It's tough...

[nns91]

Hi all,

 

I have contemplated a lot before decided to write this post. I finally decided to do it as a way to let out my thoughts.

 

My gf of 4.5 years broke up with me almost 3 weeks ago....for the 2nd time. It's been tough on me since things were going well. I just passed my big exam at the end of 2nd year in grad school and have been looking forward to a fun summer with here when we get to do more fun stuff.

 

I will try to keep everything short. Here is how it goes:

 

We met in college and have been doing long distance for the past 2 years. Last spring, she broke up with me, claiming that I was too boring, was such a safe choice, she never truly loved me, and there was no spark in our relationship. That was out of the blue as she wanted to date this "free-spirit" guy who was more fun. They broke up after a month because it would not work after they graduated from college. Then, the guy had revived feelings for his ex and came back to her.

 

I saw her (and her family) again at her graduation (this was 2 months after we broke up. She had texted me about a week or two before that. Her family invited me to go on a trip with them. One thing let to another, she developed feelings for me again during that trip. As we were both home for the summer, our relationship rekindled.

 

After the summer, I helped her move into her new apartment and got her settled in. We began to do more stuff together. I worked on the things that she mentioned that was my flaws, including being more expressive (both physically and emotionally). Due to distance, we have not seen each other a whole lot (definitely once a month if not twice, for a weekend). We text and skype every night. She kept telling me that she truly loves me....

 

We have been going strong for the past 12 months, until the end of May. She was upset that I did not surprised her with a visit, immediately after my big exam. I told her, that was because I wanted to celebrate with my classmates and I wanted her to come the week after so I can introduce her to my lab mates (I thought that was reasonable???). She apologized for being unreasonable but started to act weird with her texting. I eventually asked her and she told me after she got mad at me, she reflected on our relationship and saw that there was no spark....pretty much what she said the year before.

 

She still came to visit me 3 weekends ago. We did fun/new stuff and she said she had fun. After she went home, her texting was never 100% and after 10 days, she broke up with me.

 

I asked her why? she gave me the reasons that she is immature, likes the immediate/easy fun, saw no spark in our relationship (even during her last visit). It was pretty much deja vu for me.

 

I was left frustrated, tried to reason it out to her that we have to do more fun things to create the "spark' but she had none of that. Also, she mentioned that there were things that we could work on if we were physically together but she did not like the distance. I asked if she wanted me to move but she said it was not an option. In the end, I was like whatever....you decided what you wanted to do and have fun exploring the world!

 

I am now in a limbo....half of me told me that you are done with her....the other half told me to wait for her to grow up......

Edited July 1, 2016 by nns91

[PegNosePete]

I asked her why? she gave me the reasons that she is immature, likes the immediate/easy fun, saw no spark in our relationship (even during her last visit). It was pretty much deja vu for me.

Yeah, the old "it's not you it's me" thing. As old as the hills.

 

tried to reason it out to her

This is probably the wrong thing to do. Breaking up with someone is not a logical choice, but an emotional one. Trying to use logic and reasoning to overcome an emotional decision, is doomed to failure. Even if it works, the emotion is still not there, so it won't last long.

 

I am now in a limbo....half of me told me that you are done with her....the other half told me to wait for her to grow up......

Nah, you're not in limbo. She has told you exactly where you stand - twice. She is not looking for a long distance relationship, and when she is away from you she feels disconnected and starts looking for other guys.

 

It's not going to work while you're long distance. And it might not work even if you weren't. It's certainly not worth moving a long way on the off-chance that it might work.

 

If I were you I'd assume you're over for good, and move on.

[nns91]

Thank you for your thoughts!

 

I agree with what you said. She told me that it was her and not me.

 

Yeah, I understand what you said about rational vs. emotions. That's why after I asked if she was sure. I just accepted it and have not talked to her since.

 

When she wanted to break up this time, she originally said it was not about the distance. She told me when we rekindled that she would be fine with it. I even asked her if she wanted to see me often and she said if I see her once a month it is fine. I also asked about moving there as well and she said it was not necessary. Therefore, I am just if she said anything about the distance, things could have been done about it.

 

I am really trying to move on by hang out with people, keep myself busy with work. It's just tough that I don't know why I still have strong feelings for her given what she has done to me.

[nns91]

Also, in the end, did she reject the past just to make it easier to go through the breakup and the main reason is the long distance?

