JewelD Posted July 1, 2016 Posted July 1, 2016 So I've been talking to this girl I met on OKC for about a month. At first, I wasn't trying to get too invested bc OKC matches never really pan out for me. Plus, I was really enjoying how easy going my life had been since I'd been single (Over a year). She seemed to be very interested. Texts every morning, middle of the day, night. And, unlike my usual self, I was a little standoffish. She started calling me pet names, sending me selfies and videos (G rated). Then this past Sunday, we talked about our thoughts about each other and she said she liked texting me all the time and she couldn't explain it bc she really didn't do that with other people. Then I confessed to her that I was acting standoffish bc I didn't want to disappointed, but that I enjoyed talking to her as well. We made plans for her to come down and visit this coming Tuesday. But since that big reveal where I showed my hand, the texting has slowed down a bit. Today, she didn't text me at all. She mentioned yesterday that she was really busy with work (she has two jobs). In her previous texts she had also mentioned that she was looking for someone who understood that she was a busy person but that she was thinking about them all the time. So rational me is thinking, she's obviously busy right now, doesn't mean she's not interested anymore. Relax. But another part of me is thinking, she's had these two jobs the whole time we were talking and she still made time to text me every morning. Maybe she was chasing me so hard bc I was acting like I wasn't into it. But maybe since now that I am acting like I'm into it, she's doesn't feel the need to work as hard for my attention? I try to keep myself braced for the disappointment with these things just bc it makes it easier but I'm not sure what this is. As far as I know, she took off work for Tuesday and we have plans to meet, but idk if I should just be patient and wait til the weekend is over, text her, or take her dwindling texts as a sign that she's not that interested anymore. Any thoughts?
MsJayne Posted July 1, 2016 Posted July 1, 2016 Why not do both? You have no commitment to this person, you don't owe her anything, you are free to pursue other people, and if someone else takes your fancy that's just the way it is, she had her chance. It kinda sounds like she's into the thrill of the chase, when you were a prospect she was super-keen, but now you're looking like a definite sale, so the service level drops. If she's taking you for granted before you're even involved imagine how much fun she'd be in a real relationship........ 2
Lois_Griffin Posted July 1, 2016 Posted July 1, 2016 But another part of me is thinking, she's had these two jobs the whole time we were talking and she still made time to text me every morning. Maybe she was chasing me so hard bc I was acting like I wasn't into it. But maybe since now that I am acting like I'm into it, she's doesn't feel the need to work as hard for my attention? I try to keep myself braced for the disappointment with these things just bc it makes it easier but I'm not sure what this is. As far as I know, she took off work for Tuesday and we have plans to meet, but idk if I should just be patient and wait til the weekend is over, text her, or take her dwindling texts as a sign that she's not that interested anymore. Any thoughts? She sounds like a catfish whose been enjoying the attention you've been giving her and pretending to be someone else online. Now that it's actually time to meet you, the fantasy is unraveling. I wouldn't be surprised at ALL if she were actually some unhappy married woman or a socially stunted young lady who looks NOTHING like the videos you've been getting from her. Honestly, don't be surprised when your meeting doesn't happen. For the record, it's VERY EASY to take other people's pictures and videos and pass them off as your own. It ain't rocket science. 1
joseb Posted July 1, 2016 Posted July 1, 2016 Don't spend vast amounts of time in some kind of "relationship" with someone you have not met. Until you meet, it's nothing. And as Lois says, there's a good chance she is a catfish. If you want to meet people, ask them out. If you are happier being single, drop OKC. 3
Author JewelD Posted July 4, 2016 Author Posted July 4, 2016 *****UPDATE***** So I got in touch with the girl a few days ago and she said she had been working 75 hours this week. Which doesn't sound unreasonable for a restaurant manager/bartender. Still, it only takes 2 seconds to text somebody. Anyway, I'm pretty sure she's not a catfish, I've seen those before and I don't get those kind of vibes from her. She was off on Saturday so the texting was more consistent but then today, I said good morning and she didn't say anything back. I'm just about consistency, it's weird to blow somebody's phone up for weeks and then go a day without saying anything. She's supposed to come visit on tuesday (she lives an hour and a half away), and I had originally planned a bunch of activities for us to do (it's her bday week). Now I'm just like, idk if I even want to do that. But I'm also aware that sometimes people are oblivious and they don't realize what they're doing. Ugh, I just wish people could be more consistent. And no, we haven't met, but nobody transforms into an entirely new person just because you meet in person.
