Curious if this is a common scenario or I'm doing something horribly wrong?

[PrismOfLove]

I'm a 28 year old male, a bit of a late bloomer I suppose, although I'm not very inexperienced anymore after the past 5 years or so when it comes to dating. I've made my fair share of mistakes, but who hasn't?

 

One thing I cannot seem to figure out is if I'm having bum luck statistic-wise, am doing something incorrectly in the dating world, or a combination of both.

An enormous barrier from my experience has been most women I become interested in through either college or work already are in a relationship. 80% of women at my work have a ring on their finger (no exaggeration and most are younger than me). I fancied one woman at work who I proceeded to ask out which was answered with a no unfortunately, although I was not given to reason. At college, I usually get interested in a few per semester. All of the women last semester I was interested in were already seeing someone. I became friends with some, so I know they weren't fabrications.

 

Meeting women offline seems problematic, like even just finding dates feels like a rare occurrence even though I'm surrounded by women quite a bit. I work and go to college pretty much every day of the week and am constantly surrounded by thousands of people per week. Perhaps I'm not asking out enough women?

 

Online-wise it's about what you'd expect, perhaps one date every few months or so. Most of them duds, two of the last three included getting stood up and ignored. Recently, I met a women a few times I began to like (first in a while). I was over at her place and she seemed to want to have sex so I went along with it. I asked her right before it though, "I'm going to see you again, right?" She agreed. Sex is not all I'm looking for, I want consistency and emotion connection and not a ONS. Since she agreed I went with it. A few days later she tells me she isn't over her ex and can't start something new. This one hurt since it had been the first woman I could see myself with in a while. I've had problems with emotionally unavailable women in the past too.

 

Between women who are married, in a relationship, and emotionally unavailable, it feels like a search for the holy grail or something. I try the whole insert myself in work/school/hobbies and try to let it "just happen" as I hear people say, but nothing seems to happen unless I put in effort (as a male I suppose). Also, I see countless happy couples every day at work so it's tough to just put it out of my mind.

 

Would really appreciate some insight on the matter, does it sound like I'm doing something incorrectly or just getting the short straw? I've seen the statistics that show there are many more single men than women in the U.S. at my age range, which begins to shift as the age reaches the 40's/50's. I can give more information if needed about myself. I'd like the cycle to change!

 

TL;DR: Plenty of fish in the sea? Feels like I'm in a sea of fish that belong to other schools and fish interested in sharks.

[preraph]

That's the same complaint you'll hear from most women: All the good guys are taken. That's because attractive and interesting people are desired by a huge percentage of the population. I'm not saying you can't get one. Maybe it's bad timing. But maybe you are reaching for the best looking ones and need to come down a notch if it keeps up.

[CarrieT]

I was over at her place and she seemed to want to have sex so I went along with it. I asked her right before it though, "I'm going to see you again, right?" She agreed. Sex is not all I'm looking for, I want consistency and emotion connection and not a ONS. Since she agreed I went with it.

Big mistake here.

 

Wait and have sex with someone that is already consistent with whom you have an emotional connection.

 

Instead you looked like - and came across as - a player. By holding out, you may have been able to make her want you that much more by showing her that you really do, in fact, respect her.

[Satu]

I've said this often enough to be boring, but:

 

I recommend the 'common interest route.'

 

Look for clubs and societies centred around your interests, local to you.

 

Not 'meetup groups.'

 

Not internet based groups.

 

Groups that are active in the real world.

 

If you meet somebody in that setting, you immediately have something in common, and something to talk about.

 

I met one of my lovers/partners at an Astronomical Society meeting.

 

I met two of my closest friends at a violin group.

 

Forget dating.

 

Meet people instead.

 

Do stuff.

 

 

Take care.

Edited June 29, 2016 by Satu

[SteveE4]

To the OP, what city/school are you located?

[PrismOfLove]

I really appreciate the responses. I've been meaning to get my thoughts on a page for a while even if it's just a form of some minor venting.

 

That's the same complaint you'll hear from most women: All the good guys are taken. That's because attractive and interesting people are desired by a huge percentage of the population. I'm not saying you can't get one. Maybe it's bad timing. But maybe you are reaching for the best looking ones and need to come down a notch if it keeps up.

