whatwhit Posted June 30, 2016 Posted June 30, 2016 Hello All, Happy almost 4th of July! I have been dating my boyfriend for about 2 and a half months. He's in the Army, when we first started dating things were great he would always pursue me. The thing is we were distance two! I was in Arizona and he was in Virgina. Ever since he's been back, things have been struggling. A month ago he threw a bomb at my mentioning how he didn't know if we should be together. I had no idea it was coming - he didn't like the fact that I'm struggling to support myself. But I feel like I am doing everything I can to help make ends meet. After us communicating he decided to stay and try to work things out. However, the fear of him breaking up with me with out warning always creeps in my head. He has a really good poker face so it's hard to tell when something is wrong. When I asked why he did that he can't give me an explanation - he just says I don't know. Has anyone had a rocky start to a relationship before and then it work out in the long run. I have met with a financial advisor to help me get better at finances I am trying to prove to him and myself that I can budget and not spend money on materialist things when I struggle to make rent. Also, is two months to say I love you to each other? We've been saying it, but I found out when he says it it's not in the "in love with you" way. Sigh. Appreciate any feedback
Gaeta Posted June 30, 2016 Posted June 30, 2016 How old are you dear? So you dated 2 months long distance. I guess it was an online romance and you only saw each other a couple of times? Then when the distance is over it's starting to get rocky over things he did not see before like how you manage your finances? How does your finances matter at this time in the dating game? Are you asking him for money? Why is it a big deal enough for him to want to break up? 1
Author whatwhit Posted June 30, 2016 Author Posted June 30, 2016 Hello Greta, I guess I shall explain more into details. I am 28, we started talking back in March when he was Virginia. We met and became official in April, he moved back to AZ in May and has been here ever since. He's has had past relationships where girlfriends have put him financial hardships. I have never asked him for money, but he's afraid of the long term if I am struggling with my finances. For instance he doesn't want me to go shopping if I know I am struggling financially. So, I am trying to prove I can do that. But it's also hard to move forward thinking he will break up with me all the time - he has hard time letting me know upfront when he has an issue. I have to bring up a conversation the lead him to expressing his concerns or he holds it in until he can't handle it anymore
BaileyB Posted June 30, 2016 Posted June 30, 2016 (edited) Yes, that is really early in the relationship to be having these kinds of difficulties. It sounds like trust and communication are going to be big issues for you both. I must say, I don't think that a relationship with this kind of stress so early on would be a relationship that I would want to stay. I would worry that the relationship would evolve into a rather unhealthy relationship. Be careful with this one. Best of luck to you. Edited June 30, 2016 by BaileyB
BaileyB Posted June 30, 2016 Posted June 30, 2016 I think, rereading your post... I feel for you that it's hard to make ends meet and I admire the way that you are working hard to get your finances in order. I would caution you that although you should want to bring your best to a relationship, you shouldn't have to prove yourself or change yourself for the relationship. If he's asking you to do that, it's not good. I understand why he would be cautious, given his past relationship history, but he should trust you and you should be careful you are not establishing a parent/child dynamic (where you have to justify your expenditures on "material" things.). You've only been with this guy for two months - your money is your own and it should be your decision at this point how you spend it! I also worry about his lack of communication. You really want to find a partner who treats you with respect, values you for who you are, and communicates openly and fairly with you. You deserve nothing less. 1
Redhead14 Posted June 30, 2016 Posted June 30, 2016 Hello All, Happy almost 4th of July! I have been dating my boyfriend for about 2 and a half months. He's in the Army, when we first started dating things were great he would always pursue me. The thing is we were distance two! I was in Arizona and he was in Virgina. Ever since he's been back, things have been struggling. A month ago he threw a bomb at my mentioning how he didn't know if we should be together. I had no idea it was coming - he didn't like the fact that I'm struggling to support myself. But I feel like I am doing everything I can to help make ends meet. After us communicating he decided to stay and try to work things out. However, the fear of him breaking up with me with out warning always creeps in my head. He has a really good poker face so it's hard to tell when something is wrong. When I asked why he did that he can't give me an explanation - he just says I don't know. Has anyone had a rocky start to a relationship