joseb Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 (edited) . And no, we haven't met, but nobody transforms into an entirely new person just because you meet in person. Ah really? I can tell you from personal experience that they do. I'd say there is only a small transference from someones online persona to their actual selves. I've met women that seemed great online, but I would never spend two minutes talking to them in real life, given the choice. I'm sure it goes the other way too. Ok, in this case I'd advise you stop with the "good morning" type texts and just focus on actually setting up a meeting. And while it's nice to.plan cool stuff, as it's a first meet, i'd keep it simple and low key. In case she flakes. Or you realise on meeting she's not for you. Edited July 4, 2016 by joseb 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 *****UPDATE***** So I got in touch with the girl a few days ago and she said she had been working 75 hours this week. Which doesn't sound unreasonable for a restaurant manager/bartender. Still, it only takes 2 seconds to text somebody. Anyway, I'm pretty sure she's not a catfish, I've seen those before and I don't get those kind of vibes from her. She was off on Saturday so the texting was more consistent but then today, I said good morning and she didn't say anything back. I'm just about consistency, it's weird to blow somebody's phone up for weeks and then go a day without saying anything. She's supposed to come visit on tuesday (she lives an hour and a half away), and I had originally planned a bunch of activities for us to do (it's her bday week). Now I'm just like, idk if I even want to do that. But I'm also aware that sometimes people are oblivious and they don't realize what they're doing. Ugh, I just wish people could be more consistent. And no, we haven't met, but nobody transforms into an entirely new person just because you meet in person. She knows what she's doing. She isn't oblivious; she's just not that interested. Sounds like she has a boyfriend, and she looks for attention from you when he's not around. You're wasting your time here. 1
Mjm1014 Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 You are taking this girl WAY too serious OP, trust me from my own experience. I was talking to a real "catfish" for two months via text and phone calls. She would send me tons of pictures and videos of herself everyday, seemed like a great person overall, but she always had a shadyside to her that I couldn't understand. She would go a few days being super into me then go cold to the point I wouldn't hear from her in days then she would call me out of the blue saying she "missed me"....as for setting up plans, always last minute excuses. I ended up giving up on her 2-3 months in and it sucked since I felt like I really knew the girl. Anyways, fast forward 6 months later...I was on Facebook and noticed the same girls picture pop up as "someone I should know" except it wasn't the name she gave me. Long story short, the girl I was talking to was stealing this girls pictures from her Facebook along with the videos. I confronted the girl and she said she made a fake online account because she was depressed about how she looked and lonely but then she started to like me and knew she could never meet me since she was lying about who she really was. Funny thing is, the real her wasn't that bad looking-but I'd never trust her again. Haven't talked in year. My point is, maybe this girl really is who she says she is, BUT realize there is always that possibility she isn't, and even if you do meet, you may not meet her expectations either. Online dating is kind of a joke, you can't take it serious until they prove themselves in person-and even then it's hit or miss if there will be a real connection. Focus your time on other things, other women, and if you guys meet up great, if not oh well. The real "getting to know eachother" stage doesn't happen until you meet for the first time-that's when I invest my energy at least after the mess I got into years ago.
kendahke Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 Schedule a meeting with her---this week--for coffee. If she says no, then block her. She's too busy for any involvement let alone relationship with anyone.
BlueIris Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 *****UPDATE***** So I got in touch with the girl a few days ago and she said she had been working 75 hours this week. Which doesn't sound unreasonable for a restaurant manager/bartender. Still, it only takes 2 seconds to text somebody. Anyway, I'm pretty sure she's not a catfish, I've seen those before and I don't get those kind of vibes from her. She was off on Saturday so the texting was more consistent but then today, I said good morning and she didn't say anything back. I'm just about consistency, it's weird to blow somebody's phone up for weeks and then go a day without saying anything. She's supposed to come visit on tuesday (she lives an hour and a half away), and I had originally planned a bunch of activities for us to do (it's her bday week). Now I'm just like, idk if I even want to do that. But I'm also aware that sometimes people are oblivious and they don't realize what they're doing. Ugh, I just wish people could be more consistent. And no, we haven't met, but nobody transforms into an entirely new person just because you meet in person. If she travels an hour and a half to meet you, she's interested. However, if you aren't very interested tell her so that she doesn't spend 3 hours traveling for no good reason.
katiegrl Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 (edited) She knows what she's doing. She isn't oblivious; she's just not that interested. Sounds like she has a boyfriend, and she looks for attention from you when he's not around. You're wasting your time here. This^^... jewel, stop justifying her hot/cold wishy washy behavior. Move on, please ! Didn't you go through this once before with another chick? She pulled your strings for months! This chick is doing the same thing..... you need to stop tolerateing this BS. Next! Edited July 4, 2016 by katiegrl
Gaeta Posted July 4, 2016 Posted July 4, 2016 Here is a rule that will help you a lot with online dating. Do not pursue communication with a woman that cannot meet within 5 days. If she lives 1,5 hour away and works 75 hrs a week, if she cannot find the time to meet you within a month how the heck is she going to date you?? My bet is she won't be there Tuesday. She is a huge waste of your time. You must be new with online dating if you put up with this.
