Ended things with 'rebound' and I now feel sad re long-term ex

[sparkle222]

I've posted about my ex quite a few times here and the advice has always been correct and appreciated--that he is scummy and that i should NOT revisit him. In a nutshell, we've been broken up for a while now, but we fell into a fwb/close emotional friends thing this year (he told me he wasn't seeing anyone else--apparently he didn't technically *lie* , and it's my fault for not having asked about whether he was in any 'open relationships', as opposed to just a 'relationship'...GIVE ME A BREAK). It turned out he was sleeping with another girl regularly (which he'd always denied), and a couple others; when I found out from a friend and confronted him he flat-out lied about it and told me my friend was making up stuff; ages later he eventually admitted it was all true; I went no contact. The whole thing was rubbish and a kick up the rear that no matter how good someone looks on paper or seems on the outside or how much they claim they want to be your friend or how much you clicked in the past, they can turn into a pretty big piece of ****. Charming. And heartbreaking.

 

Anyway, fate clearly didn't want me to be totally miserable, because a few days after going no contact, a guy on my course (whom I've always been friends with, but not best friends with, I've always been a bit intimidated by him) started messaging me a lot. Over the next week or so we had lengthy conversations about completely personal stuff, got pretty flirty, etc--it was nice to connect with someone in a way that I usually only do in a relationship/with very few friends. We went out one night and got pretty close. Two times he nearly came over to spend the night, but then didn't, which I'm glad about because I don't think that would've been a good idea so soon/when it was just casual. I know he has been casually seeing someone else this year so I'm under no illusions. (He's also a bit messed up from a past relationship and is pretty cynical/awkward about taking things anywhere.) I also knew he was leaving at the end of the course to go traveling solo for 6+ months, and so basically it was 3 weeks of lots of flirting/hanging out/late night convos/a couple nights out, and then yep, he's gone. We obviously made plans to see each other when he got back but there was clearly no basis for starting a relationship (we'd actually talked a bit earlier about how he didn't want to attempt one while traveling because it likely would fall apart), and I'm fine with that.

 

I am actually glad it stayed pretty casual because it meant I wasn't torn up when he left. However, I do very much miss his company now. I haven't had those kind of conversations/that kind of close, warm feeling since I was in a relationship. Even though it wasn't a relationship, I liked the closeness, and I'd always sort of found him interesting/attractive/thought we potentially had a lot in common, and it turns out we did. And missing him has somehow made me start thinking about my ex again. I'd sent my ex a message a couple weeks ago asking if he ever got tested, then figured I wouldn't bother reading a reply (and just sort it out myself), but then I cracked, responded (with a short, snarky response), and then just kind of lost it and sent a really long message about how betrayed I felt as a friend and undermined as a person blahblah (which is true, I felt really, really blindsided and embarrassed and stupid that he had kept his personal life a secret for 9 months and suckered me into investing so much time/care into him). He responded--he tried to dodge around it but then admitted he was pretty crappy, and said how he felt sad about it because he'd once loved me and it's sad to see where it's ended up now (all this crap), and that he's (temporarily) taking a step back from sleeping with girls (but he claims he's still friends with the girls he was sleeping with so presumably they'll start again at some point). He said he's realised we can't be friends anymore, and that he'd just been trying to avoid that realisation all year, and had hidden all this stuff from me because he just wanted to have me in his life as a friend, no drama/complications. I can see that any conversation will just continue with this drivel, and inevitably if I ever keep talking to him he'll just pull this crap again (tell me how much he cares about me and wants me while sleeping around) and it's just so pathetic and infuriating. So yeah, I've blocked him again.

 

So ugh, now I feel so stupid, I felt miserable about the new guy leaving and so I just cycled back to the crappy feelings I had with my ex, which I had fully avoided when with the new guy. I feel like I've sunk into a bit of a hole now, I'm annoyed at myself for breaking no contact; I'm on holiday time now so I don't have my friends around for company either. I've been single for a really long time, and I really need companionship--I work a really tiring job, and I'm tired of being so self-sufficient. (I don't think I need any more time to 'be single and work on myself'.) People keep telling me to look outside the good-on-paper but immature guys I study/work with (these guys are mid-20s, so obviously still a bit immature, but also they lead quite high-pressured, high-paid lives, and I think that encourages some fecklessness?) and to use dating apps, but I've tried those and it is really, really depressing..

