32 with 6 children... is it even worth trying?

[impasse]

I am 32 and I have 6 children. I was married from age 18-25 to an extremely controlling man. I had our first child at 17 we married at 18 and moved far from home, then he become controlling. He controlled every aspect of my life. What I could do, when I could do it, where I could go, who I could talk to, what I could buy, he went everywhere with me. He made me push out child after child as fast as my body could. I had miscarriages and other complications because of the back to back pregnancies. If I were still with him he would have kept forcing more children. He was emotionally and sexually abusive.

 

I found the strength to end the relationship and get a restraining order when I was pregnant with my youngest. I have had no contact with him in almost 7 years. He is not allowed to contact me or our children and is incarcerated for unrelated reasons.

 

I moved back to my home town and stayed with my parents until I got back on my feet. I finished my degree, found a career, got a house. I finally feel like I am moving on with my life. I am happy, my kids are happy. They are turning out to be great kids and teenagers What's missing is having someone to share my life with.

 

But all the cards are against me, and I understand that. It seems like most people in their 30's have never been married let alone started a family. I have 6 children, the oldest being 15. It scares off men every time. I have gone on dates but it overwhelms them, even though they have children themselves (never more than 2-3). Everything moves so fast and I'm not comfortable with it. I cannot sleep with someone the first, second, third time I have ever met them. I just cannot. That seems to be another card against me.

 

I don't discuss their father in any more detail than they all share a father (if asked) and he is no longer in their lives.

 

I am a normal human and I want and desire a relationship with someone. I want to enjoy and share my life with someone. I am attractive, healthy, active. I am lucky in that having kids did not destroy my body thanks to genetics and healthy habits. I have a career, live comfortably. So I guess I have that going for me. But - understandably - having 6 kids at 32 is a no-go for every man I've encountered, even men I've dated or talked to in their 40's.

 

Is it even worth trying? Am I destined to be alone? It's been almost 2 years of dating and I haven't had more than 4 dates with the same person. By a-holes online I frequently get asked how many different fathers there are or if I just have a gaping hole and my babies just fell out. I probably get more rude messages than serious ones.

Edited July 1, 2016 by impasse

[Zorrloft]

No, it wouldn't prevent me from getting involved with someone like you. Will it prevent some people, yes... Everyone has their own criteria for what they are happy with and looking for. Just have to find the right one.

Don't give up.

[Jammer25]

It's unfortunate, but having kids is a significant stigma in the dating world. Having 6 kids at your age will cause a lot of people to develop a preconceived notion, regardless of the fact that you've made a great life for yourself after your hardships.

 

And this is on top of dating (at least the initial part of finding a good kit) being a trial-and-error numbers game for anyone, with or without kids.

 

Are you religious? Networking with the church/group you have there might be a good option to find someone. Otherwise, perhaps you could find someone through a friend. I would not rely on online dating to find someone, as it is even easier for people online to develop assumptions about you.

[juniorrocha]

Yes, of course it is worth trying. It's not like your entire life is out of control. You just had a bad relationship before, when you were too young. You have a good career, you study, you're active, you're attractive. The fact you don't want to have sex so soon is not a big deal though.

 

I won't lie, it's not going to be easy. But you are left with two choices: you either give up, or you keep on trying meeting more men. Eventually someone who's willing to be part of your life will appear.

 

As for the a-holes, ignore them. It's sad that people sometimes appear simply to try to put someone else down. Afterall it shows a lot about them, not you.

[katiegrl]

OP, join a dating site that caters to single dads.....

 

I know a man with two kids who fell in love with and married a woman with four kids!

 

They are one big happy family now, with one more additional since they got married!

 

Seven kids total now.

[MissBee]

No, it wouldn't prevent me from getting involved with someone like you. Will it prevent some people, yes... Everyone has their own criteria for what they are happy with and looking for. Just have to find the right one.

Don't give up.

 

I agree.

