have been wounded in the past. I have to deal with all the wounds that my parents passed on to me. And as hard as I would try to not pass those wounds on to a child, it's likely that I would pass those wounds on. I feel like I would want children if I had a strong belief that they would be successful in life. But if I believed that that they were really going to struggle the way that I've struggled, then I don't think I would want them. I could have written this Wave Rider. I have the distinct feeling that we were not wanted. My parents were not very loving at all. The woman who gave birth to me wore the trousers. She is very much a matriarch. What she said goes, not arguments! As soon as she stopped receiving state handouts for me and my other siblings, she more or less driven us out of the house because it would cost too much to keep me under her roof. She has lived on credit all her life and now expects her offspring to bail her out of her indebtedness. Children are not here to bail out their parents. Because of her being in debt that influenced me to get into debt because I thought it was something to aspire too because that is what I saw in my early years. Luckily, got out of debt and didn't have children and repeat the cycle. I agree with what you say about passing on emotional wounds onto your children. Children are not stupid, if they see behaviours in their elders, that is all they will know and they will think it is normal and acceptable to continue the conduct. I would rather be loved and looked up to by children that are already here than be naive enough to think that I should have my own and try and do a better job that what I was subjected to.
CarrieT Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 I never wanted children. I had men break up with me because I never wanted to reproduce their spawn. I got married a few years ago - in my very late 40s - to a man with pre-teen and teenage kids and his constant lament is that I wasn't the birth mother to his children and that we didn't meet each other earlier so that I could have had his children. I tell him he would not have been able to convince me to go through a pregnancy and he is convinced he could have... Thank God we'll never know. I really like my step kids but part of the reason I got into the marriage was with the knowledge that within a few years, they would all be off to college anyway and I got to miss the infant and CHILDHOOD years. We all like each other, but it is probably because I treat them as adults. 'Cuz I kinda don't like kids.... :sick:
Tribble Posted July 8, 2016 Posted July 8, 2016 Yes, I want kids. It's a really odd one with me. I didn't think I wanted kids in my early 20s. I like to travel, I like to live my own life and kids kind of get in the way of that. Then I met my ex. He very much wanted kids and it was a bit of a struggle in the beginning figuring out if we were compatible. I wasn't set on not having kids though so we kept going. And then something kicked in. I wanted kids. I wanted HIS kids. I wanted to have a family together and share our love with a little person. And then we broke up. And now I'm stuck with this awful longing to have a child of my own and the worry it may never happen for me. I think I'd convinced myself I didn't want kids before to protect myself. If I didn't find someone to commit to and have a family with, it would be okay because kids weren't a priority. Once I met someone I saw that with, the flood gates opened! Now I'm all broody and gooey eyed over kids with no possibility of it in the near future. I'm still scared though. If I had kids, how would my body change (already a major bit of insecurity for me), what could go wrong, the responsibility of influencing a whole person, what if I did it wrong?! But something inside me is, at this moment, over riding those fears.
Recommended Posts