Do some women lie about wanting a 2nd Date?

[MissBee]

How old are you? and how much experience in dating you have?

 

A man does not tell his date 'text me'. It's like telling a woman you want her to be the leader. We women don't like leading at beginning of a relationship. We want a man to show interest, to take us out on a first date and if he is interested he sets up the second date right away. No 'text me'.

 

Yes nowadays with online dating waiting 4 days to contact a woman after a 1st date is shooting yourself in the foot. This woman has tons of messages and tons of prospects, if you don't show your clear interest she will turn around. If she had posted on here or ask any of her girlfriend about you not communicating with her for 4 days after that first date they would all have told her to move on.

 

You had a date on Thursday, if you were interested you should have offered her a second date for Saturday.

 

Ditto.

 

I cannot speak for all women, but for me, and other women I know, this is true.

 

I would be turned off if a man says "text me..." after a date. What? Are we in middle school?

 

How all my successful dates-to-relationship or even dates-more-dates went.

 

- Went out, had a great time, good chemistry, lots of talking, laughing, things felt comfortable and easy

-Guy made his interest clear in his actions and words

-Some point during the date he says he wants to see me again or says we should do XYZ specific thing

- We end the date (a kiss usually occurs), he may text me right away to say he's home or just to say what a great time he had or will do it the next morning or reach out some time the next day and that way we're both confident that we BOTH are still on a "high" from our great date. I will message back and it is organic

-They usually call me and ask me out again for some time soon. The second date is usually established within a couple of days of the first and there is never a long gap in communication.

 

I haven't personally had a man (who later became someone I liked) ask me to text him or he doesn't communicate with me for 4 days post-date. I don't follow any "rules" but I do like for a man to lead early on and I also prefer men who this comes naturally to them. I know for some guys it doesn't and that's fine, it just means that me and a "text me" type of guy will not work well together as we have different expectations. The guys that are more of an organic fit for me are usually expressive and they actually make phone calls, and actually text and actually make plans quickly and all that also helps me to feel like they see something they like, they know I'm valuable and they wanna "lock me down" on their calendar and me theirs early on.

Edited June 30, 2016 by MissBee

[Swan89]

The reason I told her to text me is to gauge her interest level.

Katiegirl, you're smart. You know that if a guy takes a girl out near the end of the week, there's really no reason to take her out during the SAME week at the weekend, we have social lives and things to do. Of course I have things to do at the weekend, so should everyone.

At the beginning of the following week, you come home from work or whatever, and reach out to set up something in the next coming days. One date per week is perfect to begin with.

A little space creates anticipation and spikes wonder and interest!

[elaine567]

The reason I told her to text me is to gauge her interest level.

Katiegirl, you're smart. You know that if a guy takes a girl out near the end of the week, there's really no reason to take her out during the SAME week at the weekend, we have social lives and things to do. Of course I have things to do at the weekend, so should everyone.

A little space creates anticipation and spikes wonder and interest!

 

Not with this girl obviously.

[Gaeta]

The reason I told her to text me is to gauge her interest level.

Katiegirl, you're smart. You know that if a guy takes a girl out near the end of the week, there's really no reason to take her out during the SAME week at the weekend, we have social lives and things to do. Of course I have things to do at the weekend, so should everyone.

A little space creates anticipation and spikes wonder and interest!

 

As it did in your case didn't it..

 

You don't gauge the level of interest with things like 'text me'. You gauge it with I had a lovely evening, would you like we grab brunch together Sunday morning I know a fantastic place'.

 

If she says yes she is interested, if she refuses without offering another time she is not interested.

[katiegrl]

I would like to share a story about what happened after my good friend's first meet with her now-HUSBAND.

 

They met on line, chatted for a bit, and then met for coffee.

 

They clicked really well and the coffee turned into grabbing appetizers and beers at a local pub for the next couple of hours.

 

She came home really excited.

 

She did not hear from him for a week, an entire week.

 

She was extremely hurt and disappointed to say the least.

 

But continued chatting with other guys on line and even met a few others.

 

But nothing clicked the way she and this man had clicked.