 

I guess one thing I got hung up on is the fact she rejected the past.

[nns91]

I can't help but constantly think about her. Is there a chance that she will regret her decision? seems like she made that decision when she was stressed about her work....

[nns91]

Well...just to write out more thoughts. Regardless of the fact I am doing better this time than the first time, it still sucks to go through this phase. I still think about her a lot. Sometimes, I am angry that she treated me like that after what I have done for me. I feel like I was being used. It seems as though once she got her friends who could help her around, I am no longer needed. On the other hand, I just miss everything about her: her goofiness, her smile, pretty much everything.... Still don't understand how things could change so quickly like that...from her being all loving and supportive to her have no feelings anymore

 

I have not contacted her yet though I have felt the temptation many times. I am gonna go on a month vacation back home. It is gonna be helpful but also tough since that's where we have a lot of memories. Even last year when we broke up, by the time i was gonna go home, we sorta agreed on rekindling our relationship and then the few weeks together during the summer were filled with memories.

[Akwx7657]

Honestly man you're doing a great job with your life regarding career wise. Just let her go; you see the more emotional an event is the more hard wired it becomes ingrained into our brain. In other words just start seeing other people; not in a serious way, but talking to other girls. Little by little it will become easier and easier to not get so emotional about her. Then will you see her you will be more reasonable and stable to talk to her, but you will be seeing other people and you will be more happy. There are way to many beautiful women out there who are mature and could handle a relationship; is her lost and your gain man.

[nns91]

Thank you for your comments! Yeah, I am trying to tell myself that there might be people out there who are able to appreciate my care and love.

 

So most people have told me that "it's her lost and my gain" Right now I can't fully understand it. It seems like it's her gain by getting rid of me so that she can do whatever she wants and my lost by losing someone I care so much about? Doesn't it seem counterintuitive?

 

I can't help but question myself what did I do wrong? is it undesirable to be so loving/caring and stable? does it mean I have to unstable in relationships to be desired by girls?

[nns91]

It has been almost a month of NC now....I still don't know why I still think about her everyday. Every night I dream about us together, wake up to reality, and feel like crap.

 

I can't help but keep question myself of why did it happen? what went wrong? is it wrong for me to be "stable"? I mean I am all about doing new things, exploring new places so I don't consider myself to be boring but why stability is not desired? isn't stability a good thing?

 

I don't know what else I could have done? I could say with confidence that I was always there for her to support her, take time out of my schedule to talk to her everyday, came up with a new work schedule to be able to visit her more often and longer each time, and even considered moving there for her.....

 

She said there was no spark ever, even when we first dated 5.5 years ago.....???? She said she still remembered her spark about her first love but how come she did not remember anything about us???? I started to question everything? Many times she said she truly loves me and is truly happy being with me. She did not only say that to me but to others as well.

 

I am just frustrated at this whole situation....

[nns91]

Here I am... a month removed from this (maintaining strict NC)....I am still riding the roller coaster of emotions. Sometimes, I miss her dearly and sometimes I tell myself to forget about all this.

 

All these questions I have in my head are frustrating to deal with. She is probably very happy now that she got rid of me....It's painful to think that she could walk away so easily and probably to be with another person.

 

Anyone have answers to questions that I posed above ? What did I do wrong?

[bummer]

1. So most people have told me that "it's her lost and my gain" Right now I can't fully understand it. It seems like it's her gain by getting rid of me so that she can do whatever she wants and my lost by losing someone I care so much about? Doesn't it seem counterintuitive?

2. I can't help but question myself what did I do wrong?

3. is it undesirable to be so loving/caring and stable?

4. does it mean I have to unstable in relationships to be desired by girls?

5. I can't help but keep question myself of why did it happen?what went wrong?

6. is it wrong for me to be "stable"?

7. I mean I am all about doing new things, exploring new places so I don't consider myself to be boring but why stability is not desired? isn't stability a good thing?

8. I don't know what else I could have done?

9. She said there was no spark ever, even when we first dated 5.5 years ago.....????

10. She said she still remembered her spark about her first love but how come she did not remember anything about us????

11. What did I do wrong?

 

First, you are rationalizing emotions, bargaining with denial, a river in Africa, and you won't win. Grieve harder and get angry. She sucks. Admit it. She sucks the worstest.

