She Brokeup with me after 10 years and Im lost...

[LostnLonely4now]

This is my first post and I'm new to this site, hopefully I'm where I need to be.

 

Anyways I'm now 28 years old, Im a Male, I met my now ex when we were both 18 years old. We met in College and she pretty much moved in with me and my roommates even before we started dating. So we didn't really court or date we kind of just hung out, went to the movies, it was more like friends in the beginning, I was seeing another girl at the time but nothing real, and eventually we got to together.

 

Once we left School she moved States with me and we eventually got a apartment. When we were around 19 she got pregnant and we didn't have the baby.You do things because at the time you feel like you have to and you may live with the regret. It bothered us both but it really hurt her more then I even knew at the time, we were only together 2 years, and this was really both of ours first real relationship. I want to say the first 4 to 5 years we fought about stupid stuff, things normal people fight about, but we always wanted to be with each other and never apart. We would go out and do a lot of stuff together, celebrate the Holidays, we shared a lot of good memories and had a great sex life.

 

My mother got diagnosed with Cancer in 2010, my mother and I were close, I was a mamma's boy for sure. Around this horrible time my gf began talking to guys online and keeping it from me, I found some emails and some websites that were not good..I confronted her about it and asked her why? And she said she didn't know...She has a big problem with keeping her feelings bottled up and it takes a lot to get her to even open up about things.She told me personal things from her childhood that she never told anyone early on in our relationship, but as time went on I realized that she doesn't have a hard time telling other people what bothers her, but when it comes to the person it involves she cannot talk with them. This was the first time I ever had this issue with her and I basically assumed it was because we weren't going out as much and spending time together, she agreed but, I'm the one who basically answered the question not her, all she ever did when something was going on in our relationship was gave me "I don't know" or just says "im sorry" with no real explanation. She told me that when she was younger her father was very abusive, more emotionally then physically but that he wouldn't let her show any emotion or she would get hit. I always took this as a reason why she is so hard to talk with and to open up.

 

Well In 2012 my mother took a turn for the worst, I basically left my job and was taking care of her, well during this time my gf was talking to two guys online again, I seen the emails, about sexual things and one of them was asking to meet her for sex and she said if you were closer I would...I flipped out and called her up while she was at work, and I told her I was done with her and I broke up with her. But, then she came home and I told her that I couldn't believe what she was doing and she apologized and said she was sorry and all that, I asked her how far things really went, and she said she wasn't being serious about anything, and she wouldn't ever cheat, but then she admitted she talked to one of them on her cell, and that she added them on Facebook..I told her I would take her back if she cutoff all the ties with these people and that meant getting rid of her email and Facebook. I told her this was her last chance and that my trust was hurting, she agreed to do so. And things seem to go better for us for awhile.

 

My mother passed away shortly after this and I was really messed up emotionally, and I started to really not care about being healthy, ya know just kind gaveup on caring about things. My mother was my go to person for my relationship and her passing really destroyed me.

 

The next two years we kind of went complacent, we mainly stayed home more and didn't go out as much as we use to, we both put on weight, we didn't really fight to much but our sex life was not as great as it use to be, less often and not a lot of spice. We ended up buying our first home in 2014 and moving in, we were very excited and was looking at the future and all the things we wanted to do again and what we wanted to do to the house and all that. The first year and half in our new home was great, we were spending more time together and having fun and our sex life was doing better. At this time I was only working at home and she had a night shift job. I want to say the end of 2015 to now she began acting very distant and she didnt show me a lot of emotion anymore, she barely wanted sex and things seem to be real off about her, I started getting suspicious and "controlling" in some aspects, We use to talk on her breaks and she began not wanting to talk on them as much, and sometimes she would come home 20 or 30mins later then usual, with having the trust issues from the past I began questioning her often, I felt like she was cheating with someone from work. She denied it, but I still pressed it on, and tried to get to the bottom of why the change in her, she finally came out and said two things, that she thought she would have a child by now and that its what she always wanted a family, and she did ask me if I wanted kids throughout our relationship and I told her I wanted to wait until I was closer to 30, and she acted fine with it. I told her we could start talking about it now, and planning it. I asked why she was being so damn cold to me and acting the way she did, and she said she has been holding on to resentment towards me for all this stuff she bottled up over the years and it included 9 years ago when we had a abortion, and she said she hated me because of it, we both agreed and said it was the right choice out the time, but she insisted that she felt I wouldn't be with her if she had the kid, which was not the case. I asked her what I could do to help her get over all the resentment towards me and wasn't sure if she was still in love with me because of it, she said she just needed time now that she opened up and she had to deal with it herself, I even offered for us to talk to someone and she refused, I told her it wasn't good to keep things inside and that she should open up to a friend or family member if she felt like she couldn't talk to me, so she would be able to get her feelings out. So a month went by and we talked more about things and she acted like she was in a better place, she even said she was still In love with me and I thought things were going well. Well then another month later she reverts back to way she was before and I got suspicious again, and one night she left for work and didn't come home. I thought something bad happened and called police, hospitals, people she knew, everything. And she shows up with two guys from her work and starts packing up her clothes, I tried talking to her and she basically said she was done, and I made the mistake of begging her not to leave and she was very cold and showed no emotion at all, I never see her like this.I asked her if this is really it or if we could talk, she said didn't know, and said she would call me later. She never did. I dont drive, and we only had one car in both our names so she took it and we had a vet appointment for our dog the next day, so she came home and we went to the vet. Gave us a opportunity to talk, I asked her about one of the men that came-over to our home, that she worked with, she told me at first he was just a friend and then after pushing it, she admitted she had feelings for him, so I asked her if she was leaving me for him and she said he has nothing to do with whats going on with us. And then she tells me that she shared all our issues and her past with him, and that he was going through a divorce, and they grew closer, but were just friends. I asked her what we are doing and she said she just needs a break for now, and that we would talk more about it on the phone later. So again she never calls or answers mine. And I also asked her where she was staying, and she told me this guys house, I was like there no way we are working on anything if your with a guy you have feelings for and she said she was only going to his house while she was waiting to get a hold of her girl friend to stay with her.

