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Being paranoid while boyfriend is on vacation

chebell

By chebell
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chebell Member

chebell

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Hello, dears!

I'm 21 and my boyfriend of almost 1 year is 22. We met in Tinder and had sex already on the first date. He's a musician and plays guitar in a band. I've met his family, friends & am invited to all his family occasions. His mom also told me that he's never introduced a girl to his family before.

 

Anyway, 2 weeks ago we went on a vacation to Greece together for 4 days, and when the vacay ended, he said that it was awesome but he couldn't wait to get back home to make some music. A few days went by and then one morning we woke up and he says that his flight to Spain will be off next morning. Ofcourse I was sad and confused, cause he had just told me that he wanted to do music & now he goes to another vacation for almost 3 weeks?

 

I asked him why did he tell me that so late and he told me that he was afraid to tell me, cause he didn't want to fight and knew how sad I would be. We had quite a big fight about that until we were both in tears. But we made up, said our "love yous", I stayed the night & sent him to the plane in the morning and wished him a great trip.

 

He went to Spain for almost 3 weeks with one of his best friends. I haven't met his friend, cause he lives in other country & they only see each other 2-3 times a year. His friend has also a girlfriend.

 

The thing is, the longest we've been away from each other is a week and what I'm concerned about is that his relationship status on Facebook is still single and I'm afraid he'll use Tinder there, too. I told him about my fears (not this Facebook and Tinder thing) & he said I'm just being paranoid.

 

Still, remember I said we hooked up on a first date? I want to trust him & I really love him, but I just can't keep these bad thoughts out of my mind. We have a very sexual relationship too cause we have sex basically every time we see each other, but now he will be away for 3 weeks, so I just hope he won't get too depressed.. you know.

 

Any advice? Or maybe has someone been in similar situation, how did you cope with it?

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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rlc1957 Member

rlc1957

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Hi. I am a bit older than you and male but I understand how you feel, at least a little.

It's called insecurity....you knew that. It's also called trust but you knew that as well.

If he wants to fool around on you he doesn't need to leave town. That's not to make you anxious but to remind you that we all have to make choices all of the time.

The best thing you can do is to let him know you miss him....tell him what you want to do with him when he gets back....and just go about your life until he gets back.

We can spend too much time worrying about what "may" happen and miss out on life...

 

 

Good luck and learn to trust him and yourself.

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chebell Member

chebell

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Thank you! That "If he wants to fool around on you he doesn't need to leave town" part made me feel better.

I really want to trust him, but I've been cheated on in the past by my ex and I know I can't blame him for someone else's mistakes. I also told him I trust him but deep down as you see, I'm not sure.. :(

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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I also find it odd he didn't mention a 3-week trip until the night before he was leaving. He obviously had it all planned out, so it seems strange that kept you totally in the dark until the last minute. He said he didn't want to upset you - have there been arguments about this type of thing before?

 

I don't necessarily think he's going to cheat and as another poster pointed out, he doesn't need to leave the country to do so. But there seems to be a disconnect in the relationship somewhere. Have there been previous issues regarding trust?

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chebell Member

chebell

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Well he did mention last month that he'll probably go to some band's concert in Spain in July, but not that he'll be there for 3 weeks. We've only had arguments over the most silliest things, like Instagram comments etc, nothing special.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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Well he did mention last month that he'll probably go to some band's concert in Spain in July, but not that he'll be there for 3 weeks. We've only had arguments over the most silliest things, like Instagram comments etc, nothing special.

 

Hmm - this could be a clue about his current mindset. Can you give an example of these comments? Is it him writing comments that you don't like?

 

How often do you argue?

 

I ask because if he's telling the truth that he kept this trip from you in order to avoid a fight, there are deeper problems bubbling under the surface. It's kind of a lame reason not to let your partner know you'll be gone for 3 weeks, but I feel we need a little more context here.

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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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I know you love the guy BUT you both have a very different idea how you want a relationship to work. He wants to keep his life very independent from his romantic life....so he will be going out of town a lot like he normally does. You want a BF that makes you a part of his life, sharing and building a life together. He ain't interested in that at all, so you can argue with him all you want, nothing about his lifestyle is going to change just because he is dating you. Time to have a think, and reassess your expectations...it just might be a matter of incompatibility.

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kendahke Established Member

kendahke

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How often do you argue?

 

I ask because if he's telling the truth that he kept this trip from you in order to avoid a fight, there are deeper problems bubbling under the surface.

