Is she entitled to details (non-exclusive)

[d409]

I broke up with my ex 2 years ago and we have been non-exclusively dating for 4 months. We have a 4 year old together. She would dive right back into a relationship - I on the other hand want to take things slow and see if it's even the right step.

 

She has said - numerous times - that she is not seeing anyone else or talking to anyone else because she only wants to be with me. She's also primary custodial parent so she doesn't have a lot of time on her hands. She has asked if I'm seeing anyone else and I've told her nothing serious but she wants more.

 

I'm not dating to find someone but I'm open to something flourishing. I don't think it would happen but that door is cracked open. I am having (protected) sex with other women.

 

Is she entitled to more details than I'm not exclusively seeing her? I have to be careful not to ruin our co-parenting relationship.

[BaileyB]

I think based on what you have said that she is clearly in a very different place than you, with different expectations... So yeah. I think if I was her I would like to know that you are sleeping with other women.

 

I understand the whole "we're not exclusive" thing, but she is the mother of your child. I don't really understand why you are treating her with such little respect and possibly really messing with your coparenting relationship.

[Jabron1]

She has said - numerous times - that she is not seeing anyone else or talking to anyone else because she only wants to be with me.

 

She's starting to pressure you into being exclusive.

 

She has asked if I'm seeing anyone else and I've told her nothing serious but she wants more.

 

That is sufficient.

 

She isn't entitled to know every detail.

 

I'm not dating to find someone but I'm open to something flourishing.

 

Best way to be. Take your time, and don't let people give you ultimatums.

 

Is she entitled to more details than I'm not exclusively seeing her?

 

No.

 

I have to be careful not to ruin our co-parenting relationship.

 

Being a parent should be separate from being her lover.

[kgcolonel]

I think based on what you have said that she is clearly in a very different place than you, with different expectations... So yeah. I think if I was her I would like to know that you are sleeping with other women.

 

I understand the whole "we're not exclusive" thing, but she is the mother of your child. I don't really understand why you are treating her with such little respect and possibly really messing with your coparenting relationship.

 

I am in total agreement....just step back a second and think....you didn't say whether or not your child is a girl or boy but....if it is or was a little girl. Put her in your ex's shoes. How would you feel about the father of her child, knowing that she is hoping that you two will reconcile, you knowing that you don't plan to and using her as a booty call.....you are treating her like a [prostitute]...that is so disrespectful of the mother of your child.

 

Be honest with her, tell her that yes, you're sleeping with others (even protected is not 100% safe) and that you do not intend to commit. She at least as the mother of your child deserves the truth.

 

You have a child, you are a father...time to step up and be the man you would want your son to be or the man you'd want your daughter to marry.

 

INTEGRITY

Edited July 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[central]

Frankly, it's none of her business. You are NOT yet back together - she wants it, but you're not sure that it's a good idea (and it probably ISN'T a good idea!).

 

I would be sure to tell her that you are exploring the idea of reconciling, but given the past (and whatever reasons split you up then), you need and want to be careful. Tell her that it's not exclusive, and that you are casually dating. She does not need to know more, and certainly not details. At this point in your renewed relationship, she is like anyone else you are dating, and deserves the same considerations and limits. If you would tell them that you're having sex occasionally with others, then yes, share that - otherwise, do not.

 

If you do get back together, who you dated and what you did is still none of her business.

Edited July 2, 2016 by central

[d409]

I think based on what you have said that she is clearly in a very different place than you, with different expectations... So yeah. I think if I was her I would like to know that you are sleeping with other women.

 

I understand the whole "we're not exclusive" thing, but she is the mother of your child. I don't really understand why you are treating her with such little respect and possibly really messing with your coparenting relationship.

 

She is in a different place. She wants us together for sure and would jump right back into it and probably have me move back in tomorrow. But she does know that I want to take it slow and see if it will work. Rushing it is just going to put us back how we were before I think. And she knows I might be seeing other women. She hopes I'm not.

 

The way I see it, telling her I'm seeing other women would hurt our parenting relationship more. She'd want details and that's not healthy, then she'd get mad if I won't give them.