before and then it work out in the long run. I have met with a financial advisor to help me get better at finances I am trying to prove to him and myself that I can budget and not spend money on materialist things when I struggle to make rent. Also, is two months to say I love you to each other? We've been saying it, but I found out when he says it it's not in the "in love with you" way. Sigh. Appreciate any feedback It's only been two and a half months and with distance. So, technically, it's been less than that in terms of quality time spent together. I'd be wary if he was telling you he loved you and vice versa. Calling him your boyfriend under these conditions is pre-mature. If you've been intimate, exclusivity should be the "status" at least. I'd leave this alone for a while and continue to observe whether he is meeting your basic dating needs. On top of that, he's been specific about why he's "holding back". I'd say he either doesn't want to get far into a relationship that would in some way be unbalanced in terms of supporting a relationship financially and/or having to worry about a woman in his life while he is away on duty, etc. I had no idea it was coming -- you two haven't spent enough time together to be able to "read" him anyway. And, very rarely, does anyone have a heads up -- no one says, hey, next week I'm going to tell you "I wanna break up, slow down, don't know what I want, etc. He just gave you an "idea" -- he didn't know if we should be together and he didn't like the fact that I'm struggling to support myself. He's rethinking things. After us communicating he decided to stay and try to work things out. -- I'd say you best focus on you and your situation and work to get things in order for yourself without trying to have a relationship with someone who clearly doesn't want to be burdened by someone else's problems.
kendahke Posted June 30, 2016 Posted June 30, 2016 Never, ever be at the mercy of anyone else for where you lay your head at night. At 2 1/2 months, he naturally should balk at moving in with you because he really doesn't know you. What he has experienced of you led him to feel that living with you right now is not in his best interests. You need to concentrate on getting your finances to the place where you don't need any guy's help to maintain your style of living.
Gaeta Posted June 30, 2016 Posted June 30, 2016 Hello Greta, I guess I shall explain more into details. I am 28, we started talking back in March when he was Virginia. We met and became official in April, he moved back to AZ in May and has been here ever since. He's has had past relationships where girlfriends have put him financial hardships. I have never asked him for money, but he's afraid of the long term if I am struggling with my finances. For instance he doesn't want me to go shopping if I know I am struggling financially. So, I am trying to prove I can do that. But it's also hard to move forward thinking he will break up with me all the time - he has hard time letting me know upfront when he has an issue. I have to bring up a conversation the lead him to expressing his concerns or he holds it in until he can't handle it anymore So you only have been dating 1 month. It's too soon to talk about love, too soon for ILY, and too soon to make life changes for him or him to ask you to make life changes when obviously he seems to not budge from his strict mentality. How long has he been single? It sounds to me that he still carries a lot of resentment toward his ex. Being in a committed relationship means to be reliable and also means being able to lean on your partner when the going gets tough. How strict is he with this financial rule? If one day you find yourself losing your job will you be able to lean on him for a while or he'll throw in your face he wanted a wife with a financial back bone? Does everything need to be split right in the middle? Does he earn 4 times what you do but still expect you to pay 50%? Honestly I don't like how he comes across in your story. We learn something about ourselves with each person crossing our path. Maybe this man purpose was to teach you about managing better your finance and that's all. Honestly are you that bad with your finance?
kendahke Posted June 30, 2016 Posted June 30, 2016 Honestly are you that bad with your finance? From OP: For instance he doesn't want me to go shopping if I know I am struggling financially. Shopping for what?
BaileyB Posted June 30, 2016 Posted June 30, 2016 As a frame of reference, I'm in a new relationship - very similar amount of time. We are not living together, have not said ILY, and we have not talked finances except for a few quick mentions to know that we are both financially secure. I'm planning to make a major purchase this week and buy a new bed - he doesn't know about it and he doesn't get a vote... Because, I don't know at this point if we will be together at 3 months, 6 months, 6 years, or 30 years. Work really hard such that you never have to live with a man or rely on him financially. You want to be in control of your own destiny. And, a good man will see your relationship as a partnership, and allow you the autonomy to keep your own independence.
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