spicerp Posted July 1, 2016 Posted July 1, 2016 I am a long-term single who recently asked a woman for a date. She has suggested that I go with her to see her daughter perform gymnastics and has invited another mother and child along. Nice though this is, it is not a date, and I think I am being parked firmly in the friendzone. Somewhat reluctantly I have accepted, as I think refusing might be an insult. It does not, however encourage me to pursue the matter further. Observations please. 1
Poutrew Posted July 1, 2016 Posted July 1, 2016 You initial assumption, as Spock would say, is highly logical. "Spicerp, there is a 95.67 percent chance you are correct." You can't fight odds like that... but I'd still go. Who knows how many single gym moms you might run into? Being with this woman just might be the stepping stone you need to get in with this crowd... even Spock would lift his right eyebrow in approval. 1
Dis Posted July 1, 2016 Posted July 1, 2016 I can understand you not wanting to pursue anything further...it does seem like she considers you as just a friend...not much you can do there But why are you going to this event??? Seems like your a bit uncomfortable with it...I think its strange If I were you I wouldnt go 2
ExpatInItaly Posted July 1, 2016 Posted July 1, 2016 Yes, this is a Friendzone move. I wouldn't attend, as it is obvious you're not entirely comfortable with it. 2
Tribble Posted July 1, 2016 Posted July 1, 2016 I dunno, all depends. I don't really believe in the friendzone. Maybe she is uncomfortable dating and wants to get to know you a bit more before moving in that direction. This is a safe environment to do that. But, chances are, it is a message she sees you as more a friend. Just trying to add a different perspective here. But I'm with the others, don't go if you find it uncomfortable. 1
smudge21 Posted July 1, 2016 Posted July 1, 2016 Go along, test the water and see what happens and how she is with you. Afterwards you can decide whether to take it further or make it clear that you're looking for something more than a friendship. No harm in being open and honest, it shows respect for one.
Erik30 Posted July 1, 2016 Posted July 1, 2016 You're right, she friendzoned you. Going to see her daughter perform gymnastics, and also inviting another mom along makes it seem like she sees you as "one of the girls." And it would be a really weird choice as a date anyway. 2
Author spicerp Posted July 1, 2016 Author Posted July 1, 2016 Thanks, folks. Poutrew, I like your thinking outside the box. 1
DreamP Posted July 1, 2016 Posted July 1, 2016 As a mom, inviting somebody to my child's performance is a very intimate thing. I would not do that with anybody. On the other hand, my husband is the type who would invite the bum off the street to see his kids. It really depends on this woman's personality what that means. We don't know her. You do. Go to the event since you already agreed to it. Introduce yourself as "just a friend" really emphasizing the friend aspect. See her reaction. If there is no reaction or even agreement, then you got your answer. But heck, you will be in a stocked pond at that point.
preraph Posted July 1, 2016 Posted July 1, 2016 That's what I call a "I don't want to make time for you but I have to go do this anyway, so you can come." It's not a date. She's not very interested, and her kids are the main part of her life. Sorry. Make up an excuse at the last minute before you get roped into every birthday party and have to buy kid gifts and sit through clowns and jump houses. 2
jen1447 Posted July 1, 2016 Posted July 1, 2016 Yeah, I wouldn't write it off so quickly. Friendzoning is more a youth thing, or at least a freedom thing (that mothers might not have the leisure to indulge). If she's a grown woman w/a child who lives in the adult world w/all those responsibilities, a date like that - while not really a conventional date - might have diff meaning than with random 22 year old who's main worry in life is whether or not her hair looks perfect today. No harm in going anyway (and you'd look like a turd if you cancelled after accepting) - you should see soon enough if you're treated like someone or Someone.
salparadise Posted July 1, 2016 Posted July 1, 2016 I think it's a frendzone type of move, but on the other hand it indicates that she's not hesitant to be seen with you. Personally I would not like it much, but you might be better off playing it out than resisting. But I would also ask for a date-date for a specific time and event (like dinner) so that you don't get stuck in friend mode. You should take control regardless of whether you decide to go or not. I had a woman (recently divorced client) ask me to a performance that her son was in once, and she suggested that my daughter would enjoy it. We went and we had a nice time, but it wasn't the kind of thing the anyone other than parents of the performers would normally attend. It seems like a very similar kind of thing. At the time I just thought she was being nice and social, but later on I realized that it was an entré to something more. She just wasn't quite comfortable going straight for dating at the time. I say that you can't attach a lot of meaning to it. You have to play it out and see what happens.
