Makes no sense

[MissBee]

So.....it seems that the dumpers all say that pleading with them and chasing after them turns then off and makes them run further away. I actually know this to be a fact because it happened to me.

My question is this: Why?

So what they are saying is that by trying to show them that you love them, want them and don't want them to go...this is a turn off?

However, if you do nothing....act indifferent...it makes it seem as if you don't care and drives them crazy. Is this correct? All seems counter intuitive to me.

 

Humans are contradictory creatures.

 

In any event though, unless you broke up with someone for purposes of manipulation and game-playing and getting a reaction, your concern will not be about their indifference.

 

It sounds like you're talking about some weird, manipulative game type of breakup rather than genuinely breaking up because you no longer want to be involved in the relationship. I think the latter is more clean-cut than the former.

 

I had an ex who broke up with me and I embarrassingly went on a hot pursuit and couldn't accept it and the main reason was because he said we needed a "break" and could "try again in X months" versus a clean break. That gave me hope and set me in panic mode. In the end it's manipulative and he used it as a way of doing what he wanted but having me around in the background in case. We went through so much back and forth and at the time I would use NC as a ploy to re-spark his interest. It was a torturous break up!

 

With my last bf, I broke up with him, we tried again for 2 weeks and then mutually ended it. No games, no manipulation, no chasing, no feigning indifference, just genuinely moving on. Do yourself a favor: if someone breaks up with you, let them go. Don't concern yourself with how they interpret your actions. If they are playing games or are of the mind that they don't want you but expect you to still want them, that's not your problem to feed their ego.

[COOLRYANEXPRESS]

Right....my ex of 10 years broke up with me without a warning (or at least none that I saw). Said she needed space so I stayed in contact. Over a period of 5 months (ending Tuesday), we slept together multiple times, went on day trips, went to ballgames, shopping and I helped her financially. I was informed 2 days ago she had met someone else so all of that was just completely wasted time, effort and money. I guess kept me around as a crutch until she had someone new. Kinda sucks....but I let it happen.

[confusedone19]

Know how you feel I have no one made him my life and now I'm alone

 

It's the loneliness that makes me miss him no one to talk to no one to text we hardly went anywhere and he never treated me out but I still miss having someone and it hurts

[COOLRYANEXPRESS]

My situation was the opposite. We went EVERYWHERE! Even took a 3 week cross country road trip last year. Plus, she is a realtor, so we were all over my town seeing houses. I can't get away from her in this town. Everywhere I go reminds me of her. She is an attractive lady but she has that "thing", whatever it is that keeps men around all the time. She tries to blame everything on me to assuage her guilt and I actually bought into it for a while. She had an equal hand in our demise. I also think she is a serial monogamist....she gets bored with one relationship and quits and goes right to another one. I didn't see the pattern til recently. Always try to make sure you have someone to talk to...even if it is just me, okay?

[Satu]

It's really good that you're getting this off your chest.

 

It's the right thing to do.

 

Keep it up!

[Redhead14]

I am a 52 year old man who has only been in 2 relationships in the past 30 years. Married for 20 and a long term girlfriend for 9.5 years. I am writing this because I am a very stable individual and it is hard for me to believe how someone dumping you can make you feel.

 

My last girlfriend of 9.5 years just dumped me on January 23rd, 2016 and yes, it came out of nowhere. Totally blindsided. Looking back now, I can see all sorts of warnings but didn't see them. Isn't that always the case? Anyway.....I did the standard pleading and reasoning for a couple of weeks but then stopped. We started seeing each other regularly...shopping day trips, dinner, baseball games, train trips...you name it. Also had sex probably once a week. This was spread out over a period of 5 months until just yesterday. All the while, she is showing affection and staying in contact and I am also providing financial support.

 

I was doing all this under the pretext to get her to come back and she knew it too. I forgot to mention that we lived together for 9 of those years. About 2 weeks ago, I noticed her becoming a little more distant and I kind of panicked. Went on a text rampage one day that pissed her off.

 

Come to find out she has met someone else. So basically, I was used as an emotional and financial crutch until someone new came along. Needless to say, I am pretty distraught over this. I could have walked away 5 months ago and been damn near over her and now it almost feels like square one. Listen to my advice men of any age please....please...I beg you.....when she dumps you, as hard as it is, walk away right then. Do not chase! This was confirmed in a text by her to me just yesterday that me pressuring her pushed her away further and ruined any chances I may have had.