 

This here, I believe, is the crux of you problem.

 

When things don't go your way, do you always bring a fight? Is he so lame that he does stupid things that push you to bring a fight?

 

Fighting is not the way to resolve anything. Most people do whatever they can to avoid confrontation and fighting.

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chebell Member

chebell

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He used to comment some girls' photos on Instagram in a way which wasn't appropriate in my opinion, and since then (for about 4 months now) there haven't been any comments like this anymore. During our last fight before he went away he also said that he feels like I hate his music, his male and female friends and all that is not associated with me. Of course I say that's not true, because I've been to his every single concert and have always supported him and have let him have his guy-time. I agree I've been jealous about his female friends, but that's not a reason to not tell me that he'll be gone for 3 weeks..

 

Edit: He said that "hate" part after I told him that I'm quite sad and disappointed that the only thing he could think about was music during our 4-day-trip, and now he goes to another holiday for 3 weeks. It is the main problem for me.

Edited by chebell
ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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He used to comment some girls' photos on Instagram in a way which wasn't appropriate in my opinion, and since then (for about 4 months now) there haven't been any comments like this anymore. During our last fight before he went away he also said that he feels like I hate his music, his male and female friends and all that is not associated with me. Of course I say that's not true, because I've been to his every single concert and have always supported him and have let him have his guy-time. I agree I've been jealous about his female friends, but that's not a reason to not tell me that he'll be gone for 3 weeks..

 

Edit: He said that "hate" part after I told him that I'm quite sad and disappointed that the only thing he could think about was music during our 4-day-trip, and now he goes to another holiday for 3 weeks. It is the main problem for me.

 

Where did he get this idea?

 

I think the real problem here is not so much that he'll be away for 3 weeks but that you don't have as close of a connection as you would like.

 

Him planning a 3-week vacation and saying nothing about it to you is very telling. He purposely withheld that information but I don't think it's because he wants to cheat.

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chebell Member

chebell

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As I said, I agree with this "hate towards female friends" part in some way, all of our fights (with 3-4 months interval) have been about some of his female friends who go on same university course as he does. Now I haven't cared about it so much because all these female friends saw me with him at his uni graduation.

He agreed that this "hate towards music" was a bit harsh and not true.

But the thing that he's single on Facebook, what do you think of that? I have noticed that he has changed his other things on profile but not his relationship status. I'm quite concerned although I don't show it off to him.

Rainah Established Member

Rainah

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I think its a bit odd he didn't tell you about his holiday with his friend when it sounds all planned in advance. When someone betrays your trust it takes time to gain it back. It also sounds like since he is going on all these trips it sounds a bit like you are lacking in attention from your partner which is why you might be having doubts of wether or not he is being loyal. When he gets back I think you both need to have a nice romantic date doing something you both enjoy and get that spark and work on getting your trust back in your relationship, have you thought about seeking therepy just to have someone to talk to about how you feel about your relationship and to let off your chest what he did 4 months ago with comments on instagram?

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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As I said, I agree with this "hate towards female friends" part in some way, all of our fights (with 3-4 months interval) have been about some of his female friends who go on same university course as he does. Now I haven't cared about it so much because all these female friends saw me with him at his uni graduation.

He agreed that this "hate towards music" was a bit harsh and not true.

But the thing that he's single on Facebook, what do you think of that? I have noticed that he has changed his other things on profile but not his relationship status. I'm quite concerned although I don't show it off to him.

 

Have you asked him about it?

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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As I said, I agree with this "hate towards female friends" part in some way, all of our fights (with 3-4 months interval) have been about some of his female friends who go on same university course as he does. Now I haven't cared about it so much because all these female friends saw me with him at his uni graduation.

He agreed that this "hate towards music" was a bit harsh and not true.

But the thing that he's single on Facebook, what do you think of that? I have noticed that he has changed his other things on profile but not his relationship status. I'm quite concerned although I don't show it off to him.

 

Men have 4 years younger than their age and women are 4 years ahead. You are 24 in term of maturity and he is 18. He's a boy still in his mind. He is more interested in music and traveling than being in a relationship. If I were you I'd forget this one and aim at an older and more mature man.

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pteromom Established Member

pteromom

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But the thing that he's single on Facebook, what do you think of that?

 

After being with you for a YEAR? I think there is some reason he wants others to believe he's single.

 

My guess? He didn't quit making comments on other girls' posts. He just went underground with it somehow.

 

I want you to think about something for a few minutes.