 

After about a week, if my memory serves me correctly (hell it may have been longer!), he finally contacted her.

 

Since she really liked him, she was actually thrilled he contacted her and they had arranged their first date.

 

On their date, he shared with her... his mom had passed away during the night of their first meet. She had been ill for a while.... but he he was still devastated to say the least.

 

At first she was skeptical thinking it was just an excuse but again since she really liked him, and sensed he really liked her too (they just clicked in a way she very rarely clicks with men) she decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and continued to date him.

 

Came to find his mom really did pass away... they dated for a couple of years and are now happily married.

 

Moral of the story -- NEVER assume anything in dating, especially so early on, and especially after a first meet or date.

 

You just don't know what is going on with people.... just relax, get to know each other, feel it out and enjoy the process....

 

Again if you discover after dating him awhile (a few dates even) he is not what youre looking for, or is too busy or whatevs, then next him.

 

If you sense that after the first MEET, next him.

 

But not because he waited a bit to contact you again. You just don't know, it's wrong to assume, we need to give each other a break here and lower the expectations.

 

Nuff said from me.

[Versacehottie]

And some people sniff the game-playing strategizers and just yawn and exit.

 

I wonder if this is chips on shoulders, though. I've assumed it's: "People who don't give me what I want when I want it are bad." Is that the same thing?

 

Yeah I think she did yawn and exit because she was only marginally interested. He didn't show enough good to have her wanting to stay in it. She is not the first, nor will she be the last to kiss a guy and it means little more than that. Some people kiss them just so they will shut up because they are not so compelling but cute enough.

 

I think chip on shoulder and "People who don't give me what I want when I want it are bad" are pretty much the same or at least cousins of each other. It's a failure to see things from the other person's POV or an immaturity. An expectation of being burned or needing game to seemingly cover up weaknesses or past,repeated failures (or interpreting things like that). He is not at least offering her a 4 day cushion like he used on her without freaking out is a good example of not being able to see things from her POV and in context of the rest of it speaks volumes about what OP's mindset is.

 

Sad thing is if she is gaming too or busy and does get back to him, which she may do, he will think his behavior and corey wayne stuff works. So we go back to the original thing lots have said: you can do everything right also and after the first date (or even farther along) sometimes people just aren't interested. All you can do, OP, is learn from this instance and several people are telling you as a tactic, your game playing is just as likely to backfire. IMO, it's a layer you don't need to add to find a good relationship if you have something good to offer yourself. It just complicates things.

 

As a little off note, I need to read the research that you posted but I AM inclined to believe it. I just think OP is interpreting incorrectly. Guys (and girls) that hold back for genuine reasons (not desperate, not trying to win the other person over, busy, good reason to take time to get to know someone) will absolutely have good success in dating--because that is how most people should approach it. When you do it for not genuine reasons, don't expect real results.

[katiegrl]

Not with this girl obviously.

 

She didn't like him from the get go!

[katiegrl]

 

A little space creates anticipation and spikes wonder and interest!

 

I agree and disagree.

 

IF there is interest from the get go... that wondering and anticipation will increase it... for some women.

 

I know it does FOR ME, but ONLY if I have a strong interest from the get go. I happen to love that anticipation, but I am sort of a weirdo on this board.

 

If I do not have an initial interest, it won't do a damn thing to increase my interest.

 

It might for some women though.... but only if they're the type that enjoys the challenge and chase. THAT is what is appealing to them, the challenge you are creating, NOT you necessarily.

 

I don't believe in intentionally waiting to contact to increase interest. That is game playing and that turns me off.

 

If you are genuinely busy, or ill, or even if you just need a few days to consider your next move, imo that is FINE.

 

But I don't go for this wanting to call, but intentionally waiting.

 

Again, that is a form of manipulation and game playing is is not cool IMO.

[BlueIris]

She didn't like him from the get go!

 

That's a lot of certainty given that you don't actually know that and it isn't possible for you, him or anyone to know that.

 

You might have texted him right back but that is you. Not everyone is you.

[MissBee]

The reason I told her to text me is to gauge her interest level.

