Carey34 Posted July 2, 2016 Posted July 2, 2016 I always had a problem with my ex texting other women while we were together, which was 3 years. He's never had any guy friends, and he told me he got along better with girls. His workplace is mainly women. All of the women were married, but they would always talk about their terrible husbands to him, and it really bothered me. I found out a month ago that he was texting this girl from work, and he said she was married. Turns out she wasn't, he cheated and left me for her. I ALWAYS felt in my gut that him texting these women all the time was so inappropriate. This last one really bothered me, for obvious reasons. His excuse at first was, "Can't I have friends? I need to have a life!" It had always been an issue in our relationship. Every time, I would tell him that it bothered me. And every time, he didn't listen. Finally, my gut ended up being right. So, am I crazy to think that texting the opposite gender is inappropriate? I'm just so afraid for my future relationships. This is a real deal breaker for me because I don't think I can handle it again. Perhaps I should state that I would like to meet these women? I don't want to feel like I'm being controlling, but I never texted a man once in our entire relationship that wasn't family.
TunaCat Posted July 2, 2016 Posted July 2, 2016 I've been close friends with guys since I was a teenager. I've texted with the opposite sex multiple times and I have never EVER been inappropriate with them and if one was ever inappropriate with me (which one WAS) I would (and DID) cut him off and stop talking to him immediately. So, no texting with the opposite gender is not inappropriate (at least for ME) What matters is the frequency of these conversations and the things that are being talked about. 1
Weezy1973 Posted July 2, 2016 Posted July 2, 2016 I think that having opposite sex friends can enrich our lives, but without proper boundaries, they can create unneeded difficulties in your relationship, and can (as is the case in the OP) ruin a relationship. General rule, if it makes your partner feel insecure, then you and your partner need to discuss what boundaries would make your partner feel safe and secure in the relationship and stick to those. It's a huge flag if you expressed your concerns to your ex and he ignored them or dismissed them. I would have ended things right there had it been my partner. 2
carhill Posted July 2, 2016 Posted July 2, 2016 So, am I crazy to think that texting the opposite gender is inappropriate? If your spouse or partner texting another person of their sexual preference makes you uncomfortable, that's your boundary. My test is can he perform that behavior, whatever the text is, in the presence of the person and you and everyone be OK with it? For example, I might text a MW about her kids or grandkids or ask what she and her H are doing for July 4. I'd ask her the same questions in her presence and with her H right there. No biggie. My exW and I both had opposite gender friends when we were married. The boundary where friendship turns into an EA or PA is feelings and desires and opaque, or even transparent, communication and behaviors that the spouse (you in this case) are uncomfortable with or find inappropriate and/or disrespectful. Each marriage and relationship is different. IOW, what some MW's I know might have worked out with their H's as healthy could be completely different from what my exW and I practiced in our M. Neither are right and neither are wrong. It's what's healthy for the couple in question, here, you. Hope that helps! 2
d409 Posted July 2, 2016 Posted July 2, 2016 That is like saying having friends of the other gender is considered cheating. It's not. If they really are just friends or co-workers and there are no feelings on either end, then no, it's not cheating. You will have a hard time finding a man who is okay with having no female friends, no female co-workers and never texting females. It is something that you will need to learn to overcome. If you cannot trust your partner then you shouldn't be with them. You will find a man that you trust because he will show you that you can trust him. If you are dating someone and they hide their phone, shut it off when you are around or never let you use it, THAT is a red flag and needs to be evaluated.
urmysong Posted July 2, 2016 Posted July 2, 2016 For me is not appropriate. Your man is a bit similar to my husband who I will call an ex cause he broke up with me 3 months ago now. Everytime I open up with him something he will just tell me "stop complaining, You worried too much, I have life too, I am a free person". These words of him "I am a free person" left me confused and questioned myself, "Is a married man, a free person? Why You get married if You want to stay free?
basil67 Posted July 2, 2016 Posted July 2, 2016 It's not always inappropriate. It all depends on a combination of the frequency and the things being discussed. For example, if he was organising a group outing, it would be entirely appropriate. If he's talking with a co-worker on her progress with a project, it's appropriate. Anything deep and meaningful is pushing the line.