 

So we basically don't talk for a few days and finally she answers my call 4 days later and shes still at this guys house and telling me she couldn't reach her friend. A few days later she finally tells me she was staying with her girl friend.Then she came over Saturday and I bought her flowers and we talk about things, and we asked each-other if the other could change and work through it we both said yes, and then she said she thinks I wouldn't change. And I tried to dive deeper into what we could do and she said she didn't want to talk about things with me because she needed time to be less angry before she could talk about anything.I wrote her letters to express the way I was feeling and how I wanted to change and so on, she took my letters and read them, but she wouldn't talk to me about them much. I even wrote her like a love poem letter and asked her what she thought and she said she liked it. Eventually she told me she couldn't do us anymore and officially broke up, but left me with the whole right now lets me friends and take things from there and see where they go. She even went as far to tell me we would spend a day or two each week doing things together, watching our tv shows, going out to the park, dinner whatever. So right off all this I'm confused, she makes me believe that we can work to reconcile, but every-time I try to setup something she would come over spend maybe an hour, and we didn't fight or even talk a lot about our relationship and she would find a reason to go, and a lot of the times she came down, she made it more business like, she needed to get something from the house or we had to talk about something we have to deal with bills or whatever I asked her why she did this and she said it was hard on her being there. But, eventually she started coming over and was being more open to talk about things, and she even would tell me stuff going on in her life. A few times I did bring up the guy she worked with and she said she hasn't really talked to him outside of work and went out with him and his kid one day and that she doesn't really think she feels for him. She told me she spent most of her time sleeping and working, and that she was feeling sick. She seemed to be real honest with me. But, we went from talking on the phone, to text, to only talking on Facebook, she got a new phone, didn't give me the number said it was a friends phone that she was using. So for almost a month and half now I been dealing with this, sometimes things would look like we were connecting and then they would be right back to wtf...Her birthday was coming up and I asked her to see if she could get off work for us to do something together, because we always did every year. so she did and got it off, and when it came closer to her birthday she made excuses to why she wanted to come down the day before, which was a day she worked, which made me think something else is going on, but I agreed because she said she worked 6 days straight and wanted to just sleep her day off, whatever its her day. So she came down, I made her dinner, and bdaycake, gave her gifts, and we talked and I asked her about something an she brought up that guy again, so I asked her if she was with him and she said no, we had a okay time since she could only stay a few hours because of work. Now its been a few days and I talk to her off and on Facebook and I noticed that she acts weird when I ask her certain things, things that we could talk about face to face with no problem, mainly about us. I started feeling suspicious on if I was being played with, so I asked her about the guy on Facebook as a joke to get her attention she responded with lol and then I just kind like oh yeah you with him? and she avoided the the whole thing and was talking to me about other things, and I brought it up two more times, but she avoided it. I think he looks at her facebook msgs and reads them, and I think she worries what I say that will piss him off at her and she is playing me when I see her about not being with him but I believe I'm being toyed with and manipulated by her. I noticed a lot that when I do send her a msg on there she will respond but sometimes I send a message and someone keeps reading them but not responding, she told me when I asked her about it that she was asleep when I sent those and didnt know why they were put as viewed. Now I've been noticing that ill talk to her before she starts work, and a few hours later theirs someone on her account reading the unread messages and then remarking them unread.

