Asking her about her past - fair or not?

[Nights King]

Things are getting a little bit serious with my girlfriend and I need to make a decision if I want to take it to the next stage or not (moving in together). But before I can do so there are things (events in the past) which I need answers for.

 

To help, a quick timeline of how we've known each other:

 

• Met around 2+ years ago
  
• Began dating for 5 months
  
• We had a fight, she suddenly cut me off with no reason given at all.
  
• After two weeks of trying to reach her, I gave up.
  
• 1 whole year passes and she gets back in contact with me.
  
• We began dating again and have been together now for about a year
  

When she first got back in contact with me, I asked the obvious questions: why message me now, what happened back then, etc. Her answers were very vague - she didn't want to admit or reveal anything. Her main response has been that she couldn't remember what happened and everything was fuzzy. Needless to say, that's utter BS. But it was apparent that she was very sorry for what happened and kinda' embarassed for acting the way she did.

 

She's always urged me to look ahead and not hold her past mistakes against her. She does seem to have matured a little bit and her attitudes on certain things have changed. Or so it appears. She does have moments which remind me of the old days and how difficult she can be. But I let things progress and we continued having fun. I thought why not. Just go with the flow and enjoy it.

 

Then about 3 months ago she went through a rough patch where she was very emotional, "fed up" with life, etc. It was then I discovered that she had apparently suffered from depression in the period we were apart. Something happened to trigger this, but again, she's refused to discuss what exactly happened.

 

So, to my question: am I right to dig into her past to A) find out what happened when she cut me off without warning, and B) what she suffered depression from so I know what I'm up against should I decide to stick with her. I feel I'm justifed in asking. And not just asking, but demanding. She wants me to commit to her, but how can I when there are so many blank patches in her past that I don't know about?

 

Your thoughts, please.

Edited June 30, 2016 by Nights King

[smackie9]

If she doesn't want to give up too many details at this time that's her business. But you should encourage open honest communication, especially in regards to her depression. Let her know you wish to work together on this, not hide it and when it manifests itself all hell breaks loose causing more problems that could have been avoided. Just don't keep needling her, make sure she gets comfortable with you and build trust. Relationships are always a work in progress.

[Satu]

snip

 

So, to my question: am I right to dig into her past to A) find out what happened when she cut me off without warning, and B) what she suffered depression from so I know what I'm up against should I decide to stick with her. I feel I'm justifed in asking. And not just asking, but demanding. She wants me to commit to her, but how can I when there are so many blank patches in her past that I don't know about?

 

Your thoughts, please.

You don't have the right to 'demand' to know anything she doesn't want to tell you.

 

Privacy is a very fundamental human right, and one that should be respected.

 

Ask if you want to, but don't imagine that you have the right to make her answer.

 

You don't.

[Nights King]

If she doesn't want to give up too many details at this time that's her business. But you should encourage open honest communication, especially in regards to her depression. Let her know you wish to work together on this, not hide it and when it manifests itself all hell breaks loose causing more problems that could have been avoided. Just don't keep needling her, make sure she gets comfortable with you and build trust. Relationships are always a work in progress.

 

Hi, thanks for the reply.

 

It's worth mentioning that I was kinda' already aware of her instabilities way before she told me she was actually treated with depression. And for that reason, I think I've done as you've suggested. It's been a year since we've been back together, and during this period I've encouraged her to be open and honest with me. I've never grilled her. I've always approached the topic very carefully without putting any pressure on her. I've even shared many of my past experiences and the difficult things that I'd gone through also (with ex girlfriends, etc), just to make her feel more comfortable and open with me.

 

But it hasn't worked. And I feel like I'm beginning to waste time on a relationship that may not have the potential to go anywhere. She wants commitment from me, but how can I give her that when she still isn't willing to explain what happened in the past?

[Nights King]

snip

 

You don't have the right to 'demand' to know anything she doesn't want to tell you.

 

Privacy is a very fundamental human right, and one that should be respected.

 

Ask if you want to, but don't imagine that you have the right to make her answer.

 

You don't.

 

You don't think I have the right to know why she cut me off in the first place? At a time where she wants commitment from me to advance the relationship?

[Satu]

*You don't think I have the right to know why she cut me off in the first place? At a time where she wants commitment from me to advance the relationship?

 

*In an absolute sense, no; you don't.

