Makes no sense

[COOLRYANEXPRESS]

I am a 52 year old man who has only been in 2 relationships in the past 30 years. Married for 20 and a long term girlfriend for 9.5 years. I am writing this because I am a very stable individual and it is hard for me to believe how someone dumping you can make you feel.

 

My last girlfriend of 9.5 years just dumped me on January 23rd, 2016 and yes, it came out of nowhere. Totally blindsided. Looking back now, I can see all sorts of warnings but didn't see them. Isn't that always the case? Anyway.....I did the standard pleading and reasoning for a couple of weeks but then stopped. We started seeing each other regularly...shopping day trips, dinner, baseball games, train trips...you name it. Also had sex probably once a week. This was spread out over a period of 5 months until just yesterday. All the while, she is showing affection and staying in contact and I am also providing financial support.

 

I was doing all this under the pretext to get her to come back and she knew it too. I forgot to mention that we lived together for 9 of those years. About 2 weeks ago, I noticed her becoming a little more distant and I kind of panicked. Went on a text rampage one day that pissed her off.

 

Come to find out she has met someone else. So basically, I was used as an emotional and financial crutch until someone new came along. Needless to say, I am pretty distraught over this. I could have walked away 5 months ago and been damn near over her and now it almost feels like square one. Listen to my advice men of any age please....please...I beg you.....when she dumps you, as hard as it is, walk away right then. Do not chase! This was confirmed in a text by her to me just yesterday that me pressuring her pushed her away further and ruined any chances I may have had.

 

Believe me guys, I have read everything under the sun about this in the past 5 months and I didn't want to believe. You always want to think your girlfriend is the exception. DO. NOT. CHASE! I implore you, if a chance at reconciliation is what you seek.....do not chase. Be dignified and let her miss you. What happens is this....they are away from you, living single. However, by you chasing they still have the benefits of being with you without actually having to be with you.

 

If you were a good partner, they need to realize what they are missing. Chasing them allows them to slowly wean themselves from you until you are no longer needed. then you have just wasted X amount of time, effort and money for nothing and delayed your own healing. Trust me, I just got the final hammer dropped on me yesterday and I am a zombie. Now I have to start over.

 

Also....in a long relationship....don't lose yourself. Maintain contact with your friends. Cultivate new friendships. Honest to God....if you become so dependent on your girl for your happiness...you will be in for a very rude awakening when she leaves. This is my predicament now. My best and only friend moved away and I made no new friends so now I am completely at a loss at what to do with my time. I have never been good alone anyway and now knowing someone I love is out there and not loving me is awful.

 

Please guys......believe me and trust this advice.

Edited June 29, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
spacing ~6

[tomatome]

So true. Do not beg, plead or chase. I wish you peace in the coming days. You have lots of friends here, feel free to pour your heart out.

[COOLRYANEXPRESS]

Thanks for the response. Yeah....what a waste of time that was. She has pretty much done that to every guy she has been with long term. When I first met her...she was in dire financial straits. I probably poured $100,000 into trying to save her house and cars...and then she lost them anyway when I was tapped out. I pretty much raised a second family as she had 3 kids still at home. I probably spent several thousand more dollars in the last 5 months AFTER she left me on trips, shopping, loans etc. She gets bored with one guy and just bolts. I wish I could warn her new guy of what is to come but what the hell. We live and we learn.

[Satu]

No more financial bailouts.

 

No more being her 'rock.'

 

No more, "don't worry, I'll fix it for you."

 

Live for yourself.

 

Pour your energy into yourself.

 

Use your money to benefit yourself.

 

 

You're talking a lot of sense, so keep talking

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

[COOLRYANEXPRESS]

Yep....and who knows how long I have been her "rock" while she was banging this other guy. I'm sure they were having a good laugh.

[Satu]

Home is where your heart is, and your heart is right there in your chest.

 

Onward and upward; she's just one person out of seven billion.

 

It's your time now

[COOLRYANEXPRESS]

I gotta say though......even at my age, it still really hurts.

[Satu]

I gotta say though......even at my age, it still really hurts.

 

Yes, it does.

 

But here's a nice quote from Shakespeare:

 

“Some grief shows much of love,

But much of grief shows still some want of wit.”

 

― William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

 

 

You'll be OK.

 

 

Take care.

[COOLRYANEXPRESS]

I have been reading all kinds of things since January, over analyzing like I do....but this is the first and only site I have joined. It really does help. My best friend moved 2 hours away and I wore him out with this stuff a while back. My daughter was next and now my mom has my ear. I guess everybody here is next.

[Satu]

You're very welcome here.

 

Keep posting

[bummer]

So basically, I was used as an emotional and financial crutch until someone new came along. Needless to say, I am pretty distraught over this. I could have walked away 5 months ago and been damn near over her and now it almost feels like square one. Listen to my advice men of any age please....please...I beg you.....when she dumps you, as hard as it is, walk away right then. Do not chase!

 

Amen!! Hallelujah!

 

Wish we could have slapped each other upside our heads in January...

