Have I done the right thing [UPDATED]

[confusedone19]

So it's the end of day 3 since I split up with my bf and I've tried really hard to try and keep busy and not think about him but it's so hard

 

His mum rang me today telling me how he's getting a new number and has a second phone now it really hurt

 

Since then I've just imagined him talking to other girls and wondering how say he meets someone and becomes this wonderful boyfriend who is loving and loyal have images of him all happy and getting married and having someone who is so happy with him

 

It's killing me. I know he treated me so badly but why am I feeling like this why can't I just lock off like he has

[mrs rubble]

So it's the end of day 3 since I split up with my bf and I've tried really hard to try and keep busy and not think about him but it's so hard

 

His mum rang me today telling me how he's getting a new number and has a second phone now it really hurt

 

Since then I've just imagined him talking to other girls and wondering how say he meets someone and becomes this wonderful boyfriend who is loving and loyal have images of him all happy and getting married and having someone who is so happy with him

 

It's killing me. I know he treated me so badly but why am I feeling like this why can't I just lock off like he has

WTF!! His mum is a lettuce leaf short of a burger by the sounds of things.

Prince Charming shares her genes, I think you made a lucky escape.

[Zahara]

Why are you talking to his mom?

[confusedone19]

She rang me so I answered she started the conversation as to ask me how I was and then she just started talking about him. We did get close me and his mum in the years we were together

[juniorrocha]

She's still his mother. Tell her you need distance.

 

It's normal that you're feeling that way in your 3rd day. Just please, try to start a few things each day, even not wanting to. Start with little things, then keep doing more and more. Try exercising too, it will make you feel better.

 

Be patient, don't talk to him and stay away from anything that may remind you of him. If you're not comfortable with him ever talking to you, then block him everywhere (go No Contact); it makes the healing process faster, though it's your choice.

 

...aaaand focus on you! It may hurt a little to think about it this way but look at all this free time you have to work on yourself now. Improve anything that is important for you and occupy your time with lots of enjoyable things. Spoil yourself.

[hakuna matata]

She rang me so I answered she started the conversation as to ask me how I was and then she just started talking about him. We did get close me and his mum in the years we were together

 

I absolutely agree with what has been already said. If his mother is not going to take the initiative to stop contact you must do it yourself. Any relation involving him will prevent you from healing (whether it be the form of future reconciliation if that's what you want or to move on).

 

You need take care of yourself at this point and what you are doing is still caring for an individual who has already left the relationship and you are essentially carrying it yourself. Please take care of you. Do your own thing and try to be the happy individual you were before you met him. I know it is easier said than done so please post any frustration on here if you feel tempted to contact him because he is the last person you should talk to.

[confusedone19]

I am just so depressed i try my best to be ok but then it hits me that were not together and it hurts.

 

I miss him so much just constantly wondering what he is doing who he is talking to i cant bare it.

 

Yes he was an arse yes he treated me so badly yes I better off without him but even knowing this it still hurts it still pains me.

 

I just feel like crying all the time and feel so fake trying to put on a brave face. Why do i miss him so much why am i so scared about what he is doing I just dont want to feel like this anymore im hurting so bad

[Zahara]

I am just so depressed i try my best to be ok but then it hits me that were not together and it hurts.

 

I miss him so much just constantly wondering what he is doing who he is talking to i cant bare it.

 

Yes he was an arse yes he treated me so badly yes I better off without him but even knowing this it still hurts it still pains me.

 

I just feel like crying all the time and feel so fake trying to put on a brave face. Why do i miss him so much why am i so scared about what he is doing I just dont want to feel like this anymore im hurting so bad

 

You need to understand and accept that everything you feel is normal. You are grieving a loss, and yes, even when they're absolutely arseholes, you will still grieve and mourn the loss because you established a bond, a toxic bond in your situation and detaching from that is going to be a difficult process. Detaching from an unhealthy situation is far more painful because you've conditioned yourself to such an extent that you're not only struggling with the ending but also grappling with your very low self esteem, fear of abandonment, etc. Those hooks dig deep and it's going to take time for you to start feeling good about yourself again. You've allowed yourself to be treated poorly, and reversing the damage and pain from that isn't going to be an overnight fix.