 

It's certainly not the typical single woman dating circumstance, and sure, many men, especially childless ones, may not want that, but some would and some men who also have children or are divorcees as well would have a better understanding. It's about being honest about your situation and finding someone who accepts it. That's what dating is for everyone. Men accepting of your situation may not be a dime a dozen, but it's not impossible. You're not the first divorced woman with multiple kids who has gone on to date or even remarry.

[MsJayne]

Online dating is ugly for anyone, it's very superficial and there are a lot of creeps lurking about those sites. In Oz we have a thing called Parents Without Partners, and I'm sure that other countries would have similar groups. Maybe see if you could get involved with one of those groups?

Whatever, you're only young, and somewhere out there is a guy who loves kids and will see you as the winner that you are. Six kids and single parenthood would see a lot of women go down in a ball of flames, but you've made a successful life under seriously tough circumstances, you should be proud of yourself.

[bathtub-row]

I have a friend who's handicapped and can only use her arms. She thought she'd never find anyone, but she has. They've been dating for a couple of years now and plan to marry.

 

Guys who are super family oriented would likely see you and your kids as a fantastic blessing. Don't give up.

 

Btw, congrats on finding the strength to leave your ex. That was a very brave thing to do. It's not something that most people could do. I hope you'll always be proud of yourself for that.

[oldshirt]

You sound like you are living a good life. Keep living a good life and good things will continue to happen. Love will be one of them :-)

[blackcat777]

Your previous relationship sounds like it must have been a very traumatic experience... Don't let temporary frustrations make you give up, or lose sight of how incredibly strong you must be to keep your head up and create your own success in life.

 

Eventually you'll meet a guy who will appreciate that in you.

 

And anyone who doesn't, don't take it personally... just next them!

[Dis]

Hun, you sound like an amazing woman

 

I kind of believe we control our destiny to some degree...so if you want a partner be patient and keep at it

 

Yes a woman with 6 kids may not be right for some men but that doesnt mean there arent men out there who it wouldnt work out with

 

You've been through so much....I can imagine you must have aquired alot of strength from your experiences...use that strength to keep pursuing your dream of finding a partner

 

Dating takes time...be patient and good things will come

[Satu]

I also think you're an amazing woman.

 

Don't give up.

 

It can take a long time for anyone to find the right person.

 

You just have to keep going until you do.

 

 

Take care.

[Cherryz]

Its great to hear you got out of that situation and finish your school.

It scared me too while reading that you have 6 kids and 32.

 

What was the hurry to get married at such young age, you barely even know what love is at such age.

 

You say you have been true alot, your oldest is 15, and you happy now.

So why would you want to mess that up?

Have you take any time thinking what it could mean for someone to be with you?

And if it dont workout , how more stress and drama it will be for your kids again?

 

You sure can find a good men in your situation. But having kids even if its 1, you should be more careful and think good about your choices.

I think its better for you to wait with having a new men in your life till your youngest is

18 or at least 16.

Because kids are vulnerable, and you should be careful with the choices you make.

And having 6 is alot of work and you should have a eye on all of them to meet their needs as a parent.

Focus on traveling, doing nice things with friends and family and your kids, and invest in your kids. And charity. And working on your self esteem and how to say no and read books about relationships etc. so you can be much better prepared for the next relationships.

And just socialize instead of dating. Go to events, get to know new people and keep

them as just friends. Use that time to just to get to know them.

[Toodaloo]

I am older than you and have no kids and never been married and people think there is something wrong with me so ya know what? Doesn't matter which end of the scale you are on! There is always someone who will thing its weird or make it into an excuse... simple fact is that those people are just not for you anyway.

 

Accept that life is good. Accept that you have 6 great children and a lovely life. Accept that some guys would love that and accept that some guys will not.

 

Its life.

 

Don't worry. Just be yourself and the right one will come along.

 

Yes - it is worth trying.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am older than you and have no kids and never been married and people think there is something wrong with me so ya know what? Doesn't matter which end of the scale you are on! There is always someone who will thing its weird or make it into an excuse... simple fact is that those people are just not for you anyway.

 

Accept that life is good. Accept that you have 6 great children and a lovely life. Accept that some guys would love that and accept that some guys will not.

 

Its life.

