She won't commit...why?

[confusedgirl290]

I have been in a 'quasi' relationship for about a year now with a girl, lets call her 'Brenda'. Things started off wonderful. We met and became instant friends...talking for hours on the phone, getting to know each other. It was a connection I have never really experienced before. As we got to know each other as friends, another mutual friend suggested that we all move in together and be roommates. I was excited about the prospect...they were great girls and I saw not issue in living with them. A few weeks after we all agreed to live together...Brenda told me one night that she had feelings for me. I realized at that moment that I had very strong feelings for her too. I suggested that we not live together and that we pursue dating. She agreed initially, but changed her mind, stating that we had made a commitment to a third party and we should honor that. I was disappointed, but I agreed. While we waited to move in, we would go on dates and kiss and hangout...both of us agreeing that once we moved in, we would stop and try to just be friends. When move in day came...she changed her mind again. She said she wanted to be more than friends, that she had feelings for me and wanted to see where it might go. I agreed because I was starting to fall for her and I felt like having her in my life like this was better than just being friends. So we began to "date"...she asked to keep it a secret...I reluctantly did because I didn't want to lose her. She told me she had commitment issues...and was afraid of being tied down...so I didn't pressure her initially for anything more. The first few months were great...and I felt like we were falling in love. And then things began to change. She began to change her mind frequently about what she wanted. One day she would say she wanted to be in a relationship with me...and then the next day she would talk about feeling trapped and wanting to date other people. One day she would talk about how much she loved me...how much she always wanted to be with me...how much she wanted to marry me. And then the next day she would become distant and talk about not wanting to be tied down. It left me confused...hurt...and disappointed.

 

About 7 months into this...Brenda and I had a wonderful weekend with her family. After that, she told me she was in love with me and wanted to officially be my girlfriend. I was ecstatic. The thing I had been waiting for for so long had finally happened. I was in love with her and I had never been happier. This lasted for a few weeks. And then she began to get upset with me about silly things. I didn't shower one night before she came home and she got upset and called me disgusting and lazy (it doesn't happen often...but i'd had a long day and was tired). And other really small things started to bother her until she started to become distant again and told me she was feeling trapped and wanted to date other people. She said "I still want you...but i want to be able to date other people too".

 

It was crushing. I felt like I had finally felt comfortable to expect something real from her only to be left disappointed. I told her I couldn't date her if she wanted to be with other people and we broke up.

 

A few days later...she apologized. Said she was being crazy and felt scared and we got back together. This pattern continued. She kept changing her mind and going back and forth about what she wanted.

 

Recently, I have noticed that I'm beginning to take on personality traits that I never possessed before and it worries me. I never used to be jealous...and I find myself constantly wondering if she might meet someone she wants to date more than me and I don't like this new side of myself.

 

I explained this to her and I told her that I was in love with her and wanted to be with her...but only if she was 100% ready to give this a shot and commit to being a partner with me. She said she wasn't ready...that she wants to date other people and has always wanted to date other people. So we officially ended things. After a year. I was crushed.

 

The difficulty of this situation comes from a few places:

 

1. We still live together and I am finding the process of getting over someone I still see constantly difficult

2. She continues to ask me to cuddle, sleep together, do things for her, and be intimate. Which I am increasingly tempted to do because I am so in love with her.

3. I don't really have anyone to talk to about it, because she asked me to keep this all a secret

 

I'm not really sure what to do or how to feel about her now

[Zahara]

1. We still live together and I am finding the process of getting over someone I still see constantly difficult

 

Of course. You need to create distance and no contact. Move out. What happens when she brings another man home one day?

 

2. She continues to ask me to cuddle, sleep together, do things for her, and be intimate. Which I am increasingly tempted to do because I am so in love with her.

 

Yes, she wants the benefits of a relationship, minus the commitment. You're a soft and safe place to land, just not someone she wants to commit with.

 

3. I don't really have anyone to talk to about it, because she asked me to keep this all a secret

 

That's because she knows that what she's doing is wrong. She's hoping you'll stay submissive and keep giving into her needs. Speaking to people about it will move you into the right direction because I guarantee you she knows that the consensus would be to cut the cord, detach and move on.

[LostOnes05]

You don't owe her anything! Why do anything for a person who couldn't do one thing for you? Letting her overstep your boundaries got you here in the first place...you don't owe it to her to keep anything a secret. But don't cave in to her wishes and move out as soon as possible.

[tomatome]

You need to get out of this situation. My advice is to run, run quickly. The longer this situation lasts, the more it is going to hurt in the end. And you should talk to someone about it, because they would give you the same advice as I am giving you here.

 

The title of your thread is, why won’t she commit? Likely there are two possibilities, although don’t try to psychoanalyze her or discuss this with her: a). She is really not that into you but you’re a nice guy who makes her feel better about herself, or b). She has some serious mental issues that make her insecure or give her a strong sense of abandonment. Maybe she is really not willing to commit, and that’s fine, but I think most people would respect your feelings and not toy with you.

 

I don't mean to insult your feelings, but it is likely that your love for her is not completely real. She attracts you and pulls you in, you feel euphoric. Then she pulls away and you feel the withdrawal. This heightens your desire for her as you are hungering for the next fix. Already this has made you insecure when she is not around and you are seeking validation (‘the fix’) again that the relationship does indeed exist. A good relationship makes you feel secure.

 

Her behavior will continue indefinitely until perhaps she finds someone else who can serve her better, and after how many years, how much will it hurt then? I know because I put up with this hot and cold behavior for almost three years. I won’t hijack this thread with my story, but I can see many parallels in behaviors and my inner feelings with yours. Mine ended badly for me just recently. I wish you all the best.