I have heard that clichè, yeah. Honestly, the women I go for aren't always at the top of the attractiveness scale. I go for one the ones attractive to me and by personality as well. Intelligence is a huge deal to me. I'll keep that in mind but I'm definitely not going to settle, I've tried before and it doesn't work.

 

Big mistake here.

 

Wait and have sex with someone that is already consistent with whom you have an emotional connection.

 

Instead you looked like - and came across as - a player. By holding out, you may have been able to make her want you that much more by showing her that you really do, in fact, respect her.

That's an interesting angle, I didn't really consider. I'm a bit confused how it seemed player-esque though. Perhaps it's just me being naive...but isn't "I'm going to see you again, right?" the opposite of what a player would say? I strongly meant it and asked because I myself didn't want to get played; I definitely respected her, I had even told her I liked her. If these thoughts are misguided, feel free to lay into me, haha.

I recommend the 'common interest route.'

---

Forget dating.

 

Meet people instead.

 

Do stuff.

Thank you for the advice, there are not many of those things around here, but I have tried joining a few clubs over the past few years. I always end up getting bored and not going back. I suppose little gathering like that are not in my wheel-house. Funnily enough there is not much I like more than having a fun conversation. Like women, maybe I just haven't found the right club yet. I should be moving to a bigger city within a few years with a lot more options. I hope that broadens my horizons a bit too!

Edited June 30, 2016 by PrismOfLove
clerical

[CarrieT]

but isn't "I'm going to see you again, right?" the opposite of what a player would say?

Not necessarily. It is often exactly what a player would say to sort of ensure a consistent lay....

 

I definitely respected her, I had even told her I liked her.

Nope. If you genuinely respected her, you would have waited to have sex until you two had gone on several more dates and confirmed exclusivity.

[Satu]

Not necessarily. It is often exactly what a player would say to sort of ensure a consistent lay....

 

 

Nope. If you genuinely respected her, you would have waited to have sex until you two had gone on several more dates and confirmed exclusivity.

 

I agree.

 

(10 characters.)

[Els]

I commend you for not settling in terms of attraction, especially when your requirement (intelligence/personality) is something that will carry your relationship through the tough times that every R necessarily goes through.

 

As to why you're having trouble, a few thoughts:

 

1) The number of women you're finding yourself attracted to is normal, I think. I'm generally also attracted to maybe 1-2 guys out of every 30 or so that I meet. So I did start dating a bit late compared to my peers, and didn't really 'date around' much at all, but my Rs lasted longer than the average new dating scenario would, since the guys I was sufficiently attracted to (to want to date) were automatically compatible with me in at least some way or another. It's a pretty good filter IMO.

 

2) I agree with Satu, join hobby groups.

 

3) I don't think you're 'not respecting women' by having casual sex with them, assuming that they were fully consenting and informed. But it's true that if you sleep around a lot, you get a reputation as a 'player', and people who want LTRs will tend to stay away from you. This goes for both sexes - women are judged worse but while men aren't 'judged' by society per se, relationship-minded women will still usually not want to date them.

[redbaron007]

Not necessarily. It is often exactly what a player would say to sort of ensure a consistent lay....

 

 

Nope. If you genuinely respected her, you would have waited to have sex until you two had gone on several more dates and confirmed exclusivity.

 

I don't agree with this statement. If both parties were fine with having sex, then how is OP not respectful? You could however argue that the woman did not respect OP since she obviously lied.

[PrismOfLove]

To the OP' date=' what city/school are you located? [/quote'] Not really comfortable giving out that information online, sorry man. I'm from California though...

 

Not necessarily. It is often exactly what a player would say to sort of ensure a consistent lay....

 

 

Nope. If you genuinely respected her, you would have waited to have sex until you two had gone on several more dates and confirmed exclusivity.

Not sure I really agree with this, but I'll try to be more conscious of the timeline in the future. This is the first time I've had sex since my last LTR about just shy of a year ago. She knew I was genuine, in fact in the "break-up message", she mentioned how genuine I am and how much of a rarity it is nowadays. Doubtful she picked up player vibes but I see your inference from my lack of context.

