If it feels like I'm doing the right thing, why am I so reluctant

[heiho]

Hi all, I'm new I'm struggling with my decision to leave -why? when I know it's the right thing to do? I could really use some guidance or something, I'm not even sure, even just to talk it out a bit. I dunno but... I feel like my deadline is today, I'm panicking

 

If I leave my current CL (common-law partner) of 4 years, I need to take my home back, so in-order for me to do so I have to actually "first" fill out a 2 month eviction notice to my tenants (which I feel tremendously horrible about), and I haven't even done that yet - let alone today would be the ideal day to deliver it - the day before the 1st, or else I'd be just prolonging it each month. I know by taking this step, there's no turning back. I'm uprooting their life, and my own. I suck!

 

Firstly I just want to say, that my CL is a very nice/stable guy (we get along comfortably), but I've come to learn that we are not compatible emotionally. I feel so bad boring you with details so in-as short of a version as I can, things that are eating away at me the most: In 4 years he has not bonded with my young daughter, I have never felt I can read him - which in turn I feel I am unable to feel more deeply connected to him, he tends to blame everyone else, since I met him he rarely inquires about my day (but talks about his days/himself freely - I did notice this as a red flag back then, darn, but it's the only flag I seen), our foundation was completely cracked last year when my Mom passed away and because we got into a small tiff about something - he gave me the silent treatment for a month 2 days after she died. There is more, but I'll start with that.... I was leaving him last year, but he asked for another chance. It's been 9 extra months now, we do get along fine yet monotonously; I'm still not seeing him try to take steps to get more interested in our (myself&daughter) daily life, or try to gain insight into empathy. I'm not the type to hold in feelings either, so he does know my concerns. He's not a bad man at all!! he just seems... I don't know - blah?! I've never come across a personality like this. I guess the question I continue to come up with is, will he be there for me or my kids if we got ill or something happened. I tend to overthink, I know if I were to stay then I'm accepting, if I go I'm forcing a family out of my house and I admit I'm fearful too for the unknown -I'm no spring chickie anymore lol

 

Thank you so much for reading

[Satu]

He's "emotionally unavailable."

 

Just google that term, and you'll find a lot to read.

 

Natalie Lue has written about it in depth.

 

Do what you have to do.

 

 

Take care.

[Mr. Lucky]

I tend to overthink, I know if I were to stay then I'm accepting, if I go I'm forcing a family out of my house and I admit I'm fearful too for the unknown -I'm no spring chickie anymore lol

 

You've referred to this peripherally - does he have kids living with you?

 

Do you think he'd be blindsided by this? If so, might be a sign you haven't thoroughly discussed it with him...

 

Mr. Lucky

[heiho]

Thanks Satu, I did google a bunch of stuff over the months and that came up as well "emotionally unavailable" There are definitely signs of that, but not in its entirety I don't think? Such as he does say he loves me, he does listen and remember things I say (tho acting on them - not always), we are living together, he speaks in terms of "we/us", I do think he's loyal etc.. Then I stumbled upon another possibility: Alexithymia. I could be pushing it there though. Other terms that came up in my search of course are Narcissm, but I don't think so.

 

Mr. Lucky, what did you mean by peripherally, I do know what it means, just not putting the two together, but thank you for pointing it out. He has one teenage son, thing is in the beginning he could see how much my kids meant to me, so he tried very hard to include his son, but it was obvious his son was very troubled, once we moved in together he skirted having him over for 2.5 years. That was distressing as well - I didn't like that, I loved having the boys from my sons life over - my house was always busy with kids.. anyway even though I kind of understood (cause he looked helpless around his son, his son was verbally abusive, temper-tantrums -yes as a teen too, lying/stealing, breaking his things, threatening etc CL did nothing tho, he let him, then would give in any buy him whatever he wanted. Sigh) I still urged him to see him, have him over, and catch this before his son got too old.

 

And no he wouldn't be blindsided, I'm very upfront and honest with my feelings.. when I told him I had plans to move in a couple of months I could see hurt which he tried to hide, and he asked me not to go, that he loved me. But that's about all he said, then he tried to divert the conversation as well by talking about a movie. When I asked him why he was doing that, he said to try and make this a happier conversation So many little puzzling reactions like once when I could see he was in deep thought over finances and clearly troubled I approached asking if he needed a hug, his response "what does a hug solve". I would say he avoids, withdraws, holds everything in, and he is really good at carrying on as if nothing happened. My heart aches for him too, because like I said he's not a bad guy, but his lack of emotions/empathy, social cues, has shed light on the possibility that there is something quite deep going on here? My daughter is beginning to ask if he even likes her, there is barely any interaction between the two of them... and bailing on me when I lost my Mom - heartbreaking. There is more, but I'm trying so hard not to make this a boring novel.

