Online dating vs. any other means

July 1, 2016

Do you folks find, generally speaking, that OLD (online dating) girls are much harder to enter a relationship with than for example, a girl a friend tries to set you up with? Or a family friend? Or even someone you ask out in real life.

Just based on my experiences, I have to say yes, OLD girls are much harder to enter a relationship with. Now, I understand there are tons of variables, and maybe a lot of it just comes down to two people not clicking, but I have some theories on why OLD girls haven't quite worked out for me at least.

Numbers = OLD girls

Number and letter = Non-OLD girls by comparison

1. These girls are getting messaged 20-50 times a day

1a. Might get hit on or asked out, but definitely nowhere near as much as OLD girls

2. These girls are looking and have hundreds of guys to pick from. Therefore, average looking Joes (like me) are often left holding the bag, because there's always someone more attractive and stylish

2a. Non OLD girls may not be actively looking for love, and often times when they make a connection with an average looking Joe, they're not necessarily bombarded by the "window shopping" aspect of being able to find a much better looking guy at the drop of a hat

3. OLD girls still have a stigma with OLD and unless a date wows you out of the water, they're likely to move on

3a. More forgiving and willing to give you a shot. In the case of a mutual friend's referral, or a family friend, you have more good will and you're not as "disposable." Thus you get more of a chance to develop something with her

I don't know, just kicking this topic around for discussion. Feel free to take it down whatever avenue you see fit.

I've tried OLD for over 2 years now, and while I got my fair share of dates, it's been hard to take it beyond date #2. In contrast, I'm currently talking with a family friend (I guess you can say we're actually dating) and she seems much more open to giving me a shot... and I'm pretty sure if we met through online it might not be the case. Still don't know how it's going to work out between me and her, but I thought of this topic earlier tonight. Her parents seem to love me and her parents are friends with my parents. I don't think she has an OLD profile (though I could be wrong). I think whereas with my OLD dates those girls have dozens of guys vying for her attention, with this family friend she probably doesn't on account of no OLD profile.

I don't know, I feel like I have a chance with this one. Whereas with OLD girls it's kind of become this sense of "well, hope for a strong enough connection on the coffee date but wouldn't shock me in the least if it's one and done."

Hopefully my words are somewhat coherent and make sense, even if you may disagree with (parts of) it.

July 1, 2016

To be honest I don't think it has much to do with being OLD or not. I think it's got a lot more to do with....

You find someone when the time is right, not before and no later than that.

It's a philosophy I've always lived by. I personally think people on OLD or anywhere 'trying' to find someone are just wasting their time. Hardly anyone I know has ever tried OLD (it's not big in this country) and yet they have exactly the same experience as you meeting people by other means. Can't find or progress with anyone for years, series of failed very temporary experiences no matter what they do. Finally give up on it and then through a series of coincidences end up with their longterm partner.

I know it's not popular to think there are forces out there in the universe bigger than us, we all like to pretend we are 'in control' of our destiny. But having lived on the planet for several decades now I feel I'm qualified to say. We don't control much at all. Things happen as they happen, we just cope with them and make justifications as to why they happened.

Nice little theory though and if it helps you mentally process your experience. Why not? It's as good as anyone else's theories on the subject.

July 1, 2016

You find someone when the time is right, not before and no later than that.

This ^

So true, and I say that because everyone I talk to tells me the same advice. They had no wish to date or find someone... they just stopped caring and went on with their life.

Some point when they least expected it... they met someone.

I remember a older guy giving me some advice. He said he tried soooo hard to stay single. But in the end even he finally met someone and had to give in because it felt like it was meant to be.

So, I say do things YOU want in and for your own life. Enjoy life the way it is and things will happen when they happen.

July 1, 2016

Yes I agree for the most part. I'm not what one would call a popular person in real life but I still every now and then have some girl flirting with me or getting interested, even happens they are very good looking. Online I've gotten one single date in 2 years time. Granted I haven't been very active but still gotten completely ignored by most I've contacted including average looking girls.

OLD is pretty much a waste of time if you ask me. The only thing I'm open to online these days would be encountering someone very special by chance but I'm not actively looking for that.

