Jammer25 Posted July 1, 2016 Posted July 1, 2016 (edited) So my girlfriend of 4 months is having major surgery next week. She's been in significant pain for about a few weeks now waiting for the OR date, and her recovery time will be about 2 months. She is currently on medical leave from her job. I text/chat with her throughout the day while I'm at work, and have visited her every now and then during the week (almost always on weekends) to take care of her, make food, clean, etc. (She rents a room in a house that her friend owns.) It's a trying time for me at work - we're shorthanded and I'm being asked to do the work of 4 people while we try to hire. I'm trying to focus on doing well at work and keeping my own health together to be able to care for my girlfriend as well. Some days I just can't visit her out of lack of energy, exhaustion, migraines, etc. and I feel awful for it. She lives about 25 minutes from me, and about 15 minutes from my work. We talk every night and I feel so bad hearing her in pain from even walking throughout the house. Sometimes she wishes I could come over, but I am almost passed out when I get home. Am I being a bad boyfriend for not doing more for her? I'm conflicted because on one hand my hardships seem like nothing compared to hers, but on the other I don't want to add any worry to her life by seeing me tired. (We're both worrywarts.) Do I just have to suck it up and deal better with reality of work/life/etc. and be better for her? I keep thinking of the analogy that I can't "pour from an empty cup" so to speak. Any advice from those who have had an S/O go through a similar hardship, and how you dealt with it, would be greatly appreciated. Edited July 1, 2016 by Jammer25
Author Jammer25 Posted July 2, 2016 Author Posted July 2, 2016 Update: I went over to her place last night to help clean her bedroom. She bought a bigger mattress so she will be more comfortable during recovery. Except we have to clear space for her to be able to walk more easily and get to her bed and the door. It's just been me helping her as her roommates (who own the house) have had other obligations. She only rents a room in the house, FYI. I was exhausted last night after work, and after cleaning I went home and just passed out. I'm going back today, and on top of helping clean her family will be there. So it's another wrinkle where I will be meeting some of them for the first time. If I'm being honest, I don't know how often I will have the energy to visit and help take care of her. Weekends obviously, but other than that...I don't know. I feel awful for not wanting to have to be there every day, since her family lives far away and are visiting because she is having major surgery. C'est la vie, sure. On my team at work we're shorthanded and I will have to train new people, which means OT for the next few months most likely. Any advice from others' experiences is much appreciated.
katiegrl Posted July 2, 2016 Posted July 2, 2016 (edited) I think after only four months dating, this may all be too much. You haven't been dating long enough or developed a strong enough bond that would withstand or even warrant this type of devotion on your part. For me, I would never even expect a man I had been dating a mere four months to do all that for me. Not sure if I would even want him to! Too much, too soon..... if I could not rely on family or close friends, I would hire a nurse. If you keep this up, I don't see this RL lasting. You already sound burned out and turned off. Which would be understandable, given the circumstances. I think you should talk to her about your feelings. If you don't, as I said I just don't see how your RL will survive this. It's too much too soon.... Good luck! Edited July 2, 2016 by katiegrl 1
Author Jammer25 Posted July 3, 2016 Author Posted July 3, 2016 I think after only four months dating, this may all be too much. You haven't been dating long enough or developed a strong enough bond that would withstand or even warrant this type of devotion on your part. For me, I would never even expect a man I had been dating a mere four months to do all that for me. Not sure if I would even want him to! Too much, too soon..... if I could not rely on family or close friends, I would hire a nurse. If you keep this up, I don't see this RL lasting. You already sound burned out and turned off. Which would be understandable, given the circumstances. I think you should talk to her about your feelings. If you don't, as I said I just don't see how your RL will survive this. It's too much too soon.... Good luck! Thanks for the response. Yeah, already after helping like I have I feel like I'm neglecting the rest of my life. Family, friends, work. And I don't want that to become a habit. It's sad because I don't want to feel like I'm abandoning her at a time like this when she's going through a major procedure. But if I'm this tired/resigned so soon, I don't see myself being good for her or myself during her recovery. Like I mentioned, it's just a lot hitting at once over the next few months. She's voiced that she wants me to make her a priority in my life, but I'm not ready for that yet. Lately I've wondered how to go about "taking a break" or even just ending things. We were friends for about 8 months before we started dating though.