 

I am in total agreement....just step back a second and think....you didn't say whether or not your child is a girl or boy but....if it is or was a little girl. Put her in your ex's shoes. How would you feel about the father of her child, knowing that she is hoping that you two will reconcile, you knowing that you don't plan to and using her as a booty call.....you are treating her like a [prostitute]...that is so disrespectful of the mother of your child.

 

Be honest with her, tell her that yes, you're sleeping with others (even protected is not 100% safe) and that you do not intend to commit. She at least as the mother of your child deserves the truth.

 

You have a child, you are a father...time to step up and be the man you would want your son to be or the man you'd want your daughter to marry.

 

INTEGRITY

 

I'm not using her as a booty call, that would be a pretty crappy booty call. I also don't see how you think I'm treating her like a [prostitute]. I also didn't say I have no intention of committing. If I didn't want to commit i wouldn't be messing with her.

 

Frankly, it's none of her business. You are NOT yet back together - she wants it, but you're not sure that it's a good idea (and it probably ISN'T a good idea!).

 

I would be sure to tell her that you are exploring the idea of reconciling, but given the past (and whatever reasons split you up then), you need and want to be careful. Tell her that it's not exclusive, and that you are casually dating. She does not need to know more, and certainly not details. At this point in your renewed relationship, she is like anyone else you are dating, and deserves the same considerations and limits. If you would tell them that you're having sex occasionally with others, then yes, share that - otherwise, do not.

 

If you do get back together, who you dated and what you did is still none of her business.

 

I know she will want to know details of what I did while we were apart. She's already asked and she asked while we were broken up. But I dont think it's healthy to share that kind of info.

 

I try to make sure she understands that were not exclusive and taking it slow. I don't want her to have expectations. She knows I might be casually dating but hopes I'm not. It would bother her too much to know for sure.

Edited July 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edit quote and response for language.

[ses]

I agree that she doesn't need to know the details of your relationship since you are non-exclusive—however, she should know about you seeing others. I can understand her concern because she is the mother of your child and interested in reconcilation. You should let her know it's a possibility but not something guaranteed in order to protect against future resentment if it doesn't work out.

 

Btw — condoms are a great barrier method but STDs can still be transmitted through skin-to-skin contact. Letting her know will also enable her to get tested if she wants.

[phineas]

She doesn't NEED to know, however she also doesn't need to stick around and she may turn not so nice if you keep her in limbo for too long.

[preraph]

I have been in this situation and I can tell you that the distrust that was sewed when I sat down at a concert only to find my four-month bf sitting in front of me with his arm around another woman exists to this day.

 

Be man enough to tell her "I'm still dating around and not ready to be exclusive." Give her the same option to do the same. She should either date around or she should dump you.

[elaine567]

She is not just some unknown person you happen to be dating non exclusively this is your former partner and mother of your child, so why are you still seeing other women?

If you want to make a go of it for your child's sake if nothing else, then at least give it your full attention, if not, then tell her you want out and let her go find someone else.

YOU have also made a thread about how much sex with your ex sucks, so why not just do you both a favour and say Adios.

[PrettyEmily77]

I broke up with my ex 2 years ago and we have been non-exclusively dating for 4 months. We have a 4 year old together. She would dive right back into a relationship - I on the other hand want to take things slow and see if it's even the right step.

 

She has said - numerous times - that she is not seeing anyone else or talking to anyone else because she only wants to be with me. She's also primary custodial parent so she doesn't have a lot of time on her hands. She has asked if I'm seeing anyone else and I've told her nothing serious but she wants more.

 

I'm not dating to find someone but I'm open to something flourishing. I don't think it would happen but that door is cracked open. I am having (protected) sex with other women.

 

Is she entitled to more details than I'm not exclusively seeing her? I have to be careful not to ruin our co-parenting relationship.

 

The exclusive/non-exclusive thing aside (I can't comment as I don't really understand the concept of seeing/sleeping with more than one person at a time, but that's your business), the bolded grabbed at me.

 

I mean, she is the primary custodial parent of your child, right? I mean in theory she could have more spare time (to, for instance, do as you do and date other people) if you would be willing to give her some as the co-parent, yes? Is that the reason behind you not wanting to ruin your co-parenting relationship?

 

I hope I'm wrong OP, but this doesn't look too good from this outsider's perspective...