July 1, 2016

I think that OLD is one of the most forced, fake, chemistry-less and contrived ways to start a relationship

It's sad the world is going increasingly in that direction.

July 1, 2016

I think that OLD is one of the most forced, fake, chemistry-less and contrived ways to start a relationship

It's sad the world is going increasingly in that direction.

Eternal...for some reason, I'm seeing an increase in DEMANDING SOUNDING profiles...kind of a "it's my way or the highway if you date me" vibe...almost unloving.

July 1, 2016

Sadly, I think some people PREFER the online route over the face-to-face. I hear a lot of women on here (LS) say they don't want to be bothered being approached in public the way our parents/grand parents did.

Because they are too "busy" running errands. It's this whole, "I can't be bothered" thing that seems a bit elitist or something (not sure if that's the right word).

I used to approach women waiting in line somewhere, like a coffee shop or grocery store line, but they'd always get short with me.

Now, I think a lot women prefer the online dating route so they can CONTROL the men who contact them. None of this being bothered out in public being approached by a guy they would likely not be interested in.

Ever hear of a woman would declare an entire CITY of un-datable men, esp when online dating didn't exist or even currently?

"I can't seem to find a man I'd be interested in dating in THIS city. What's a girl to do!"

Go online dating of course, to attempt to feed the beast that can't be fed. LOL

I knew of some female friends of a single female friend trying to get her out of the house to do some social activity. She wouldn't budge.

Meetup has been going that direction to, when people look at the RSVP list and people see that there are not hot women or cute guys, they wont' go at all. That probably explains the 100s of members of the site, but people actually hardly ever go.

They are viewing the world from their homes and not getting out there an experiencing it?

Why organically come face to face with someone that may be average looking, but WOW you with their personality at a BBQ? But with the filter of the internet, women can sit at home and go that route.

Swiping left/swiping right...never ending beast that cannot be fed.

July 1, 2016

Dating casually and having a relationship are very different things, especially if you aren't the type who is desperate to be in a relationship simply because.

Regardless of how or where you meet someone, the chances of it becoming a relationship are similar I'd say. Most people you go out with will not end up being your bf or gf. If friends introduce you to someone or you know them in some other capacity, you may have a leg up, simply because your friends may know your personality more so can choose someone you're more likely to get on with or if you know the person, there may already be known common ground. While online or just randomly meeting someone anywhere else, it's still a stranger essentially that you have decided to give a chance to based on superficial reasons and only actually getting to know them (dating) will tell if things can progress to a relationship.

I have dated way more than I've been in relationships, and to be honest, now that I think of it, 2 of my 3 serious relationships were with men I met via OLD. But I have had many more casual or FWB type scenarios than relationships from dating, no matter where I meet guys.

Edited July 1, 2016 by MissBee

July 1, 2016

This ^

So true, and I say that because everyone I talk to tells me the same advice. They had no wish to date or find someone... they just stopped caring and went on with their life.

Some point when they least expected it... they met someone.

I remember a older guy giving me some advice. He said he tried soooo hard to stay single. But in the end even he finally met someone and had to give in because it felt like it was meant to be.

So, I say do things YOU want in and for your own life. Enjoy life the way it is and things will happen when they happen.

I completely disagree. Telling men or women who struggle to meet someone to stop trying will only result in them not meeting someone. What do you think they've been doing most of their lives before they had to resort to OLD? Sure some people that are very social don't have to give much thought and additional effort to meet someone, but that probably doesn't describe the vast majority of people who struggle. A common theme for struggling men is that they usually don't have much of a social circle and are usually very introverted and awkward.

July 1, 2016

Remember, OLD is not magic. It's usefulness is in providing you with an explicit and convenient venue where most people logged on are looking for some kind of relationship. The genius of the marketing though by these companies is their claims to quality control or guaranteeing love. These claims are false, simply. When you think about it logically, OLD provides a pool of people, regardless of quality, interested in some kind of dating, sex or romance. It cannot account for if some of these people are lying, cheating, mentally unwell or capable of relationships and OLD cannot promise you a relationship or marriage. It can promise to provide you with options of people, then after that, what happens next is up to you, them and the Universe. After the initial meeting, OLD is just dating. That's the reality. After you first meet, it's just regular dating, which is meeting someone and seeing what happens and not being able to control them, who else they're seeing or whatever else is wrong and not being able to control whether you'll end up in something exclusive or serious. This is how all dating is, regardless of how/where you initially met.