1) The number of women you're finding yourself attracted to is normal, I think. I'm generally also attracted to maybe 1-2 guys out of every 30 or so that I meet. So I did start dating a bit late compared to my peers, and didn't really 'date around' much at all, but my Rs lasted longer than the average new dating scenario would, since the guys I was sufficiently attracted to (to want to date) were automatically compatible with me in at least some way or another. It's a pretty good filter IMO.

I can definitely relate to this. Since I work a register, I see so many women pass through at work that I'm attracted to some and engage is playful conversations with, but they're costumers, so it ends there. Think my biggest obstacle besides the waves of unavailable women is just meeting women in general and showing reciprocated interest.

 

You could however argue that the woman did not respect OP since she obviously lied.

She didn't lie, she realized she wasn't over her ex after this date. She felt she owed it to me to not get involved. I choose to believe her since she seemed quite genuine as well in the time I knew her. I think she respected me, at least I hope so...

 

 

-----------------------------------------

The consensus I'm getting is that I need to meet more people. A thought that goes through my mind quite a bit. I've always had a problem with this, having suffered through social anxiety a lot of my life. I keep telling myself once I move to a bigger city and bigger college, it will get easier to meet more people, but I can't put my life on hold until then. Easier said than done I suppose.

[CarrieT]

She didn't lie, she realized she wasn't over her ex after this date. She felt she owed it to me to not get involved. I choose to believe her since she seemed quite genuine as well in the time I knew her. I think she respected me, at least I hope so...

This does reiterate my point that the sex happened too soon. Sure, she was willing, but if you had continued to date her and wait until there was a discussion of exclusivity and commitment, you might have learned sooner that she wasn't over her Ex.

 

I keep telling myself once I move to a bigger city and bigger college, it will get easier to meet more people, but I can't put my life on hold until then. Easier said than done I suppose.

When is this happening?

[oldshirt]

Not necessarily. It is often exactly what a player would say to sort of ensure a consistent lay....

 

 

Nope. If you genuinely respected her, you would have waited to have sex until you two had gone on several more dates and confirmed exclusivity.

 

I normally agree with Carrie but I disagree with this and disagree with the player angle that some people are implying.

 

She was the player here. You were the one that got played. She was the one looking for some ego strokes and may have even been playing you to get back at her BF or to get him back by making him jealous.

 

She did not break things off with you because you came off as a player at all.

[oldshirt]

Now in regards to you original issues and questions, you sound exactly like me when I was your age almost 25 years ago and my experience was extremely similar.

 

Here is an inconvenient truth that I finally realized when I was your age, desirable women in their 20s are rarely if ever completely free and available. They are always seeing someone to one degree or another.

 

To make matters worse, it is very rare for an attractive woman to have much if any completely free period between suitors if a relationship ends. They typically will have a number of suitors waiting in the wings and will monkey swing from one to the next without much if any time between the two.

 

If you wait until someone is completely free and clear of any entanglements, you are going to spend your life on the sidelines watching other people play.

 

I'm going to tell you what I had to learn myself at your age on my own. You're going to have to make your moves, take your best shots and play your best game while they still have BFs or when they are dating other people.

 

If you aren't at the top of their batting lineup when they decide they need a new BF or when their current relationship goes sour, you won't get your chance.

 

You are likely a recovering "nice guy" that is getting frustrated at getting left behind by playing by the rules. When you decide it's finally your turn to come out on top, you will need to roll up your sleeves and put your game face on and be ready to play some hardball and be willing to get kind of scuffed up and get a little dirty on the playing field rather than keeping squeaky clean on the bleachers.

[oldshirt]

And I also disagree with those telling you to "wait" when the chemistry is there and you are getting clear green lights from the lady.

 

I'm not saying to pressure anyone or try to force things to move faster than they should naturally or organically.

 

But I am saying when the chemistry is there and you are getting bright and clear green lights from her GO FOR IT AND GO FOR IT NOW!!! Don't sit on your hands and lose the moment. You may only have a small window of opportunity.

 

Seize the moment and bring the thunder with you. Take the opportunity and give it all you got and rock her world to the best of your ability and then do it again.

 

The one you ride off into the sunset with is the one that you make the biggest emotional impact on.

