Did I do right?

[Magicmountain]

Nearly two months ago I was contacted by a younger female friend, Jen, mid-20's who told me of troubled developments with her female SO, Anna, of two years.

 

In a nutshell, Anna had become distant and suspicious in behavior. Granted the two were in a LDR, but saw each other every weekend, living just hours apart. Accusatory, weepy, hysterical---having gone through a painful blindsiding myself, all these were indicators that something was afoot. I counseled Jen, since she was in such great distress and not getting answers, to go NC and consider the relationship over.

 

Jen seemed ready to heed my advice.

 

Two weeks later, Jen reaches out again, further distressed and further enmeshed in the miasma of Anna. More fits, more avoidance, more projection, more veiled admissions. My advice was the same. Jen's reaction was the same.

 

Repeat. Two weeks later more of the same.

 

Last night I was cat-sitting at another friend's place and as my eyes scanned the living room, one window that offers street level view of a heavily trafficked avenue just happened to catch the profile of a guy who was briefly romantic with Anna before she took up with Jen, walking with a woman who looked like Anna. I darted to the window and saw them walking in the direction of his place. He happened to live around the corner. In Jen and Anna's unraveling, Anna let slip that she'd had dinner with this guy. My reaction at the time was this, "So, she can't see you, refuses to see you, but can go have dinner with an old flame?!" There was hints of an additional guy in the picture, as well.

 

Anyway, I debated last night whether I should tell Jen about this sighting. I ended up calling her and decided to see where she was at emotionally. At first, she sounded good. We hadn't talked in a few weeks, so I wasn't sure where things stood with them. But as I probed further, it became clear to me that Jen was not following my advice. She was following the advice of an older professor friend, who had had similar difficulties with her long term partner but had stayed the course. Not only that, just a few days before Anna in a phone conversation had threatened suicide. Since then, both Jen and Anna had come to a calmer place. Jen was going to give Anna space. Jen would keep the candle lit and wait for Anna to come back to her.

 

I told Jen she was kidding herself. I said Anna had been emotionally dishonest. That really struck a chord with Jen. She couldn't see how that was so. Yes, she was aware that Anna had probably slept with someone. But now that Jen had slept with someone else, and Anna was suspicious of that, Jen had leveled the playing field. All this was for the good of the relationship.

 

I couldn't get a clear sense if Jen understood the relationship to be over or not. "I don't know" she kept saying.

 

Frustrated, I told her of my sighting. I could hear the constriction in Jen's voice. She said I wasn't sure that it was Anna. I said I was 70% sure and besides Anna herself had admitted to having dinner with the guy, weeks back.

 

"I don't care if she's f---ing X."

 

We wrestled back and forth over the phone for a while. She said I'd made her anxious and upset her. I agreed and told her that I was sorry. She was angry at me. We said goodnight.

 

LS, I know it's always best to stay out of other people's business. Jen was an unexpected help to me during my break up. That break up was the beginning of our friendship. So much of the stuff I'm hearing about Anna reminds me of the double-dealing of my ex, so I take it very personal. I view Anna as a narcissistic coward, who rather than accept that she's hurt the closest person to her, selfishly keeps Jen at bay by saying stuff like "I still love you" while she goes to parties and spends time in the company of other romantic interests. If I didn't see my friend deluding herself into thinking there was going to be a happy ending to this, I wouldn't have butted in.

 

Did I do right?

 

What would you have done?

[preraph]

Being an advice giver, she may feel she doesn't need other advice, but she may appreciate the attempt to help and the additional perspective. If not, she probably would be avoiding it.

 

But think about yourself and ask yourself when is the last time you actually just followed the advice of someone else that you weren't emotionally on board with at least rather than following your own head and heart? She is desperate to keep her, so she is going to not close any doors just yet. She is going to listen to what you say, but then she is going to test it and in the end, will only close the door when she herself has decided she's run out of options.

 

But yes, I think it's fine you told her about seeing her with the guy. She shouldn't jump to any conclusions about what they were doing together though.

Your friend is listening to the words of Anna instead of paying attention to her actions. And you're right, Anna probably is keeping her on the string for her own emotional reasons and in case she wants her later, because if she's messed up enough to be threatening suicide and making drama while going on with her life like nothing happened, she's a bit manipulative and, of course, emotionally unstable. You can't trust her to make the right decisions. But Jen will have to figure that out one day.

[major_merrick]

I second the vote that you did the right thing. When you have a friend or someone who relies on your advice/opinion, you might as well tell the full truth to the best of your ability. Concealing information can burn you when the other party outs with the phrase "Well I thought you knew, after all, your friend saw me there!"