[d409]

So I had a quick conversation with her and told her that I have been seeing other women. She knew I might be but didn't know for sure. She broke down, started crying, asking what she has to do to be good enough. She asked if I was for sure sleeping with other women and got upset by that answer.

 

I told her that she is just as entitled to date around (or sleep around) until we decide what we are going to do. But she doesn't want that.

 

She doesn't NEED to know, however she also doesn't need to stick around and she may turn not so nice if you keep her in limbo for too long.

 

I know that being non-exclusive has risks. I could find someone else and ruin our chance of being together again. Or she could find someone else and decide she doesn't want to try with me. Right now she is in the desperate stage to try and repair a relationship and clinging for dear life.

 

I have been in this situation and I can tell you that the distrust that was sewed when I sat down at a concert only to find my four-month bf sitting in front of me with his arm around another woman exists to this day.

 

Be man enough to tell her "I'm still dating around and not ready to be exclusive." Give her the same option to do the same. She should either date around or she should dump you.

 

That is why I told her from the beginning that I wasn't exclusive. I didn't want to lie to her or make her think we were exclusive and back together. She would be very hurt if she saw me out with someone else, even knowing that I'm seeing other women. She doesn't want to date around, and doesn't think anyone would want to date her or sleep with her anyway.

 

She is not just some unknown person you happen to be dating non exclusively this is your former partner and mother of your child, so why are you still seeing other women?

If you want to make a go of it for your child's sake if nothing else, then at least give it your full attention, if not, then tell her you want out and let her go find someone else.

YOU have also made a thread about how much sex with your ex sucks, so why not just do you both a favour and say Adios.

 

You answered your first question with your last one. We still have issues that I want to work out before fully committing myself to her. I don't want to get too attached, just to end the relationship again. I hope that if she knew I was seeing other women she wouldn't get as attached, but she did. If the sex issue and a couple other issues could be worked out then I think we would be great together. I don't think it's smart to get back together just to have the same problems. Which is why I want to see if it's salvageable before being back together.

 

The exclusive/non-exclusive thing aside (I can't comment as I don't really understand the concept of seeing/sleeping with more than one person at a time, but that's your business), the bolded grabbed at me.

 

I mean, she is the primary custodial parent of your child, right? I mean in theory she could have more spare time (to, for instance, do as you do and date other people) if you would be willing to give her some as the co-parent, yes? Is that the reason behind you not wanting to ruin your co-parenting relationship?

 

I hope I'm wrong OP, but this doesn't look too good from this outsider's perspective...

 

 

Yes she has primary custody of our son. That is what was decided in court. Legally, I can see my son every other weekend and every Tuesday and Thursday from 3-8PM. We try to stick the the schedule as much as possible because it's better for our son, and prevents problems later.

 

I don't want to ruin our co-parenting relationship because that's not good for my son. It has nothing to do with my "free time". That free time is time I should have with my son that I don't. I don't get to see him nearly as much as I'd like to be able to. I'd love to see him every day. I don't want to ruin the relationship because it's healthiest for our son if we get along. I also don't want to end up with even less time with him.

[tinkerbell16]

She is in a different place. She wants us together for sure and would jump right back into it and probably have me move back in tomorrow. But she does know that I want to take it slow and see if it will work. Rushing it is just going to put us back how we were before I think. And she knows I might be seeing other women. She hopes I'm not.

 

The way I see it, telling her I'm seeing other women would hurt our parenting relationship more. She'd want details and that's not healthy, then she'd get mad if I won't give them.

 

 

 

I'm not using her as a booty call, that would be a pretty crappy booty call. I also don't see how you think I'm treating her like a [prostitute]. I also didn't say I have no intention of committing. If I didn't want to commit i wouldn't be messing with her.

 

 

 

I know she will want to know details of what I did while we were apart. She's already asked and she asked while we were broken up. But I dont think it's healthy to share that kind of info.

 

I try to make sure she understands that were not exclusive and taking it slow. I don't want her to have expectations. She knows I might be casually dating but hopes I'm not. It would bother her too much to know for sure.

 

How can you truly know if you can make it work (even slowly) if you are exploring other woman's vaginas at the same time? Its not a casual dating around situation. You have a family established with her. Not rocket science here... ALL other relationships will seem more glamorous when you arent arguing over who's turn it is to get up with the screaming toddler at night. Its apples and oranges. Try nurturing the apple tree you already planted instead of spreading more seed.