Katiegirl, you're smart. You know that if a guy takes a girl out near the end of the week, there's really no reason to take her out during the SAME week at the weekend, we have social lives and things to do. Of course I have things to do at the weekend, so should everyone.

At the beginning of the following week, you come home from work or whatever, and reach out to set up something in the next coming days. One date per week is perfect to begin with.

A little space creates anticipation and spikes wonder and interest!

 

I'm confused here.

 

A little space does that for YOU or even katiegirl...but you cannot presume ALL women see it that way, even after several women say they don't see it that way. You cannot also presume that every woman doesn't want to see a guy twice in one week or only the "smart ones" don't . I've definitely seen men I liked twice in a week. We really liked it each other. It felt completely appropriate.

 

I would be turned off by being asked to text a man to gauge my interest...if you wanna know my interest, ask me out again and see how I respond. That will tell you all you need to know.

 

At the end of the day though, as it always goes, is that if that's your style I'm sure some woman will like it and others won't. If it consistently doesn't work then maybe think about whether or not it's a style that most women appreciate or find puzzling. But if it does work and you're satisfied, keep on keeping on.

Edited June 30, 2016 by MissBee

[Gaeta]

She didn't like him from the get go!

 

She liked him enough to kiss him. At the end of the date she started to feel different probably because OP was lacking assertiveness. That lack of assertiveness was amplified when he told her to text him instead of doing like any confident man would have done which is tell her he'd like to see her again and book a second date with her.

 

Even if she was uncertain of liking him at the end of the date it does not mean her interest won't grow over a 2nd date or 3rd date. If OP had been genuine in his approach he could have save this.

[katiegrl]

That's a lot of certainty given that you don't actually know that and it isn't possible for you, him or anyone to know that.

 

You might have texted him right back but that is you. Not everyone is you.

 

I never said I would text him right back...

 

IF we had a super good first meet/date and were clicking really well, I would have been happy he contacted me.

 

I would probably contact him the next day.

 

Four days is not a huge deal to me (after a first meet).

 

If it is for you and other women, that's fine, whatever works.

 

As far as this chick, fair enough. I was assuming as I find it very hard to believe that a woman who REALLY likes a guy and felt a genuine connection with during that first meet (and vice versa) would suddenly lose all interest because he waited a few days to contact her again.

 

But I suppose it's a possibility, women (people) can be fickle in those early stages... change their minds... I admit that.

Edited June 30, 2016 by katiegrl

[Vado]

I will use the words of a very smart man and ask: And how is this working for you?

 

I am a woman so I think I know what women respond to. I have also done close to 4 years of online dating, again, I fully understand the dynamic on there.

 

Don't ask a fish how to catch fish, ask a fisherman.

[Redhead14]

First of all, having a first meeting between two parties who met online, should not be a "date" and there should be no making out unless those two people are really only interested in hooking up. To me that's almost like walking up to a stranger on the street and planting one on them.

 

A first meeting from OLD, in my book, is about making sure each party is who they say they are and whether or not there is 'enough there" to warrant a real date. It should be short and sweet.

 

she got quiet towards the end which I took as an indicator of her perhaps not enjoying it. -- That is about mind-reading. Perhaps she didn't like the noise and crowding, maybe she was tired, maybe, maybe, maybe.

 

And, fretting over a person you met once and kinda fell flat due to who knows what, is a waste of emotional energy. She said she'd check her schedule and get back to you. In the meantime, you're not spending more than 10 minutes tops thinking about her. You make a date with someone else or do something else until you hear from her. If it's a week later, you decide whether or not that space caused you to lose interest or not. You don't know, until you know . . . don't assume, don't project and don't take it personally.

[katiegrl]

First of all, having a first meeting between two parties who met online, should not be a "date" and there should be no making out unless those two people are really only interested in hooking up. To me that's almost like walking up to a stranger on the street and planting one on them.

 

A first meeting from OLD, in my book, is about making sure each party is who they say they are and whether or not there is 'enough there" to warrant a real date. It should be short and sweet.

 

]she got quiet towards the end which I took as an indicator of her perhaps not enjoying it.] -- That is about mind-reading. Perhaps she didn't like the noise and crowding, maybe she was tired, maybe, maybe, maybe.