 

She is suppose to come down today and drop off some stuff and I'm wondering how I should confront this.. She put me in the friendzone but then makes me believe we can possibly work through it and I'm pretty sure she is with this guy.

 

Sometimes I just want to tell her to just go, and cutoff everything, but we are connected almost like a marriage in some aspects, house and car, insurance is all in both our names. She already took most of her valuables with her. We have pets and a lot of stuff. I mean I love her so much, we have a lot of good memories and have been through the worst and best times together and I have been all messed up this whole Month and half. I'm pretty much alone, I moved away from my friends when we got this house, I work inside the home and dont have any friends around, and I cant go anywhere. I really dont have any family to talk to but my brother and he is busy, I've been in this house trying to keep busy and been working out, but, its been miserable, somedays I cant get out of bed or eat, and I have thought about closing up shop more then once.

[standtall]

Dude, your post was a headache to read. That is why nobody has responded. Some paragraphs and a 10K word limit will help in the future

 

Also, I don't want to sound callous..but.

 

1. There is a lot of fluff in your story that you find relevant, but it really isn't.

2. She has been fishing and putting out feelers for other people for virtually your entire relationship, and you have tolerated it.

3.She has been cheating on you with at least one or more other guys and you have tolerated it.

4. You are in the friend zone permanently. Women do not love nor are they attracted to men they do not respect. You have tolerated her BS, so she does not respect you.

5. Move on and find another.

 

That's it. You will find life easier in 2 yrs if you just move on.

[Poutrew]

First, you need to stop communicating with her as though she was a girlfriend. She isn't - she is just a business associate. And, the business is gone bankrupt. Only communicate with her to the extent that you can separate yourself from her. Sell the house, divide the proceeds. Have her pay you off for your share of the car, and get your name off her insurance. Once the economic separation has occurred, then go total No Contact with her. Officially, you are not part of her life, so why should you care what she does? The poster above me has it right. A couple years from now, you will see this situation in a new light, and be ready to find love once again with a woman who cares and has a soul. Good luck.

[lolablue17]

You just need to let go.

 

Cancel everything, tell her to give you half the money for the car, or sell it, and go NC. Every minute you're busy or think about her, is a waste of time.

[heartbrokenoff]

Bro,

 

 

It's over...you gotta move on and quickly settle whatever things u have with her..the sooner you settle the quicker you will move on..she is no longer the gal that loved you.

[oldshirt]

The advice the other posters have all stated is spot-on so I won't rehash any of that stuff as they have all said it well. Do what they have all said.

 

 

I do want to address the abortion aspect a little bit. Now abortion is always a touchy and controversial subject and it will always flare up the emotions and often spur some political and moral debate.

 

Politically I am very pro choice so I don't want this to be seen as a political or moral position but I am just going to come out and put it all on the table on what my opinion is as how abortion relates to relationships.

 

Mother Nature has instilled in women a deep, instinctual drive to seek out the strongest mate that will protect and support her and provide the strongest genetic material to father the strongest offspring and who will stick around and support and protect those offspring and provide strength and leadership for the family.

 

Mother Nature only cares about people procreating and raising the offspring until they are old enough to reproduce themselves and so on and so on. Mother Nature cares that parents protect their offspring from predators and are able to provide for them enough to survive the next drought or the next plague or the next famine.

 

Mother Nature does not care a hootenanny about someone's educational degree or career field or their bank account or their 401k or what part of town they live or equity value of their house. Those are all human interests and not the concern of Mother Nature or of people's deep instinctual drives or instincts.

 

When a man encourages, supports or even agrees to his partner terminating a pregnancy, on a deep, instinctual, subconscious level, she will automatically cross him off the list of potential mates, even if she herself consciously believes that termination is in her best financial and educational and lifestyle interests.

 

Now I am not saying that people should never terminate pregnancies and I am not saying that people should sacrifice their futures and put themselves into guaranteed poverty or that they should be forced to bear and keep unwanted children etc etc. But what I am saying is that on a deep, subconscious level, women will invariably lose respect and honor for men that impregnate them and then encourage/support or agree to terminate that pregnancy, even if it is the woman's decision and wish to do so.

