our first hard time, just my 2nd relationship

[jaio94]

I'm a 22 years girl and i really need advice about this from someone with maybe more experience than me. I have been dating my new boyfriend for 8 months now, it is a LDR but i have spent with him like half of the dating time thanks that we both were not working and de flight tickets spain-london are cheap enough. He lives with his mom and younger brother even if he doesn't spend time with them they are fine together, we met online and since the fisrt time i had the feeling you know, he was special and he loved talking to me, always asking me stuff and sharing things, and we are alike in almost any little thing, it was a bit complicated at first because i was ending my first relationship, an almost 6 ears long one with an abussive guy who made me lost all my friends and feel like i didnt deserve better than him, i was trying to ed it because i couldnt feel love anymore but he was crying over the phone and asking me for a second chance and well in the end when i decided to date my boyfriend he went furious ans stalked me, he got into my facebook to read what i was texting with my boyfriend and texted hi saying i was cheating on him and awful things about me, my boyfriend believed me and not him and that was our only problem back at the start, then everything wa fine, we were at his house, he was loving and caring and even with sex, he knew i was really afraid because my ex used to love hurting me with it so in ll my life sex was only mixed with pain but he even fixed that, i feel more confident now and im learning to be honest again since i know i can tell him my feelings and he won't get angry at me, i just love him so much.

 

But, the problem right now is that im getting more and more depressed and sad every day, he just got a job, a job that leaves him exactly 2-3 hours of free time every day, he also works saturdays, im still in spain a lot, and i know we had a deal that the moment he had a stable job i coul move with him becase his mom really likes me so she is alright if the money is not a problem, so yeah now he has the job, the pay is pretty crap and i can't even spend time with him, i don't know if i'm being too selfish but he doesn't seem so care that much, he is just happy with the time we have together but it went from all day to almost nothing, he said now i can get myself a job there while improving my english and i could metnew people there and make friends again but that's not my point, we are just 22 and i feel like this job is just too much right now, i know it will be good for our future and i understand he needs need to feel like he can take care of me since my situation with my family is not good, he wants to take me out of here and give me everything but i just want to spend time with him, i mean, we haven't been dating for that long, so even if im trying to be good for him, i just can't, any time we speak at night when he gets home i just cry, and during the day im just holding it for the sake of my lil sisters,maybe is not that big deal but right know i feel like its killing me, i don't eat or drink properly and i can't sleep more than a few hours, he can't even tet me in his free time at work because of his poor data and he doesn't seem to want to change that, i want to support him but i feel like he is only getting sad because of me and feeling so guilty, i don't want to break uo with him at all, we both love the same things, even important things, he would love to start a family with me one day, he is responsible with money, we both love pets and he wants to take my cats with us when we get our own place... i just feel like he is the right one but i don't know how to handle all of this...i'm going to see him on the 21st but my flight arrives really late and he still wants to pick me up so he will have a hard time next day at work, i was thinking i could change my flight to an earlier date because i think we both need to see each other to fix all of this and i could surprise him, i mean i won't tell him about the flight and just wait for him at his house, i told my best friend about doing that but she feels like it's a bad idea, do you people think it won't help us? i just want to make him happy but i don't know if thats not the proper way right now. I need some advice about this.

 

And i want to say sorry if i made some mistakes but im spanish and even if im improving my english as fast as i can im still not perfect at it.

[ExpatInItaly]

Your English is quite good, OP! I'm an English as a Second Language teacher, and I am impressed with your abilities.

 

I'll begin by agreeing with your friend. Don't surprise him with an earlier flight. I would see that as rather intrusive and you don't know how that will affect his work schedule. Stick to your agreement of the 21st.

 

Also, you sound very emotionally dependent on him, which isn't healthy. As I understand it, he still regularly talks to you. He has made plans to see you. As he now works, he won't be able to stay in contact all day. It's not realistic to expect the same level of communication and while you feel this job is too much, I'm not sure what you expect him to do - he's entering adulthood where full-time work is the norm. He's right; this is about creating a healthy plan for the future. Do you work? Study? You are seeking to "fix all this" - fix what, exactly? He's going about his life the way most young adults would.

 

I think it's very concerning that you're so upset that you cannot eat or sleep. That says more about your emotional well-being than it does about his commitment to you. You say all you do is cry when he talks to you; be very careful here. If someone cried every time I spoke to them, I would grow tired of it quickly. You are sooner or later going to push him away because he'll see he can't make you happy. I imagine this is already happening, because you say he doesn't text you much during the day. Why would he, if he knows he'll get a sad or upset message in return?

 

The good news is you can start to reverse the negative direction this is going in. What you need to be doing is examining what is exactly is causing you so much distress. I sense that you are very insecure and are terrified this relationship won't work. You are relying on him to fix your life, it seems. That's not his responsibility; it's yours. He cannot be your sole rescuer, so to speak. You have a lot more power than you think. At 21, you should start creating a path for yourself. If you want to eventually move to be with him, what steps are you taking toward that? Also, have you had treatment of any kind to deal with the past abuse? I'm very sorry that happened to you; I have been there too. I think a lot of your current despair is probably related to that, but being projected (unintentionally) on to your current boyfriend.