 

Unfortunately, there is no quick fix. You have to go through this to get past it. Maybe this is why you always kept taking him back after 4.5 years of cheating on you -- you were afraid to face this pain.

 

You can run and hide again, if/when he comes back, or you can for once face this and get to the other side. The former keeps you in indefinite pain. The latter keeps you in temporary pain but with a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Lean on your friends. Your family. Go for a walk. Don't sit at home alone. Go to the library and read a few self-help books, or ones that touch of abandonment and self-value. Go watch a movie. Take a drive. Go to a restaurant you love and have a meal with a book. Go to the park and take in the fresh air and the scenic sights. Get some light exercise in -- yoga with meditation. You need to fill your time and distract yourself. I know you don't have the energy and it's been a few days since this happened but you have to move.

 

It would help for you to see a professional. Start getting yourself therapy.

Edited July 3, 2016 by Zahara

[Satu]

Cry your tears.

 

Get it all out.

 

Then move on.

 

 

Take care.

[stillafool]

Call up a friend and get out of the house today and do something. Sitting around moping and posting on LS wll keep you in pain. Start moving and do something.

[Redhead14]

I am just so depressed i try my best to be ok but then it hits me that were not together and it hurts.

 

I miss him so much just constantly wondering what he is doing who he is talking to i cant bare it.

 

Yes he was an arse yes he treated me so badly yes I better off without him but even knowing this it still hurts it still pains me.

 

I just feel like crying all the time and feel so fake trying to put on a brave face. Why do i miss him so much why am i so scared about what he is doing I just dont want to feel like this anymore im hurting so bad

 

Basically, it's kind of like empty nest syndrome. The quiet, the emptiness of your nest is deafening. Play music, go out, call someone you haven't talked to or seen in quite awhile. Go out and buy yourself something you've been wanting or thinking about. Start a project -- clean closets, dressers. Do something productive with the anxiety and emotion. And, go ahead and cry while you're doing that Let yourself cry. It's a release and liberating. A good cry tires you out and you'll sleep better.

 

And, get in touch with your anger. Anger is a powerful tool if used properly. It is a great motivator and if you use it properly, it is something that can push you forward in a positive way and helps to release energy and anxiety. Be responsible with it, but allow yourself to feel it a little bit. Don't push things down.

 

Yes he was an arse yes he treated me so badly yes I better off without him -- So is whomever he is spending time with.

 

Trust me, whomever he is talking to or spending time with, is getting the short end of a stick. This guy isn't even capable of having a healthy relationship with anyone, especially, right now. Whomever he is with hasn't won a prize. She's taking on a project . . .

[confusedone19]

I put a message on snapchat forgot that I hadn't blocked him and he messaged me saying allow these sayings

 

I was angry I shouldn't have but u messaged back basically saying he's a coward and he ruined my life and I hate him

 

He messaged back saying well you ended it I agreed now stop harassing me

 

How am I harassing him I didn't even message him I'm so hurt and upset I can't stop crying. It's like he saying I asked for this. How can he be so cold and evil I'm so hurt

 

I've blocked him and his friends on my snapchat no but I'm so upset

[Satu]

You just hit yourself on your emotional kneecap with a hammer.

 

It will hurt every time.

 

Don't do it again.

 

Social media are poison after a breakup.

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete him from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

[Zahara]

I call BS in dumpees that "forget/forgot" to block the dumpers on social media. You did it to entice a reaction, to provoke him into making contact. You got what you needed, only thing is you allowed yourself to get kicked in the gut. Hopefully this is a lesson and another nail in the coffin. Sometimes we only learn the hard way. Hopefully this is another reason you hold onto NC and desire to move on from him.