 

Why am I feeling this way? Was the 'rebound' guy a bad idea? (It did make me happy but his lifestyle was a bit similar to my ex's, although he was totally honest about it and his problems.) I'm tired of licking my wounds--should I just toughen up, play the numbers game, and launch myself into dating apps? Is it weird that I feel like I keep 'losing' to guys like my ex--my ex is not an Adonis by any stretch but so easily finds girls he's friends with to be casual with, and I'm quite standardly attractive/together and find the dating scene *so* hard (maybe because I have higher expectations)?

[Satu]

Always completely finish one relationship before you begin the next.

 

That usually means spending a period of time alone, uncoupled, not dating.

 

Some people can't handle being alone, but they don't usually do well in relationships, because they don't really like being who they are.

 

I think that you are one of those people.

 

Get your relationship with yourself right.

 

 

Take care.

[Zahara]

Second Satu.

[sparkle222]

But idk, I actually do like who I am. I've technically been single for a really long time, and yes it was stupid to get involved with my ex again, but it was more intense in a communication way than physically or anything. Plus, in both these cases it was the guy who had issues with commitment (my ex always makes it feel like it's my fault, but the second guy was pretty upfront that he's been really burned and is generally just a cynical ----.) I sorta think I've been looking in the wrong pool of guys, more than anything.

 

I don't really know how to 'get my relationship with myself' right--I've actually never been happier with myself, I like how I look, my job, my friends, etc--I don't really know what there is to sort out? Even though it must be blindingly obvious to people on the outside (e.g. people reading my post) that there is something wrong?

[Toodaloo]

Quit trying to fool yourself.

 

You bounced, it didn't work. Now you feel like crap because you didn't let yourself heal the first time and you ended up with another jack ass so you are hurting even more... so much so that a scum bag looks like a decent prospect?

 

Oh Dear.

 

Time to really have time to yourself and heal properly. There are no half measures with this. You will just end up in more of a pickle if you try to push yourself.

 

Look after yourself and the rest will follow.

[sparkle222]

I don't think my ex looks like a remotely attractive prospect, but yeah, I take your point that I did bounce from one scumbag to another.

[Toodaloo]

Learn your lesson and give yourself time to recover and get into a good place where you don't "need" a guy but a guy being around would be nice if he is a great kinda guy...

 

Then you are in a place to cut through all this bull and protect yourself and have a better relationship...

[wrestler145]

Quit trying to fool yourself.

 

You bounced, it didn't work. Now you feel like crap because you didn't let yourself heal the first time and you ended up with another jack ass so you are hurting even more... so much so that a scum bag looks like a decent prospect?

 

Oh Dear.

 

Time to really have time to yourself and heal properly. There are no half measures with this. You will just end up in more of a pickle if you try to push yourself.

 

Look after yourself and the rest will follow.

 

I am in a similar situation, except I was the dumper, and I needed to hear this. Thank you.

[Satu]

snip

 

I don't really know how to 'get my relationship with myself' right--I've actually never been happier with myself, I like how I look, my job, my friends, etc--I don't really know what there is to sort out? Even though it must be blindingly obvious to people on the outside (e.g. people reading my post) that there is something wrong?

 

The very fact that you got tangled up with these two bottom-of-the-barrel guys, shows that your relationship with yourself isn't right.

 

Those are the kind of men that women with low self-esteem go for.

 

 

As regards getting your relationship with yourself right, I think you'd benefit from journalling about:

 

 

Your thoughts.

 

Your feelings.

 

Your healing.

 

Your journey through life.

 

Your hopes.

 

Your fears.

 

Your successes.

 

Your losses.

 

Your dreams.

 

Your learning.

 

Your realisations.

 

Your growth.

 

Your understanding of yourself.

 

Your happiness.

 

 

You will get to know yourself better and come to love yourself in a new and deeper way.

 

 

Take care.