katiegrl Posted July 3, 2016 Posted July 3, 2016 (edited) Thanks for the response. Yeah, already after helping like I have I feel like I'm neglecting the rest of my life. Family, friends, work. And I don't want that to become a habit. It's sad because I don't want to feel like I'm abandoning her at a time like this when she's going through a major procedure. But if I'm this tired/resigned so soon, I don't see myself being good for her or myself during her recovery. Like I mentioned, it's just a lot hitting at once over the next few months. She's voiced that she wants me to make her a priority in my life, but I'm not ready for that yet. Lately I've wondered how to go about "taking a break" or even just ending things. We were friends for about 8 months before we started dating though. She TOLD you she wants you to make her a priority in your life, after four months? Good lord, I cannot even imagine saying this to a guy....after only four months. Or EVER! You either want to make her a priority ... on your own, from your heart... or you don't. Her telling you to defeats the purpose. She sounds extremely high maintenance imo. High expectations, demanding. You already feel overwhelmed and suffocated. And it's only been four months! End it now, do not prolong. Yes you will feel guilty, that is inevitable, but that's life. I feel guilty right now too, because I just turned down a guy I was chatting with over the internet! He did not take it well, appeared to be very hurt. And I feel awful about it cuz he seemed nice, just not for me. You are doing the right thing in the end. Be honest. Tell her you feel overwhelmed, own that. Too much too soon. Wish her well with her surgery and then move on. She will be fine. She should not be your *responsibility*, let alone priority after four months. Best of luck! Edited July 3, 2016 by katiegrl
elaine567 Posted July 3, 2016 Posted July 3, 2016 She told you she wants you to make her a priority in your life, after four months? YOU were friends for 8 months before dating, so maybe not such a far reach to expect her friend/bf to be there for her when she is facing major surgery. Truth is, your are not really invested enough in her to even visit, she is only 15 mins from your work, you could pop in before you go home for a short while, but no, you prefer to just go home, then profess exhaustion or you just keep moaning about having to do anything at all for her and now you are thinking of "taking a break." YOU are just not that interested in her, are you? 2
katiegrl Posted July 3, 2016 Posted July 3, 2016 YOU were friends for 8 months before dating, so maybe not such a far reach to expect her friend/bf to be there for her when she is facing major surgery. Truth is, your are not really invested enough in her to even visit, she is only 15 mins from your work, you could pop in before you go home for a short while, but no, you prefer to just go home, then profess exhaustion or you just keep moaning about having to do anything at all for her and now you are thinking of "taking a break." YOU are just not that interested in her, are you? Good point I forget they were friends for eight months prior. I agree, he just doesn't sound all that into her...... and that is the issue. That said though ... I still don't think a woman should ever *tell* a man she wants him to make her a priority. That should come from within him, on his own. Imo. And clearly he is not into her enough to make her a priority. All the more reason to just end it..... give her time to find someone else to take care of her.
elaine567 Posted July 3, 2016 Posted July 3, 2016 Good point I forget they were friends for eight months prior. I agree, he just doesn't sound all that into her...... and that is the issue. That said though ... I still don't think a woman should ever *tell* a man she wants him to make her a priority. That should come from within him, on his own. Imo. And clearly he is not into her enough to make her a priority. All the more reason to just end it..... give her time to find someone else to take care of her. My guess is that she feels she needs to tell him to make her a priority, as she senses he is not being that helpful or caring, and she is no doubt panicking now. She is in rented accommodation with a family far away and a bf who is going AWOL on her. She is trying to muster his help here.
Author Jammer25 Posted July 3, 2016 Author Posted July 3, 2016 YOU were friends for 8 months before dating, so maybe not such a far reach to expect her friend/bf to be there for her when she is facing major surgery. Truth is, your are not really invested enough in her to even visit, she is only 15 mins from your work, you could pop in before you go home for a short while, but no, you prefer to just go home, then profess exhaustion or you just keep moaning about having to do anything at all for her and now you are thinking of "taking a break." YOU are just not that interested in her, are you? Good point I forget they were friends for eight months prior. I agree, he just doesn't sound all that into her...... and that is the issue. That said though ... I still don't think a woman should ever *tell* a man she wants him to make her a priority. That should come from within him, on his own. Imo. And clearly he is not into her enough to make her a priority. All the more reason to just end it..... give her time to find someone else to take care of her. I am conflicted, yes. In my mind I sometimes think that I signed up to be with her, not necessarily this extreme of a situation. I'm just having issues reconciling that because I haven't experienced something like it before with an S/O. Having doubts and inexperience is human...and sure those doubts are manifesting as I write out my thoughts here. I'm looking for advice on how to get past them, because I do care about her.