 

Don't worry. Just be yourself and the right one will come along.

 

Yes - it is worth trying.

 

 

Same here. People think that there is something very wrong with me because of no kids/no ex husbands.

 

I don't see why you would not be able to find love OP - it's very admirable that you have gotten your life together after all you have been thorugh.

[chumly]

yes, there will definitely be those that are turned off by that but I believe there are those that will accept that too.:bunny:

 

In all honesty..it seems like the first thing most notice on dating sites is the attractiveness of the person as superficial as that sounds, that does seem to be the case... so since you said you are attractive I dont think you will have a problem finding someone who will accept your situation eventually.

 

Like others have said, perhaps searching for a dating site that caters to single parents might be a good idea.

 

Dont give up. You are still young and you will find someone. Hang in there:)

[adna89]

yeah to be honest,someone would have to be very much in love to accept 6 kids

 

no offense,but thats a huge change

[ChocolateRain]

OP i can only agree with others here ...you are truly amazing in what you have accomplished so far and all this with 6 kids ... i bow !!!

 

truly sorry for all those stupid people you had to encounter , but i believe there is hope ...

i can only wish the best for you and best of luck in finding a Mate

[Cherryz]

PS: Have you thought that the new men may want some kids of his own too?

At least one maybe, specially if he have no kids of his own yet? Whats your thinking about that?

[JoeSmith357-1]

6 kids really is going to be a huge detriment to a serious relationship. I don't know anyone... let me stress, ANYONE who would be willing to get into a serious relationship with someone with that many kids.

 

Because with that many kids comes huge time and financial commitments.

 

It sucks, I know, but it's the reality.

 

BUT, there are always guys who want sex, and if you are just after a good time, and can FIND the time to just bang, there are dudes that will take care of those needs

[salparadise]

My daughter had some friends in high school who belonged to a blended family. There were nine kids total if my memory is correct. From what I could tell it seemed like it was working out great for them. So yes, it's possible and you should definitely not be fatalistic about it. There are also going to be guys with no kids already who be open enough to accept yours. Anything is possible.

 

That being said, your pool of prospects is going to be smaller because some guy just aren't interested in raising a troupe of kids that aren't of their own making, or who would only want one or two regardless of who fathered them. This is the reality––it's not one way or the other, it's somewhere in between.

 

What you have to do is filter for the ones who would be accepting of your kids, and not just for dating, but marriage too... assuming that's your objective. What you have to be careful about is wasting your time on someone who's just in it for good times and sex. I'd say your best chances are with divorced men who also have kids, and love family life. But you never know, someone else could surprise you too. The main thing is to stay positive and believe in possibilities.

[central]

Six kids will deter the vast majority of men. However, you only need ONE man. He still has to meet all the right criteria for you, of course, and vice versa. Statistically, it implies a long search - but luck plays a role. You could meet someone much sooner - rather than later. But it won't happen if you don't try.

[JoeSmith357-1]

Six kids will deter the vast majority of men. However, you only need ONE man. He still has to meet all the right criteria for you, of course, and vice versa. Statistically, it implies a long search - but luck plays a role. You could meet someone much sooner - rather than later. But it won't happen if you don't try.

 

It's literally a needle in a haystack type of scenario which would lead to her finding a guy long term.

 

And the guy probably has some serious issues himself. (Desperate, etc)

[Toodaloo]

It's literally a needle in a haystack type of scenario which would lead to her finding a guy long term.

 

And the guy probably has some serious issues himself. (Desperate, etc)

 

Joe it is all luck... it really is.

 

You would think that a single, happy, healthy, not bad looking, practical, independent woman with her own home, car etc, who can pay her own way on dates and enjoys blow jobs and has very little baggage that she is carrying around would find it easy... I have a very long list of reasons why I am a fantastic person. I have a very sort list of why I am not... Its not easy for anyone.

 

Its all luck, meeting the right sort of person, at the right time, managing to avoid all the pitfalls etc...

[Toodaloo]

I actually think OP that you have a good chance. I have a vision of you meeting a fantastic single Dad while cheering on one of your kids in a school sports game or something like that.