 

You keep saying how can he be so cruel, evil, cold -- my god he treated you like crap for 4.5 years. I'm not sure why you're surprised AND expecting of decent treatment.

Edited July 4, 2016 by Zahara

[confusedone19]

Being doing so well not crying and just getting on with things. Occasional thoughts of him and it hurts just think about what he is up to.

 

Anyway as you know have completely blocked him off everything and today my phone rang from a private number

 

Feel so stupid I thought it's him reaching out I answered - it was someone else

 

I know that's a good thing but feel so dumb for thinking even hoping it might be him and now I just feel sad

[Zahara]

If it were him, what would you be hoping for? Reconciliation?

[confusedone19]

If it were him, what would you be hoping for? Reconciliation?

No as I know I made the right decision I guess I'm just hoping to hear he is sorry and that he realises how wrong he was just hate the coldness wish he could just be nice towards me and this was more amicable - the cold no contact and telling me to go away hurt I guess I just wanna hear he misses me

[Zahara]

No as I know I made the right decision I guess I'm just hoping to hear he is sorry and that he realises how wrong he was just hate the coldness wish he could just be nice towards me and this was more amicable - the cold no contact and telling me to go away hurt I guess I just wanna hear he misses me

 

I know you're still craving for his validation. And after so many years of never giving it to you, you get deeper and deeper into damaging your self-worth and looking to others to make you feel valuable.

 

The thing is, even if he came back and said all those things, it wouldn't be true because history has repeated itself in establishing that -- so when you crave these thoughts, it would be good for you to start realizing your reality rather than holding on for dear life to what you know isn't real.

 

It would be good for you to journal your all that you went through so that when you feel weak and desire him to validate you, you can remind yourself that it would not mean a thing. I bet he's said he's sorry a million times and he's been hateful to you for just as much.

 

You need to start reprogramming your brain and don't stay and dwell on these unrealistic thoughts. Time for you to start seeing this for what it truly was. Your worth and value is determined by you and you've done yourself a disservice. Time to focus inward rather than outward (ex) for validation.

[confusedone19]

You are right and that's what I've been doing is reminding myself why I am where I am and it does help

 

Just catch myself slipping sometimes - it's so hard to do something that sounds so simple that why it shocks me how some people can just cut off and be so cold

[Redhead14]

Will try and keep it short. Me and by other half have been together for 5 years. There is a 10 year age gap he is 24 I and older. We both fell in love so quickly but over the last 4.5 years he has cheated on me numerous times and dumped me numerous times in the most obscene and horrible ways.

 

Nov 2015 was the last time but this time I didn’t fight it when he told me to go I just did. Then in Jan he came back to me begging me to forgive him told me he wanted to marry me I was the only one for him and he would change everything. I took him back.

 

Things have been good but last month lo and behold a female appears she tells me he has been with her he swears she was from when we broke up. Apart from that lately he just wants to be out with his boys all the time whenever were together he hardly talks to me it’s like a chore he says it’s because he is stressed and he can show it only to me but with his friends he can pretend and be happy. I look around at other relationships and feel so jealous.

 

Anyway I decided yesterday to end it I suppose in the back of my head I was hoping he would fight it but he didn’t all he said was my mind is blank I don’t know. so I walked. Now I am sitting here and I’m thinking have I made a mistake I miss him so much what is wrong with me

 

what is wrong with me -- Nothing is wrong with you. Everyone struggles with break ups and goes through the same process. What you have done wrong is allow yourself to be a doormat. Close the door and lock it. Pick yourself up and keep moving forward with the goal of finding someone who treats you like a strong, valuable woman. However, in order to find someone who does that, you need to be just that -- a strong, valuable woman with boundaries and conviction to not accept bad treatment from anyone. Until you walk squarely away from this one, you can't demonstrate that ability.