 

Now in your case, when she was 19 she may have been terrified at the thought of parenthood and she may have been all for the abortion and there may not have been a thing in the world that you could have done to stop it (fathers are rarely if ever able to legally prevent their partners from terminating if their partners chose to do so)

 

But, now that she is an adult woman and is likely looking at having a family of her own, on a deep, instinctual and subconscious level, you are off the list of potential father of her future offspring because you did not protect her previous one. She lost respect and confidence in you as a potential mate and father of her offspring.

 

Additionally women can not desire men sexually that they do not respect or have confidence in. She has probably likely been looking for other potential mates or even actually cheating for quite some time.

 

I am sorry. You are done here. Turn out the lights on your way out.

 

I am not pointing fingers at you or standing in judgement of you. That decision may have been the best decision you have ever made and it may been the best or maybe even only option for you at that time. But all options, decisions and actions come with their own set of costs and benefits. This was the cost. In the long run, it may have been well worth the cost.

 

I say all of this not to point fingers or to judge or to say what people should or should not do in that situation. But rather to point out the impact that that will have on a woman's psyche and their relationship.

[Cayemmo]

Thank you for taking the time to write this. I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother. It must have been terrible to experience all that you did during that time. I lost my father from a blood clot in his lungs… and I never even got to say goodbye… So I know just how difficult that time must have been for you…

 

In regard to your former girlfriend. I'd encourage you to just allow time to heal the wounds that she or anyone else has created. 10 years is a really long time to struggle in such a difficult relationship. But I believe God wants the best for both of you. Yes, it seems you both haven't made the best decisions in your time together, but I would encourage you to let your story be a stepping stone. I bet you've learned more about yourself - your boundaries, your fears, what you feel.

 

But to be honest, the only thing that got me through really tough times was my relationship with Jesus. I don't know if you're a believer in Jesus, but seriously, God helped me in ways I can't even express with words. My father was my best friend and losing him was the toughest thing I could have ever experienced. But God gave me so much peace…and strength I never would've had if I hadn't asked Him for help. I could have looked to other men to ease the pain but when I looked to God, He showed me that He cared for me more than anyone else ever could. And God cares for you too. God loves so much. Do you know that?

 

I would encourage you to consider going to Christian counseling to find some way to manage all that you've experienced. Unresolved hurt from so much loss and emotional stress can slowly wreak havoc on your sense of well-being (including your physical and mental health). I'd hate to see such a caring and sensitive guy like yourself go down such a destructive path.

 

Also, I actually don't blame you for wanting to try so hard to work things out with your girlfriend. Do you know that being sexually intimate with someone almost instantly connects you both on many emotional and phycological levels. That's the beautiful, yet dangerous, thing about sexual intimacy. Once sexual intimacy is established in a relationship, invisible bonds - bonds of the heart, mind, spirit, and soul - are being forged together that were never meant to bond dating couples. Then, once that bond is broken there indefinitely is going to be damage which is what you're experiencing now -- tearing of the heart… In your ex's case, because maybe she's been more sexually intimate with one too many people, her sexuality won't be as sticky as it once was. Eventually, the capacity for sexual intimacy is completely destroyed. But guess what?? There's still hope… in light of your situation, there's hope and healing made available for anyone who asks. But it starts with just saying the name "Jesus".

 

You can pray this prayer... when you're ready. "Jesus, come into my heart. Cleanse my heart of all the pain I've experienced. Make a home in my heart and mend the broken pieces of my soul. Give me a new heart, a new mind, a new spirit and a new soul. I need you. Thank you for loving me. Even with all the loneliness I feel right now. I invite you into my life. In Jesus Name, Amen."

 

Watch how different you'll feel when you pray this prayer and mean it..seriously.

 

One thing that will not help the healing process is to become bitter towards your ex-girlfriend. Bitterness only burdens one person. A big step toward healing is to show love toward your ex-girlfriend. Not the kind where you're buying her flowers or calling her to try to talk things over.. no, no friend. Instead, let your heart simply say farewell. Let your goodbye be a manly act of forgiveness, of honestly hoping and praying for the best in her future. It’s not easy, I know. After my breakup before I was married, I sat and wrote a long prayer, thanking God for the opportunity to know the guy I had dated for what felt like forever, but I just asked God to protect him and guide his decisions in the future. In many ways, I felt like I was forcing the prayer. And it certainly didn’t erase the pain. But it did help me process the breakup, recognizing the pain had a place and that it wouldn’t last forever.

 

I won't be easy to break all ties with this girl but I will be the most freeing thing you can do to begin to pick up the pieces of your life. So if you've prayed the prayer above, and invited God into your heart, you won't go through it alone.

 

I'll be praying for you, friend. The pain will ebb n flow, but I hope this post was helpful.

 

God bless.