[Mr. Lucky]

Mr. Lucky, what did you mean by peripherally, I do know what it means, just not putting the two together, but thank you for pointing it out.

 

You said a couple of times "I'm forcing a family out of my house" but never mentioned anyone other than your SO. Wasn't sure who "family" referred to.

 

I'd just make sure any decision you're making isn't unduly influenced by your understandable grief over losing your Mother. Some of his inability to emote and connect falls under the heading of typical male strong/silent type. There are certainly upsides and downsides to that approach...

 

Mr. Lucky

[heiho]

Mr. Lucky: The family I'd be forcing out is my tenants in the home I own, essentially I'd be moving out from where I am with SO, evicting my tenants, and taking back my house. I've felt bad about this maneuver.

 

I was also thinking the same thing, that my thoughts may be muddled with the death of my Mom, that's why I agreed to give him another chance when he asked for one. But 9 months later - I think my grief is no longer muddling my mind. I'm really not sure this is a simple case of "strong/silent" type. I know those types of men, they don't let people walk all over them. Usually men in this category are extremely male and "strong" in personality. I was hoping someone else has had experience with men who seem to be void from emotions. Maybe it was his upbringing??! Father ditched them, didn't want anything to do with them, even after he searched for the father, he doesn't speak to his mother - hates her in-fact.

 

Anyways, thanks for all your replies. My tenant so nicely made this event sooo much easier for me - they're behind in rent once again! So an eviction is imminent.

 

I do not believe anyone should settle, especially if kids are feeling neglected as well within a family environment. I think there's something very strange with someone who can bail and not talk to you after finding out someone dies just because we got into a small tiff. His longest silent treatment - 3 months!! That's weird! I have tried to understand this behaviour and give as much benefit of the doubt as I can, because I don't think he's a bad man, and I do believe he loves me - that's why I've been reluctant. But I have my 10 year old to think of too, and our future looks very lonely if I stay. I cannot tell you how hard it is when you can't just simply grieve because you're also immersed in thoughts around a selfish BF. My best friend died from Cancer, her BF left her mid way - the turmoil she went through when really all she should have been thinking of is fighting or loving those around her was masked with boyfriend troubles. I never ever want that! Obviously our emotional insides just don't click. I'm a passionate woman. Truth be told, this isn't my hardest battle.. I'm also a widow, I lost my husband whom I was married to for over two decades. My current SO is my first relationship after that loss, and I guess I chose someone who was completely opposite - calm - thinking this would be less drama lol. My husband was a social, busy, opinionated, strong man, who was quite verbal and passionate - I guess without knowing it, maybe I initially was diverting when I met SO. Cause as we all know, passionate men are a ton of fun, laughter, and rough times too! haha, they are something I tell you... but he was always the type that had my back - didn't matter how mad he was at me, something as significant as a death wouldn't stop him from trying to protect me from the pain. And I am the same person. I would drop everything, I would put whatever troubles on hold and be there for my SO. I can't live with maybe he might be there. Maybe he'll be by my bedside when I'm sick... maybe. I'm too old for that crap honestly. I gave it my best shot, I tried my best to understand and be very open.... and it's just not happening.

 

I really, really appreciate you guys for letting me vent and type this out. I think I needed to do this to get that last kink straightened out in my mind. Truthfully reading my dribble - sure brings some feelings to light

[TennisGal]

A fact of life in renting someone's home is that the rental comes to an end. You should not feel that you are forcing a family out. They know it's your home and they are renting it from you.

 

If their lease is up and they are renting month-to-month, you have every right to give them notice. That's not an eviction, it's just notice. If their lease is not up, you probably will have to rent for a while until it is.

[ShatteredLady]

I'm so very sorry. You sound like a lovely, thoughtful lady. I find it intolerable to have ANY silent treatment! It's a childish form of abuse, it really is. It's cruel & until you've experienced it you just don't know how horrible it is.

 

I feel so bad for you.

 

My husband is incredibly passive aggressive & ive realized lately that I've allowed him to be that way but your issues are so much bigger. Doing that to you after your mothers death is unconscionable! It truly is.

 

Leaving is a huge thing. It sounds to me like you've spent a very long time analyzing this to the very best of your ability. I think you know that it's over & you just need to write here to get it out. That's fine. We're here to listen.

 

Best wishes with the rest of your life.