Cherryz Posted July 2, 2016 Posted July 2, 2016 Its weird if a guy have only female friends. If he say its just friends he shouldn't be all the time texting 24/7.(specially not at late nights) And you should be able to sit next to him and take a look spontaneously. You cant be with someone and be stressing what they are doing on their phone. Im sure there was more sign that things are not rigth. But i guess you ignored it. And continue the relationship. I dont see why you want to meet this new girl. Stop wasting your time. MOve on. This guy is not worth it. Neither is this girl.
morrowrd Posted July 2, 2016 Posted July 2, 2016 Any texting of the opposite sex that has to be hidden from you is wrong. If they do it only when you're not around, have to delete the texts so you don't accidentally see them - in fact, doing ANYTHING with the opposite sex that has to be kept from you is a red flag. (a private lunch together for instance that you didn't know about)
salparadise Posted July 2, 2016 Posted July 2, 2016 (edited) So, am I crazy to think that texting the opposite gender is inappropriate? I'm just so afraid for my future relationships. This is a real deal breaker for me because I don't think I can handle it again. Perhaps I should state that I would like to meet these women? I don't want to feel like I'm being controlling, but I never texted a man once in our entire relationship that wasn't family. Inappropriate, yes. Cheating, no. Cheating is when he inserts his penis into said opposite sex person. Texting is a precursor. The opposite sex friends dilemma is a sticky wicket for both genders. Are there people who have truly platonic opposite sex friends? Yes, but they're the exception, not the rule. It's mostly a backup care-taking strategy for women, and for guys it's about sexual variety. Some people are predisposed to needing orbiters or a fan club as validation or something like that. Women are worse than men (opinion) because they often believe it's truly platonic even though the motivation is about having options and backups. Men on the other hand are more deliberate. Regardless of motivation or potential for these "friends" to start inducing each other's orgasms, extra-relationship friendships drain energy, time, intention, dedication, and exclusivity of intimacy from a relationship. I've decided that it's a deal breaker for me, depending somewhat on the person and degree/type of entanglement I suppose. I just don't need that kind of sh*t to worry about. I'm into comfort and security, and the vast majority of well balanced people (perhaps 95 percent) do not maintain opposite sex entanglements. So it's easy enough to just say no and move on (assuming you figure it out early). But here's the deal... if you have a bf/gf who is adamant about maintaining these entanglements, you won't be able to change them. If you tell them no way, it's a deal breaker, they will take it underground, squirm and squeal and try to convince you that you're the one with the problem. It's a personality feature. So the only real way to stay clear is to choose people who don't have such predilections in the first place. Edited July 2, 2016 by salparadise 1
Toodaloo Posted July 2, 2016 Posted July 2, 2016 Inappropriate texting yes. But if texting the opposite sex means that a person is cheating then I am missing out big time... after all most of the people I text are male. There's my bosses, friends, family, clients, suppliers, the local garage, the local takeaway... Who knew! If a person is likely to cheat then they will. It doesn't mean that everyone will. Learn to notice what is appropriate and inappropriate rather than worry if it's a guy or girl...
Lois_Griffin Posted July 2, 2016 Posted July 2, 2016 It sounds as though Romeo was purposely making only unhappily married women his 'friends' because he thought they were ripe for the picking. His intentions were about as transparent as glass. 1
mikeylo Posted July 2, 2016 Posted July 2, 2016 (edited) I agree, the moment someone ( men or women ) says they have a life outside their relationship and adamant upon keeping opposite sex 'friends' , issues begin and ruins any potential they might have had. My wife and I have always had mutual friends and keep ourselves close while friends remain just mutual friends with strict boundaries. No relationship can survive with lose boundaries no matter how anyone justifies it. No texting , no calls , no meetings , no confiding own relationship ups and downs, nada. Ive seen 'friends' of opposite sex giving horrendous advise on relationships just to see relationship of the 'friend ' fail and later give them ' emotional support'. Time and again these opposite sex friendships have destroyed relationships.Cheating has become so much easier while morals/values are hard to keep. I dont agree with ' if you have to hide from your partner or if you wouldnt do it in front of them ' . Reason is that many people do the inappropriate in front of the partner and blame them for believing its inappropriate and saying exactly that: if it was inappropriate, I wouldnt be doing in front of you ! Its you who doesnt trust me, is controlling, have low self esteem , etc etc, Edited July 2, 2016 by mikeylo 1
salparadise Posted July 3, 2016 Posted July 3, 2016 Reason is that many people do the inappropriate in front of the partner and blame them for believing its inappropriate and saying exactly that: if it was inappropriate, I wouldnt be doing in front of you ! Its you who doesnt trust me, is controlling, have low self esteem , etc etc, Yup, the greater the pushback, the bigger the problem. If you want a relationship that feels congruent, choose a partner that has close same-sex friends, and opposite sex acquaintances. I had these two aunts on my Dad's side who were overweight. They attended Weight-Watchers regularly and were always on a diet. However, if you moved the couch cushions and looked behind their knick-knacks you'd find candy bars everywhere. I always though that was the weirdest thing. Exactly the same strategy.