I think keeping that is mind may help not to have unrealistic expectations or disappointment with how OLD works. It simply feels more exhausting because it's at your fingertips and you have a lot more time and opportunities to connect with folks and have it not work, so it feels like a lot. It's easy to burnout. I no longer do it for that reason. Whereas offline, you simply don't meet or have people coming to your door anytime of day or night chatting you up. However, the percentage of online or offline dates that turn to relationships, I wager, are very similar.

Edited July 1, 2016 by MissBee

July 1, 2016

I am hoping I have found the best of both worlds perhaps.

Matched with a girl on Tinder last week and as it turns out she is best friends to one of my good friend's wife. Of course word has already gotten around to my friends wife, and they are really excited that her and I could be dating...everyone is saying we would make a good match...I have yet to meet the girl, she left on vacation yesterday and wont be back until next week, but we are supposed to go out then.

Seems like a pretty good shot at something. I am optimistic about it at least.

July 1, 2016

I completely disagree. Telling men or women who struggle to meet someone to stop trying will only result in them not meeting someone. What do you think they've been doing most of their lives before they had to resort to OLD? Sure some people that are very social don't have to give much thought and additional effort to meet someone, but that probably doesn't describe the vast majority of people who struggle. A common theme for struggling men is that they usually don't have much of a social circle and are usually very introverted and awkward.

I disagree with this. I've met every single partner by minding my own business. My success rate from meeting someone to longterm relationship is 100%. I've never casually dated anyone. I'm an introvert, and not at all socially inclined person. Introversion does not mean lacking confidence or socially inept. Introversion means I prefer my own brain and company to other people's. I have no drive to be out there in amongst lots of people. Small social circles, yes.

Being social is not a prerequisite to being in a relationship. Going on a bunch of meaningless dates is also not a prerequisite to being in a relationship. There are many people in the world who do just meet someone they are meant to be with and go there. In fact, every single long term couple I know or have spoken to met in exactly this way.

But people like to think they can do something to make it happen. That's fine if it gives them some kind of comfort I suppose. My experience is nothing you do to make it happen, does a damn thing except use up your time.

July 1, 2016

I think that OLD is one of the most forced, fake, chemistry-less and contrived ways to start a relationship

It's sad the world is going increasingly in that direction.

I have only been doing it (match.com) for four days.... and I already think you are right.

Especially the forced and contrived part.

Getting a ton of messages (can't keep up), only a few were worth responding to, so started chatting with a couple of guys, but then lost interest.

It so goes against my spontaneous nature, which is to meet on the fly and get a feel for each other.... without the added pressure of knowing we are chatting to see if there is a connection.

Not sure if it's gonna work for me.....

July 1, 2016

And by the way, what the hell am I supposed to do when a guy winks at me?

Wink back, send a message, I'm at a loss.

No message or anything, just a wink.

I'm sorry it just seems so lame.... if you like my profile, which obviously you do otherwise you wouldn't have winked.... send me a message!

Something other than "hi, you're pretty," or "hey beautiful" or "whattup" would be nice.

July 1, 2016

I have only been doing it (match.com) for four days.... and I already think you are right.

Especially the forced and contrived part.

Getting a ton of messages (can't keep up), only a few were worth responding to, so started chatting with a couple of guys, but then lost interest.

It so goes against my spontaneous nature, which is to meet on the fly and get a feel for each other.... without the added pressure of knowing we are chatting to see if there is a connection.

Not sure if it's gonna work for me.....

I was on OLD for 6 years.

I met a conman, who fleeced women of thousands, fortunately I didn't get sucked in by him.

I was approached by a married guy from my work, who still to this day flirts with me.