[Zahara]

You are right and that's what I've been doing is reminding myself why I am where I am and it does help

 

Just catch myself slipping sometimes - it's so hard to do something that sounds so simple that why it shocks me how some people can just cut off and be so cold

 

He can cut off because he was never invested in you or the relationship. There was no emotional attachment, any type of depth or maturity. It's like getting a new toaster oven. You love your new shiny toaster. Then it doesn't work anymore. It's not functioning the way you want it to. You toss and go buy a new one. That's the level of his investment in you -- hence he can move on like nothing ever happened. That is why he kept cheating on you and at this point, has no sense of loss for you because he was with you for all the wrong reasons.

[confusedone19]

So my ex called me yesterday morning off provate number said he wanted us to talk and if I would meet him. I agreed and later in the evening he picked me up and we went for a drive. found somewhere to stop and talk.

 

He basicaly poured out his heart he actually for the first time ever sat there and just spoke to me about everything. Evrything he has put me through done to me etc... Explained to me why he feels it happened and why he did what he did.

 

He sat there and told me how sorry he was for everything he has done to me and that he is sorry he reacted the way he did when I left and now he has had time he understands why I left. I know him and for once can 100% say he was being genuine with what he was saying.

 

We spoke so much and both came to the agreement that so much had happened between us that trying to be together would be a big mistake but we both admitted we love each other. I told him straight that I would never get back with him and I wish him no bad and hope he understands.

 

He said he did and that he was genuinely sorry for it all as I didnt deserve any of it and all he wants is to see me happy even if that means without him.

 

It was such a relief I felt like everything id been through we spoke about I got some closure and I got a sincere apology. Felt so good this morning felt free of the pain and now am looking forward to making this new step in rebuilding ME and making my life happy again.

 

Its weird ended it like this has just lifted this pain and we both walked away happy for eachother if that makes sense.

[confusedone19]

I know what everyone is going to say how much of a fool I am after everything i have been through trust me i cant stop hating myself right now..

 

yes i took him back in Sept 2016 i genuinely yet again fell for the promises of a better life the love he had for me and how he could'nt live without me, fast forward to sunday 26 March 2017 and here i am alone crying heartbroken

 

for the last two months i have been having struggles with my instincts telling me something wasnt right. he was out most nights never returning home always staying at this friends or that friends never having time. everytime i spoke to him about my fears he would swear on his mums life that he loves me and would never hurt me again and he understood why i felt like that and he would do everything to make me trust him again.

 

Then last Sunday i found out he has been living with another girl and her daughter and been telling her he loves her and wants to marry her. i text him and he didnt respond but this girl called me and said he is crying at her door step telling her i am a liar he was never with me and i am just trying to ruin their lives.

 

Since then i have not heard a word from him but have heard from mutual friends that he is just living with her and carrying on as if nothing happened.

 

i am so heartbroken my heart actually hurts i cant stop crying i am not sleeping hardly can eat a thing. i feel embarassed like a fool and i know its all my fault but now i cant cope i physically and emotionally feel drained sick and so sad....

[confusedone19]

Here is what i wrote, what i dont get is why is he so angry at me now for not wanting to talk to him I just dont get it.

 

There is so much I feel I need to write my feelings, my emotions the pain and heartache the anger the hate and lastly the love. 5 years of torment, being put through hell, being used and emotionally drained. The lies the manipulation as I think back it shocks me not only because of all you have done but because I took it all and always forgave.

 

Let me explain to you what it feels like to be told you are perfect in every way and will always be taken care of. Let me convey the emotions that rip through a woman like myself when she is convinced she is someone’s forever. Let me express the hope and loyalty that is instilled inside of a girl who built up wall after wall only to feel as though they were peacefully torn down by a man who pulled her deeply into his love. I cannot formulate those emotions into words the same way I cannot describe the way it felt to have you rip that all to pieces.