 

On the flip side if you arent all in with her do HER a favor and let her go find a man who will be all in to her. Dont string her along.

Edited July 2, 2016 by tinkerbell16

[joseb]

YOU have also made a thread about how much sex with your ex sucks, so why not just do you both a favour and say Adios.

 

Why are you doing this then? I don't see the point.

Making her upset, bad sex, seems pretty pointless...

[longjohn]

I don't know.. call me old fashioned but if I'm banging one woman I'm not going to be banging another one as well. I like to keep it up front and to the point. $hite or get off the pot. Sounds like you'd rather sleep around that get with your ex which is perfectly fine however she wants to get back together. Personally I don't go back with ex's they are ex's for a reason.

[basil67]

Your actions have strong potential to cause her a great deal of hurt. If you don't want to see her hurt, I suggest you rethink your actions.

[MissBee]

I broke up with my ex 2 years ago and we have been non-exclusively dating for 4 months. We have a 4 year old together. She would dive right back into a relationship - I on the other hand want to take things slow and see if it's even the right step.

 

She has said - numerous times - that she is not seeing anyone else or talking to anyone else because she only wants to be with me. She's also primary custodial parent so she doesn't have a lot of time on her hands. She has asked if I'm seeing anyone else and I've told her nothing serious but she wants more.

 

I'm not dating to find someone but I'm open to something flourishing. I don't think it would happen but that door is cracked open. I am having (protected) sex with other women.

 

Is she entitled to more details than I'm not exclusively seeing her? I have to be careful not to ruin our co-parenting relationship.

 

I don't think your arrangement is a good one frankly.

 

Breaking up to "date" non-exclusively makes no sense really and just poses more complications than necessary. This is basically what people are told to avoid in a breakup: go NC, move on, co-parent if need be...but don't sleep with your ex and have some ambiguous half-relationship where boundaries are unclear because you're sorta together but not. It's too confusing and as always, it's usually a situation where one person benefits more than the other. Many people breakup and then try to hold on to their ex by still having sex or agreeing to some half-formed supposed NSA while all the while wanting more...this is what your ex is doing. You don't want the same things. She wants you only, you're fine having her, sort of, and still sleeping with others and are open to meeting someone else, this isn't someone interested in a committed relationship with just her and that will always be a problem. And what if you do end up meeting a woman you actually wanna be serious about, then what? Your ex is gonna be crushed about it and it's gonna be a big drama to break it to her or the woman you're dating won't be comfortable to know that you're in some part-way relationship with your ex and child's mom. I for one would be suspicious of a man I'm dating saying he's still seeing and sleeping with his sort of ex who is his child's mom...I think I would always be suspicious of the relationship, unlike if I meet a man who has been broken up CLEANLY from his ex and has established a co-parenting only relationship for some time.

 

I remember having some weird situation like this with an ex post-breakup where he tried to say it was a break and we could see others. I only wanted to see him, but agreed. It drove me nuts! I was only agreeing to have him in some way, but it was a disservice to me and it was messy for us both and I was constantly anxious, upset, curious about what he was doing and with who and while he was dating away I really wasn't. It's unfair to both people. If he didn't want me as his gf and to be exclusive...leave me be and I needed to leave him. You have already been together and know her and have a child...you have ALL the info to decide if you want her exclusively or not. She isn't a stranger you're feeling out. Going slow in my opinion doesn't make sense in this scenario and just seems like an excuse to not choose her but still have her. You had her exclusively and you all ended that for a reason and have not gotten back together besides halfway....it's clear to me that this just needs to end completely.

 

I think you should just agree to co-parent. You need to be ALL in or ALL out...but this halfway stuff is ALWAYS messy and CANNOT work if one person wants more than what is on offer. You broke up for a reason, you're not willing to just be with her and are still seeing others for a reason...leave her be and allow her to move on and work on just having a co-parenting relationship. This will be much better than the current arrangement and boundaries will be clear then. When she is just your co-parent it's clear what's her business and what's not. As is, she is your sort of gf and sort of not and it makes the whole thing weird.