I made several good friends.

I was offered sex multiple times every day.

I had a few nice dates.

Four years ago I met my fiance IRL (at a nudist club!), he lived 3kms from me and was on the same OLD site as me, but I'd never encounted him. Why? Because I was looking for someone over 5'8 and he is 5'7, so I never saw his profile.

Just goes to show how easily we get caught up in the hype searching for the "perfect partner".

July 2, 2016

I like online dating (even though I suck british tea bags at it and have yet to go on a single date)

The reason why I like it so much is because in real life, I don't meet a lot of women and you can meet a lot of women online, especially on Tinder. And even though I match with only 1 out of 30 girls which half of them are either bots or dudes in real life, I can still get about 5-10 girls i'm interested in. It also helps I live in a college town.

Not to mention I have a good teacher, my older pal who said he's going to help me out and get a date on there. He's there giving me advice on what to do and what to say and says stuff like, don't make it an interview by asking question all the times through texts.

And starting this Tuesday, he's going to help me cold approach women on the street. I'm going to be friggin scared, I will probably poop my pants. But the good news is that if I fail, he will be there by my side saying "esss ok brah, there are plenty of fish in da sea brah"

Edited July 2, 2016 by Dark Horse

July 2, 2016

While OLD has been a frustrating experience for me, I still like it because of the seemingly never-ending supply of women. As I've mentioned before, I'm statistically undesirable due to ethnicity. Thus, I need to approach a larger number of women to get responses. I also have my own relationship requirements, which eliminates a lot of women too.

With that being said, if I'm just looking for a lady for the evening, I'll head to the bars and clubs.

And by the way, what the hell am I supposed to do when a guy winks at me?

Wink back, send a message, I'm at a loss.

No message or anything, just a wink.

This is a common OLD strategy. It's also done with Favorites. A man winks/favorites a large number of women. Some of the women wink/favorite him back. He then messages those women who responded. It's a matter of efficiency. It's a lot easier to send 200 winks/favorites than to send 200 initial messages.

July 2, 2016

If you really like the guy, wink back, but I personally think most winks and 'hey beautiful's are just not worth responding. The guy is probably just bulk messaging women and/or not very smart. When I was doing OLD I counted only on men that send me 1+ coherent paragraph..

And by the way, what the hell am I supposed to do when a guy winks at me?

Wink back, send a message, I'm at a loss.

No message or anything, just a wink.

I'm sorry it just seems so lame.... if you like my profile, which obviously you do otherwise you wouldn't have winked.... send me a message!

Something other than "hi, you're pretty," or "hey beautiful" or "whattup" would be nice.

July 2, 2016

I PREFER the online route. Actually, not necessarily dating sites. But i connect MUCH better if I have the chance for a written communication with the guy. Writing style gives me significantly more information about the guy than forced face-to-face communication. Even for chemistry potential.

Before OLD, I used to get crushes over guys at work, roommates etc that I was emailing with prior to meeting.

Regarding cold approaches... It doesn't work for me. Too many uncontrolled variables / I can really be busy at the moment, mentally not there, in a RL../ Eventually it may work for extroverts.

Sadly, I think some people PREFER the online route over the face-to-face. I hear a lot of women on here (LS) say they don't want to be bothered being approached in public the way our parents/grand parents did.

Because they are too "busy" running errands. It's this whole, "I can't be bothered" thing that seems a bit elitist or something (not sure if that's the right word).

I used to approach women waiting in line somewhere, like a coffee shop or grocery store line, but they'd always get short with me.

Now, I think a lot women prefer the online dating route so they can CONTROL the men who contact them. None of this being bothered out in public being approached by a guy they would likely not be interested in.

Ever hear of a woman would declare an entire CITY of un-datable men, esp when online dating didn't exist or even currently?

"I can't seem to find a man I'd be interested in dating in THIS city. What's a girl to do!"

Go online dating of course, to attempt to feed the beast that can't be fed. LOL

I knew of some female friends of a single female friend trying to get her out of the house to do some social activity. She wouldn't budge.