 

I want you to know that I loved you. I loved you through every emotional part of the roller coaster you have brought into my life. I loved you on the days that you were pleasant and kind and also the days you were unrecognizable to me. I loved you through changing circumstance and the rapid movement of time. I even loved you when you decided that you didn’t love me anymore.

 

We met when I was so vulnerable. I was wounded from losing my dad and so devastated. I was fragile and naïve, and I truly thought I found the love of my life in you. How you pulled me in with the lies of losing a sister making me believe you were experiencing my grief and the lies you told when I found out I should of gone then but I have and always will connect meeting you with losing my dad the man who was my world my best friend and this is why I believe I am so weak and have let you abuse me the way you have for so many years.

 

You were everything I could’ve dreamed of; the exact kind of man I wanted in my life. Yes you were so much younger then me another lie that I let go, but you were handsome, funny, kind and caring. I was instantly smitten. It appeared those feelings were well received and reciprocated. We grew closer and learned as much as we could about one another – our hopes, our dreams, our fears, and what we envisioned for the future. We even discussed getting married and having a family one day. You were the deepest and strongest love I have ever experienced, you made me believe that soul mates do exist.

 

I cannot possibly put into words how it feels to have you shatter those hopes and dreams and rip my heart into pieces, not once but so many many times. You made so many promises, and I believed them all. I believed in traveling the world together, I believed in merging our worlds, and mostly… I believed in you. I never doubted your love, or the way you made me feel when you kissed me and told me how beautiful I was.

 

All I did was love you. I loved you every day, in every way. One day, you’ll look back, and you’ll know that I did not deserve to be hurt the way you hurt me. I deserved an explanation, I deserved a man who was not afraid to own up to the fact that he would never love me enough. The worst part is that I’ll never really know if you were just a liar and a coward, or there was a part of you who meant every “I love you”, and every “always”.

 

In this past 5 years with you, I’ve learned a lot. About myself, about relationships, being an adult, about love. I’ve learned that I’m the type of person who loves with her entire being. When I love or care about someone, I let my entire world revolve around them. That’s what I did with you. You came into my life at a time when I wasn’t ready for anyone, let alone you. You came into my life and you weren’t a person–you were this entity that I became enraptured with. Your infectious personality, your incredible way with words, your delectable charm–it all seemed too good to be true. I think what it comes down to is I became involved with you before I was ever ready. I didn’t take the time to figure out what I wanted and what I needed from someone–from you, from our relationship. I can’t change a person. I can’t change you, and I can’t change your situation. I can only change myself and the situations I choose to be a part of. You choose to let this nonsense continue and I’ve tried to understand and ignore it, but I can’t anymore. If you wanted to move on, you could. If you wanted to change the dynamics of your relationship with this other woman, you could. I know you well enough by now to know that when you want someone out of your life, that’s it—they’re out. You have had plenty of time to reevaluate your situation and the damage it does to yourself and other people. Why have you done nothing about it? And I don’t mean making profiles private or pursuing secret relationships because that’s childish. I mean taking action and making adult decisions.

 

I chose to stay in this relationship and endure all of the lies, pain, and absurdity. I wanted nothing more than to believe every single word you said about it being crazy and the girls being crazy and all of that. I wanted nothing more than to continue telling everyone to **** off—that they don’t understand our relationship. You know why I stayed, but I deserve to treat myself better. At the VERY LEAST, I deserve honesty from you. You would get so jealous if a guy hit on me and sometimes I know you do it in jest but we both know some part of you would feel hurt if YOU found out I was sneaking around behind your back. So, why do it to me? 


 

I just want you to realize what I’m worth. I invited you into my life, my head, my heart, my family, my bed. That is all very special, and not everyone I meet is entitled to those things. I’ve given you everything and in return, you’re not even really mine. I’m not trying to make you feel bad, because you know I care a lot about you. I just don’t think you can ever give me what I want and need. A relationship—no matter what kind—falls apart the minute dishonesty comes into play. It is no longer fair to me to allow dishonesty from you when honesty is expected from me. And I know you will read this and not realize where I’m coming from but I do hope you try. You are the most important person in my life. But, I only have one life, why spend it with someone who doesn’t make me feel like the most important person in their world?