 

1. People say that so you feel better. Yes, counter-intuitive, like saying the grey sky is pretty. Lies to ease the pain. Feel better? No. Fine. "it's her lost and my gain" should be "it's her loss, and your CHANCE to gain." Why? Now you get to build that weak personality she grew to resent and flesh it out with new gadgets and exclusive features. Add a stronger humor steering, upgrade your interest and hobby wheels. Add more independence cylinders, add more romantic trim options through new experiences, and throw out that old codependent narcissism cat converter. Make a you, v.2.0, with personality injection.

 

2. help yourself. You did nothing you're former self wouldn't do exactly the same again given equal variables. Meaning? You know was not you then. Are you mad you couldn't drive your 8 year old self to laser tag when all your friends went? No, you were dependent on your parents to drive then. you couldn't drive. You're mad at them for not taking you. Just like now, you were not fully equipped then to provide all she needed to stay in the relationship because it required HER to provide her part. She gave up. Nothing you could have done would have been anything but a delay of the inevitable. Obtuse analogy? Yeah, I don't understand it either.

 

3. Age and maturity dependent question with variable answers: If you replace those words with smothering/needy and boring and then the answer is yes. Predictable behavior in your 20s is akin to acting like an 80 year old who needs Matlock and metamucil at 4PM. It sucks. Girls and guys your age just want to have fun. Watch this:

It explains her problem succinctly.

 

4. You just need to be you. Although some love advice experts suggest yes, acting like a uninterested jerk helps maintain attraction. You have to be some form of challenge to engage her. Just like she was for you. Like a baby, the toy that rattles, beeps, lights up and tastes good with many features, including some she hasnt discovered yet, will be a preferred toy to a stick. Both are good toys. Preferences are fickle. Your ex was tired of your sticky-ness.

 

5. You weren't a new face to snog. You have small arms. You have big arms. Your hair is brown, she wants to try a blond guy. Your weiner is XYZ and she wants to see if there is ABCDEFGHIJ... She wants to see if she prefers those models. You're a dependable F-150 truck, great for most and a solid settle at age 30 based on towing capacity, but currently she wishes to experiment with a GTR, Lambo, DB7, G7, and school bus to see if she prefers the dudes attached to those cars (you get that analogy?). Just remember, when you go shopping for a toothbrush, and pick one because you like blue bristles and a soft grip, doesn't mean any of the other choices are not without merit. She tried you, a dependable toothbrush, but wants to see if the expensive one and the cheap ones clean her out just as well before settling on the right choice for HER. Sorry your feelings hurt because of her experimentation.

 

6. No, see #3, be you. Someone wants "stable." Not your ex, not right now.

 

7. Stability is desired and yes. See #3 and realize she didn't want stability right now.

 

8. Likely nothing. It was over. Youthful experience.

 

9. Ahh, I know this. This is the "diffusion-of-guilt-and-emotion-by-negating tactic." Used commonly by dumpers to assuage their internal confusion and anguish. Remember, the worse you seem, the easier it is for her to walk away. If you tell yourself enough times something you like, is actually bad, bland, boring, weak, ugly, stupid, etc., you convince yourself it's true. She wanted to get over you, so she says mean things to try and convince you and her that it wasn't meant to be. Likewise, the more you tell YOURSELF you're boring, stable, guilty, whatever, the more it becomes true. This thinking is bad.

 

10. Now it get's tricky. In honesty, maybe she didn't really feel it. Maybe she was attracted, smitten with your stability, but never really invested. Like owning a honda or toyota. It runs, but doesn't turn heads or go very fast. If you think she's honest and not just spewing hate, that should make it easier for you. Now you know she wasn't really invested in you and you know better than to always be a honda when the girl was looking for a Audi or something. On a tangent, were you a rebound for her?

 

11. Nothing. You are you. You were you then (flawed). You are you now (flawed). Make a better you for tomorrow (flawed, but with better trim options). Go lose weight or gain muscle:

 

She is probably very happy now that she got rid of me...

Oh, she isn't happy. Her life sucks. She sucks. Admit it. She sucks the worstest.

Edited July 9, 2016 by bummer

[nns91]

Thanks so much!!! I know that I am trying to rationalize things. It's the nature of a scientist hahah

 

I can see why she sucks because she throws away 5.5 years of our relationship just like that. I honestly don't know how can someone do that just indirectly because I did not make a surprise visit immediately after my big exam (which led her to reflect on our relationship).