 

You have the right to ask, but thats all.

[RecentChange]

Sounds pretty rocky to me. Maybe others can chime in and prove me wrong, but I have never heard of these in again off again relationships working in the long run.

 

You two do not have a clear line of communication, she has shut you off in the past without explanation.

 

Do you really want to be in a relationship where you are hitting these rough patches so frequently? Many spend the first several years in honey moon phase - instead it sounds like you have been on a rollercoaster.

 

Personally i do not like that much drama and upheaval in my life. I certainly wouldn't expect things to get better after moving in together.

[mortensorchid]

I don't think the underline concern is what happened and why with her, but why you took her back to begin with. Are you afraid of being alone? Do you not want to put effort forth into finding someone new? Having taken her back, do you think that things are going to be any different / better? And now that you have, what is the future plan for the both of you?

 

I have a friend who I will call Larry. He and I have been friends for many years, and he has had a gf for about as long as I have known him. His gf is a loser and an a******. She left him after living with him for about three years for some guy she was cheating on him with, she had left once or twice before and stayed away for a few days / weeks at a time. Nine years ago, she left for good - in that she moved out of the house. Two years later, she called him and said that she made a mistake with the man she left him for. He took her back, and she has moved back into his house with him.

 

What do I think? I think he took her back because he didn't want to be alone and because he was not about to put forth an effort to meet someone else. If he has seen anyone else after she left during that two year stretch, I don't know about it. Things are the same between them. But I am just as bent out of shape about him as I am about her. The whole problem the first time is / was that he was not marrying her. Well, he STILL isn't marrying her. And he never will as far as I can see. I want to say to him "Listen, it's time you make this official. Neither of you is going to leave one another for a variety of reasons here. You might as well just DO IT." But they never will. What is your plan with her now that you have taken her back?

[Nights King]

*In an absolute sense, no; you don't.

 

You have the right to ask, but thats all.

 

If our relationship was fine as it is and there weren't any expectations from her to move things forward, then I would agree with you.

 

But that's not the case. I know what she's like: her hints/requests to give more thought on moving together, will soon turn more frequent and demanding. With this in mind, I believe I have a right to know why she cut me off previously.

[Nights King]

Sounds pretty rocky to me. Maybe others can chime in and prove me wrong, but I have never heard of these in again off again relationships working in the long run.

 

You two do not have a clear line of communication, she has shut you off in the past without explanation.

 

Do you really want to be in a relationship where you are hitting these rough patches so frequently? Many spend the first several years in honey moon phase - instead it sounds like you have been on a rollercoaster.

 

Personally i do not like that much drama and upheaval in my life. I certainly wouldn't expect things to get better after moving in together.

 

'Do you really want to be in a relationship where you are hitting these rough patches so frequently'

 

Exactly.

 

I can be honest with myself. I'm not naive enough to think everything will be fine. It's going to be incredibly tough. And considering her track-record with me isn't the best, I don't have much faith in moving this forward with here - particularly if I don't even know what happened back then.

[RecentChange]

Relationships do not have to be incredibly tough. With the right person, honestly it comes naturally and brings a lot more joy than hardship to your life.

 

From the little you have told us here, this doesn't sound like the right person for you.

 

And honestly I do think you deserve to know why she ghosted you. I think that is reasonable to ask, and if she is so uncomfortable being honest with you...... well, that is certainly not a good sign.

[Satu]

If our relationship was fine as it is and there weren't any expectations from her to move things forward, then I would agree with you.

 

But that's not the case. I know what she's like: her hints/requests to give more thought on moving together, will soon turn more frequent and demanding. With this in mind, I believe *I have a right to know why she cut me off previously.

 

*No you don't.

 

You really want to know. You have a 100% valid reason to want to know. I'd probably feel the same, but you don't have the right to know.

 

Keep asking as much as you want. You can ask her 20 times a day if you want, but you don't have the right to make her tell you anything.

 

 

"Privacy is a fundamental right, essential to autonomy and the protection of human dignity, serving as the foundation upon which many other human rights are built."

 

"Privacy enables us to create barriers and manage boundaries to protect ourselves from unwarranted interference in our lives, which allows us to negotiate who we are and how we want to interact with the world around us. Privacy helps us establish boundaries to limit who has access to our bodies, places and things, as well as our communications and our information."

