Satu Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 That is pretty simplified of course, and correct but it's easier said than done. Self-discipline is your friend. 1
Author COOLRYANEXPRESS Posted July 5, 2016 Author Posted July 5, 2016 It really is like drug and it is hard to kick the habit. I have been so bolloxed up for most of the past 5 months that I have actually forgotten what it feels like to be normal. 1
Zahara Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 It really is like drug and it is hard to kick the habit. I have been so bolloxed up for most of the past 5 months that I have actually forgotten what it feels like to be normal. You're never going to be able to feel normal again if you keep staying in contact and checking up on her. Just like a drug addiction, you have to go cold turkey. The withdrawals are the worst but you have to go through to get past. Until you do that and as Satu mentioned - self discipline - you're going to keep recycling your pain. 3
Author COOLRYANEXPRESS Posted July 5, 2016 Author Posted July 5, 2016 I actually wasn't doing too badly and technically I wasn't checking up on her when I drove by. It was the way home and it was just unexpected. You are right about recycling the pain for sure...it feels like I am constantly doing that. 1
Satu Posted July 5, 2016 Posted July 5, 2016 It really is like drug and it is hard to kick the habit. I have been so bolloxed up for most of the past 5 months that I have actually forgotten what it feels like to be normal. I understand that. The way you're feeling isn't unusual. I've been there. You do have to police yourself a bit, though. Before you do anything related to her, ask yourself if what you're thinking of doing will make you feel better, or worse. Checking on where she is and who she's with, will make you feel worse every time. It's a 100% guaranteed downer. Even if you see nothing. It's the act of checking that makes you feel bad. If you can use another route to go home, it would be wise to take it. Think of her as being the peanut to your peanut allergy. No contact. Take care. 2
Author COOLRYANEXPRESS Posted July 5, 2016 Author Posted July 5, 2016 I am a very rational guy and I am amazed at how irrationally I think about this sometimes. Never thought I would wind up like this. Why. can't. I. let. her. go! 1
Zahara Posted July 6, 2016 Posted July 6, 2016 I am a very rational guy and I am amazed at how irrationally I think about this sometimes. Never thought I would wind up like this. Why. can't. I. let. her. go! Unfortunately, when it comes to matters of the heart, rationale goes out the window, especially after an ending. It was a 9.5 year relationship. In the 5 months that you ended with her, you kept in contact. You never allowed yourself to truly grieve and accept your ending but merely slap a bandaid by staying in touch and meeting her. It's going to take quite awhile for you to get through this. You don't just undo a bond that you created for a decade overnight. 3
Author COOLRYANEXPRESS Posted July 7, 2016 Author Posted July 7, 2016 (edited) I have posted about walking away when she dumps you instead of hanging around. I wish I would have done it. I am really on here just to vent but looking for commentary on it as well. My girllfriend left me 5 months ago and I hung around trying to get her back. Spent thousands of dollars on her on various things. We slept together several times. It was the typical rollercoaster.....I would feel good about my chances and then come crashing down...over and over again. She always talked **** about her ex husband...couldn't stand him. They have been divorced for 17 years. Yes...17 years. I have met him several times and seriously had no problem with him. He, my ex's mom and my ex's brother and kids all lived together for years. I never saw anything unusual with this because she is a Latina and their families do that a lot. I was with her for 9.5 years. I mentioned marriage a few times but it was nothing she was really interested in talking about. She has no health insurance and she got sick in 2011 (nothing serious) so she re-married her ex husband to get on his insurance....AND I LET HER! I took her to Montana last December to see her daughter graduate. Her ex was there of course. He stayed behind for 3 days after I had to leave. Everyone else stayed there too. Literally the moment she returned from Montana, she was different. 1 month later, she left. So....for the last 5 months I have been trying to get her to return and all the while she is using me for whatever she can. She has been living with a girlfriend up until last Saturday and I just found out 2 days ago that she has moved back in with her ex husband. She hasn't told me anything other than that we can't see each other anymore. The grown son, who I am close with, lives with his dad (her ex) and has been covering it up and lying for her. I am sure the daughters know too.....how could my ex not tell them she is getting back together with their dad? I feel like this has been planned for a long time as a sort of conspiracy and I was kept in the dark. I feel totally betrayed by all of them. I literally can't believe it. I am so humiliated that she ran back to him after all this time. Wow....how must her ex husband be laughing at me. I really don't know what to do. She doesn't know that I know about this. Confront her? Get pissed and get it all out? Anyone? Edited July 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator paragraph spacing ~6