 

However, you think she is not happy? How is it that her life sucks? Clearly, she seems happy now that she can explore the world all she wants....She gets rid of me but still have her cool friends. Isn't that a win win situation for her? Does not look like she loses anything???

 

I have been working on myself. I have been working hard for my career, playing sports like usual, getting into wine tasting, real hiking/traveling stuff.

 

I know that I am not a boring person. I don't just sit at home and do nothing. I am adventurous as well (evidently, I decided to move to the US by myself since I was 16). However, this rejection just makes me question myself...am I that bad of a person that deserves this rejection?

[VeveCakes]

No you are not a bad person.

 

She is not as invested as you, it's time to move on.

[hakuna matata]

OP, you literally are the male version of me. I feel your pain and everything that you've said has deeply resonated with me. I hope I can be of some support to you. I recently had my heart broken by my ex whom I dated for 3.5 years. It ended because of literally the exact same reasons.

 

It sounds so weird for me to be even trying to do anything since I have my own problems but know that you are you. Do NOT beat yourself up (again I do it so it might be hypocritical for me to even say this). You must feel like you've done everything right that anyone could have done. To have her toss you to the side, you feel worthless sort of because you're thinking "If I performed at my best and I wasn't even wanted, no one would". That is not you, that is on her!

 

I too heavily invested exactly the same way you did for your ex. Just understand that it is not worth being in a one-sided relationship when you only live one life. Be with someone who wants to be with you. Be with someone who will consistently pick you and even if there is something else shinier out there, they choose to be with you.

 

Stay strong! Please feel free to message me, I cannot reiterate how much your story really resonated with my current situation.

Edited July 10, 2016 by hakuna matata

[bubbaganoosh]

Face it. You became plan B after her and the other guy called it quits. Now your asking to become plan C, so ask yourself how many times do you want to go through this.

 

You keep on taking her back and it will become easier for her to pull the same thing and all you'll do is stay in the same rut and it will get deeper every time.

 

My advice is to move on and don't contact her. If she contacts you, don't answer. Maybe she'll finally realize that she can't continue to call you back when her life suddenly becomes empty. She wants a fill in until someone better in her eyes comes along. Leave it alone and move on.

[bummer]

I can see why she sucks because she throws away 5.5 years of our relationship just like that. I honestly don't know how can someone do that just indirectly because I did not make a surprise visit immediately after my big exam (which led her to reflect on our relationship).

 

She wanted to end this MONTHS AGO. She knew you were finishing and transitioning to summer and she didn't have the courage MONTHS AGO to end it. So she used the most expedient excuse available (you not flying there immediately) as a guilt flip to make you the bad guy. Believe this.

 

However, you think she is not happy? How is it that her life sucks? Clearly, she seems happy now that she can explore the world all she wants....She gets rid of me but still have her cool friends. Isn't that a win win situation for her? Does not look like she loses anything???

 

she loses you, buddy. Remember the lie about "it's her loss not yours?" This is one too. Lie to yourself, scientists do it all the time. She sucks because of xyz reasons.

 

However, this rejection just makes me question myself...am I that bad of a person that deserves this rejection?

 

As Veve said, NO. Bad stuff happens to good people. The pope still dies. Innocent people get shot all the time in America. Life isn't fair. Look at it this way, you now get the chance to find someone even better than your ex.

[hurts2death]

look very deep inside you.......

 

go nc. even if it feels against the situation.

 

we live in a world with way too many choices and trust me the grass is no way greener and

 

girls get to be attention suckers , relationships are very hard

 

and remember

 

it is all about you anything you control and you ever had control of is

 

you and your actions. after this its a stop a huge stop nth you ever do or think will change that.

 

feel it through grow bigger smarter and start falling in love with you.

 

take care my friend .

[nns91]

Thanks all for the encouragement! I know.....life is pretty unfair.....while she is jumping around, probably to a new guy who is flashier, I am here grieving. It feels like I was being used. I helped her throughout college, guide her through things so that she could get into grad schools. Once she got into grad school, she dumped me. Then, I helped her settle in with her new environment in a new city. Once she is settled in, she dumped me.

 

Still can't fathom how can someone be that cruel, especially when she is highly educated as well....To everyone, she is always bubbly and nice so no one will ever see this side of her.