Author JewelD Posted July 6, 2016 Author Posted July 6, 2016 ******UPDATE******** I don't think she's a catfish, but I do think she's lying about something. I texted her after work yesterday and she said she'd been in the hospital with her sister all day long. so I asked, why, what happened? she said "long story. she has health problems". So I cut to the point and was like, "sorry to hear that, blah blah. R u still coming tomorrow". and she said "hopefully she can get out of the hospital by the morning". So of course I was very agitated and I told her point blank, I'm not about to sit around on the day of and wait for you to figure out if you're going to cancel or not, just say yes or no now. So it turned into this whole thing where I basically told her I thought she was full of **** and told her to prove otherwise, like a photo of her in the hospital or something. and she said I was being insensitive, etc etc. Eventually she apologized, but she said that I shouldn't think she's lying since she was the one whose idea it was to meet both times and she was the one making the effort. and that there were other ways to prove she was real, like facetime. Idk what's going on with her or what she's hiding, but I also don't see the purpose. She's not getting anything out of this. We didn't even really talk much this past week. Ppl kill me with their shenanigans.
Teknoe Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 Ah really? I can tell you from personal experience that they do. I'd say there is only a small transference from someones online persona to their actual selves. I've met women that seemed great online, but I would never spend two minutes talking to them in real life, given the choice. I'm sure it goes the other way too. Ok, in this case I'd advise you stop with the "good morning" type texts and just focus on actually setting up a meeting. And while it's nice to.plan cool stuff, as it's a first meet, i'd keep it simple and low key. In case she flakes. Or you realise on meeting she's not for you. Absolutely truth. Quoted for truth. Listen to this truth. Truth >> our own self-created illusions every single freakin' time.
Teknoe Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 ******UPDATE******** I don't think she's a catfish, but I do think she's lying about something. I texted her after work yesterday and she said she'd been in the hospital with her sister all day long. so I asked, why, what happened? she said "long story. she has health problems". So I cut to the point and was like, "sorry to hear that, blah blah. R u still coming tomorrow". and she said "hopefully she can get out of the hospital by the morning". So of course I was very agitated and I told her point blank, I'm not about to sit around on the day of and wait for you to figure out if you're going to cancel or not, just say yes or no now. So it turned into this whole thing where I basically told her I thought she was full of **** and told her to prove otherwise, like a photo of her in the hospital or something. and she said I was being insensitive, etc etc. Eventually she apologized, but she said that I shouldn't think she's lying since she was the one whose idea it was to meet both times and she was the one making the effort. and that there were other ways to prove she was real, like facetime. Idk what's going on with her or what she's hiding, but I also don't see the purpose. She's not getting anything out of this. We didn't even really talk much this past week. Ppl kill me with their shenanigans. Dude, you're way too invested in a girl you never meet. Also, I have to say esp. considering her sister is (supposedly) in the hospital, you acted like a you know what forcing her hand about visiting you. I get that you want a clear cut yes or no, but wrong place wrong time. That's the kind of stuff that kills any relationship, especially one where y'all haven't even met yet. Girls don't like when guys act needy or clingy. Jeez, asking for a photo of her in the hospital? Dude, that's honestly how one is deemed "creepy" and "run the other way." Again, it's all about timing and tact. Both of which you used poor judgment in here. 2
Author JewelD Posted July 6, 2016 Author Posted July 6, 2016 Dude, you're way too invested in a girl you never meet. Also, I have to say esp. considering her sister is (supposedly) in the hospital, you acted like a you know what forcing her hand about visiting you. I get that you want a clear cut yes or no, but wrong place wrong time. That's the kind of stuff that kills any relationship, especially one where y'all haven't even met yet. Girls don't like when guys act needy or clingy. Jeez, asking for a photo of her in the hospital? Dude, that's honestly how one is deemed "creepy" and "run the other way." Again, it's all about timing and tact. Both of which you used poor judgment in here. I'm a woman also and I only asked her bc I wanted to see what she would say as I suspected she was lying. She spent a considerable amount of time trying to explain herself after that, time during which her sister is supposedly sick in the hospital. That struck me as weird bc I wouldn't be texting somebody that extensively if my sister was in the hospital. and I didn't force her hand, I asked for a yes or no, as she was expecting me to sit around the next day while she decided if she was going to come or not. A normal person, at least one who cared about her supposedly sick sister, would have just flat out cancelled. Not, "well, let me see if my sister dies or not and I'll get back to you". and she wasn't too bothered by it enough to stop talking to me. and my point in reference to joseb's comment was that if someone was acting like an ******* online, I wouldn't expect them to be an awesome person in real life. Maybe positive traits don't transfer, but those negative ones usually do.