 

Believe me guys, I have read everything under the sun about this in the past 5 months and I didn't want to believe. You always want to think your girlfriend is the exception. DO. NOT. CHASE! I implore you, if a chance at reconciliation is what you seek.....do not chase. Be dignified and let her miss you. What happens is this....they are away from you, living single. However, by you chasing they still have the benefits of being with you without actually having to be with you.

 

If you were a good partner, they need to realize what they are missing. Chasing them allows them to slowly wean themselves from you until you are no longer needed. then you have just wasted X amount of time, effort and money for nothing and delayed your own healing. Trust me, I just got the final hammer dropped on me yesterday and I am a zombie. Now I have to start over.

 

Also....in a long relationship....don't lose yourself. Maintain contact with your friends. Cultivate new friendships. Honest to God....if you become so dependent on your girl for your happiness...you will be in for a very rude awakening when she leaves. This is my predicament now. My best and only friend moved away and I made no new friends so now I am completely at a loss at what to do with my time. I have never been good alone anyway and now knowing someone I love is out there and not loving me is awful.

 

Please guys......believe me and trust this advice.

 

Never ever give more than you are getting in return in/from a relationship. It needs to be balanced. It sounds to me like you were "holding" this relationship up for a long time. Distracted by the machinations of that and therefore, missing some signals as you pointed out. And, yes, never lose yourself.

 

What do you do with your time? You think back through the 9 years you were with her and about the things you maybe wanted to do but never did because you pushed them aside for her. There must be somethings you've always wanted to do. Do them now.

 

I have never been good alone anyway -- Learn how to be alone right now and do things that make you happy. Try anything new. Photography, golf, bowling anything and everything until you do find something you have a passion for. Trust me, when you do all this and can be happy alone, you will find someone when you least expect it.

 

Be patient and kind to yourself now and be open-minded. Tell yourself everyday when you wake up that you are going to look for something positive in each day. Force yourself to do that. It's a little thing and should be fairly easy.

[COOLRYANEXPRESS]

As of this moment....we are still in a bowling league together along with our 2 sons. That was last night and it was the first time I have seen her since she admitted the truth about this other dude.

I actually did pretty well, but a few times I would look at her, acting completely normal, not even thinking about the bomb she just dropped on me and I actually can't believe it's the same person who lived with me just 5 months ago.

Oh yes....I get that sick feeling in my stomach when I think about her with another guy.....it's terrible. And it's not even about the sex really....it's just being with someone else, having fun, laughing and going to the same places we used to go. It will eat away at you if you let it. Bowling is over in 3 weeks and I literally can't fathom NEVER seeing her again. Walking away from her that last night.......wow.....I am already dreading it.

[Redhead14]

As of this moment....we are still in a bowling league together along with our 2 sons. That was last night and it was the first time I have seen her since she admitted the truth about this other dude.

I actually did pretty well, but a few times I would look at her, acting completely normal, not even thinking about the bomb she just dropped on me and I actually can't believe it's the same person who lived with me just 5 months ago.

Oh yes....I get that sick feeling in my stomach when I think about her with another guy.....it's terrible. And it's not even about the sex really....it's just being with someone else, having fun, laughing and going to the same places we used to go. It will eat away at you if you let it. Bowling is over in 3 weeks and I literally can't fathom NEVER seeing her again. Walking away from her that last night.......wow.....I am already dreading it.

 

You stick with bowling, finish it out with your head held high and have as much fun as you possibly can. Don't you be despondent or off your game. Let her see your strength.

 

And, trust me, the likelihood of her new relationship succeeding is low. Entering a new relationship so soon after ending a long-term relationship and especially one that includes children rarely sticks. Not that that should be any kind of a revenge factor for you. This is just a heads up for you to recognize that if it doesn't fair well, she may be back to you again. She's already done that. She may try the pendulum thing.

 

Be strong and steadfast. Unless there is something you two need to talk about because of the kids and finalizing the break up, do not have any contact with her whatsoever.

 

And, remember, you won't be watching her walk away, you'll be watching the woman you wish she was walking away.

[COOLRYANEXPRESS]

What is your opinion of this: she left in January. We have been in regular contact and even seeing each other for all the 5 months since. I am going to Las Vegas for 5 days the middle of this month. I actually offered her the chance to come stay at the house while I was gone. She jumped at the chance. Now I am concerned that she might bring her new guy over while I am away. Should I mention it?