 

I’ve realised the most I can do is embrace the heartache and hold onto my pride which I have slowly been losing with each day I ignore the double life you lead. I hate being alone, but I am 100% content knowing that I will not give myself to anyone undeserving. This is my life and I am the most important person in it and for the past few years, I’ve forgotten that. I love you. I’ve never cared about anyone as much as I do for you. I would do almost anything for you—anything you ask of me. But one thing I cannot do is continue letting you lead me down a path of dishonesty. You don’t see it as dishonesty, I get that, but unfortunately that is what has happened. Whether it’s lying about spending time with her while you’re gone or lying about the “complicated situation,” or telling her I’m a crazy girl who just tries to ruin your relationships, lying is lying and it still hurts the people who care about you.

 

You have to realise she sent me every single message you sent her on Sunday she gave me the details of your tears and begging when you showed up at her door and then all the messages you sent her that evening. She happily told me about the pregnancy and you sleeping in her bed every night and being there for her child. She told me in detail how well you have treated her and the designer bags perfumes that you have been spoiling her with.

 

If I line up in my head the day you came to my house the moments you slept with me the lies about being with the boys the trip to Bournemouth for my proposal when all those times you were ****ing her and buying her things it makes me physically so sick, you didn’t just cheat on me you purposely played with my life knowing full well what you’re doing and that is the part that has completely broken me. After all I have done how you could be so cold callous and evil to **** with me like this. She even told me you made her buy you a ring as you hated wearing mine wow the facetimes the locations the other phone you lived such a double life as she is right you were in her bed every night so who am I? She even told me you have a daughter wow always knew Mini daughter was yours but you never told me guess that would mean admitting you were always cheating on me.

 

It’s made me realise these last 5 years has just been a big lie, I no longer know what was real what was fake all I know is you have played such a sick game with my life and nothing was true the dreams the promises it was all just fake. I feel embarrassed to walk in my own area as everyone knew you were never guna marry me I was just there for you to use you had plenty of other girls always to hand I was never the one or the only one.

 

I want you to imagine this: a girl sitting on her bedroom floor, dry-heaving, her body convulsing with each failed attempt at silencing the sobs, banging her fists onto the ground as she tried to make sense of it all. Now, I want you imagine my face because that girl was me, and I was never good enough for you. I was constantly coming second to dozens of other girls. You have made me feel completely worthless. You have emotionally ruined me.

 

I know you want to talk but honestly I am not ready to face you and truly do not believe there is anything you can say to me all I see are those messages you sent her physical evidence you cannot lie away and when it all came out your cried tears for her and you went to her so you cannot now say that’s not true as she was smart and showed me it all. My crying has stopped and right now all I have in my heart for you is hate for what you have done to me not just this time but every time.

 

If it was up to me I wish I could go to a hospital and get them to erase every memory I have of you from my mind, my heart is now gone cold. I don’t know if I will ever be able to forgive you I pray that god removes this hatred from my heart as I know in order for me to move on from this I need to not feel the hate anymore.

 

I want you to remember all the messages and things you said to this girl before you ask to talk to me because I don’t think you actually realise the extent of what I have seen and this is why I really don’t want to talk you or ever see you.

 

I guess there is nothing more right now I can say and I’m really not sure what you can say to me....

Edited March 7, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[CollegeKid101]

You told him there's not much he can say to you...

 

There isn't. He no longer wants to be with you and that's all that really matters. To be completely honest, I wouldn't respond to that either and I would probably block you as well for your own sake.

 

Stop trying to contact him and make him feel bad, that drives people away and causes resentment. Go NC (no contact) and begin the healing process.