 

Source.

 

 

Take care.

[Nights King]

I don't think the underline concern is what happened and why with her, but why you took her back to begin with. Are you afraid of being alone? Do you not want to put effort forth into finding someone new? Having taken her back, do you think that things are going to be any different / better? And now that you have, what is the future plan for the both of you?

 

I have a friend who I will call Larry. He and I have been friends for many years, and he has had a gf for about as long as I have known him. His gf is a loser and an a******. She left him after living with him for about three years for some guy she was cheating on him with, she had left once or twice before and stayed away for a few days / weeks at a time. Nine years ago, she left for good - in that she moved out of the house. Two years later, she called him and said that she made a mistake with the man she left him for. He took her back, and she has moved back into his house with him.

 

What do I think? I think he took her back because he didn't want to be alone and because he was not about to put forth an effort to meet someone else. If he has seen anyone else after she left during that two year stretch, I don't know about it. Things are the same between them. But I am just as bent out of shape about him as I am about her. The whole problem the first time is / was that he was not marrying her. Well, he STILL isn't marrying her. And he never will as far as I can see. I want to say to him "Listen, it's time you make this official. Neither of you is going to leave one another for a variety of reasons here. You might as well just DO IT." But they never will. What is your plan with her now that you have taken her back?

 

To answer your questions:

 

Are you afraid of being alone? - Hmm, I wouldn't say I'm afraid of being alone. I've been through long periods where I've been single and it hadn't been a problem for me. However, I do enjoy spending time with her - she's fun, entertaining, and I am attracted to her in many ways.

 

Do you not want to put effort forth into finding someone new? - Initially, I didn't think I'd need to. She came back in my life and we hit it off again. It was fun and I liked the feeling. There wasn't much preassure on me (until recently) and we both just enjoyed our company a lot.

 

Having taken her back, do you think that things are going to be any different / better? - She's adament that they will. She's told me she's changed and doesn't think like she does before. I know that's not what you're asking. But, I do see hints of her having improved and being regretful of what happened before. I think what she experienced could have changed her outlook/approach to things. Does that alone give me confidence/faith that it will work? To be honest, no. I can't take her word for it. Not on something which, to this day, I don't even know what happened.

 

What is the future plan for the both of you? - If I do give it a shot, the plans are to move in together. Either that, or I drag it out longer (as I am right now) without knowing if there's a future for us.

 

What is your plan with her now that you have taken her back? - I feel like I need to know what happened two years ago (for her to cut me off) in order to make a decision to stick with her or not. I've always believed the past is there for a reason. It's certainly not to forget.

 

 

And with regards to your friend, it sounds like a very prolonged, dramatised version of my current predicament.

[Satu]

I think you should question whether its workable for you to progress forward in this relationship, if you don't get your questions answered to your satisfaction.

 

You want more transparency and disclosure, and I would too.

 

But it isn't happening, and thats the sticking point.

 

It's looking like it might be a deal-breaker for you.

 

But only you know if it is.

[Nights King]

I think you should question whether its workable for you to progress forward in this relationship, if you don't get your questions answered to your satisfaction.

 

You want more transparency and disclosure, and I would too.

 

But it isn't happening, and thats the sticking point.

 

It's looking like it might be a deal-breaker for you.

 

But only you know if it is.

 

It's currently looking that way. I do feel like I've given her enough time (a whole year) to get comfortable with me to discuss this, but it's not progressing anywhere.

[Chief Wiggum]

*No you don't.

 

You really want to know. You have a 100% valid reason to want to know. I'd probably feel the same, but you don't have the right to know.

 

Keep asking as much as you want. You can ask her 20 times a day if you want, but you don't have the right to make her tell you anything.

 

 

"Privacy is a fundamental right, essential to autonomy and the protection of human dignity, serving as the foundation upon which many other human rights are built."

 

"Privacy enables us to create barriers and manage boundaries to protect ourselves from unwarranted interference in our lives, which allows us to negotiate who we are and how we want to interact with the world around us. Privacy helps us establish boundaries to limit who has access to our bodies, places and things, as well as our communications and our information."

 

Source.

 

 

Take care.

 

He absolutely does have the right to know. From the sounds of the things she ended things with him the first time round without providing ANY closure. And now she gets back in contact to not only spark another romantic relationship with him but to ALSO make him commit to living together!