Meetup has been going that direction to, when people look at the RSVP list and people see that there are not hot women or cute guys, they wont' go at all. That probably explains the 100s of members of the site, but people actually hardly ever go.

They are viewing the world from their homes and not getting out there an experiencing it?

Why organically come face to face with someone that may be average looking, but WOW you with their personality at a BBQ? But with the filter of the internet, women can sit at home and go that route.

Swiping left/swiping right...never ending beast that cannot be fed.

July 2, 2016

If you really like the guy, wink back, but I personally think most winks and 'hey beautiful's are just not worth responding. The guy is probably just bulk messaging women and/or not very smart. When I was doing OLD I counted only on men that send me 1+ coherent paragraph..

If I really like the guy? I don't know the guy! lol

How could I, we never communicated and I don't develop feelings for a man based on a wink, a photo and a profile, which could be BS anyway.

I do agree with you about the bulk messaging ... no thanks.

I did message a couple of men myself, but their responses were no better.

I messaged one guy, a very thoughtful message based off his profile..... and he responded with a wink!!! LOL.

Anyway, I am bored already, this is not the right venue for me to meet men..... I must have at least 200 messages that I have no interest in even reading let alone responding to. That's after trying to get through the first 100 I received the first day...

Oh and Shining thanks for your response...... that made me feel so much better.

How flattering to realize that I was simply one of god only knows how many women some guy tossed at the wall to see which one sticks......

I dunno, maybe I don't know how to play the game, but frankly not sure if I even want to.

I meet plenty of guys in real life so will stick with that!

July 2, 2016

The biggest difference is just getting to date #1. Once you get to date #1, then there's nothing different about it IMO.

With OLD, it's much more difficult to get to date #1 because of all the attention she's getting and timing of dates. You might message her on a Thursday, she has a first date already lined up with someone that Friday, therefore she likely won't get back to you until Saturday at the earliest. Then if she has a good time on date #1, who knows when you hear back.

With non-OLD, you're either being setup or physically met them somewhere. If you're being setup, she likely has been shown a photo of you and has approved, and you've already established "social proof", meaning she already believes you're not likely a weirdo cause you have a mutual friend.

July 3, 2016

IMO, I have just as good a chance to develop as relationship with a guy on OLD as I do a guy IRL.

Dont get me wrong though....sometimes I DESPISE OLD!

But the hard truth is I dont have many other options...I dont have a super active social life...all my friends are married with kids so I'm not out at clubs or whereever else....so that pretty much leaves OLD as my only avenue

I'm very pretty and in good shape...but I dont remember the last time a guy has approached me...even at the grocery store!

The thing that some people dont realize is...OLD takes soooo much time and soooo much patience. It doesnt happen over night

I'm kind of dreading getting back into it but I'm not going to let my past disappointments prevent me from finding someone....I'm determined now...not obessive but just hopeful

I swear though...if I just stop trying and try to let it just happen...it would neverrrrr happen....like I said...guys never approach me...I asked one of my male friends why that was the case...he said guy are probably intimidated by me...ok so OLD it is :/

How have any of you met someone IRL??? I'd like to expand my social circle but I dont know where to go where I'd actually get approached...where do I go??? How does that work???

July 3, 2016

And by the way, what the hell am I supposed to do when a guy winks at me?

Wink back, send a message, I'm at a loss.

No message or anything, just a wink.

I'm sorry it just seems so lame.... if you like my profile, which obviously you do otherwise you wouldn't have winked.... send me a message!

Something other than "hi, you're pretty," or "hey beautiful" or "whattup" would be nice.

Yup...these are the ways of OLD. I'm kind of used to it so sometimes it doesnt bother me as much as it would someone else

If a guy winks at you it means:

#1-He's interested in you but doesnt have the balls to message you

#2-Hes not that interested but wants to see if you are

With OLD, you have to play the game. What some people dont know is...these sites are actually based on algorithms. So the more messages you send and respond to...the more winks you send....the more favorites you chose....the higher your chances are of meeting someone. I'm really not making that up...you can google it

So ya...its game playing....but with OLD...you have to play the game to win

Edited July 3, 2016 by Disillusionment373

July 4, 2016

If I really like the guy? I don't know the guy! lol

How could I, we never communicated and I don't develop feelings for a man based on a wink, a photo and a profile, which could be BS anyway.

