What am I feeling? (Full story)

[Kslaker8]

I met this girl in 11th grade of high school. I had never been in a serious relationship before, but i fell head over heals for her. She grew to like me very much as well. However, she was hesitant to date me because of what had happened in her previous relationship, and the fact that we were both preparing to go to away to different colleges. We carried on the summer before college basically as a couple, hangingout constantly, huggin, kissing, hooking up, doing things with each others families. It was all so bittersweet because all the while she did not want to date, this had me heartbroken as a teenager, but i know college was coming so i came to terms with it. So the time comes, and we go off our seperate ways to college. A week into college, she messages me, telling me she misses me so much, realizes how much she loves me, and wants to be with me, so we get together. We didnt really see each other much because of the distance, but when we did, it was amazing, so much love. We wrote each other letters, sent each other letters, it was great. As i got settled into the college lifestyle, constantly surrounded by friends, and other girls, i became less interested in the relationship, all while she love me whole heartedly. One year after beginning to date, I tell her that id rather not be together, and she deserved somebody who would want to give her the attention she deserved. So were done, however we continue to communicate regularly. Halfway threw our second year of college, she tells me she is seeing somebody else. I kid i played soccer with in high school, and a family friend. I was enraged. I kick into this mode where i need to get her back, im immediately back into her, and convince her to be with me. But she says she has to see out her new relationship. A month later she tells me she has ended things with him. She just wasnt into it, she wasnt over me, she still loved me. So we get back together. And things are great again. Honeymoon status. And as time goes by, that same thing happens, i become uninterested in the relationship. Right before returning for our third year of college, i tell her i cant be with her. We go off to school, and communication between us is basically not existant. A couple of months into school i find out via social media that she is dating somebody else. I immediately click back into that mode: need her back. I reach out to her beg for her to be with me for many days. I finally come to my sense and tell her im going to let her be. We stop talking. She reaches out two weeks later saying this new guy ended things. He just didnt feel that she was into it. So we proceed to get back together. Into the honeymoon stage again. We stick out the frail relationship threw college graduation and one year into post college. And it happens again, i become less interested, and tell her i cant be with her. This was one year ago i made this decision. This time, we continue talking, and associating as if we were still together. Hanging out, hooking up. The lst time we went on a date, and hooked up was one month ago. She hs just told me recently that she has started seeing somebody, and i immediately go back into the mode; need to make her officially mine again. Beg for her to take me back, i tell her ive matured, and am ready to be committed to her. She tells me (apprently in the heat of the moment) that she wants me to prove to her once and for all that were meant to be together. So i oblige, we go out on the couple dates, and hangout a couple times. But this time they were different, althought it was excitinf, refreshing, and invigorating, it had a very forced feel to it. So i look at myself in the mirror, and each out to he telling he that im done playing games. Im committing to letting her be happy and do what she wants to do. I write her a long letter explaining everything i was feeling, apologizing for things, told her i would love another chance, but that i would remain committed to letting her be her, and do what she needed to do to find happiness. We meet up, i give her the letter, she reads it. We have a brief discussion telling each other that we dont regret anything, really value the time we spent together, would always be there for each other, and would always have love for each other. Then she proceeds to tell me that she still loves me, and is not giving up on us, but that shes done turning down new possibilties of things that could be true and undoubted. Then we go our seperate ways. Have been in NC for exactly one week today.

 

So this is not exactly a break up, and its not like she left me for somebody else, considering we havent been "together" for about a year. Nothing bad has happened, i have no grounds to blame her for anything, nor do i have any anger towards this new guy, because he just found himself a beautiful, single woman and started dating her.

 

I realize that i was quite foolish, and selfish as times, so i have nobody else to blame but myself. I always questioned my love for her, we didnt have much in common, but we made each other happy. We were comfortable and could be ourselves with each other. This was my first relationship, so it basically boils down to the fact that relationship was, i was immature, and didnt know how to handle love, and be in a mature adult relationship, a the while she had everything i lacked. And she was done waiting around for me.

 

I miss her more than anything, realized i love her to death, and have been nothing but depressed these past couple weeks. No sleep, no feed, depression, inability to feel any emption towards anything, good or bad, and no optimism about the future. Thinking about her with somebody else brings me physical pain worse then any pain ive ever felt.

 

I literally am finding it impossible to be attracted to anybody else, nobody sizes up to her. She was beautiful, smart, witty, mature, caring, kind, and treated me flawlessly.

 

I do not know what im having issues with. Am i jealous of her new endeavors, uncertain, and afraid of my future without her, or truely in love and full of regret for not handling it differently. What i do know, is that shes all ive known for 7 years, my other half, always by my side, and no one we into NC, my world has been flipped on its head, and i miss her like hell.

 

What am i feeling, and how do i deal with it??

[DevotedBaker54]

Wow you two have a history! It sounds like when you think of a "relationship" you automatically picture yourself with her, because she's all you've ever known. Of course no other woman would measure up to her because you know so much about her! With that being said, that doesn't mean there isn't a better woman out there for you. It takes time and patience to get to know someone. It takes time to uncover the little quirks people have that make you fall in love with them. I'm sure there is a woman out there that you will fall in love with and want to learn everything about her.

You associate dating with your ex. Your mind has a hard time associating dating with anyone else, because you don't know anything else. It will take time, but I think you'll open up to a new woman in the future!

 

Best of luck, and I hope you are happy!