Edited July 3, 2016 by MissBee

[d409]

She was just starting to get to the point were she wanted to date again. That made me want to try again with her. If I'm not 100% sure having this kind of together kind of not relationship keeps that door open because she still wants to be with me. I don't want her to be with someone else, even though I thought I did.

 

I broke up with her, she was totally against it. We broke up because the sex wasn't good, I felt like I was stuck with her and suffocating, and she lied about some things in the beginning of our relationship to get me interested in her. We didn't break up to see other people specifically.

 

Part of the reason for wanting to go slow is to keep our parenting relationship and romantic relationship separate as much as possible. I want to see if I can feel in love with her again, not just fall back into playing house.

 

I want to see if there is any chance of working it out before it's too late. I hoped maybe the sex would be different or she would be more willing to work on it. I want to see if I can fall in love with her again.

 

We didn't break up because we hated each other, always fought, cheated, etc. We got along well and people were surprised when I ended it. The relationship ended on a good of terms as possible. Normally I agree, don't get back with ex's. But the situation is a little different.

 

Your actions have strong potential to cause her a great deal of hurt. If you don't want to see her hurt, I suggest you rethink your actions.

 

I don't want to hurt her. I know that she is already being hurt - a lot - by this and I know she will be hurt a lot more if it doesn't work out. She was devastated when I broke up with her the first time.

[elaine567]

Truth is you know she is faithful and exclusive to you as she loves only you, whilst you get to have sex with anyone and everyone. YOU feel great she feels like sh&t. Forget the "going slow". YOU are just cake eating.

From your own description of how you treat her sexually you are treating your ex like a prostitute/fbuddy/porn actress.

You have even complained to your fwb (in her earshot), that your ex just isn't good enough sexually ... smh

Who would do that to a woman they truly wanted a LTR with?

 

Your ex loves you, she wants loving sex and as she is not getting it, is it any wonder she is miserable? She is going through the motions because she wants to keep you around, not because she is enjoying the sex you give her or the sex you demand from her. NO doubt she is nervous and anxious trying to live up to the "great sex" you get from your fwbs. (who btw do not care a damn about you)

Loving sex is about both relaxing and enjoying it.

 

You are lacking in empathy here, your ex does not deserve to be treated like this surely? YOU are just basically using her for sex (ironically)and making up all sorts of justifications for it.

If you do not want her and her alone, then let her go, it is just cruel otherwise. You may have a non-monogamous mindset, she obviously doesn't and all you are doing here is hurting her.

 

It is actually very easy to be cruel to people who love us, but at the end of the day, you will find that someone who loves you almost unconditionally is a very rare commodity.

They need to be cherished and adored, not thrown around like a piece of garbage. Think on.

[PrettyEmily77]

Your actions have strong potential to cause her a great deal of hurt. If you don't want to see her hurt, I suggest you rethink your actions.

 

Yeah, I think this has selfish written all over it, on more than one counts.

[tinkerbell16]

She was just starting to get to the point were she wanted to date again. That made me want to try again with her. If I'm not 100% sure having this kind of together kind of not relationship keeps that door open because she still wants to be with me. I don't want her to be with someone else, even though I thought I did.

 

I broke up with her, she was totally against it. We broke up because the sex wasn't good, I felt like I was stuck with her and suffocating, and she lied about some things in the beginning of our relationship to get me interested in her. We didn't break up to see other people specifically.

 

Part of the reason for wanting to go slow is to keep our parenting relationship and romantic relationship separate as much as possible. I want to see if I can feel in love with her again, not just fall back into playing house.

 

I want to see if there is any chance of working it out before it's too late. I hoped maybe the sex would be different or she would be more willing to work on it. I want to see if I can fall in love with her again.

 

We didn't break up because we hated each other, always fought, cheated, etc. We got along well and people were surprised when I ended it. The relationship ended on a good of terms as possible. Normally I agree, don't get back with ex's. But the situation is a little different.

 

 

 

I don't want to hurt her. I know that she is already being hurt - a lot - by this and I know she will be hurt a lot more if it doesn't work out. She was devastated when I broke up with her the first time.

 

Wtf? You dont want her to be with anyone else but you are having sex with other women? You came back juuusssttt before she was about to date again (ie potentially find someone who values her)? What kind of selfish double standard is that?