Edited July 1, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[jaio94]

Thank you for the advice, i was thinking seeing him earlier could help because when we talk he says a lot he wish we could see each other sooner, so i thought it could be a nice surprise since i know his work schedule, i know he doesn't go out drinking or to pubs because we both don't like it so i won't be ruining any plans he might have, my friend says maybe i sound desperate bt i think it could do more good than bad at this point, im still thinking about it though.

 

I know i am dependant on him, i didnt say anything but i guess it is important that i make clear i frow up with a drunk mom and a dad always working until night, she use to let me alone all day when i was a kid so i was "mature" at a young age for my won sake, knowing i should lie to teacher if she was late and stuff like that to not cause trouble, then for the sake of my sisters i just took a mummy role with them even if i was a teen, i got into this abusive relationship like a fool when i was 15, i didnt know what i was doing and i ended up with someone horrible, now my boyfriend takes care of me a lot and he understand me better than anyone so yeah, im growing a bit dependant on him because i never had something like this, i know i need to control it though, i know why it is happening, and i know what he is doing it's just right, he wants to be with me forever, i know that, that's the reason he is trying really hard, he didn't have the strength to get a job before knowing me, he told me he didn't have a reason, but now he wants to improve a lot for my sake, i just don't know how to control this feelings so i can help him with his job and the new situation.

 

As for myself, im not studying or working right now, i was some years at uni but thanks to my ex not letting me go out i couldn't find the will inside me to finish it, maybe i'm old fashioned but i would love to have a family, work for them, i know i need to work for that though, so my boyfriend told methat when he started working i could move there, start finding for a job to feel confident with myself again for now, maybe talking with new people, he is really thinking about the best for me.

yeah i want to make this work so badly, maybe i'm really afraid but i dont know about what, he loves me, he told me about the girls he was interested before (he never met them because they were from other countries), i know about his family issues, his dad died a year ago, his 18 year old sister was a mom with 16, i feel we really trust each other but i need to change my way of seeing this new situation , i feel like im destroying him with my behavior

[ExpatInItaly]

I really do think you need to find a job or return to your studies. It would be great for your future and also give you something meaningful to do. At the moment, your life sounds imbalanced so you have all this time on your hands to think about your boyfriend and ruminate. This isn't good - for you, for him, or for the relationship.

 

Your circumstances were difficult, but the great thing is that you are old enough now to start taking your power back. It is very important for your own well-being to start planning ways to move yourself forward without depending on others to do so for you. Also, as you said you would need to improve your English to be with him - can I assume he's in the UK somewhere? If so, keep in mind that your ability to move there as a non-citizen could soon be much more difficult with Brexit regulations. Unfortunately, you won't have the same freedom of movement there anymore, even as a Spanish citizen. You would absolutely need to be able to prove you can work or have important skills to gain residency. I have settled in the EU as a non-citizen and I can tell you that your educational or work background is closely examined before gaining the right to live and work in a foreign country. So, you would be doing yourself a huge favour by starting on this path now.

[jaio94]

Yeah he lives 30 mins away from london but he is irish, he has been at london since he was a kid though, i know about brexit since it's something i need to be worried about, for now i could be able to go there easily before they actually go out if that happens in the end and since i don't care about the kind of job i can get right now it shouldn't be that hard to find something before brexit it's a real thing, that's the reason he wants me to move thre as soon as i can i dont want to find a job here because he couldn't move here, he doesn't know spanish, i think for now since spain and london are still both part of EU i should be able to move, and i want to take my life back yeah, he knows i want too, i don't feel like just waiting home all day for him, so i would be searching for work and trying to change myself too, i guess yeah right now i have all the time in the world to just worry and miss him, but i don't know how long it will take until i can really move there with him, it's like my life depends on just waiting and waiting right now

[ExpatInItaly]

Yeah he lives 30 mins away from london but he is irish, he has been at london since he was a kid though, i know about brexit since it's something i need to be worried about, for now i could be able to go there easily before they actually go out if that happens in the end and since i don't care about the kind of job i can get right now it shouldn't be that hard to find something before brexit it's a real thing, that's the reason he wants me to move thre as soon as i can i dont want to find a job here because he couldn't move here, he doesn't know spanish, i think for now since spain and london are still both part of EU i should be able to move, and i want to take my life back yeah, he knows i want too, i don't feel like just waiting home all day for him, so i would be searching for work and trying to change myself too, i guess yeah right now i have all the time in the world to just worry and miss him, but i don't know how long it will take until i can really move there with him, it's like my life depends on just waiting and waiting right now

 

It doesn't need to be that way.