 

Good luck!

[COOLRYANEXPRESS]

Damn straight!

[Jam005]

As a young man going through a tough time with losing his job and being dumped by his girlfriend of 3 years, I can't thank you enough for this post. It's given me what I needed to hear. I can't sit around any longer, thinking what could of been and should of been. It's hard, but I will make it through this tough time.

 

I really hope things get better for you, hang in there.

[COOLRYANEXPRESS]

You are most welcome. It is still difficult to comprehend that the woman I loved could do that. Literally....just kept me around until I was no longer needed and then threw me in the trash heap. If you were just recently dumped, keep your pride and let her be. Let her live with her decision. Let her see what it is really like without you. Believe me, if you treated her well, she will miss you. The thing for me is.....I have wanted mine back the entire time. In fact, I don't know why I can't let go of her.

Now I am starting to think about it though. She has someone else. If that doesn't work out, would I take her back? I guess if she realized how good she had it and that she made a mistake, I might think about it. But what if the new guy dumped her and she wanted to run back? Do I really want to be the second choice? Keep your head up young man.....everything happens for a reason. Dust yourself off and look ahead, not behind.

[Jam005]

I think the same thing. I'd like to think id be strong enough to say no and tell her how much it hurt. I'm just finding it hard to move on with no family or friends around to help me through this, feel very alone.

 

Keep us updated

[COOLRYANEXPRESS]

I know how you feel. Sometimes I just want to get angry and tell her off but I can't get myself to do it. I will just maintain radio silence for my own mental health. My day to day existence was so tied to her that I kind of lost myself over the years.

My only true friend moved 2 hours away. My grown children both work on the weekends. My family is hours away. The weekends are the hardest. I literally have no idea what to do. It does feel strange being alone. Don't get me wrong.....I function. I maintain the house and talk on the phone with whomever will listen. I suspected she had someone else a few weeks ago as I saw her texting a guy when we were on the home from a Dodgers/Giants game. It was dark in the car and she didn't know I could see it. That was a crappy feeling....but for her to admit it...to hear it from her own lips.....that was a whole new knife in the heart. You are so you probably have more options. For me, I think it is hard to let her go because of the fear of starting this crap all over again. Meeting someone....the awkwardness.....learning about each other, I am sure you know. Also, at my age, now I am dealing with houses and such. I mean...I have my own, most ladies my age have their own....so eventually if things get serious, we would both have to live in one of the houses. I know I don't want to give mine up so it's a whole different dynamic. Also.....this last 5 months has been absolutely brutal an mentally and emotionally exhausting. It makes me kind of scared to get involved with someone again. I wouldn't wish the feeling of getting dumped on my worst enemy.

[COOLRYANEXPRESS]

I meant you are young so you have more options.

[COOLRYANEXPRESS]

So.....it seems that the dumpers all say that pleading with them and chasing after them turns then off and makes them run further away. I actually know this to be a fact because it happened to me.

My question is this: Why?

So what they are saying is that by trying to show them that you love them, want them and don't want them to go...this is a turn off?

However, if you do nothing....act indifferent...it makes it seem as if you don't care and drives them crazy. Is this correct? All seems counter intuitive to me.

[Zahara]

So what they are saying is that by trying to show them that you love them, want them and don't want them to go...this is a turn off?

 

Imagine feeling detached and unemotional about someone. You want to move on and you have no more desire to be with them. Now she/he is bombarding you with how much they love you and so on. How does that make you feel? Personally, it would get exhausting and at some point would become a total turn off.

 

However, if you do nothing....act indifferent...it makes it seem as if you don't care and drives them crazy. Is this correct? All seems counter intuitive to me.

 

It drives them crazy because you're not there as an ego boost, someone to provide attention. Some dumpers would hope that you're still there pining for them.

[COOLRYANEXPRESS]

Yes....I imagine it would be the same as a girl you are not interested in throwing herself at you. Like WTF are you doing? Leave me alone!

[Satu]

It makes people feel claustrophobic and contained.

 

"Get out of my face! Back off!"

 

The only thing worth saying to someone who has told you that they don't want to be with you, is:

 

"OK then. Bye."

 

Anything after that is pointless.

 

 

Take care.

[AlexisRose]

It's difficult ending a relationship without having to reiterate the fact over and sometimes over again. It's draining.

They just want to look forward and not back...don't they?

[COOLRYANEXPRESS]

I'm sure they want to move forward. But.....since most break ups one person is blindsided, they have to realize 95 percent of people aren't just going to do what they want and disappear.

[Ensam]

None of these things are accurate in my case. I do not get further turned off by someone wanting me back as well as I do not get more interested in them/getting back together if they act indifferent.

 

Then again if I dump someone, I really made up my mind and it would take something extraordinary for me to change my opinion. I suspect a lot of people just like the drama and haven't really thought things through but rather dump people on a whim.

[BC1980]

It's very uncomfortable to be in a situation where you don't return a person's feelings. If it goes too far, it can step over a person's boundaries, which just makes people mad.