I do agree with you about the bulk messaging ... no thanks.

I did message a couple of men myself, but their responses were no better.

I messaged one guy, a very thoughtful message based off his profile..... and he responded with a wink!!! LOL.

Anyway, I am bored already, this is not the right venue for me to meet men..... I must have at least 200 messages that I have no interest in even reading let alone responding to. That's after trying to get through the first 100 I received the first day...

Oh and Shining thanks for your response...... that made me feel so much better.

How flattering to realize that I was simply one of god only knows how many women some guy tossed at the wall to see which one sticks......

I dunno, maybe I don't know how to play the game, but frankly not sure if I even want to.

I meet plenty of guys in real life so will stick with that!

And with that you have proved the point!

All the guys who sent you a well crafted heart felt message that took time while eliciting details from your profile text will have wasted their time because you have 200 messages you can't even be bothered to look at. Who is the guy who has captured your attention most? The one who winked and ran! The really sad part of all this is that because this is Match.com those guys with their genuine messages out of that batch of 200 are PAYING for the privilege of sending a message that you have no interest in reading or even responding to! If you feel offended by being reduced to a profile pic and username by someone who winks at you imagine how those guys feel paying money to be compeletely ignored. That guy has got OLD nailed if you ask me. As a man, any serious time investment just isn't worth it.

The purpose of this post is not to criticise you by the way, just point out the ridiculousness of OLD, especially for men and especially for those who pay for it.

July 4, 2016

I disagree with this. I've met every single partner by minding my own business. My success rate from meeting someone to longterm relationship is 100%. I've never casually dated anyone. I'm an introvert, and not at all socially inclined person. Introversion does not mean lacking confidence or socially inept. Introversion means I prefer my own brain and company to other people's. I have no drive to be out there in amongst lots of people. Small social circles, yes.

Being social is not a prerequisite to being in a relationship. Going on a bunch of meaningless dates is also not a prerequisite to being in a relationship. There are many people in the world who do just meet someone they are meant to be with and go there. In fact, every single long term couple I know or have spoken to met in exactly this way.

But people like to think they can do something to make it happen. That's fine if it gives them some kind of comfort I suppose. My experience is nothing you do to make it happen, does a damn thing except use up your time.

Your experience- that is the key aspect there. I speak as someone who has been single since time immemorial and let my social circle slip and got more insular because I was always told 'you will meet someone when you least expect it', did I meet someone when I left it all to fate? No, and I wasted prime years when I had the chance to be way more social than I am now where I find myself working in an industry with very few women and men who have all settled down with girls they met in university.

I am really not holding my breath for the girl of my dreams to cold approach me (the mere thought of that I find hilarious!) so I have to put myself in situations where I can meet women and that does (unfortunately as I have introvert tendencies) require a basic form of social life. Sadly even meeting new people becomes hard in your mid 30s as I am finding. I have tried OLD sites with heavy profile text and ones with paid subscriptions, but the overhead vs number of members and overall return was so poor that I now use a number of those novelty swipe style, low overhead mobile apps but the returns are barely any better. I have just spent most of a holiday making my friend laugh their head off at my constant request for them to take photos of me in exotic locations doing exciting things to make my profile stand out from the crowd as much as it possibly can do. Just the whole whoring for photos aspect feels incredibly emasculating, but quality photos are the currency of dating apps and so it is a necessary evil.

It is all a tiresome dance especially for an introvert and I really wish I didn't have to do it...but I would like to meet someone and I need to create opportunities for that to happen. In my experience I had the sum total of 0 dates when I spent 5 years with the attitude that it would take care of itself. From a man's perspective it is absolutely a numbers game. The more people you meet, the more chance you have that something will eventually work but you need to make sure you meet these people so as a man you have to be pro-active, even if only making sure you cultivate a social life and wide network of contacts, if you are serious about meeting someone.

Edited July 4, 2016 by insert_name

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