katiegrl Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 Dude, you're way too invested in a girl you never meet. Also, I have to say esp. considering her sister is (supposedly) in the hospital, you acted like a you know what forcing her hand about visiting you. I get that you want a clear cut yes or no, but wrong place wrong time. That's the kind of stuff that kills any relationship, especially one where y'all haven't even met yet. Girls don't like when guys act needy or clingy. Jeez, asking for a photo of her in the hospital? Dude, that's honestly how one is deemed "creepy" and "run the other way." Again, it's all about timing and tact. Both of which you used poor judgment in here. Not that it matters but OP is herself a girl. Jewel, FWIW.... I have a friend who is a straight girl gone lesbian and she said compared to men, girls are the absolute worst with regard to playing head games, screwing other chicks over... and the like. She was seeing a girl for awhile who screwed around with her head (and heart) so bad, she put all the men my friend had dated prior to absolute shame... She would tell me about some of the crap this girl put her through and it boggled my mind. Between this chick and the last you got involved with (but never met).... I am beginning to believe she is 100% correct about that.
Deidre Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 Beware of people who text too much in the early stages of dating. I don't believe she doesn't text others the same way. She barely knows you. lol Why would she feel the need to text so much, to someone she barely knows? Because she does it often. I dated two guys like this...non stop texting and calling, right from the beginning, and at first, I felt special. But, before long, the texting slowed down, and it was to manipulate me. To keep me wondering why it slowed down. Both turned out to be controlling, jealous types and the break ups were horrible. In the beginning, when people are making you their whole world, beware...because that's what they do with everyone, because they're lacking something. I'd move on, not because the texting slowed down, but because she texted too much from the beginning, barely knowing you. 2
BlueIris Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 ******UPDATE******** I don't think she's a catfish, but I do think she's lying about something. I texted her after work yesterday and she said she'd been in the hospital with her sister all day long. so I asked, why, what happened? she said "long story. she has health problems". So I cut to the point and was like, "sorry to hear that, blah blah. R u still coming tomorrow". and she said "hopefully she can get out of the hospital by the morning". So of course I was very agitated and I told her point blank, I'm not about to sit around on the day of and wait for you to figure out if you're going to cancel or not, just say yes or no now. So it turned into this whole thing where I basically told her I thought she was full of **** and told her to prove otherwise, like a photo of her in the hospital or something. and she said I was being insensitive, etc etc. .... Yeah, I've spent so much time hospitals lately with family, I'd think she'd have hung up on you if you'd said that- at least I'd hope she would. But, this was so tacky. Just say no to someone and cut it off rather than pick a fight or get into a pissing match.
Author JewelD Posted July 6, 2016 Author Posted July 6, 2016 Not that it matters but OP is herself a girl. Jewel, FWIW.... I have a friend who is a straight girl gone lesbian and she said compared to men, girls are the absolute worst with regard to playing head games, screwing other chicks over... and the like. She was seeing a girl for awhile who screwed around with her head (and heart) so bad, she put all the men my friend had dated prior to absolute shame... She would tell me about some of the crap this girl put her through and it boggled my mind. Between this chick and the last you got involved with (but never met).... I am beginning to believe she is 100% correct about that. I just don't understand what lesson I'm supposed to learn from this. After that last situation, I took a break from dating bc it was so stressful. and I learned to stop taking things so seriously. This is the first girl I've legit talked to since the last girl and I thought I was doing pretty well. She was very mushy and flirtatious and I was kind but somewhat standoffish. She was the one texting me and trying to meet up. idk, maybe we talked too long before meeting because after a few weeks I started getting used to the attention and I reciprocated it. and then **** just started going downhill. I was honestly done with her after she blew me off the first time bc of her job. I deleted her phone number and I didn't respond to her texts for 2 days. and it wasn't hard to do. My bs tolerance level was sooooo low. But then I talked to one of my friends and asked if I was being too harsh and she said maybe just a little so I said fine, I'll give her another shot. If I just knock people off the first time they do something I don't like, that might make it hard to meet anyone. and I'm just a kind, giving person at heart as much as I don't want to be. And now I feel dumb as hell because I was right the first time and none of this would have happened if I'd just kept her cut off.