[JAbba2gEther]

I'm a 28 year old male, a bit of a late bloomer I suppose, although I'm not very inexperienced anymore after the past 5 years or so when it comes to dating. I've made my fair share of mistakes, but who hasn't?

 

One thing I cannot seem to figure out is if I'm having bum luck statistic-wise, am doing something incorrectly in the dating world, or a combination of both.

An enormous barrier from my experience has been most women I become interested in through either college or work already are in a relationship. 80% of women at my work have a ring on their finger (no exaggeration and most are younger than me). I fancied one woman at work who I proceeded to ask out which was answered with a no unfortunately, although I was not given to reason. At college, I usually get interested in a few per semester. All of the women last semester I was interested in were already seeing someone. I became friends with some, so I know they weren't fabrications.

 

Meeting women offline seems problematic, like even just finding dates feels like a rare occurrence even though I'm surrounded by women quite a bit. I work and go to college pretty much every day of the week and am constantly surrounded by thousands of people per week. Perhaps I'm not asking out enough women?

 

Online-wise it's about what you'd expect, perhaps one date every few months or so. Most of them duds, two of the last three included getting stood up and ignored. Recently, I met a women a few times I began to like (first in a while). I was over at her place and she seemed to want to have sex so I went along with it. I asked her right before it though, "I'm going to see you again, right?" She agreed. Sex is not all I'm looking for, I want consistency and emotion connection and not a ONS. Since she agreed I went with it. A few days later she tells me she isn't over her ex and can't start something new. This one hurt since it had been the first woman I could see myself with in a while. I've had problems with emotionally unavailable women in the past too.

 

Between women who are married, in a relationship, and emotionally unavailable, it feels like a search for the holy grail or something. I try the whole insert myself in work/school/hobbies and try to let it "just happen" as I hear people say, but nothing seems to happen unless I put in effort (as a male I suppose). Also, I see countless happy couples every day at work so it's tough to just put it out of my mind.

 

Would really appreciate some insight on the matter, does it sound like I'm doing something incorrectly or just getting the short straw? I've seen the statistics that show there are many more single men than women in the U.S. at my age range, which begins to shift as the age reaches the 40's/50's. I can give more information if needed about myself. I'd like the cycle to change!

 

TL;DR: Plenty of fish in the sea? Feels like I'm in a sea of fish that belong to other schools and fish interested in sharks.

 

I hear your disappointment. You want to settle down with the right partner, and you are afraid that you will not find a person as you are 29. You were recently disappointed by a woman you admired to an extent that you were willing to share yourself in the physical intimacy of sex. Out of desperation, you hoped that this would help her to choose you. yet it wasn't to be.

 

I hear your heart. The future is hard to see, and no one can predict the future. Perseverance will pay off. I was not married until I was 30 and I married a lady six years younger than me. We are still together today, and have a child. But, when I was 25, I was really freaking out as I tried to find a girl that would suit me.

 

A couple of tips:

a. write down the type of personality you are, and think about your own family of origin. Your partner will often reciprocate the style and personality of your mother.

b. Journal the ideal way you want to meet her. Brainstorm some of the ways you can meet someone and write down the pros and cons.

c. Set your dates a high standard and do not yield to their demanding you meet their biological desires for sex if you are not ready. Some of the women think this is the standard all men want. If you work out your standards, and stick to them, then the pain of rejection or the guilt of going too far will be lessened.

d. Talk to your 29 year old married friends about what worked for them, and ask them what type of women do they think would suit you. A second opinion is often good.

e. Don't get too desperate. Many women are choosing to remain single now, so why not the men? You can achieve a lot as a single, you do not have to be limited by another person's expectations and you can choose your friends.

f. You might see happy couples, but behind the facade, there are some pretty unhappy ones as well. Do some research and visualise what might constitute happiness. Make yourself ready for your partner by assessing ways that you can make yourself irresistible to a prospective partner. And this is not merely by having muscles everywhere, nor by being the best in bed. It means you are working on your listening skills, your ability to communicate, your courtesy and respect for women; and your ability to share about yourself in conversation

 

All the best and hold on tight. Your dream may just be around the corner. In the meanwhile, enjoy the ride.