[Redhead14]

What is your opinion of this: she left in January. We have been in regular contact and even seeing each other for all the 5 months since. I am going to Las Vegas for 5 days the middle of this month. I actually offered her the chance to come stay at the house while I was gone. She jumped at the chance. Now I am concerned that she might bring her new guy over while I am away. Should I mention it?

 

You tell her that that option is off the table!!!!! Like I said, never give more than you're getting in/from a relationship. You two aren't in a relationship anymore, so you don't give anything at all. Don't let her use you. She is mistaking your kindness for weakness.

 

She has incredible gall for even accepting that offer. And, you bet your rear end she will bring the new guy.

[COOLRYANEXPRESS]

When she left me, she moved in with a girlfriend of hers. Been there the whole time. I'm sure she doesn't have any privacy and I know nothing about the new guy...where he lives or whatever. I do have a dog that she would be taking care of. I actually mentioned it just to see what she would say....can't believe she wants to. I can get my daughter to do it if needed. What incentive does she have for wanting to stay here?

[WhatsWhat]

OK, I, as a female your age (I'm 51) have to jump in here!!!

What are you doing by offering her to stay at your house? You need to get your pride and self esteem back. Be pissed of when you need to be and DO NOT let her keep taking advantage of your. My God, you took her on trips and spent money of her for 5 months when you weren't even a couple.

Please, please don't let her take from you anymore; and I mean both monetarily and also from your heart.

It hurts, I know, like nothing else. There were times that my emotions were running so high I was afraid that I might go insane. I was like a caged animal.

It's still hard for me at times, but it does get easier.

This is still very fresh for you and your are extremely raw. My heart goes out to you.

That being said, I have to ask the question that I don't believe has been asked (sorry if it has and I missed it): You told us your age, but how old is she?

We can possibly comment with a little better insight if we know here age.

 

Age aside, I am still amazed that people our age are still going through ridiculous game playing in relationships. Is honesty, sincerity and communication really that hard? I would think that once you pass 30 or so there really shouldn't be anything but that. I also feel that there is absolutely no excuse for any mature person to carry on a relationship with someone if they are so unhappy that they seek out someone else. There is no excuse for cheating; if you are not happy, leave before you do anything else!!!

Most importantly, give the other person the respect that they deserve and talk things over and let them know how you are feeling. Obviously, I don't know your ex and I know, even though she treated (and still is treating you) badly, you don't want to hear some complete stranger talking badly of her. But, holy crap, she is really A PIECE OF WORK!!!

All the best to you and remember, there are good, decent women out there, and I can hope, decent men too

Edited July 1, 2016 by WhatsWhat
typo

[COOLRYANEXPRESS]

She will be 49 in August. Sometimes I think she doesn't just completely let me go because she knows I have always treated her well. I am very secure and stable...been at my job for 28 years. I make a good living and have my retirement all planned out. She may be scared to let all the security go. Let me mention that she insists she never cheated on me and I have never seen any evidence or even been suspiscious of her doing so.

Apparently this new guy has only been very recent...a couple of dates. I know we technically weren't together but she knows without a doubt I have been trying to get her to come back home. So in a sense, it does feel like I am being cheated on now. Believe me, I want to get mad....but it's hard for me, I am pretty mellow. It takes an awful lot to get me angry but when I do boy do I let it out! Isn't it funny how everyone can see what is happening except for the one who it happening to? Rose colored glasses are powerful.

[Densel]

Have you told her she will not be allowed to stay at you home anymore?

 

If no, please do it soon.

 

And please do not contact her after this anymore. She has taken enough away from you. Do not allow her to take away your dignity too.

[WhatsWhat]

Ok, so she's 49. That means she wasn't just looking at you as an older sugar daddy; although she was treating you like one. And, she sure isn't coming across as a mature appreciative person.

I don't want to sound like I'm trashing your relationship because I hate when all the replies here are negative and come across as unsupportive and belittle what you did have with your ex.

I get how hurt you are but, you letting her continue to take is not doing you any good. Trust me from a woman's point of view. There is a huge lack of sincerity and respect on her part. You deserve better and if you don't get if from her, you will get if from someone else. Just give yourself some time.

I continually gave throughout my relationship and I know now that it wasn't appreciated; it hurt like hell because I valued all the little things that were done for me. I thought they meant that my ex cared for me but I found out later that they weren't coming from the heart or coming out of caring.

There are a lot of people in this world (and I don't just mean regarding relationships) that will continue to take if you continue to give. They don't appreciate it and certainly don't appreciate that it comes from your heart. They're just wired differently I guess.

You sound like a good, decent and caring person and you will meet someone who appreciates what you have to offer without taking advantage of you.