 

With that in consideration, demanding to know why she buggered him off the first time round is the very least thing he should do. I personally think it's awful of her not to explain herself THEN and even worse to not bother explaining herself NOW.

[Nights King]

Relationships do not have to be incredibly tough. With the right person, honestly it comes naturally and brings a lot more joy than hardship to your life.

 

I couldn't agree more. I sometimes think that if you're genuinely into the other person and trust them like you should, then you go out of your way to accommodate them and put their concerns to ease, etc.

 

From the little you have told us here, this doesn't sound like the right person for you.

 

And honestly I do think you deserve to know why she ghosted you. I think that is reasonable to ask, and if she is so uncomfortable being honest with you...... well, that is certainly not a good sign.

 

If I do decide to end it soon, then I am concerned about her well-being. She's already unstable to an extent. What if I aggrevate her depression?

[Satu]

It's currently looking that way. I do feel like I've given her enough time (a whole year) to get comfortable with me to discuss this, but it's not progressing anywhere.

 

It might be that there are some things that she just doesn't feel able to talk about, because it would be too upsetting, or make her feel ashamed.

 

Its often the case when somebody has been through a severe trauma.

 

Is that a possibility, do you think?

[Nights King]

He absolutely does have the right to know. From the sounds of the things she ended things with him the first time round without providing ANY closure. And now she gets back in contact to not only spark another romantic relationship with him but to ALSO make him commit to living together!

 

With that in consideration, demanding to know why she buggered him off the first time round is the very least thing he should do. I personally think it's awful of her not to explain herself THEN and even worse to not bother explaining herself NOW.

 

Yeah, but I've always felt I had to handle it delicately so that A) I don't hurt her, and B) gain her trust enough so that she could open up to me on her own accord.

 

That plan doesn't seem to be working.

[Satu]

He absolutely does have the right to know. From the sounds of the things she ended things with him the first time round without providing ANY closure. And now she gets back in contact to not only spark another romantic relationship with him but to ALSO make him commit to living together!

 

With that in consideration, demanding to know why she buggered him off the first time round is the very least thing he should do. I personally think it's awful of her not to explain herself THEN and even worse to not bother explaining herself NOW.

 

Sorry, but you don't understand what a right is.

[Nights King]

It might be that there are some things that she just doesn't feel able to talk about, because it would be too upsetting, or make her feel ashamed.

 

Its often the case when somebody has been through a severe trauma.

 

Is that a possibility, do you think?

 

It is possible.

 

Because in our previous round of serious discussions where I again re-iterated the need for clarity, she pulled the "I honestly don't rememeber, it's the in the past" card. And when explaining to her why it was important for me to know, I reminded her of some of the things she said and done in the final fight. Half-way through she stopped me and told me not to say anymore.

 

So yes, she does feel ashamed by it. And needless to say, she does remember all of it.

[Chief Wiggum]

Sorry, but you don't understand what a right is.

 

What do you mean?

[Satu]

What do you mean?

 

Exactly what I said: You don't understand what a right is.

[RecentChange]

 

If I do decide to end it soon, then I am concerned about her well-being. She's already unstable to an extent. What if I aggrevate her depression?

 

All the more reason not get involved. I have been there, loving someone who suffers from depression.

 

YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER MENTAL HEALTH OR HAPPINESS.

 

Trying to twist yourself into knots to keep her stable isn't the answer.

 

When the next conflict comes along, are you going to be worried about speaking your mind because of her mental health? If things get worse, and you need to break up, are you going to stay even though it's the wrong thing to do because of her mental health?

 

If she can't handle you breaking up with her now - will she be healthy enough later?

 

I understand your compassion and empathy. But the truth is not everyone is in a head space where they can have a healthy relationship. You shouldn't sacrifice your mental health and happiness because you are worried about hers (which you can't control).

 

She is depressed and can't handle a break up is a bad reason to stay. You can encourage counseling for her, but don't sacrifice yourself for her.

[phineas]

You don't think I have the right to know why she cut me off in the first place? At a time where she wants commitment from me to advance the relationship?

 

She either ended up in a mental institution or she was with another man.

She contacted you because she was either released or the other man dropped her.

 

I personally would not take the next step with a woman like this.

Hell, I would never of taken back a chick that fell off the face of the earth for a yr.