[PrismOfLove]

This does reiterate my point that the sex happened too soon. Sure, she was willing, but if you had continued to date her and wait until there was a discussion of exclusivity and commitment, you might have learned sooner that she wasn't over her Ex.

 

 

When is this happening?

You're right, but it would be a moot point because she would still be emotionally unavailable. I'm not upset I had sex or anything, I was just hoping our connection (mental and physical) could be the start of something. She was the type of woman I rarely meet - in a good way.

 

I'm going to move once I finish the first half of a BA in the town I reside in, so a year or two. Which city is still in the air though! I really do put things off along with being a late bloomer. I have a habit of dreaming of the future and just getting by in the present. An example would be the fact I look young (both my parents are approaching 70 and look ~50). I look 20 facially now and keep telling myself that I will look 25 when I'm 40 (which is most likely true) and that I'll have an easier time then. Wishful thinking most likely...

 

Now in regards to you original issues and questions, you sound exactly like me when I was your age almost 25 years ago and my experience was extremely similar.

 

Here is an inconvenient truth that I finally realized when I was your age, desirable women in their 20s are rarely if ever completely free and available. They are always seeing someone to one degree or another.

 

To make matters worse, it is very rare for an attractive woman to have much if any completely free period between suitors if a relationship ends. They typically will have a number of suitors waiting in the wings and will monkey swing from one to the next without much if any time between the two.

 

If you wait until someone is completely free and clear of any entanglements, you are going to spend your life on the sidelines watching other people play.

 

I'm going to tell you what I had to learn myself at your age on my own. You're going to have to make your moves, take your best shots and play your best game while they still have BFs or when they are dating other people.

 

If you aren't at the top of their batting lineup when they decide they need a new BF or when their current relationship goes sour, you won't get your chance.

 

You are likely a recovering "nice guy" that is getting frustrated at getting left behind by playing by the rules. When you decide it's finally your turn to come out on top, you will need to roll up your sleeves and put your game face on and be ready to play some hardball and be willing to get kind of scuffed up and get a little dirty on the playing field rather than keeping squeaky clean on the bleachers.

 

So it is a common scenario it seems..thank you for answering the main point of my thread. I'm not really the aggressive type of guy, but I'm a lot less passive than I used to be.

I'm not going to make moves on women with boyfriends, however. Just imagining some guy putting moves on my girlfriend puts a sour taste in my mouth. Even as a huge baseball fan, the batting order analogy is a bit upsetting. Do that many women really have rotations and on-deck hitters lined up?

 

I'm not sure what you mean by "nice guy" and what am I recovering from?

 

I hear your disappointment. You want to settle down with the right partner, and you are afraid that you will not find a person as you are 29. You were recently disappointed by a woman you admired to an extent that you were willing to share yourself in the physical intimacy of sex. Out of desperation, you hoped that this would help her to choose you. yet it wasn't to be.

 

I hear your heart. The future is hard to see, and no one can predict the future. Perseverance will pay off. I was not married until I was 30 and I married a lady six years younger than me. We are still together today, and have a child. But, when I was 25, I was really freaking out as I tried to find a girl that would suit me.

 

A couple of tips:

a. write down the type of personality you are, and think about your own family of origin. Your partner will often reciprocate the style and personality of your mother.

b. Journal the ideal way you want to meet her. Brainstorm some of the ways you can meet someone and write down the pros and cons.

c. Set your dates a high standard and do not yield to their demanding you meet their biological desires for sex if you are not ready. Some of the women think this is the standard all men want. If you work out your standards, and stick to them, then the pain of rejection or the guilt of going too far will be lessened.

d. Talk to your 29 year old married friends about what worked for them, and ask them what type of women do they think would suit you. A second opinion is often good.

e. Don't get too desperate. Many women are choosing to remain single now, so why not the men? You can achieve a lot as a single, you do not have to be limited by another person's expectations and you can choose your friends.

f. You might see happy couples, but behind the facade, there are some pretty unhappy ones as well. Do some research and visualise what might constitute happiness. Make yourself ready for your partner by assessing ways that you can make yourself irresistible to a prospective partner. And this is not merely by having muscles everywhere, nor by being the best in bed. It means you are working on your listening skills, your ability to communicate, your courtesy and respect for women; and your ability to share about yourself in conversation

 

All the best and hold on tight. Your dream may just be around the corner. In the meanwhile, enjoy the ride.