[AlexisRose]

Well, you know you are doing the right thing in turning away and trying to put it all behind you.

You'll have good days and bad days..you know you will.

But concentrate on building your new life without her. Find your passion... get involved.. volunteer. Anything to fill your time and get you out there and smiling again.

 

Good luck !

[confusedone19]

day 2 of me calling it off and im struggling so much as its like he doesnt care his life is carrying on as normal while i sit here devastated. I dont know what to do i just feel so lost alone and crying

[Redhead14]

day 2 of me calling it off and im struggling so much as its like he doesnt care his life is carrying on as normal while i sit here devastated. I dont know what to do i just feel so lost alone and crying

 

Be good to yourself and focus on your needs. Some people find it helpful to allow a limited amount of time each day to sit with their emotions and grieve. Give yourself, say half and hour or an hour each day to start with, no more than that, to emote. At the end of that time, you force yourself to do something else. As the days pass, you should start to use less than that half and hour. Grieve in lit bits so that you don't become overwhelmed at a given point. Like steam release from a tea kettle.

 

Some people also find it helpful to make a list of things they've been needing to do but have pushed off and take one of those items to focus on and complete. If you have appointments to make, make those calls. Clean the garage, clean closets. These are small things that don't require too much and yet allows you to keep busy and release some energy.

 

All the best to you. It's a difficult process.

[COOLRYANEXPRESS]

What I don't get is the fact....why would she even want to stay there? I can understand having some peace for a few days but honestly.....she doesn't want me anymore, or so she says. If we are not going to be part of each others lives anymore, what possible reason could she have for wanting to stay?

[Densel]

Because you are always giving and she enjoys taking.

 

To her, you look ok, you look fine, you dont look like you are hurting after the break up.

 

No anger from you, so she thinks everything is alright, you are cool with the break up. And she keeps contact with you because she has no form of any "pressure" from you.

 

And now you offered your home to her for afew days, she will think 'why not'.

 

And staying at your home doesnt mean she wants to get back with you.

[Kwacker39]

Coolryanexpress- I have just read all of your posts - you seem like a good guy. I am 49 and facing a divorce from my wife after 21 years and 2 children - she has been cheating on me for at least 10 months - I say this so you know that I feel what you are going through and I can comment from a viewpoint of experience .

 

Do not let her stay at your house . I really think she has pulled the wool over your eyes and has been seeing another man for quite a while . You need no contact right now . She is playing you for a fool . Do not try a reconciliation , there would only be more pain and setbacks for you .

 

Try and move on , I know it's so hard , but that is your cheater free future. Good luck .

[COOLRYANEXPRESS]

I have had the feeling she has had someone for a while too. She insists she hasn't but she may be a good liar. If that is so, she has been seeing me and sleeping with me this whole time which means she has been "cheating" on him.

Maybe we were in sort of a competition and I just lost and she now decided it will be him. This seems to be her pattern. I think she did the exact same thing to her boyfriend previous to me. I don't understand her motivation for wanting to stay at the house at all.

[COOLRYANEXPRESS]

My ex girlfriend left me 5 months ago. We have been in contact and even seeing each other regularly. (mistake). She moved in with a girlfriend of hers, I know this is true because I have been there. Her ex husband lives about a half mile from them. She always went on and on over the years about how she couldn't stand him. They have been divorced for 17 years. I have been with her for 9.5 years.

This past Sunday after leaving my sisters house at 10 pm, I have to go home down that street. This guy also lives with his grown son. As I drive by, I see her car and her ex husbands car but the sons car isn't there. So.....she is alone with her ex at 10 pm? It is not uncommon for him to go to Mexico to visit his other children. I texted the son, who I am still close with, and he said his dad was gone for a few days.

Now....I know from my ex that he goes to work at 0600. I have to drive by to go to work and I am fully expecting to see his car in the driveway as it has been...but it is gone. So now I am thinking the son is covering for his mom. Totally humiliated if she has gone back to him. Don't even know why I should worry about it...I guess it is that I was lied to and probably for a long time. My own mom stands by me of course and suggested that maybe she was driving his car for some reason. I can't see justifying this. My insides have literally ached all day. Any comments?

[Satu]

You've kicked your own legs from under yourself.

 

This is nothing but self-sabotage.

 

Where she is, and who she's with, isn't your business anymore.

 

Stop it.

 

 

Take care.

[COOLRYANEXPRESS]

That is pretty simplified of course, and correct but it's easier said than done.