Zahara Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 The grown son, who I am close with, lives with his dad (her ex) and has been covering it up and lying for her. I am sure the daughters know too.....how could my ex not tell them she is getting back together with their dad? Again, this is all not your business anymore. Understandable that you feel incredibly wronged by it all but leave these kids (even if they are grown) out of it. At the end of the day, they are a family unit and what they do is of no concern to you. They're going to protect their own blood. Wow....how must her ex husband be laughing at me. I really don't know what to do. She doesn't know that I know about this. Confront her? Get pissed and get it all out? Anyone? You've been advised to stay NC. Go back and read your old threads. Confronting isn't going to do anything more but maybe provide another laugh for every one of them. Manage your anger elsewhere. You can't get any sort of relief or acknowledgement from her when she does not care. She's made the decision to go back to her husband and you need to accept that. 1
Redhead14 Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 I have posted about walking away when she dumps you instead of hanging around. I wish I would have done it. I am really on here just to vent but looking for commentary on it as well. My girllfriend left me 5 months ago and I hung around trying to get her back. Spent thousands of dollars on her on various things. We slept together several times. It was the typical rollercoaster.....I would feel good about my chances and then come crashing down...over and over again. She always talked **** about her ex husband...couldn't stand him. They have been divorced for 17 years. Yes...17 years. I have met him several times and seriously had no problem with him. He, my ex's mom and my ex's brother and kids all lived together for years. I never saw anything unusual with this because she is a Latina and their families do that a lot. I was with her for 9.5 years. I mentioned marriage a few times but it was nothing she was really interested in talking about. She has no health insurance and she got sick in 2011 (nothing serious) so she re-married her ex husband to get on his insurance....AND I LET HER! I took her to Montana last December to see her daughter graduate. Her ex was there of course. He stayed behind for 3 days after I had to leave. Everyone else stayed there too. Literally the moment she returned from Montana, she was different. 1 month later, she left. So....for the last 5 months I have been trying to get her to return and all the while she is using me for whatever she can. She has been living with a girlfriend up until last Saturday and I just found out 2 days ago that she has moved back in with her ex husband. She hasn't told me anything other than that we can't see each other anymore. The grown son, who I am close with, lives with his dad (her ex) and has been covering it up and lying for her. I am sure the daughters know too.....how could my ex not tell them she is getting back together with their dad? I feel like this has been planned for a long time as a sort of conspiracy and I was kept in the dark. I feel totally betrayed by all of them. I literally can't believe it. I am so humiliated that she ran back to him after all this time. Wow....how must her ex husband be laughing at me. I really don't know what to do. She doesn't know that I know about this. Confront her? Get pissed and get it all out? Anyone? Go no contact and stay that way. Confront her? You would be setting yourself up for further humiliation. Sure, get pissed but not in front of her. Do it at home, in your own space and time and manage it effectively. Use that energy to focus on other things and start moving forward. Wow....how must her ex husband be laughing at me -- You don't know what he's thinking or doing and it doesn't matter. She's a train wreck and his problem again. all the while she is using me for whatever she can -- So, now you're not being used anymore. Great! 1
Author COOLRYANEXPRESS Posted July 7, 2016 Author Posted July 7, 2016 I accept that (sort of). It's the planning all this behind my back, even while we were still together, that really hurts. It feels surreal. I want to get angry. I want to get whatever stuff of hers that is still left at my house, load it in my pick up, and drive over and throw it all on their lawn.
Zahara Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 I accept that (sort of). It's the planning all this behind my back, even while we were still together, that really hurts. It feels surreal. I want to get angry. I want to get whatever stuff of hers that is still left at my house, load it in my pick up, and drive over and throw it all on their lawn. Endings hurt. No matter what the situation, it hurts. You can't imagine how this person you once loved has caused you so much betrayal and pain. Been there, done that. But you can't seek comfort or justness from what hurts you. The only way to do that is to barrel through those feelings on your own and manage it through healing. Get angry. It's good. Get all her stuff, pack it all up in a box and drop it off at their doorstep and leave. No, better yet, have a friend do it for you. 1
Redhead14 Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 I accept that (sort of). It's the planning all this behind my back, even while we were still together, that really hurts. It feels surreal. I want to get angry. I want to get whatever stuff of hers that is still left at my house, load it in my pick up, and drive over and throw it all on their lawn. You are simply seeing the type of person she is. She's not worthy of you giving her any more of your emotional energy. She's not a good person PERIOD. I don't waste my emotion on someone who is a bad person. I get real with myself and accept that truth. You pack her stuff up, send her a certified/return receipt letter requesting a signature and demand that the stuff be picked up by a certain day and time. You tell her that if she doesn't arrange for pick up, you will have it picked up by Good Will or the Salvation Army by X date. I want to get whatever stuff of hers that is still left at my house, load it in my pick up, and drive over and throw it all on their lawn. -- That doesn't do anything to them. All is does it give her fodder for the future -- "my crazy ex . . . ." Don't meet bad behavior with more bad behavior. Take the high road and be a better person than she is.