 

Is your insecurity and paranoia something that you've dealt with in past relationships, or with friendships? Are you the kind of person who lives life scared of how others will hurt you?

 

If you do, then you should get some counseling.

 

But if not - and I am getting the feeling that you are NOT that kind of person - you should not ignore the gut instincts that are pinging inside you saying that something is wrong here.

 

I have no problem with a guy going on vacation with his friends without his girlfriend.

 

But I think there is more going on here that you should pay attention to.

 

Plus if you are concerned that if you aren't supplying sex to him, he's going to find it elsewhere in a mere 3 weeks apart, you need to really consider his level of integrity.

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chebell Member

chebell

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Have you asked him about it?

 

No I haven't asked him about it, because I don't want him to think that I have nothing else to do than check his relationship status. After our last fight I promised him I'm going to work on my emotions and I promised to be a better person when he comes back, so I don't want to confront him about this relationship status right now either, since he's having fun with this friend.

He has told me before that he likes his individual life to be private from others and I understand it, but I sometimes feel like he's hiding me or something. I have asked straightforward from him if he is ashamed of me and then he's like "what are you talking about, stop it".

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chebell Member

chebell

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To ExpatInItaly:

 

I haven't asked him about it, because I don't want him to think that I have nothing else to do than check his relationship status. After our last fight I promised him I'm going to work on my emotions and I promised to be a better person when he comes back, so I don't want to confront him about this relationship status right now either, since he's having fun with this friend.

He has told me before that he likes his individual life to be private from others and I understand it, but I sometimes feel like he's hiding me or something. I have asked straightforward from him if he is ashamed of me and then he's like "what are you talking about, stop it".

Rainah Established Member

Rainah

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Ive never had any issues with a guy adding me as in a relationship apart from one and I found out he was chatting and flirting with women on his facebook, he kept telling me he didnt think it was important to change it and he didnt go on facebook much, lies, lies, lies, he just didn't want all these girls knowing he was in a relationship. He would also 'like' girls pictures on his facebook who was showing clevage, and that was the only pictures he would 'like' I never thought a facebook status was a big deal but now after this experience it is to me

pteromom Established Member

pteromom

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After our last fight I promised him I'm going to work on my emotions and I promised to be a better person when he comes back, so I don't want to confront him about this relationship status right now either, since he's having fun with this friend.

 

What does this mean to "be a better person"?

 

Just shut up and have no concerns or needs and let him be who he is and give him what he wants?

 

Ignore your gut instincts because they are annoying to him?

 

What is your definition of "better person"?

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chebell Member

chebell

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I know something is up with this relationship status thing, but I think it's so wrong to ask him about it, since I just promised that I will stop my nagging behaviour.. Although now after talking to you guys I feel like I want to ask him about it even more.

 

He told me that I don't have to change myself for him, but that we should just value the time when we get back together.

Edited by chebell
kendahke Established Member

kendahke

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BTW--is he a touring musician in a group or someone who plays in a band and does covers?

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chebell Member

chebell

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He is more of a touring musician but their band is not so famous yet, during the summer time they're making a break.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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I know something is up with this relationship status thing, but I think it's so wrong to ask him about it, since I just promised that I will stop my nagging behaviour.. Although now after talking to you guys I feel like I want to ask him about it even more.

 

He told me that I don't have to change myself for him, but that we should just value the time when we get back together.

 

You are his girlfriend.

 

You should not be so afraid to ask a question pertaining to your relationship.

 

His actions are indicating he's not terribly serious about you. You are being kept at a distance for a reason.

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chebell Member

chebell

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Okay, I just wrote to him and asked casually and friendly from him why is his relationship status single. I'll let you know when he answers.

 

He probably thinks that I expect him to change it to "in a relationship" and maybe thinks about some excuses, but actually I just want that his relationship status wouldn't be shown at all.

pteromom Established Member

pteromom

Posted
Posted
I know something is up with this relationship status thing, but I think it's so wrong to ask him about it, since I just promised that I will stop my nagging behaviour.. Although now after talking to you guys I feel like I want to ask him about it even more.

 

He told me that I don't have to change myself for him, but that we should just value the time when we get back together.

 

You SHOULD change yourself!

 

You should be honest and say what is on your mind. Don't hold it in.

 

You don't have to "nag". Nagging implies bringing up the same thing over and over. Rather than "nag", have one OPEN HONEST conversation about something that is bothering you and keep going until there is a resolution to the issue.

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