Lady2163 Posted July 3, 2016 Posted July 3, 2016 I always had a problem with my ex texting other women while we were together, which was 3 years. He's never had any guy friends, and he told me he got along better with girls. His workplace is mainly women. All of the women were married, but they would always talk about their terrible husbands to him, and it really bothered me. I found out a month ago that he was texting this girl from work, and he said she was married. Turns out she wasn't, he cheated and left me for her. I ALWAYS felt in my gut that him texting these women all the time was so inappropriate. This last one really bothered me, for obvious reasons. His excuse at first was, "Can't I have friends? I need to have a life!" It had always been an issue in our relationship. Every time, I would tell him that it bothered me. And every time, he didn't listen. Finally, my gut ended up being right. So, am I crazy to think that texting the opposite gender is inappropriate? I'm just so afraid for my future relationships. This is a real deal breaker for me because I don't think I can handle it again. Perhaps I should state that I would like to meet these women? I don't want to feel like I'm being controlling, but I never texted a man once in our entire relationship that wasn't family. Boundaries are important in opposite sex friendships. I had a boyfriend who considered his ex girlfriend to be his best friend. She had ended things with him. He would leap tall buildings for her. She'd call and ask him if he was busy that night. No, of course not. He'd the new cancel a date with me to go take her grocery shopping or something like that. It was his place to draw the line and he chose not to. Hne desperately wanted her back so he had no limits with her, but sacrificed me on a regular basis. If you tell a future man/boyfriend that he can't have any female friends or receive calls and texts from non family member friends, unless they currently have none, they probably will not be interested in a relationship with you. You have been burned and you are gun shy, I know where you're coming from, but your behavior is too controlling. Limit setting in important, I am usually awake and at work by 700 AM. There's very few people who I tolerate texting or calling after 1100 PM or before 600 AM. That's a limit I set. Those friends who do this when it isn't an emergency get told once not to do that. If I have to bother with my privacy settings, I even tell them what is going on. I have zero tolerance for drama. You will probably benefit from a man who is open with his phone. But that is still a slippery slope of he and his male friends get raunchy at times or he looks at porn. Are you able to accept that?
phineas Posted July 3, 2016 Posted July 3, 2016 My test is can he perform that behavior, whatever the text is, in the presence of the person and you and everyone be OK with it? This. I would never text anything to a female friend that her partner or my partner would consider disrespectful to mine or her partners or could not be seen by anyone if either of us were with someone. sadly women i've dated did not believe the same so buh-bye. 1
Mjm1014 Posted July 3, 2016 Posted July 3, 2016 I feel for you Carey...I've had the same issue in the past with some of my relationships. I'm a guy and the last three relationships I've been in dealt with the same exact issue. Girl 1-dated for 2 years, always texted her "guy friend" and always said he was basically just a brother. Cheated on me with him and got pregnant. The end. Girl 2-dated 1 year, same thing as girl 1..cheated got pregnant Girl 3-dated 9 months, broke up with me one day out of the blue and got in a relationship and is now engaged to the other guy. That's only 3 off the top of my head but all of the relationships I've been in the girl I was seeing was always texting another guy and later after we broke up she would date him or I would find out she had a huge crush on the guy So the take away...I've learned my lesson and so should you. The next time I'm in a relationship, if I get any of the red flags, I'm going to bail...don't be played for as a fool and stand your ground!! People like to always have a second option incase the relationship doesn't work out. I feel like the people that do this are usually the serial dater types that jump from one relationship to the other...did this guy have a history of that? Sorry this wasn't much help but you're not alone. This subject hits a nerve with me