 

I am trying to tell myself that now I am back on the market again....it's a tough thing to convince myself of. I have never been really in the game of courtship and such. My ex and I were friends first and then got closer and closer.

 

Do you guys think that it's terrible of me to fancy the idea of dating others at the moment? I somehow feel guilty if I now think of other women. I have been used to one way of talking to women, which is being friendly but not flirty, since I never fancied the idea of being with another girl while being with my ex.

 

Do I actually deserve a better partner? Didn't I get dumped because I was not good enough of a partner?

[bubbaganoosh]

 

Do you guys think that it's terrible of me to fancy the idea of dating others at the moment? I somehow feel guilty if I now think of other women. I have been used to one way of talking to women, which is being friendly but not flirty, since I never fancied the idea of being with another girl while being with my ex.

 

Do I actually deserve a better partner? Didn't I get dumped because I was not good enough of a partner?

 

Why not? Your single and just sitting around moping so don't feel guilty, BUT. Don't meet a girl and be with her just to fill the void. It's not fair to her and in the long run she's the one who will take it on the chin.

 

Get your head squared away. Go out with your friends and enjoy life. You don't need to find a "replacement" just to have someone but just go have fun and keep it loose.

 

If you get ideas about your ex just remember that she dropped you twice and ask yourself if you deserve better. You know the answer to that question.

[nns91]

Oh I fully understand! I am focusing on myself by hanging out with friends. I am actually going on a spontaneous trip with a friend. I am not really looking for a replacement. I know that the next person will never be the same and it is unfair to compare. Also, I know what I am looking for as well. Just that I have troubles opening up to girls in a way that might lead to a relationship.

 

I think I deserve better...I don't think that I was that terrible of a boyfriend since I took care of her, was always there for her, supportive, patient, and willing to listen to whatever she had to say??? Aren't those things supposed to be good? So, I don't think I deserved that ending...

[hakuna matata]

Oh I fully understand! I am focusing on myself by hanging out with friends. I am actually going on a spontaneous trip with a friend. I am not really looking for a replacement. I know that the next person will never be the same and it is unfair to compare. Also, I know what I am looking for as well. Just that I have troubles opening up to girls in a way that might lead to a relationship.

 

I think I deserve better...I don't think that I was that terrible of a boyfriend since I took care of her, was always there for her, supportive, patient, and willing to listen to whatever she had to say??? Aren't those things supposed to be good? So, I don't think I deserved that ending...

 

It is a great step to know what you want and seek in a new relationship. For me, I also have trouble opening up to guys but remember that opening up to the opposite sex doesn't mean you have to do it for the reason of dating, just open up as if you are wanting to be friends. I'm sure you and I both want to establish friendships first before upgrading that friendship into a relationship so do that first.

 

I'm going to say no on you thinking you deserve better because YOU DO deserve better. She took for granted the basic components of what it is that great partners provide. If she doesn't even want that then she doesn't deserve anything better from you.

 

You will have my support nns91, we both have some troubling exs that have broken up with us twice, who we went to school with, and can't seem to understand that relationships require more work than they seem yet they want to avoid the actual work involved.

[nns91]

I am to share more thoughts.....well now it has been 6 weeks. I actually talked to her yesterday. This stemmed from the fact her mum wanted to resolve our problems. I have to say that it's weird that talking to her did not really set me back in my progress of moving on.

 

The reason I wanted to talk to her because I wanted to give it one last shot. I put everything on the table about solutions to problems that she thought we had. In the end, she did not want to work on problems. She said she did not know what she wanted. She felt everything was forced between us and now she wanted something more "natural". She thought we were not compatible and she did not feel comfortable around me and talking to me.

 

She lied to her parents about why we broke up last year (she never mentioned the part that she left me for another dude). Now in her mum's eyes, I was the person who did not try hard enough. I was criticized for going home, instead of staying around to help her move. I was like, I got dumped, why do you expect me to hang around?

 

In the end, it did not matter. I tried everything I could. Now, I can happily move on and tell myself that "it's not your fault"

 

Is it surprising that talking to her did not set me back a lot in terms of my progress? Does it mean I am moving on?

 

I started to develop interest in another girl that I met a week ago. We have been talking and get along really well. I am not comparing her to my ex at all. I am seeing her for who she is. Is it appropriate for me to pursue this?