Self worth in a relationship

[tabithascarlett]

I have always had problems with self worth and I have always been the one that is more invested in the relationship. It's horrid but I realize it and try to work around it.

 

I've been dating my current boyfriend for a little over four months; we were seeing each other before then but he didn't want a relationship because he had just gotten off of a bunch of long relationships, etc., so we officially started dating when he said he was proud to be my boyfriend. We seemed to be in a really great place around month three. I am very much a person who wants and needs to be desired in a relationship- physically and emotionally. (But then again aren't we all?)

 

He went on a 10 day camping trip with his roommates and we spent the first day not talking and I took it hard. After that, we talked on the phone for an hour or two almost every night. While he was away, I had to learn how to function by myself and it gave me a better appreciation for being independent (as that was how I had been functioning for years before this relationship). I talked about spending more time apart but he said that if we want to spend time together, then we should spend time together and nurture our relationship and that it wasn't a bad thing. (I had compared him leaving to withdrawing from a drug because I took it very badly the first day.)

 

Anyways, about two weeks after he returned we decided that we didn't want to spend as much 'junk' time together- ie, just laying in bed together with no plans, on our phones next to each other, etc. So we started spending more time apart during the day. Then, a couple days later, he decided that he wanted to spend the night apart; I felt hurt and undesired and uninvited him to something that I had reflexively invited him to earlier. He got upset and shut me out the next day all day. I went over that night and we talked (I cried) and we committed to getting better. He discussed wanting to spend a few nights apart a week and I reiterated how that made me feel like he didn't want me; I felt like he was taking baby steps out of our relationship. (I was especially hurt because I could not even remember the last night that we had voluntarily slept apart- it was that long ago! Also I am a very touch-love person and I need to be touched to feel desired, etc. And when we spend the night apart he usually shuts me out emotionally too, no texts, etc. Anyways...)

 

So last night he said we should spend the night apart because it would be better for us. When I said okay and asked him to walk me through his thinking, he said he didn't feel like talking and that it would be better for us. He then later gave as a reason (as one of many reasons, he said) that he was tired and needed to sleep. It's really hard for me to sleep nights apart, but I took a Benadryl and knocked out and woke up at 7 am (after a horrible nightmare) to a text he sent at 12:30 am saying that it would be "fun to makeout rn." Which means he was up and not sleeping. I also woke up to an upsetting email about my housing situation next year, so now I'm in a horrible mood. I've been texting him all morning, obviously hurting, and he texted back once but other than that it's been radio silence.

 

I recognize logistically that I need to appreciate his needs and that spending time apart can be healthy but emotionally spending NIGHTS apart makes me feel unwanted and it is not what I want in my relationship. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me to the same extent. I am yet again feeling overly-emotionally invested and it makes me feel horrible. It puts me in a horrible mood all day, at a desk job I hate and I just want to cuddle him and love him and I want him to want the same.

 

Help. Thoughts. Anything would be helpful.

[Toodaloo]

Four months and you have been spending every night with him?

 

Do you have any friends?

 

Don't you have hobbies?

 

If my new beau wanted to spend all that time with me I am afraid I would be running for the hills...

 

I used to love it when my ex went off for boys weekends away (I even got in touch with the boys and quietly put the idea in their heads a few times too) so I could have time to myself, my friends and not have him under my skin 24/7.

 

Dear Lordy it would drive me insane if a guy did what you are doing! Its just boring having conversations about where you are at in this relationship and having long drawn out conversations about emotions and feelings etc...

 

I really do suggest you take his advice and get a a life of your own.

 

I do not see this going anywhere because he already sees you as the crazy limpet lady that he can't go to the loo with out reporting to... Pretty soon he is going to be longing for freedom and will be staring out of the window thinking what if...

 

You are young. Be single, join some sports clubs or something. Go and have some fun! For yourself by yourself with out him!

[Zahara]

I would feel suffocated, especially in such a young relationship. You do sound needy and constantly desiring validation. At some point it becomes exhausting for the other person to constantly keep maintaining your emotional needs. I mean, one night alone and you're feeling so insecure and tying that to your self-worth? One night without a phone call and you fall to pieces?

 

When you start placing your whole life in the hands of another, when they leave, you lose everything. You don't want to be in a position whereby you lose yourself because you are so dependent on someone else validating you and filling your life.

 

Do you have any friends? Pick a weekend and hang out with them. When he's out with his friends, have a quiet night at home with a glass of wine in a luxurious bubble bath. Join a meetup and start going to activities on your own and it'll be an opportunity to widen your social circle and gain independence. You hate your job, start looking for another -- use that as a reason to create some space and focus that time on yourself.

[Maggie888]

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but I think he is pursuing another woman/women. It almost sounds like that ext "it would be fun to make out" was meant for another girl

 

I cant imagine a man voluntarily wanting to decrease the nights he spends with his GF unless he was pursuing other girls during those nights, or wanting to pursue other girls, or wanting to slowly end the relationship.

 

I'm so sorry. Sounds like however it would do you some very good to focus on yourself and your interests.

[Gaeta]

So much emotional dependency. You are not letting him breath. I would not be able to sustain a relationship with someone that needs me like oxygen. You need to stop valuing yourself through the eyes of a man and stand on your own and find your own identity as a woman.

 

I rarely suggest therapy but in your case I think you need a good therapy one-on-one to get to the heart of why you are so emotionally needy and dependent of others.