 

You can get even a part-time or temporary job where you live now, to at least build up your CV in the event of a move. A lot of employers in the UK are going to wonder why you haven't worked or gone to school for a while and might pass over you in favour of a candidate who has more work or educational experience. See it as a step toward your future, not a permanent job. Otherwise, I think you will find it quite challenging to find a job if you relocate.

 

Waiting around isn't helping anything. Be proactive.

[TunaCat]

it's like my life depends on just waiting and waiting right now

 

I really think this is the main issue. Stop waiting around. Since you are unemployed and not going to school, this gives you plenty of time to obsess over everything the boyfriend is doing to try and secure a future. If you were busy with your own job or studies, you wouldn't be thinking about this so much. In fact, you'd be focusing on your future as well so it doesn't all pin on him.

 

What if things don't work out with him? You'll need to once again stand on your own two feet. Kinda hard to do that when you don't have a job and aren't in school to better yourself.

 

Be proactive.

[jaio94]

Well it's not that easy to find a job where i live right now, and i know in lots of places around London they will train you or you don't need lots of experience to get a job, yeah, it will be harder for me but i hope not impossible.

 

Well i prefer thinking about things working out with him, we both don't are happy in a serious long term relationship, and we both don't like other kind of ones, he wants to support me so i want to rely on him, not completly but enough to be able to work on myself when im there with him, can we break up? yeah it can happen, but it doesn't mean i need to think about it like it will happen at some point, like i said we share interests and hobbies, i really like his family and we both want a similar future, i don't know, i feel like relying in him it's not a bad thing, but i guess i need to learn to control my feelings, today i was happy during our two hours talk, he sounded happy too, i didnt cry and he wouldn't stop saying he can't wait to have me with him again, it was my first good day with him since he started working

[ExpatInItaly]

Well it's not that easy to find a job where i live right now, and i know in lots of places around London they will train you or you don't need lots of experience to get a job, yeah, it will be harder for me but i hope not impossible.

 

Well i prefer thinking about things working out with him, we both don't are happy in a serious long term relationship, and we both don't like other kind of ones, he wants to support me so i want to rely on him, not completly but enough to be able to work on myself when im there with him, can we break up? yeah it can happen, but it doesn't mean i need to think about it like it will happen at some point, like i said we share interests and hobbies, i really like his family and we both want a similar future, i don't know, i feel like relying in him it's not a bad thing, but i guess i need to learn to control my feelings, today i was happy during our two hours talk, he sounded happy too, i didnt cry and he wouldn't stop saying he can't wait to have me with him again, it was my first good day with him since he started working

 

You're already having difficulty with this and don't even live with him yet. You really need to start learning to be more self-sufficient, which will crate the foundation for a much healthier and happier relationship.

 

Do you have any work experience at all? You didn't mention if you'd previously held a job. If not, employers anywhere are going to question why that is the case, at the age of 22. I get that jobs are not always easy to come by but don't allow that to stop you from trying. You're going to have a lot more competition in the London area and you need to start making yourself more employable now to improve your chances. Being a foreigner with no education or work skills will make it that much more challenging, and will limit your job prospects a lot.

 

One thing that jumped out at me is when you said you both aren't happy in serious, long-term relationships. What type of relationship do you hope to have in the future? Are you hoping to live with him, or..?

[jaio94]

No i don´t have real work experience but i would start in any job, and i just want to try going to interviews for now and she how can i handle it, i never had something i wanted to be or study, i was doing great at school and i did at first at university but i realised i don't have a job i would dream of having, i just want any job i can get so i feel like i can do something on my own without others doing it for me, and i know it will be hard finding a job, even if i don't care about what i need to do.

 

we are not happy because we want to live together, if im honest, i would love to have a family with my boyfriend, maybe it sounds crazy after just 8 months together but i feel we are not just lovers but best friends too, right now it is a long distance relationship but from the start we had our goals clear, after a month texting and talking over skype i spent two weeks with him and during this 8 months i have been at his place for like 3 moths during 5 different visits, so i know him a lot i think, i met his family and a few friends and because we live together the time im there i know his habits so if he doesn't change i think we should work out fine

[DevotedBaker54]

Your English is pretty good! That's great you are working hard on learning English. Posting on these forums must help you learn as well!

 

The earlier flight may not be a good idea. If a friend showed up on my doorstep, I would be excited that that person was there, but then I would have to change all my plans and figure out where that person is going to sleep and now I have a guest to entertain.

Maybe keep your regular flight and give him a chance to prepare his home for you to stay. He probably wants to plan activities for you two to do together and if you come early, his plans won't work out.

 

I'm sure he would love to see you, but coming early would just be too rushed.

 

Have you tried making friends like he suggested? Maybe if you had someone else to devote your time to, he wouldn't be your only source of happiness. People always say you should be happy with yourself on your own, and the person you're dating is just a bonus

It's not fair to him if he is responsible for making you happy all the time.

 

I'm excited you get to see him soon! You'll have to let us know how your trip goes

 

Much love from the USA