 

And, fretting over a person you met once and kinda fell flat due to who knows what, is a waste of emotional energy. She said she'd check her schedule and get back to you. In the meantime, you're not spending more than 10 minutes tops thinking about her.

 

 

You make a date with someone else or do something else until you hear from her [him]. If it's a week later, you decide whether or not that space caused you to lose interest or not. You don't know, until you know . . . don't assume, don't project and don't take it personally.

 

Bolded -- Which is precisely what a woman should do as well.... after the first MEET.

Edited June 30, 2016 by katiegrl

[Gaeta]

If it's a week later, you decide whether or not that space caused you to lose interest or not. You don't know, until you know . . . don't assume, don't project and don't take it personally.

 

Ironic isn't it that OP would lose interest because she has not gotten back to him in 48 hours when he felt it was appropriate to not get back to her for 4 days.

[Vado]

I know its tough hun but if you're going to pretend to be anything other than yourself you'll never find the one for you

 

Part of dating is getting hurt, rejected etc

 

If you cant be yourself from day 1...no women is ever going to get to know the real you and love you for who you are

 

Your own true self will be perfect for the right girl....stop trying to play things a certain way....look where it got you

 

I heard Satu said something that really hit home with me and I thought it was beautiful

 

She said...in regards to OLD..."Many travel, few arrive."

 

Thats how OLD works...most of the time....but that doesnt discount the other times where it does work

 

Be yourself...keep at it...when you find the right one...you'll be glad you did

 

You got a point, but who are you if it comes to 'ýourself' Like most people I behave differently around my sister, parents, friends, colleagues, teacher, etc.. and yes, as visual creatures we (men) are, we behave differently when we see a beautiful girl, in a way we can't help it.

[Swan89]

In my books, asking for a second date ON the first date is pushy and puts her on the spot. Even if you think it shows assertiveness confidence, it also shows that you are fearful you'll never see her again and try to lock her down there and then. She didn't have to agree to talk on the phone when I texted her 4 days later. She could have said "I'm out at the moment with friends, so I'll let you know when I'm free to chat". She also didn't have to answer my text at all.

[LookAtThisPOst]

In my books, asking for a second date ON the first date is pushy and puts her on the spot. Even if you think it shows assertiveness confidence, it also shows that you are fearful you'll never see her again and try to lock her down there and then. She didn't have to agree to talk on the phone when I texted her 4 days later. She could have said "I'm out at the moment with friends, so I'll let you know when I'm free to chat". She also didn't have to answer my text at all.

 

Thing is, I'm not in the habit of doing this, but I DID so happen to ask a woman out on a 2nd date at the end of the first. It was at the end of our first "meet" from online.

 

I didn't say what day, but I mentioned doing something outdoors related and she was all for it as she is into the outdoors.

 

And no, she didn't bail on the 2nd (or first?) date, she committed to it completely.

[Vado]

In my books, asking for a second date ON the first date is pushy and puts her on the spot. Even if you think it shows assertiveness confidence, it also shows that you are fearful you'll never see her again and try to lock her down there and then. She didn't have to agree to talk on the phone when I texted her 4 days later. She could have said "I'm out at the moment with friends, so I'll let you know when I'm free to chat". She also didn't have to answer my text at all.

true, unless she brings it up

[Versacehottie]

In my books, asking for a second date ON the first date is pushy and puts her on the spot. Even if you think it shows assertiveness confidence, it also shows that you are fearful you'll never see her again and try to lock her down there and then. She didn't have to agree to talk on the phone when I texted her 4 days later. She could have said "I'm out at the moment with friends, so I'll let you know when I'm free to chat". She also didn't have to answer my text at all.

 

So I guess that's what she decided to do (for now). What's there to be upset about then, in your book?

 

I actually can respect that you don't feel like asking for 2nd date on a first. It sounds like a GENUINE preference of yours, which I can understand. Not a rule or a game play. I think you need to get more confident overall though.