Hermus Posted July 3, 2016 Posted July 3, 2016 I always had a problem with my ex texting other women while we were together, which was 3 years. He's never had any guy friends, and he told me he got along better with girls. His workplace is mainly women. All of the women were married, but they would always talk about their terrible husbands to him, and it really bothered me. It seems that he just enjoys female company on a friendly basis. There is nothing wrong in itself with texting with the other gender. It all depends on the content. I found out a month ago that he was texting this girl from work, and he said she was married. Turns out she wasn't, he cheated and left me for her. I ALWAYS felt in my gut that him texting these women all the time was so inappropriate. This last one really bothered me, for obvious reasons. His excuse at first was, "Can't I have friends? I need to have a life!" It had always been an issue in our relationship. Every time, I would tell him that it bothered me. And every time, he didn't listen. Finally, my gut ended up being right. So, am I crazy to think that texting the opposite gender is inappropriate? I'm just so afraid for my future relationships. This is a real deal breaker for me because I don't think I can handle it again. Perhaps I should state that I would like to meet these women? I don't want to feel like I'm being controlling, but I never texted a man once in our entire relationship that wasn't family. If you are so controlling and keeping your boyfriends from being in touch with women in any way, even though he has a lot of female friends the controlling behaviour might be what leads to guys cheating in the first place. Often being distrustful creates a self-fulfilling prophecy.
TheBathWater Posted July 3, 2016 Posted July 3, 2016 I always had a problem with my ex texting other women while we were together, which was 3 years. He's never had any guy friends, and he told me he got along better with girls. His workplace is mainly women. All of the women were married, but they would always talk about their terrible husbands to him, and it really bothered me. I found out a month ago that he was texting this girl from work, and he said she was married. Turns out she wasn't, he cheated and left me for her. I ALWAYS felt in my gut that him texting these women all the time was so inappropriate. This last one really bothered me, for obvious reasons. His excuse at first was, "Can't I have friends? I need to have a life!" It had always been an issue in our relationship. Every time, I would tell him that it bothered me. And every time, he didn't listen. Finally, my gut ended up being right. So, am I crazy to think that texting the opposite gender is inappropriate? I'm just so afraid for my future relationships. This is a real deal breaker for me because I don't think I can handle it again. Perhaps I should state that I would like to meet these women? I don't want to feel like I'm being controlling, but I never texted a man once in our entire relationship that wasn't family. Oh God, not again. This was the SAME issue that corrupted my last LTR. My opinion is this. Texting is a form of communication. If you commit to a monogamous relationship, you commit to maintaining appropriate boundaries where boundaries could potentially dissolve and injure the relationship, you, or your partner. Maintaining ongoing (especially friendly) contact with the opposite sex is really not maintaining appropriate boundaries. It's similar to 'hanging out' with someone of the opposite sex who you're 'friends' with. People who wind up cheating typically don't think things can start from texting, but they often can and do, since it's considered a 'safe' zone due to being physically removed from the other person. But intimacy is not a physical act...it's an emotional one that begins in fantasy. Regular texting engages both emotions and fantasy, creating a bond if the two people doing it are curious about each other and allow boundaries to dissolve. Not to get all academic and weird here, but that's how it happens. Like I said, my last LTR had this same issue. She also had no female friends, only opposite sex friends, which concerned me. She cheated on her last boyfriend as well. All bad, bad signs. I don't like to be the 'protective' or jealous type either, and with most women I am not, but with this one I was. It sounds like with your guy, you had that gut feeling too. That feeling came to you for a reason. Sorry to hear that the feeling was right. I can think of one woman - ONE - who is a colleague that I text once in a while to make consultation plans with. We probably are in contact once every three months or something. She's married with a kid. There is nothing between us, not even remotely. Women who are happily married or in relationships will not engage in regular texting with me. Women who are not happily coupled, or are coupled but frankly are insecure and love attention and feeling desired (and who will often cheat on their boyfriends), will return my texts. So, everything in context. I'm sure there are some rare exceptions where opposite sexes who are attracted to each other can text and maintain boundaries, but with all the excuses culture has these days to justify immediate gratification and be sneaky about the whole thing, I really do not trust that people can just text constantly and not have a relationship form. No, you are not crazy in a sane world. You are sane in a crazy world.
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