 

Thank you for the surprisingly heartfelt post. I didn't have sex out of desperation or a way to lock-down a prospect though, I did it because I wanted to and I felt a connection with her. I agree with you, perseverance is key and not just for relationships. I gave the same advice to someone for someone trying to find work recently. I will take your a-f to heart. Luckily I think one of my strengths is my ability to communicate and listen, so I think I'm good in that department! I know that pays off a lot in the long run.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

So it is a common scenario it seems..thank you for answering the main point of my thread. I'm not really the aggressive type of guy, but I'm a lot less passive than I used to be.

I'm not going to make moves on women with boyfriends, however. Just imagining some guy putting moves on my girlfriend puts a sour taste in my mouth. Even as a huge baseball fan, the batting order analogy is a bit upsetting. Do that many women really have rotations and on-deck hitters lined up?

 

 

 

 

 

 

You are going to have to follow your own values and your own moral compass. However I am just leveling with you and telling it like it is. If you sit passively waiting for a desirable woman to be completely free and clear of any other entanglements before you make your moves and before you make your offer, you are going to spend your life waiting.....and waiting....and waiting.

 

The reason you will be passed over if you try to wait until they are completely free is the 'on-deck' principle. If you aren't making your moves while they are still seeing someone, you won't be on-deck or on the batting line up when the relationship goes to pot or when she is ready for a new BF.

 

If a woman is wanting a new BF, she is going to start tryouts and start grooming a few while she is seeing her current suitor.

 

If her relationship suddenly goes to crap and she finds herself getting dumped or getting cheated on or something, she will grab on to the one(s) on deck real quick, then ride him/them like a big white horse and then back off under the guise of "I'm not ready..." That is likely what happened to you with the gal you slept with that pined for her ex the next day.

 

...and yes, ALL desirable women do this to one degree or another even though they will all vehemently deny it.

 

Now I will say this to make a clarification point - I am not necessarily saying to poach other guy's GFs per se. I am saying that you need to make your move and make your offer and you need to make a good, solid offer.

 

If she declines, accept her declination with grace and style and keep moving on to the next one, but remain "friends" and keep the offer open and on the table. I'm not saying to sneaking into her bedroom window at night, but get your reservation in and keep it open.

 

I have literally had women come call me up a couple YEARS later when they broke up with their BFs and ask if I was still interested.

 

My point is make your best offer and give it your best shot. If they accept, then their relationship wasn't that strong to begin with or they think that you are clearly the bigger and better deal.

 

If they decline because they have a BF, accept it with a smile and keep the offer on the table. They may be back days, weeks, months or even years down the road, but unless they are truly out of your league, they always do turn up at some point.

 

Just don't wait for anyone. If you get a thanks but no thanks, keep moving on.

[oldshirt]

My point is make your best offer and give it your best shot. If they accept, then their relationship wasn't that strong to begin with or they think that you are clearly the bigger and better deal.

 

I want to make another very important point.

 

A lot of dating relationships are no where near as serious or committed as what you might think they are.

 

A lot of women will date a guy as a "place keeper" and will kind of default to going out with him for companionship and entertainment and also so that they don't feel or appear alone. They may be dating that dude regularly but the moment a bigger, better deal comes along, they disappear into a cloud of dust heading down the street.

 

If you are that bigger, better deal, you walk away with her on your arm with relatively little effort or fanfare and no where near as much drama as what you might think.

 

Moral of the story here is you really have no idea how serious or how committed someone is until you take the shot and make the offer. She may be dating someone but for all you know, that relationship may be just hanging on by a thread. If you show up on the scene and are a bigger and better deal and you make the right offer, you just bumped yourself up to the top of the batting order.

 

But if you sit passively waiting for someone to be free and clear before you take the shot, you will just be sitting there indefinitely.

[Els]

The consensus I'm getting is that I need to meet more people. A thought that goes through my mind quite a bit. I've always had a problem with this, having suffered through social anxiety a lot of my life. I keep telling myself once I move to a bigger city and bigger college, it will get easier to meet more people, but I can't put my life on hold until then. Easier said than done I suppose.