 

You are confused because she kissed you so you think it should mean more than it does. A confident guy would have taken that ball and run with it. Thinking yeah she is interested enough, I don't need to ask her to text me to show interest AND I can feel confident asking for another date (whenever you do that).

[Redhead14]

In my books, asking for a second date ON the first date is pushy and puts her on the spot. Even if you think it shows assertiveness confidence, it also shows that you are fearful you'll never see her again and try to lock her down there and then. She didn't have to agree to talk on the phone when I texted her 4 days later. She could have said "I'm out at the moment with friends, so I'll let you know when I'm free to chat". She also didn't have to answer my text at all.

 

Too much mind-reading so early in the process (not that there ever should be any mind-reading) but . . . in this case, you left the ball in her court. If she didn't hit it back fast enough for you, you take your racket to another court.

 

If a man likes me enough to ask me for a second date at the end of the first date, I'd look for it to be a few days away, not the next night. To me that would be more about locking down. If that puts her on the spot, she's not good at thinking on her feet . . .

[Swan89]

So I guess that's what she decided to do (for now). What's there to be upset about then, in your book?

 

I actually can respect that you don't feel like asking for 2nd date on a first. It sounds like a GENUINE preference of yours, which I can understand. Not a rule or a game play. I think you need to get more confident overall though.

 

You are confused because she kissed you so you think it should mean more than it does. A confident guy would have taken that ball and run with it. Thinking yeah she is interested enough, I don't need to ask her to text me to show interest AND I can feel confident asking for another date (whenever you do that).

 

Who said I was upset? I'm a pretty confident guy, self assured and I know I have plenty of options.

I started this thread because I'm fascinated by the psychology of these things.

I'm loving these responses, very interesting to see other opinions.

[Versacehottie]

Who said I was upset? I'm a pretty confident guy, self assured and I know I have plenty of options.

I started this thread because I'm fascinated by the psychology of these things.

I'm loving these responses, very interesting to see other opinions.

 

Hmmm, apologies if you are not "upset". i thought that's why you posted the thread and pretty sure I caught a tone of it or two when you had a reply or two that supported your position. Anyway, hope you are learning from it. What you should take away from it at the very least is that women, just like guys, have a variety of reasons for why they do what they do. There is no formula, as even some of us with similar overall opinions would have done differently if in the same scenario as you and your date. lol, even the same poster may have done differently on different days. The beginning is a pretty fragile thing.

 

I do think though that you can skew things to your advantage so hopefully if you are REALLY taking in the responses you will learn from that portion. Like using momentum to help you, not hurt you and my personal favorite, do EVERYTHING you do in the dating arena with confidence, anything less is just a waste of your effort.

[Redhead14]

Who said I was upset? I'm a pretty confident guy, self assured and I know I have plenty of options.

I started this thread because I'm fascinated by the psychology of these things.

I'm loving these responses, very interesting to see other opinions.

 

I'm fascinated by the psychology of these things. -- So am I Nevertheless, the number 1 rule in studying psychology is to remember that there are no two men/women who are completely alike. You cannot base an approach on what one, even two people did and/or said in a particular situation. All you have is you, your common sense, intuition and preferences/wants/desires very early on. If another person doesn't fit into these things, no problem, you keep moving.

 

And, the other big problem in dating is the fact that there are so many immature, emotionally deficient people in the pool now due to failed marriages/relationships/upbringing who never learned how to learn from the past, not live in it, can't live in the moment and see the person right in front of them for who they are.

 

People who are dating nowadays are wading in very muddy waters. The process of sifting has become more difficult. I put quite a bit of blame on social media and virtual networking. We are being exposed to descriptions of scenarios and experiences of other people from whom we only hear one side. We can't know exactly what went wrong in a dating scenario, if anything. But, what this does is plant seeds in a persons head which causes them to project into their own scenarios and be afraid/overly cautious when dating based on nebulous/incomplete information which sometimes has been spun/skewed in a self-serving way which in itself is another problem.

 

The bottom line is be you, be patient and observe how you feel in a given scenario. She didn't get back to you in a time frame that you were comfortable with . . . so be it. The truth is, if she really had sincere interest in you, you wouldn't be wondering for very long.