smackie9 Posted July 1, 2016 Posted July 1, 2016 Tip: be direct and have a plan when you ask someone for a date. You should have said "I would like to take you for dinner. You adventurous? There's this place I have been wanting to try out. I have never had _____ food before, I thought it would be exciting to trying something new". Bold and confident wins the girl.....saying "You want to go out sometime?" is weak and leave it wide open to have the date turn into friends hanging out. She wiggled out of it being a date. This fails. I wouldn't bother, your intentions were to have a date and possible relationship....this isn't going in that direction. Keep your b@!!$ and decline, walk away. It take 7 seconds for a woman to determine whether you have potential or not.....she is not interested. 3
Jabron1 Posted July 1, 2016 Posted July 1, 2016 I wouldn't be caught dead watching a little girl do gymnastics among a gaggle of women. What possible attraction is there for you in that? Straight up orbiter territory, in my opinion. Make any excuse you want. But don't lower yourself to that. 2
gbe2015 Posted July 1, 2016 Posted July 1, 2016 (edited) Just tell her something came up and you can't make it (you need to go do something for a family member is a good one). Tell her you're sorry and you still want to spend time with her so suggest going to dinner (pick a day). Force her hand. If a woman is into you she'll make the time. if she brushes you off, move on. Let a beta be an orbiter and listen to the day to day minutia and attend gymnastic shows with the girls. Don't be that guy. Edited July 1, 2016 by gbe2015 1
tndawg Posted July 1, 2016 Posted July 1, 2016 You said you are new to the dating thing. Are you interested in continuing a relationship with this friend? If so, the daughter will be part of the package. Do you think showing interest in her daughter might be a good thing? Why not go and get to know both of them? 1
Patrice Posted July 1, 2016 Posted July 1, 2016 Not necessarily, she is asking you to see her daughter (positive). If she is asking another friend along? She may well want to get her friend's impression of you.
phineas Posted July 1, 2016 Posted July 1, 2016 I'd flake then go NC. seriously. In every instance where the woman brought me around family and friends as a "first date" it was because they just didn't want to be alone with me in a date like situation. OP if you are new to dating then here is your first lesson. If you want a date, accept nothing less. If a woman isn't offering what you want (a date) then you got better things to do. Learn the walk away mentality before you end up driving yourself crazy chasing after women who aren't interested in you. 1
smackie9 Posted July 1, 2016 Posted July 1, 2016 No....she's an adult, and adults, if interested, go out on adult dates. 2
phineas Posted July 1, 2016 Posted July 1, 2016 No....she's an adult, and adults, if interested, go out on adult dates. Thank you. was gonna say this also. These people giving OP false hope..... 1
BaileyB Posted July 1, 2016 Posted July 1, 2016 I think you should go. See how it goes, if you can ask her out again and be more specific. Tell her you enjoy her company and you would like to take her to dinner (or something). You might be surprised...
gbe2015 Posted July 2, 2016 Posted July 2, 2016 I think you should go. See how it goes, if you can ask her out again and be more specific. Tell her you enjoy her company and you would like to take her to dinner (or something). You might be surprised... no. He should cancel but ask her out for a dinner date (or something). If she says yes he avoids the friend zone vortex and he's better off. If she says no he should do something for himself, like go work out for an hour at the gym so he can have a clear head for the next girl he will ask out. Either way he's better off.
BaileyB Posted July 2, 2016 Posted July 2, 2016 (edited) I can't think of anything that would impress a woman who is a mother and clearly engaged in her child's life than showing interest in her daughter. Because, if you date this woman... The daughter is part of the package. Obviously, going to a child's gymnastic event is not anyone's idea of the best first date. And obviously, you would want to have an "adult date" with this woman soon... But, one way to get there may be to go and show some interest in her daughter. This could (for this woman) make quite an impression and help the OP get exactly what he wants for the next date. I'm not sure that I believe in the friendzone for a woman at this age. But, blowing her off, going to the gym, and going NC will not get you what you want. I think most women who are a little older and have children don't play these games. It's an afternoon of your time. What do you have to lose. Edited July 2, 2016 by BaileyB
gbe2015 Posted July 2, 2016 Posted July 2, 2016 (edited) Forcing her hand will get him what he wants. He wants a relationship with someone. And what he wants comes first. If she isn't interested he needs to move on and find someone who is. Playing the friendship game with her hoping she might give him a chance one day if the stars and moon align just right is a waste of his time. He is putting what she wants first and that is wrong. Man up & ask her out on a proper date, if she says no move on. Respect yourself. Don't be a b**ch to anyone. Edited July 2, 2016 by gbe2015
elaine567 Posted July 2, 2016 Posted July 2, 2016 I am a long-term single who recently asked a woman for a date. What kind of date did you suggest or did you just leave it up to her and she then suggested the daughter's gymnastics?
Recommended Posts