katiegrl Posted July 3, 2016 Posted July 3, 2016 My guess is that she feels she needs to tell him to make her a priority, as she senses he is not being that helpful or caring, and she is no doubt panicking now. She is in rented accommodation with a family far away and a bf who is going AWOL on her. She is trying to muster his help here. I understand ... I just think it is a mistake. Assuming she wants this RL to continue. She cannot force him to care, or force him to make her a priority. It's having the opposite effect, pushing him away. What would she do if he were not in her life? Hire a nurse, or CNA.. At least part-time .... If she has health insurance, it will pay.
katiegrl Posted July 3, 2016 Posted July 3, 2016 I am conflicted, yes. In my mind I sometimes think that I signed up to be with her, not necessarily this extreme of a situation. I'm just having issues reconciling that because I haven't experienced something like it before with an S/O. Having doubts and inexperience is human...and sure those doubts are manifesting as I write out my thoughts here. I'm looking for advice on how to get past them, because I do care about her. If you do care, then talk to her, tell her how you feel! That you feel a bit overwhelmed..... I already advised that. I don't really see as you have much choice.... assuming you want this RL to continue. Why are you so hesitant to talk to her?
Author Jammer25 Posted July 3, 2016 Author Posted July 3, 2016 If you do care, then talk to her, tell her how you feel! That you feel a bit overwhelmed..... I already advised that. I don't really see as you have much choice.... assuming you want this RL to continue. Why are you so hesitant to talk to her? I think I'm just scared that it will make her worry even more than she is, and I don't want her to fret about me with everything going on for her surgery and recovery. As I mentioned, a part of my mind is just like "deal with it and be good for her." And I see now how that comes across calling my level of care for her into question. I think, for myself, I'm just at a stage where I have to reconcile several things going on. Which is pretty much the reason I'm hesitant to put all of it on her right now, since a lot of it has to do with me for work and family outside of just me and her. It should be for me to figure out for the most part, but I wanted to see if peeps on here had advice in that sense.
Author Jammer25 Posted July 5, 2016 Author Posted July 5, 2016 So I was over at her place again to make sure she is set up for any last little things. Making sure she has food, water, toiletries, etc. easily accessible by her bed and all. I was so close to a breaking point of frustration when she went off on me for a good while about misplacing certain things. Just a few days ago her room was a huge mess, and a walkway was barely cleared to get to the bed from the door. I went over and cleaned up with some direction as she rested, but at a certain point I just needed to get stuff out to make space. I'm human, and I was mad for a while as I located the items she was angry about misplacing. It ended well enough, and we talked about it and how I want to be patient with her. Even just knowing how hard recovery will be.
Els Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 I don't think you're being a bad bf. Sure, you could potentially 'do more', but we are all human, and it's normal to be exhausted after a long day of work. I also think that she could be more appreciative towards what you DO do. I understand that she's probably cranky due to the pain and the meds, but just as you are making an effort to care for her, she should make an effort to express gratitude instead of going off at you for something minor like misplacing something. I also disagree with elaine, I don't think anyone should be expected to spend ALL their time off work caring for a bf or gf of 4 months. Being friends for 8 months before that doesn't really change it that much IMO. If the two of you had been together for at least a year and were living together, I'd probably say you could do more, but I think what you're doing is fine at 4 months.
Cayemmo Posted July 9, 2016 Posted July 9, 2016 What a difficult moment you and your girlfriend must be going through right now. But It's awesome what you're doing to care for her. Many men would see it as an opportunity to just walk away, but since now, you've stuck it out and I imagine your girlfriend must think you're an amazing guy. Times like these really help put things into perspective. It helps to uncover how much you care for someone when they're in need and the sacrifices become really intense. I'd encourage you to hang in there. My husband had an ulcer just a few years ago and I would have stayed with him every day if I could. Of course, it was difficult but just to come in and be a hand to hold brought our hearts closer together than the good times could, especially during those early stages of our relationship. This time might be a great time to make memories. More than that, this is the moment to prove to your girlfriend that you've got her back and that you're willing to support her (which you're doing), especially in the hard times. What women won't want that? You're doing a great thing for your girlfriend. I'll be praying for her recovery. God loves you both and wants the best for you. I don't know if you're a believer in Jesus but I'd encourage you to look to Him for the strength you need. Hand in there! I wish you both the very best. God bless you.
Recommended Posts