It likely will be easier. And given that you're not completely new to dating and flirting, 28 is fine really IMO. I mean, I won't lie, relationship experience is something that you don't get from just casual dating (and it's very important, which is why people rarely end up spending their lives with their first bf/gf), but it's not like you're 45 without ever having had a long-term relationship. You're 28. Lots of men and women your age have never had a LTR, so don't worry too much about it.

 

So it is a common scenario it seems..thank you for answering the main point of my thread. I'm not really the aggressive type of guy, but I'm a lot less passive than I used to be.

I'm not going to make moves on women with boyfriends, however. Just imagining some guy putting moves on my girlfriend puts a sour taste in my mouth.

 

Excellent decision. Even though bf/gfs aren't nearly as serious as marriages or even live-in relationships, I honestly can't imagine what sort of person would purposefully go around hitting on women in relationships. That's terrible, and especially in a small town, would give you a godawful reputation. Might even get you beaten up badly.

 

I normally agree with Carrie but I disagree with this and disagree with the player angle that some people are implying.

 

She was the player here. You were the one that got played. She was the one looking for some ego strokes and may have even been playing you to get back at her BF or to get him back by making him jealous.

 

She did not break things off with you because you came off as a player at all.

 

It doesn't matter who 'played' who, if he is going around sleeping with random women frequently, in many cases women who desire LTRs aren't going to be interested in him. Last I checked, he wanted an actual R, so this is pertinent to him. If all he wants is sex then by all means he should continue doing this.

Edited July 1, 2016 by Elswyth

[oldshirt]

 

 

Excellent decision. Even though bf/gfs aren't nearly as serious as marriages or even live-in relationships, I honestly can't imagine what sort of person would purposefully go around hitting on women in relationships. That's terrible, and especially in a small town, would give you a godawful reputation. Might even get you beaten up badly.

 

 

 

 

.

 

That sort of person is often referred to as a "bad boy" which are the ones that get the girls. Bad boys get the girls because they aren't afraid of what the neighbors think and aren't afraid to make another dude upset.

 

 

But on a serious note, until someone is engaged with an accepted proposal of marriage, a ring and date, they are single and single people can make other single people their offer. It's up to the recipient of the offer as to what they will do.

 

 

And as I said above, I am not suggesting he target women with BFs or that he screw as many women with BFs as he can.

 

 

He needs to follow his own values and moral code.

 

 

What I am saying is that the vast majority of desirable women are dating someone to one degree or another and that if some gal catches his interest, he should take the shot and make his best offer whether she is dating someone or not. At that point it will be up to her whether to accept or not. If she declines the offer, accept it gracefully and keep the offer on the table because statistically speaking, the numbers favor that most women will not marry the dude they are dating today and if he can get his name on the batting line up before she breaks up with the other guy, he will stand a chance.

 

 

If he simply sits and waits for the attractive women to completely free and clear, he will spend his life waiting.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

It doesn't matter who 'played' who, if he is going around sleeping with random women frequently, in many cases women who desire LTRs aren't going to be interested in him. Last I checked, he wanted an actual R, so this is pertinent to him. If all he wants is sex then by all means he should continue doing this.

 

He hasn't said a word about sleeping around with random women, I don't know where you are getting that.

 

 

And in this instance it does matter who played who because people were suggesting that the reason that gal broke it off with him was because he was acting like a player.

 

 

I think that is completely false and that he did not come off as a player at all. SHE was the player because he was clearly looking for a relationship and she pushed his buttons for her own ego boost and to get back with her ex. She was the one with the alternative agenda and clearly played him.

[redbaron007]

...I'm not going to make moves on women with boyfriends, however. Just imagining some guy putting moves on my girlfriend puts a sour taste in my mouth.

 

If you approach enough women, especially in chance encounters (cold approaches), you will inadvertently make moves on women who have boyfriends. They don't intend to cheat on their BFs, they just won't reveal they have BFs, especially if they are younger (<25'ish).

 

Even as a huge baseball fan, the batting order analogy is a bit upsetting. Do that many women really have rotations and on-deck hitters lined up?

 

I asked the same question in one of my threads, and from the few responses from women, I gather that "monkey-branching" is more prevalent among younger women. As they get older, they tend to have cleaner breaks between relationships.