Author COOLRYANEXPRESS Posted July 7, 2016 Author Posted July 7, 2016 ....her just giving me hope these last 5 months while planning this all along...I really can't even believe someone could be so cold.
Zahara Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 ....her just giving me hope these last 5 months while planning this all along...I really can't even believe someone could be so cold. It's not surprising. Having been on LS for a long time, lots of stories about unconscionable things people do. My ex was promising me a future while cheating with 4 other women. So, yes...the risks that come with relationships.
Author COOLRYANEXPRESS Posted July 7, 2016 Author Posted July 7, 2016 Honestly, I should have known. She always talked badly about him. She wasn't indifferent about him so I should have seen it. Another thing that seems horrible to me.....her family really, really liked me. So now....she will just parade her ex husband around with her and bring him right back around again and they will act as if nothing ever happened. Sickening. Of course, he has never really never been gone...been on the fringes the whole time.
Redhead14 Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 ....her just giving me hope these last 5 months while planning this all along...I really can't even believe someone could be so cold. You really can't even believe someone could be so cold???? Let's see, Bill Clinton didn't give a crap if he embarrassed and humiliated his wife and daughter while in public office while the world watched. Bernie Madoff cleaned a bunch of people out of their lives and futures while the world watched. Tiger Woods didn't give a crap about his beautiful wife and kids while dissing them while the world watched. And, if you want to read more about how cold people can be, keep reading the cheating and break up threads here . . .
Author COOLRYANEXPRESS Posted July 7, 2016 Author Posted July 7, 2016 I honestly can't believe I let this happen. I am so disappointed in all of them I am at a loss for words.
Redhead14 Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 I honestly can't believe I let this happen. I am so disappointed in all of them I am at a loss for words. I am so disappointed in all of them I am at a loss for words -- You should keep in mind that "she" would be their #1, not you. And, even if they didn't approve of her behavior, etc., they would likely support her and keep her interests in mind. That being said, given her behavior in dealing with all this . . . she learned it somewhere . . . the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree. Get out there and start having some fun. You're saving a ton of money now, I'd say, since you were spending a lot on her you say. Spend some on yourself. Go on a trip, buy yourself something nice. Be good to yourself. Get your mind off of it for a while.
Author COOLRYANEXPRESS Posted July 7, 2016 Author Posted July 7, 2016 I actually already have bought a lot of new stuff for the house. My main problem is this....obviously I am not ready to date again yet and although I have friends and family I talk to on the phone, none are nearby so I have no one to help keep me occupied when I am not working.
Redhead14 Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 I actually already have bought a lot of new stuff for the house. My main problem is this....obviously I am not ready to date again yet and although I have friends and family I talk to on the phone, none are nearby so I have no one to help keep me occupied when I am not working. Find yourself a hobby or activity -- model ship building, build model cars/air planes, join a gym, a bowling league, take up photography and take some classes, go to community events, experiment in the kitchen, pamper yourself. Go some place you've always wanted to go. I know a ton of people who have lived near NYC their entire lives and they've never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building, never saw the Rockettes at Radio City Music Hall. Try something new, try a bunch of things. Get out there and live! Learning to be happy alone means doing things that make you happy and not relying on someone else to do that for you and reveling in the freedom of being able to do whatever the heck you want to do whenever you want to.
Author COOLRYANEXPRESS Posted July 7, 2016 Author Posted July 7, 2016 I know exactly what you mean. I have been to the Statue of Liberty, last year, with her. Nothing makes sense...if I can eat, food has no taste. Nothing sounds like fun. I would guess I am codependent and she is a narcissist. I never thought I would say this, but I may need therapy. I can't believe she can just go right back to him like I never meant anything. At least it feels like I didn't.
Redhead14 Posted July 7, 2016 Posted July 7, 2016 I know exactly what you mean. I have been to the Statue of Liberty, last year, with her. Nothing makes sense...if I can eat, food has no taste. Nothing sounds like fun. I would guess I am codependent and she is a narcissist. I never thought I would say this, but I may need therapy. I can't believe she can just go right back to him like I never meant anything. At least it feels like I didn't. Therapy wouldn't be a bad thing and it would give you someone to vent to and get out of your house for a bit. Beyond that, you are grieving and that is a process and you just need to be patient with yourself and try not to dwell on it all. It serves no purpose. YOu need to allow yourself to feel the feelings without overwhelming yourself. Do it a little at a time and then force yourself to do things that need or should be done or that you want to do. Get out of this loop!!!
Author COOLRYANEXPRESS Posted July 7, 2016 Author Posted July 7, 2016 I mean I still go to work, I maintain the house and yards. I try to stay busy. I have worn out several people with this. There is no timetable, no switch you can just turn off. I feel really empty inside, like there is no way out.
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