Author JewelD Posted July 6, 2016 Author Posted July 6, 2016 Beware of people who text too much in the early stages of dating. I don't believe she doesn't text others the same way. She barely knows you. lol Why would she feel the need to text so much, to someone she barely knows? Because she does it often. I dated two guys like this...non stop texting and calling, right from the beginning, and at first, I felt special. But, before long, the texting slowed down, and it was to manipulate me. To keep me wondering why it slowed down. Both turned out to be controlling, jealous types and the break ups were horrible. In the beginning, when people are making you their whole world, beware...because that's what they do with everyone, because they're lacking something. I'd move on, not because the texting slowed down, but because she texted too much from the beginning, barely knowing you. yeah, I thought it was a little strange too. And really jarring when it completely stopped out of nowhere. There was one day where she was texting me a lot and sending pics and videos while she was at an amusement park. She said she was with her coupled up friends and was 'in her feelings' about being single. So I guess she just wanted someone to make her feel less lonely.
katiegrl Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 I just don't understand what lesson I'm supposed to learn from this. After that last situation, I took a break from dating bc it was so stressful. and I learned to stop taking things so seriously. This is the first girl I've legit talked to since the last girl and I thought I was doing pretty well. She was very mushy and flirtatious and I was kind but somewhat standoffish. She was the one texting me and trying to meet up. idk, maybe we talked too long before meeting because after a few weeks I started getting used to the attention and I reciprocated it. and then **** just started going downhill. I was honestly done with her after she blew me off the first time bc of her job. I deleted her phone number and I didn't respond to her texts for 2 days. and it wasn't hard to do. My bs tolerance level was sooooo low. But then I talked to one of my friends and asked if I was being too harsh and she said maybe just a little so I said fine, I'll give her another shot. If I just knock people off the first time they do something I don't like, that might make it hard to meet anyone. and I'm just a kind, giving person at heart as much as I don't want to be. And now I feel dumb as hell because I was right the first time and none of this would have happened if I'd just kept her cut off. The lesson you learn from this is to follow your own gut and STOP listening to your friends. YOU are the one involved, not them. Choose wisely from the get go (as soon as you spot red flags) and you will avoid disappointment and hurt later. And NO if you get rid early on due to inconsistent and flaky behavior, or ANYTHING that does not jive with how YOU conduct your life... how in the world would that make it more difficult for you to meet someone? I mean Jewel, she blew you off! That should be an automatic dealbreaker, NO second chances with that one. Block, delete, next! 1
Author JewelD Posted July 6, 2016 Author Posted July 6, 2016 The lesson you learn from this is to follow your own gut and STOP listening to your friends. YOU are the one involved, not them. Choose wisely from the get go (as soon as you spot red flags) and you will avoid disappointment and hurt later. And NO if you get rid early on due to inconsistent and flaky behavior, or ANYTHING that does not jive with how YOU conduct your life... how in the world would that make it more difficult for you to meet someone? I mean Jewel, she blew you off! That should be an automatic dealbreaker, NO second chances with that one. Block, delete, next! Yeah that's true. That particular friend isn't very good at giving advice on things anyway. She's waaay too nice and forgiving. But I just blocked and deleted her from everything. I think I'll extend that break I was taking from dating. Things were going well without more Okcupid shenanigans.
Deidre Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 yeah, I thought it was a little strange too. And really jarring when it completely stopped out of nowhere. There was one day where she was texting me a lot and sending pics and videos while she was at an amusement park. She said she was with her coupled up friends and was 'in her feelings' about being single. So I guess she just wanted someone to make her feel less lonely. I dated a guy very similar ...he would text at certain times mainly. It almost conditioned me to receiving them, and then one day...it stopped. And I kept wondering what I did wrong. Ugh, never ever again will I date someone who calls or texts too much too early on. It's definitely not you. ((hug)) 1
Author JewelD Posted July 7, 2016 Author Posted July 7, 2016 This whole situation in combination with the rest of my dating endeavors online and in real life is just so frustrating. I can't believe I let this happen again. and she said we would set up a time to meet but that was tuesday and I think she ghosted on me. I'm just so sick of crappy people. Idk why I'm feeling so hurt right now but I'm sick of feeling like this.
Recommended Posts