 

I'm not sure what you mean by "nice guy" and what am I recovering from?

 

OldShirt is using a term from "No More Mr. Nice Guy" - by Robert Glover, a must-read. A "nice guy" is someone who believes that if he is "nice" to others, then others will invariably reciprocate, and gets upset when they don't. For example, a "nice guy" thinks: I'm always polite and friendly to that girl, help her with homework, I comforted her when her ex ditched her, so she's got to pick me as her BF....and then gets upset when she picks someone else who wasn't as "nice".

[oldshirt]

If you approach enough women, especially in chance encounters (cold approaches), you will inadvertently make moves on women who have boyfriends. They don't intend to cheat on their BFs, they just won't reveal they have BFs, especially if they are younger (<25'ish).

 

.

 

Which brings up another good point.

 

When you encounter a woman that catches your interest, ask her out. Don't even ask if she has a BF.

 

At that particular point in time, her personal life really isn't even any of your business.

 

If she starts seeing you, dating you, falling in love with and you get married and have a home and family together and THEN, you find out she had a BF when you started dating, then that is on her. But it wasn't your problem or your business at the time.

 

I'm exaggerating to make a point but my point is ask out and make your offer to women that you find intriquing and attractive without even asking if they have a BF or not.

 

If they do, it's on them how to deal with your offer.

 

It's truly really none of your business until you get to the stage of discussing whether to be exclusive in your own relationship.

[PrismOfLove]

Which brings up another good point.

 

When you encounter a woman that catches your interest, ask her out. Don't even ask if she has a BF.

 

At that particular point in time, her personal life really isn't even any of your business.

 

If she starts seeing you, dating you, falling in love with and you get married and have a home and family together and THEN, you find out she had a BF when you started dating, then that is on her. But it wasn't your problem or your business at the time.

 

I'm exaggerating to make a point but my point is ask out and make your offer to women that you find intriquing and attractive without even asking if they have a BF or not.

 

If they do, it's on them how to deal with your offer.

 

It's truly really none of your business until you get to the stage of discussing whether to be exclusive in your own relationship.

 

I don't really ever ask women if they have a boyfriend, I just ask them out and that's usually the reply with the refusal (if they have one). I probably haven't asked out enough women to know all the ins and outs like you, so thank you for all the tips oldshirt. I've been a lot less passive the past few years but it still is a bit frightening for me, haha.

 

I think that is completely false and that he did not come off as a player at all. SHE was the player because he was clearly looking for a relationship and she pushed his buttons for her own ego boost and to get back with her ex. She was the one with the alternative agenda and clearly played him.

I knew her well enough to know that she was not doing it for an ego boost or any alternative agenda. She just had a change of heart from feelings she didn't realize were manifesting. Her ex lives in a different country so I doubt they'd get back together.

 

 

It likely will be easier. And given that you're not completely new to dating and flirting' date=' 28 is fine really IMO. I mean, I won't lie, relationship experience is something that you don't get from just casual dating (and it's very important, which is why people rarely end up spending their lives with their first bf/gf), but it's not like you're 45 without ever having had a long-term relationship. You're 28. Lots of men and women your age have never had a LTR, so don't worry too much about it.[/quote']

I actually do have LTR relationship experience of about a year and a half, but I agree it will get easier, thanks!

 

OldShirt is using a term from "No More Mr. Nice Guy" - by Robert Glover, a must-read. A "nice guy" is someone who believes that if he is "nice" to others, then others will invariably reciprocate, and gets upset when they don't. For example, a "nice guy" thinks: I'm always polite and friendly to that girl, help her with homework, I comforted her when her ex ditched her, so she's got to pick me as her BF....and then gets upset when she picks someone else who wasn't as "nice".

Thanks for the definition, I can see perhaps a little bit of that many years ago, but I wouldn't say it really describes me. My problem in the past (the present too I suppose?) has just been shyness and passiveness. I was the type of guy a lot of women go for but I just kept silent and in isolation. Attractive women were into me and I was just pretty much oblivious, haha. Too afraid to do anything about it a lot of the time. I'm a bit more aggressive and less passive nowadays so I've been running into the problem this thread is about.

Edited July 2, 2016 by PrismOfLove